Hubby Doesn't want Wife to work

[Poodles 0]

My man wants to be a house hubby. I would so let him if we could afford it. He keeps the house so clean when he is off of work. Told him I would love to have him stay home, but we would have to live in a REALLY CLEAN SHACK!!!!

[FunnyDuddies 6]

i think the key is to not only look for people who are stable, and have the right answers to all of your questions, but also know them long enough to where you can trust their answers. you need to make sure they are not just blowing smoke up your ass. and you need to not only make sure that financially they have a good foundation, but that it is one you can see living off of and raising a family on. how much do you think it would take to raise a family of four in your home town with a house and school and all of that? 40k? 70k? 120k? it really is up to you, and you really do get to choose. you don't have to settle.

[I'llsucceed 1]

wow- great stories & great advice everyone.

Photonut kinda hit it on the head I think

In a nut shell here it is:

I am a 39 established gal who hasn't worked in the past 3 yrs- strickly from choice & going through a bought of depression from my divorce. Prior to that for 14 yrs a corp.gal who made 6+ figures. My X barely could scrape together much but we were 9 yrs younger & well thought we could do it all togther, especially w/what I was bringing home & we moved into my house. No problem - except we didn't make it do to his abuse/alcohol.

Fours yrs gone now & just started dating again. Met another sweetheart of a guy who is 32(or better yet he mets me...so did my X) & doesn't have a home(is currently mnth to mnth condo) & doesn't have health ins or savings. BUT IS SO KIND & SWEET!!!

He see me- thinks established- smart- nice -2000+sq ft home & well he thinks potential.

I see him & think so sweet so kind so handsome BUT I am no longer a spring chick & want kids still. HOw in Gods name can he support that??

So yes he is a Master Electrician with potential & would need me to take over finances(he said that would be best if we stick it out) BUT wants me to work & keep up the home & kids. HE SAYS that once were rolling & ok finacially that I can stay home & hold down the fort... At least he says that...

My main problem is I have been home & still finacially fine for 3 yrs all by myself. I do need to go back now though-- But its hard to stay with him based on just hopes & possiblities at my age. He can barely take me out to dinner.

However he can fix & install every thing in the world & that is a HUGE PLUS!

OHHH I wish I could buy him a winning loto ticket :0) I know tons of you will say $$doesn't buy you happiness & if I like him I should tough it out--Thats what I am trying to do now. But I am also a "country cLub" gal that was raised upper middle class & its so hard to think I may have to go into another marriage being the bread winner again.

I really want to be the wife who supports the husbands career & home & plans the parties & leads the girlscout troups & so forth.

But for some reason that I have yet to figure out I never find the men they only find me & they are usually from the other side of the tracks.

Not like that can't work out --just its tougher when you education & life experiences are so diverse.

Thanks all for the stories & yes I have tried both eharmony & yahoo... SO this last time I just told God i would wait & so far this nice sweet broke guy is who he has sent;0) Wonder what I am supposed to do now??? Thnks

[the best me 6]

& would need me to take over finances(he said that would be best if we stick it out) BUT wants me to work & keep up the home & kids. HE SAYS that once were rolling & ok finacially that I can stay home & hold down the fort... At least he says that...

He can barely take me out to dinner.

Red Flags, IMO. Really. If he wants you to work and keep up the home and kids, you two don't have the same priorities. Tell him to make the "future" happen now. Get stable, get responsible, have some financial disicpline, take you out to dinner in a manner you deserve, and then you'll talk about it. He may be very handy, but if he's pawning off his responsibilities, move on. He needs to be with someone who appreciates his skills, accepts his weaknesses, likes to work outside the home, and will work with him. If that isn't you, you aren't being fair to him either.

Please don't try to make him fit into your dreams if he doesn't.

Listen, I get what you are saying about staying at home, and what Leatha said about the "helper role". That's totally my perspective (and my husband's) so it's important that the two of you are in agreement about that. You know if he's a square peg you are trying to fit into a round hole. Maybe he's someone else's round peg? Search your heart and pray! Some good ole scripture reading is in order, as well, me thinks. (((hugs)))

[JGCLUBRIO 0]

I have a college degree and am so called' working on my masters" however that has not prevented me to want to be a stay at home mom. My husband is leaving the corporate world this week since they did not meet his salary demands and is going into business for himself. God has opened many doors for us and we hope that with the business I can stay at home with my children. In august our daycare expenses will go up to $1200 a month not to include gas, tolls and work clothes. It doesn't pay for the both of us to spend so much time away from our children. I have many friends who are stay at home mom's and they make it work. God always provides is what they have been telling me. Ultimately it is your decision whether you want to stay at home, however, compromise might be in order. When I first got married 8 yrs ago, I was on the corporate ladder and now, I only care about the money i make and my kids and home life, not necessarily in that order. Good luck and remember, staying at home is what you make of it! Hope this helps.

