Hubby Doesn't want Wife to work

[the best me 6]

Its so funny today was the first day I started feilding all his calls. It just scares me cause while doing this I also find out how much he owes to people. Its a ton!

I'm shaking my head here. Another red flag. And then...

but I had a talk w/him last night about kids & working & taking care of the house. He seemed to agree more with my ideas & needs this particular time.

Last night He said he loved me- I said ahhh Sweetie & that was it. I am just not ready for that step. Saturday he is taking me to his Grandmothers Birthday Picnic- my first time meeting any of his family. Oh My!

sounds as if he has figured out (by your NOT taking his calls) what he'd better say to get you back. If I were looking for a free ride, I'd be MUCH more agreeable, too. And I'd take you to my grandmother's to meet the family.

I don't want to be a stick in the mud. This guy may be wonderful and I'm dead wrong. My sister's soon-to-be hubby is a wonderful worker but poor businessman. He doesn't have alot of debt, but years of back taxes. Hello! You gotta file SOMEthing! and was a big red flag from the get-go. She's had 5 years to help him get and keep things going. They own a home and are doing much better. Your guy may be much like my sister's guy, very honorable. Forgive me for being leery. but I have to say, I think you are right to be looking in all directions with this one.

Where's Megan? I'll bet she has some great advice.

[EmileeKaye 1]

For me I have always known I wanted to be a mom, and that to me was staying home and raising them. Cooking the meals, cleaning the house, and being active in their schooling. I've always thought it wasn't very fair that saying that gets weird looks from most people.

I told all this and much more to my dear boyfriend before our first date even. And he has agreed that's something he wants also. We are young, so who knows how things will play out. He is in college looking into the education field and playing football and has NFL potential. I often joke we'll either be poor or rich, no in between. I will do whats needed for my family, if that means getting money, I would find a position in the school system, if I finish my degree or not.

[PhotoNut 7]

My gut instinct on this, is that IF he were the right guy for you....you wouldn't be asking us.

She's right ya know. We all KNOW in our gut when it's not right. The disasters come when we try to shape and mold the square peg enough to force it into the round hole.

You already have your red flags PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! Dont just smooth them over with "Yes, butt..". We have women's intuition for a reason. Trust it!

[HunnyBun 2]

No one is perfect. Every person out there has something wrong with them.

My biggest red flag to any man would be that I'm a single mom, and second big red flag is that I'm struggling financially. Most men would RUN from this situation, but some are not scared at all and embrace it.

There is someone out there for everyone, the question is, are you for him and is he for you?

Judging from what you said earlier, my guess is he is not the man for you. He is not very stable financially, and you really want someone who'd be able to support you.

Make a decision and if you break up, do it now.

[gentlespirit 1]

Sounds to me like he is trying to counteract the fact that you know about his debts by being extra sweet and telling you he loves you. I think there are a lot of red flags here, but only you can make the decision. I wish you the best!

Emily

[I'llsucceed 1]

I think what I am going to do is maybe sometime this month tell him we need to take a break so he can get all his loose ends tied up. That way I can concentrate on me, maybe see a few other guys & if we are still meant to be down the road it will happen then.

Ohhh this is going to be really hard.

Thank you all for the advice, I am aware of the "Red Flags" trust me I am, I just want to make sure I am not over analizing everything. My sister (oldest) says that if its just his finaces in question than that can be resolved, That his good out ways the bad at this point. I also tend to think she has a point- which makes everything even harder.

GOOD Points--Great lover, Trying to be more on time & not call late. Totall fix it man( Installed all new sod,sprinkler system,added new Water line outside of house, attic fan, new sink, new hot/cold Water dispeser, gutters cleaned,light switches all redone,power-washed house & even more) this is all in only 3 mnths of knowing me-of which one month I was gone & out of state. He is gentle & keeps his cool very well, he is kind, he is funny- I mean silly gooffy funny;0) He is very handsome, He is very intelligent (except w/Finances)

Bad Points

Poor, no house, huge debt, has strange people working for him(at least they are inexpensive labor) Has no savings- well you see all the bad is strickly money related.

