Where did I go? Who am I now?

[3loves 0]

:amen: and:amen:

[leatha_g 4]

:amen: AMEN!

[Kelliebelly 13]

This thread has me thinking about things I have never thought about before. I am so grateful.

Things coming into my head right now are - Why am I fat, why did I allow myself to get this way? I was an average size child till I was about 9 and then an old man took away my innocence - not fully, but enough to do damage. It was then I started taking money from wherever I could find it, generally Mums purse. I would then go up to the corner shop and buy chocolates, lollies etc. I remember buying a whole caramel tart and eating all to myself in my bedroom. My weight escalated from there and I have been fat ever since. A light has gone off in my head. That is why I am fat, it has to be, I wasnt fat before it and food was never an issue. All of a sudden it was and I got fat.

Thank you so much for this thread, it got me thinking, although my entire life since it has happened whenever it came into my head I would block it, ignore it and push it away. I didnt want to think about it, I still dont but at least now I know why some things have turned out the way they have.

Big Hugs to everyone

[warmmorningsun 1]

Youre gonna be just fine Warmmoring sun. And youre going to embark on a journey of a lifetime, better than any vacation...with every pound you loose you will feel beter and beter. You wont fail after surgery. I wondered about that too. I remember thinking "supose I'm one of those who dosent loose" but you will. Good luck to you !

Thank you bermy, so nice of you to give me encouragement. I've seen your before and after pics, and you seem very wise from your posts. I hope to do as well as you have also! I think the fear of failure is from failing so many times to lose weight before this, you know?

[PhotoNut 7]

Makes perfect sense to me Kellie. Comfort and protection all in one - Food! After all, what man in his right mind wants a fat girl. At least that was my thinking.

I really appreciated what you said, Bermy. About getting the weight off whether you need therapy or not. It kind of snapped me back from the fears.

You know... all of my adult life I have dieted and sometimes even had pretty good, although short term, success. Typically though, at some point in the weight loss process, I run face first into the same old fear of being unprotected without my fat. And that's usually when I sabotaged myself. Thank the good Lord above for this band! This time around it is keeping me on the journey in spite of those collisions with the fear.

Good griefl. Do you think I might really make it to the end this time AND get some things resolved along the way? Could it be possible? What a dream come true. To be "normal" again, both inside AND out!

[Kelliebelly 13]

Good grief. Do you think I might really make it to the end this time AND get some things resolved along the way? Could it be possible? What a dream come true. To be "normal" again, both inside AND out!

Susan, I was actually thinking the same thing.

Hugs

[bandedmama 0]

I always knew I was fat - but never knew how fat I was until I started losing and could compare. But what's weird is that I feel more fat now than I did at my highest weight. I think its because at 250 I knew I was fat, and I couldn't hide it, so I felt like everyone just accepted that I was fat. But as I got closer to goal, I felt like people saw me as that "poor mom who needs to lose 20 pounds" -- like "why doesn't she just lose it already?" Suddenly I felt judged and very conscious of my body, what I was wearing, who was looking at me, do they think I'm fat? should I really be wearing this? I'm too fat for this. I should change. Its been really hard! I am so glad for it - its just about having the body image catch up with the actual image. In time it will all come together (so I'm told....) and we can find peace with how we look. I hope...!

Kristin

[Nykee 13]

I.

I knew I was fat because I could see it and feel it.....but it really hit home with me 3 months ago when I reached the point where it was difficult for me to clean myself after using the toilet......I know this sounds disgusting and that maybe you don't want to go there with these thoughts but it is FACT for me.......I cried....I cried so hard that I couldn't control myself. Then the self loathing started......I couldn't believe that I allowed that to happen.....it was all my fault....there was nothing or no one to blame but me for reaching that size that this would happen. I hated myself so much, you can't imagine the thoughts that were running through my head.:think

>>>>>>>>>thankyou for sharing that...... going to the bathroom shouldnt be so full of anxiety and dread and shame.... Its great you found your last straw.. GOOD luck at your consult!

I remeber it well too, I had been 350 pounds for almost a decade, then bam to 400 and that made a huge difference... I couldnt use public restrooms, I couldnt wipe throughly, I avoided eating anything if I knew it would lead to a bowl movement away from home, toilet paper wont work, I gotta use wipes....

My hands are always in crap and piss, no amount of washing makes that sick feeling go away.............

I have lost 100 pounds and this problem is not mine anymore.. HORRAY.

(but I will never go back to toilet paper.. lol)

[PhotoNut 7]

I think its because at 250 I knew I was fat, and I couldn't hide it, so I felt like everyone just accepted that I was fat. But as I got closer to goal, I felt like people saw me as that "poor mom who needs to lose 20 pounds" -- like "why doesn't she just lose it already?" Suddenly I felt judged and very conscious of my body, what I was wearing, who was looking at me, do they think I'm fat? should I really be wearing this? I'm too fat for this. I should change.

Oh my god. I was just going thru this the other day! I was thinking.. Ok, people who know me realize that I am looking so much smaller than I was. How I look now is an improvement! So I get dressed in a smaller size and find myself out in public sorely aware that these people don't see the fat woman getting thinner. They see a fat woman trying to wear clothes that are probably too small or the wrong style for her size, etc. I know exactly what you mean!!

About the bathroom thing...

I went through the same things. *sigh* I also became despondent when I couldn't wash properly in the shower. I was in the process of finding an long-handled soft ended thing that could reach places I could no longer reach. And I was considering a hand held shower head so I could rinse those same places.

Now, every time I shower I Celebrate how easily I can wash everywhere! Rinsing is no longer a problem either! I think this has to be my biggest NSV.

[Nykee 13]

wow, so many who felt like a thin person inside... I can understand that.. but It sure didnt happen to me, lol

I was "fat' before I was even fat.