[Marimaru 7]

If my future husband and I are both working, we're both taking care of the kids and keeping the house. If I'm working, he's taking care of the kids (mostly) and keeping house, and if he's working and I'm not, I take care of the kids (mostly) and keep the house.

It's a big red flag to me that he wants you to work, AND keep the house, AND take care of the kids. If you have to do all that, what do you need him for??

I know in my experience it can be hard to face this stuff when you really like the guy, but I really think this stuff is fundamental and important, and though some people can "make it work", I think that lots of couples who try to "make it work", both end up drained at the end.

[DevilMayKare 1]

I am a 39 established gal who hasn't worked in the past 3 yrs- strickly from choice & going through a bought of depression from my divorce. Prior to that for 14 yrs a corp.gal who made 6+ figures. ...

My main problem is I have been home & still finacially fine for 3 yrs all by myself. I do need to go back now though-- But its hard to stay with him based on just hopes & possiblities at my age. He can barely take me out to dinner.

However he can fix & install every thing in the world & that is a HUGE PLUS!

...I really want to be the wife who supports the husbands career & home & plans the parties & leads the girlscout troups & so forth.

But for some reason that I have yet to figure out I never find the men

Wow. You're in a tough spot I'll Succeed. I'm not sure if it's wise for me to put what entered my head when I read this post, but here goes...

You're 39 and want kids? You've found a man you love who (I assume) wants to have children with you, but you want him to be able to support you and the children... Forgive me if it sounds harsh, but I think at this point you might need to lower your expectations a bit. If you want children you don't have a lot of time to waste at 39 and the chances of meeting someone who has ALL the qualities you want are slim to middlin.

Even if you DO there is absolutely no guarrantee that the man who wanted you to stay home will keep feeling that way or that you might not end up divorced supporting your family anyway. There certainly are a LOT of us who ended up that way. It's hard, but worth it. I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone whose children are grown that did not think it was worth it however hard it was--with or without a husband, let alone one who is working AND willing to support you.

I had some pretty financially grim and difficult years but I would do anything, anything, ANYTHING to have the wonderful grown sons (18 & 22) I do now.

If you love the guy and he can fix things... he isn't a liar, cheat and will change diapers, quit lusting after that Ozzie and Harriet world and work with what you have. If you want them, MAKE BABIES while you still can.

Or you could wait and pray for God to bring someone "perfect" your way. I don't remember Jesus being so concerned about people living in comfort tho. I realize the current prevailing brand of "social Christianity" in our country today seems to teach that faith breeds prosperity, but I just haven't seen that example in scripture--quite the opposite, in fact. In the New Testament there is very little emphasis put on wealth (certainly very little emphasis of the POSITIVE sort) and much emphasis put on faith and on the loveliness of children. After all, theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

That's just my ten cents.

[DevilMayKare 1]

ANd one other thing--while I'm in such a "laying it all out there" mood-- you said he can't buy you dinner?

But does he make you feel loved and sexy and can he give you an orgasm? Who buys dinner just isn't that important.

Methinks you might rethink your priorities.

And if you decide you don't want him--SEND HIM MY WAY!

A guy who can FIX THINGS? Are you kidding? I'd buy him all the dinners he wanted!!

(LOL)

Of course, if he wants children the deal's off.

[the best me 6]

I realize the current prevailing brand of "social Christianity" in our country today seems to teach that faith breeds prosperity, but I just haven't seen that example in scripture--quite the opposite, in fact.

:omg: YES!!!!! I have always thought of myself as pretty "mainstream Christian" but perhaps I'm not? Nope, I'm not. I think I'm well off the beaten path. Well said, Kare!

And here's another thought Christina. He's a Master Electrician. He ought to be able to make a great living, certainly a comfortable one. Maybe he just isn't very business-minded? Great at wiring, not so great at bookkeeping? Maybe he needs a woman like you to help make his business great?

[Tamyrn 0]

It could very well have everything to do with it. Although, look further into it and ask yourself WHY are they lower end income. If the answer is laziness or lack of motivation, then I'm willing to bet that IS the answer. If you are drawn to men with those personality traits, try being aware of that inbuilt attraction and force yourself to see attractive qualities in men who are stronger in character.

I so agree and would like to add:

1. A therapist is an awesome tool, you walk in and tell her what you want out of life that you don't have and over a 4 to 6 week periods she helps you talk at why you aren't getting what you want. Make notes after each session so you can see your progress. When she gives you a "do it" idea, follow through. I did a yard project to deal with unresolved anger.