I know that is what i want, to be finacially secure not just by myself like I am but with my spouse. This is something I will be either willing to help him with or I will have to be the breadwinner if we are going to stay together.........I don't want that but if I fall inlove IT SHOULDNT MATTER!!!...OHHHH & the SAGA CONTINUES...Can You see my inner struggle? Or is this just me? I hate it when I can't figure out life.

[Dutchgrl59 2]

WHAT?!?

All his bad points are about money..... and you want to start a family with this man?

You will never know more heartache than with a man who doesn't know how to handle MONEY.

Today I am a single Mom raising 4 young sons alone. There is nothing more to tell you if you deny that your situation needs real professional help. You want to wait until later this month to break up? Years from now you'll be saying..... Later this month we will separate/divorce. You've given away your power and you need to find out why. Please don't become a statistic. I think you are much too nice.

[PhotoNut 7]

Gah!!

My first marriage:

He had horrible credit.

He couldn't hold down a job.

He spent foolishly.

He lied to his mother to get money.

He lied to MY grandmother to get money (behind my back and I've never asked my grandmother for money!)

He sold his father's coin collection for stupid stuff.

He left me at home with a baby and no diapers, out of town and no car, to go to "work" (salesman that never sold anything) and was seen in town eating out at lunch (had to write a bad check to do that!)

He left me with tons of bad debt/credit.

Second marriage:

He couldn't hold down a job.

He stole money from my kids money jars.

He wrote a hot check to buy our wedding rings.

He borrowed money from his parents to pay rent, then bought a stupid used boat with the tax return instead of paying them back.

He got mad at me because I hid my child support checks so I could buy my daughter some much needed glasses.

He thought he was a musician so he HAD to buy that electric guitar and amp and all the other goodies when he wasn't working.

He got pissed at me because I refused to get a job and support him, but I'd do it for my kids if he left us. *rolls eyes*

He left me with tons of bad debt/credit.

Third marriage:

He's been at the same job for the past 6 years.

He has wonderful work ethics.

He is careful with our money.

He has happily supported me during a time when I havent been emotionally able to work.

We own our home.

We just paid off our NICE car.

We own nice furniture and have lots of toys. Paid for after the monthy obligations were taken care of.

We go on vacations.

We are not rich but we are not stressed over the money.

Which choice do you think was the best? Imagine trying to build any kind of trust and intimacy with number one and two.

No, money isn't everything. But the money wasn't really the issue. It was the man's honor and character or lack of it.

[Penni60 45]

Geez Photonut your 1 & 2 Marriages describe my Ex to a tee.

Christina you know I love ya girl. But at this point in your life I think it is important to have a stable, dependable, secure, man. The Pros you listed pale in comparison to the Cons sweetie.

I hate that you are in this struggle. I was there when I fell in love with my EX. He was just so young and irresponsible with our money. I too was left with 4 kids to raise and NO money. I went on welfare and had to live in Project Housing while I went to Nursing School. That sucks. I was left with a HUGE debt from my Ex as well.

You don't need more headaches you need less. I am not saying your man needs to be a wealthy millionaire but he does need to get his finances straight before you guys begin to discuss marriage or even moving in together. You don't want his bad finance history to follow you around for the rest of your life do you just so you can have earth shattering sex? You know I love you and I hope I don't offend you. Hugs lady!!!

[DevilMayKare 1]

You don't want his bad finance history to follow you around for the rest of your life do you just so you can have earth shattering sex?

Wellllllllllllllllllllll.... take it from someone who married for money (well, maybe not money, but stability) there's a lot to be said for earth shattering sex and riches don't compensate for the lack of it.

:rolleyes

I don't necessarily disagree with what PNut & Penni have said, but I do have to ask you guys, even tho you suffered horribly finanically--would you do it again if not doing so meant you would not have your children? Because seriously ladies, she's 39 and wants children--and wants a man that will support her doing that--and I assume be wonderful in all those other ways men are wonderful.

Sometimes ya just can't have it all.

And while you CAN recover from financial devastation there IS a point of no return when it comes to having children.