When I was a kid, I was tall and curvy and not skinny. I was NOT the fat kid. I was like 110-120 in 6th grade.. I had meat on me is all..

But my dad always called me fat... (as soon as I grew boobs at age 8 and looked like a teen at age 10....I realized later)

I was sexually harrassed so much by peers, I assumed I was being teased for being fat, not aware at that time about my looks and overdeveloped body.

So, at age 15, 135 pounds (once 150 pounds).........................

.............I was a fat pig, I never enjoyed my body, ever............

By age 18, I was 300 pounds...and gaining.

I cant describe how fat I felt..

how fat I have always felt.

How fat and engorged and choking on my self I feel EVERY minute.

I have lots of mobility problems and that makes me feel it ALL the time..

I have never been surprised by how I looked in mirrors or in photographs concerning my fat... (well, my back boobies are alittle shocking to see)

In fact, many times I have looked at a pic and thought, I dont look half as discustingly morbidly obese as I thought I did.....

now, My looks... Thats a different story...

I am totally a pretty girl trapped in an ugly chics hell.. lol

I am always let down when I look in the mirrior and see pics of my self...

"AM I really that ugly?" "GEEEEze, I am UGLY!" totally exspecting something better, and rarely getting it...

The camera dont lie!

I will take dozens of pics in a row in my digi, and each one is the same..

THATS what I look like! urgggggg.. "it cant be true!"

My daughters say "thats NOT what you look like all the time"

I say "your used to me, and you dont see me like that, but THATS what I look like most the time, getting all made up and posing just right and taking 200 pics till one looks good IS a LIE..

sigh, is it selfish to just want to be pretty?

(actually pretty, NOT just accept your self and find your prettyness inside.. been there, done that..)

[Mystjin 0]

I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread but me.

Nykee, it is not selfish to want to be pretty! I wish I had a nickle for everytime I had heard as a youngster " YOu have such a pretty face, if you could just lose some weight". Well, I have never had anyone to tell me I was pretty, except some friends in the last couple of years. My parents didn't, boyfriends didn't, husband of 30 years didn't. I have finally come to the conclusion that I don't look all that bad for my age. I worked a job where I had to see everyone's drivers license and I found out that a lot of women my age look quite a bit older than I do. I have been told a lot that I look younger than my age, maybe I could hope for pretty also??? I know looks are only superficial, and what counts is on the inside, but I still want them!! I need to work on my insides also, to get over the abuse.

KellieBelly, mine was much the same as yours. Inocence taken, secrets, guilt, protection of the one that did it. Why does that happen?? My father didn't protect me, why should I protect him? I was never raped, but there was enough abuse to mark me for the rest of my life. He died right after I graduated high school, I couldn't have talked to him about it at that time, now I can't. I've tried, but it doesn't do any good. I didn't talk to anyone about it until I had been married for 19 years! Now it looks like I'm telling everyone, even thought it is sort of anonymous. Well, now that I have spilled my guts, guess I had better go. Thanks for listening to me.

I love this web site!!!!

Carol

[Kimbo 0]

I just ran across this thread & I felt so connected to all of you. I was a fat child with 2 beautiful, thin younger sisters. Every time I turned around my mom was putting me on a diet, sending me to weight watchers or to the track at school to run of the meal I just ate. Since I was always over weight, guys never looked at me, my sisters always had lots of dates & boyfriends, & I would sneak off to the pantry to devior a bag of chips, I was sad & in denial, there was nothing wrong with me.

As I was growing up I never thought I looked that bad, I was a lifeguard for 3 years, was a officer in the band, tried for twiller 2 times, (we all know why that didn't happen, even though I was pretty good), had a great group of friends, but when it came to boy stuff I was always left out.

I got married to the most amazing man when I was 21. We have been married for 24 yrs. & we have 2 wonderful sons. He has always seen past the outer me.

I have been in total deniel my whole life, even when my knees began to break down, swellingin my calves become so painful I could not stand to be touched & then 2 days before my 40th birthday I was dignoised a type 2 dibetic.

I hated dieting because I love food. I felt deprived when I was a kid & I felt the same now. I tried several diets over the years, & I loved it when the weight lose was noticeable but not enough to keep going or maintain the lose.

This time is different. I'm loving how I look & feel. I had not bought clothes in years. I avoid social situations when ever possible, which was not easy with my husband's job. My business was really starting to suffer, I'm a good hair stylist speciallizing in color, but I was losing clients like crazy.

Now I'm 88lbs down, & at 204lbs I taking my life back. I'm wearing size 18s, wearing eye make up & ear rings again, & my husband & I went to a concert, something I have not done in 20 years. I love this new me, I enjoy the compliments & even the shocked looks from people that have not seen me in a while. I still have a long way to go but I am so excited about the future. I can now see myself growing old with my wonderfu man. LIFE IS NOW GOOD!

[wyldvelia 0]

i hit my 'high' weight just late 2005. i had been a size 16 for many many years. i liked my body. i liked my breasts. i liked that i had a very well defined booty. until the last 20lb gain. that changed my perception of myself forever. my legs looked like dripping wax <ugh>. flabby arms. middle getting bigger. i stalled from december to the end of february. i got off the pot, made arrangements and was banded on 3/23/2006. my birthday gift to myself. i am now down to that size 16 again. i soooo rejoice in the fact that my mini goal is get to 199. thats 12 more lbs. from there on, it will be unchartered territory. i look at myself in the mirror all the time. after my shower, i stand in front of the full length mirror and critique. my dr said that 170 was their goal for me. i look forward to that time and see if i cant continue to lose more since i am only 5'2". there IS a curvy, full figured, sexy as all get out thinner person inside of me. like layers that are being gently pulled off, as the weight drops, i feel better and better every day. all you ladies rock!!