2. Think about internet dating, you talk to fellas and find out what they think about life, what they want out of life, what their dreams are....and you block them if you don't like what you read...all of this without wasting a drop of lip gloss on a loser.

Good luck.

[Desi80 1]

how about www.wealthymen.com :biggrin1:

I was a sahm for awhile. Its just something we discussed, pros&cons , money, etc. I actually enjoy being at work part time for the most part.

[legallyKristin 0]

Wow. I'm with Alexandra on this one. And would like to add...

WHY LABEL??? What is the importance of being a SAHM, etc?? As long as you are caring for a family and provide love and financial support- WHO CARES who is doing it??

For me and my fiance (dated for 12 years, engaged for 2) it is about being happy. I'm going to be an attorney, he's a CPA. Whoever gets more money gets to work and the other can stay at home, if the situation so dictates and it is a mutual choice that makes us BOTH HAPPY.

There is no label to stigmatize that just because I'm A WOMAN I should stay home. Nor is there a label to imply the connnotation that because he is a man he should be out being "the bread winner."

In our eyes, when you start putting labels on everything, the teamwork is lost and unhappiness is found. There are jobs/responsibilities and we will work together to do them. We will not just do them because that is our societial assigned gender role.

Kristin

[leatha_g 4]

I'm so not as wordy as I used to be. Here's some hindsight, from my own experience. Never fall in love with a man's 'potential'. If he COULD do better, he would be doing it already.

I was married to that man, for 20 years. He never lived up to his potential.

For the record, I come from a very poor background. I am single, make decent money (not any 6 figures) and I do believe that 'poor' people need love as much as anyone and can make perfectly fine husbands and wives. Money certainly should NOT be the deciding factor. If you love the man and can live the rest of your life with him, that's what matters. If he doesn't fit the idea of what you're seeking, then I say cut him loose so he can find someone who can appreciate what he has to offer.

In fact.. I'm on the market.. lol..

[I'llsucceed 1]

And here's another thought Christina. He's a Master Electrician. He ought to be able to make a great living, certainly a comfortable one. Maybe he just isn't very business-minded? Great at wiring, not so great at bookkeeping? Maybe he needs a woman like you to help make his business great?

This is exactly what he says. Its so funny today was the first day I started feilding all his calls. It just scares me cause while doing this I also find out how much he owes to people. Its a ton! I just think I am falling for him but am so dang scared of making another mistake like I did w/my first broke hubby;0)

Letha- your dead on & sound just like my Mother. I love what you said

Kare- I have thought about eveyrthing you've said many times for several weeks myself. You're not being harsh at all- trust me I am so trying to figure out stay or go.

Desi80- I'll check it out

You see everyone. I know its not all about the cash but I have been through it all once before & well I just wanted it for once not to fall so much on my shoulders.

Remember I want to stay home & raise the kids & work ONLY if I choice too. I don't think of that as a label its really what I want at least at this point inmy life. I have played the other role for yrs & want a switch. I know there are many finacially secure men out there- they just never seem to be where I am.

This guy is for sure a keeper - at least so far. His LARGE Debt scares me still but I had a talk w/him last night about kids & working & taking care of the house. He seemed to agree more with my ideas & needs this particular time. So we'll have to keep the doors of communication open & see what will be down the road. For now I think I need to not rock the boat(like Kare said- times a wasting) & concentrate on my own career path & finding my own way. I am sure God will open the doors as I step through. I'll keep you posted.

By the Way- KARE

YES HE DOES

Last night He said he loved me- I said ahhh Sweetie & that was it. I am just not ready for that step. Saturday he is taking me to his Grandmothers Birthday Picnic- my first time meeting any of his family. Oh My!

[Kat817 19]

Which one are you supposed to ask yourself when in this situation?

#1. Can I live with this person the rest of my life?

or

#2. Can I live without this person the rest of my life?

My gut instinct on this, is that IF he were the right guy for you....you wouldn't be asking us. Sometimes we fall in love with the idea of being in love...I know I did. That ended in my first divorce! When I got together with my DH, the questions were not there. My family loved him...it just kinda fell into place. Where did I meet him? In 4th grade....but never even dated him until we were much...MUCH older!!! Our families had very similar values...it all ended up mattering!

As for the stay at home vs. working, it as well as everything wlse in marriage is subject to change at any time. It will never be exactly 50/50. There will be times it is 90/10.....Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. He is as vulnerable and needy as you are at times, him being male does not change that. A man might feel as tired of "providing" as you do. It is for sure something to discuss fully prior to making any "I do's"

Good luck to you!!

Kat