[PhotoNut 7]

I don't necessarily disagree with what PNut & Penni have said, but I do have to ask you guys, even tho you suffered horribly finanically--would you do it again if not doing so meant you would not have your children?

Well of course I would do it all again if it were the only way I could have my children. BUT.. my children have suffered a lot because of both divorces and I would not want to put them through that again.

It is never a fair question to ask if you would change the past, given the opportunity. It is however, very wise to avoid making such mistakes in the first place. Had I married wiser, perhaps my children would not have had to suffer such heartaches of abandonment and disappointment. Not because of money, but rather because their parents would have been unified in their ideas about ethics and character, and might have stood a better chance of providing a long stable homelife for those kids, with both parents working together to raise them by example. Instead, I chose to ignore what I knew in my heart to be decisions based upon all the wrong reasons.

I have heard things like, "well he can fix things" and "he's fun and nice". Ok, what about his character. Does he possess the character traits of a man who will provide good examples for your children? Will he be selfish? Will he cut corners where ethical choices are involved? Will you be disappointed in his attitudes about ethics? Do you trust him to be the head of your family? Do you love him?

You can hire an electrician. Friends can make you laugh. And there are a lot of men who can be pleasing in bed. But a husband needs to be so much more. He needs to be someone you can trust, admire, honor, and cherish. If you cannot honestly say this man is of that caliber... then no amount of electrical wiring, funny jokes, or good sex will undo the damage that's done to you and your children when you realise you can no longer tolerate the situation you chose to get into, inspite of your own red flags.

I don't see Christina as a woman who has to "settle" for anything just because she can't have everything. If you can't have everything, then at least make sure you get the things that really count. The rest will develop out of love and trust.

[the best me 6]

Wow, I really agree with that P'nut. Well said.

[DevilMayKare 1]

But I am also a "country cLub" gal that was raised upper middle class & its so hard to think I may have to go into another marriage being the bread winner again.

I really want to be the wife who supports the husbands career & home & plans the parties & leads the girlscout troups & so forth.

But for some reason that I have yet to figure out I never find the men

...SO this last time I just told God i would wait & so far this nice sweet broke guy is who he has sent

You are absolutely right about character PNut. I haven't really heard I'll Succeed questioning his character. Yes, she is concerned about his debts and rightly so. If those debts are the result of poor character that is one thing, if poor business sense--that's another. I do NOT think she should "settle" for someone she cannot respect. I simply think there is more to a persons character than money.

Also when I first read it I was struck by the fact that she seems to be waiting for God to send her someone who has money and I just do not think that's a high priority for God. Some of the happiest couples I have known have been dirt-poor missionaries. I can think of 4 couples right off the top of my head who have been happily married for decades without having money to buy a house or a whole lot of other things.

Perhaps I'll Succeed won't have to "settle" for someone who isn't quite what she wants... but by default she might end up settling for not having children.

(Actually I think the fact that they seem to have different educations might be the biggest hurdle to their relationship. That would be more of a problem to me than the funds.)

[3loves 0]

Christina ~ I think you should look at this guy in a different light to see if your compatible on a deeper level. How do you feel about yourself when your with him? Do you feel like a better person after spending time with him? Can you REALLY see yourself loving him unconditionally? What if he was injured and couldn't work the rest of his life? Do you both share the kind of love it takes to be the caretaker for each other if something horrible were to happen? Do you share views on religion, politics, & raising children?

Just make sure you don't have to change your authentic self for any man. Be true to yourself. Don't get married just for the sake of wanting children now and thinking you can't have them later. I'm 39 and have 2 children, but plan to have more....the Lord willing....after we wait out the new band placment.....1.5 - 2 yrs. There are many women that have babies later in life. My SIL, 42, just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We are so thrilled to have baby Mason. The clock does tick when your older, no one can deny that. Be true to yourself and I would suggest a prayer. God's timing is always perfect.

[the best me 6]

. If those debts are the result of poor character that is one thing, if poor business sense--that's another.

YES! You all write so much better than I do.

So, which is it, Christina? Is he broke because of poor character, or poor business sense? I think your answer to that one may be the answer to your question. I know doesn't seem that simple, but maybe it is?