I think I want to sell my husband to pay for my surgery! (VERY long)

[goodlife 3]

He's annoying the ever living crap out of me.

I first started thinking about the band about 5 yrs or so ago and decided that wasn't for me.

He was all for it at the time but when I dropped it so did he.

Since then my back issues have gotten much worse...so much so that I've become pretty much sedentary and spent a good 1/4 to 1/3 of last year completely immobile due to pain. I'm not a pain pill kind of person so I suffered through it and did what I could. Saw my chiropractor twice a day when it was really bad, took muscle relaxers and stuff for the spasms during the worst of it. But it's really made me realize how my quality of life has gone downhill...not to mention I packed on a bunch more weight.

I've developed sleep apnea in the last year and I also have super high cholesterol. My ankles and feet have started swelling with some regularity.

I've struggled with my weight my entire adult life although I wasn't always obese. Back in 97 I started taking diet pills and lost 65 lbs but as soon as I stopped taking them, I started gaining the weight back and eventually gained it all back plus some.

A few months ago I started researching WLS again and knew the sleeve was just the tool that I needed. I want my life back! I hate that there are so many things I can't do now. I'm 39 yrs old and I have a son who is almost 21 and is college and I have a 15 yr old daughter. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching my family have fun.

When I told my husband I wanted to do this he said..go for it. I told him our insurance would not cover it. He said he thought it was important enough that we would just pay for it ourselves. He said all the right things about how he wants me to be healthy, how he wants me to live a long time...blah blah blah.

So I move forward with it. I did my research, I talked to people. I have the support and unconditional love of my parents, my family, my boss, my employees, and my best friends. I picked my surgeon and attended a seminar. I've always been very healthy so I didn't even have a PCP. Well I found one and made an appointment and had a checkup. Also found a gyno and had that checkup too as I hadn't had one in several years. My PCP ordered a sleep study which was perfect because my surgeon wanted me to have one anyway. My PCP is very supportive of the surgery and feels like all the other issues i have will be resolved with weight loss. I met with my surgeon last week and he feels I am the perfect candidate for the surgery. I run a company that sells blood tests directly to the consumer at greatly discounted prices so I routinely have labs done. I had an idea of what he'd want and what my PCP would want to see so I had some things run and was able to bring them in to both of them. Each of them ordered a few more tests and I've had them done as well. My surgeon said I'm looking at 2-3 weeks before surgery. Hoping to get my exact date this week.

I've started the pre-op diet and am doing well.

In the two weeks before meeting with my surgeon and having found these boards and OH I started changing my diet in preparation for my new life post-op. I've cut out sugar and took up Water. Started concentrating on Protein and cut out carbs. As of last wednesday I'd lost 11 lbs. just making those changes.

So it all sounds great right? Everything is moving right along..a lot quicker than I expected. So what's the problem?

My husband is a JERK, that's what!

Now I know he loves me and I know that he doesn't MEAN to be a total ass, but he is and it makes me damned mad and frustrated.

I've tried to educate him about the surgery and what it will be life after surgery..yet he continues to make erroneous comments out of ignorance.

He's bee making comments like...well you know if you'd just put some effort into it and get off your butt and exercise you could probably do this without surgery...or I could tell how you to lose weight but you don't want to hear it.

Or just tonight I was showing him how long my fingernails are getting (I'm a nail biter but recently stopped chewing on them) because I started taking Vitamins and he said...yeah you're finally doing things to get healthy...that's great. Now if you'd just quit smoking and get off your butt and exercise then I'd know you were really serious about this.

Or when he opened the pizza box tonight and started making comments about how good it was and didn't I want any when he knows full well I can't have that and how oh well I did this to myself but look at him..he can have it because he goes to the gym and exercises. Yeah, I wanted to punch his lights out and I've never hit anyone in my life!

I feel like he's testing me or something. I told him..hey what happened here? I thought you were all for this? I thought you were supportive of me having this surgery. He said..what I said was that I wasn't against it but I'm just leary of it...I don't know if you can do it. I know how you are...always wanting to take the easy way out...blah blah blah.

I'm trying really hard to stay focused, maintain a positive attitude because I know I'm doing what's right for me. I want my life back and I'm willing to do what it takes to get it...in spite of him and his nasty comments. I know that part of his negativity is coming from fear...fear that something will happen to me during surgery. I can understand that fear, I have some of that myself. I've never had surgery before except c-sections to have my kids. I've never been under general anesthesia before and that's kinda scary. I read the story of the woman who died two days post-op from blood clots. I get that this is a really big step. I also get that without it the chances of me having a heart attack or becoming practically cripple due to my back problems are very high. I think this is much safer than having to have open heart surgery.

Whew...the title of this section is "Tell Your Story"...so I did just that.

If you've gotten this far in my little book...thanks for reading my vent. I feel much better now!

Now...onward to a better and healthier life!

Screw him. lol

[kbl 3]

I think we might be married to the same guy....kelly

[TiffanyIsMajor 1]

Lol I am not married but my whole family sounds a lot like this. Honestly there really inst any talking to them about it either, because they just DONT get it. They dont understand why we just dont put down the cheeseburger, Or get off our ass and run marathons. I am having my surgery in two weeks. I am super excited. I talk to people her about it because they are excited and supportive. I do not talk to my family about it because they have comments like that to make. BUT they do have the understanding that whatever I do they are required to be supportive...I mean my sisters do stupid shit all the time that i disagree with...Do i tell them i think it is totally stupid, YES. If i cant change their minds with logic, then i STILL have to support them. I mean that is just how it is, that IS family. We just have this unwritten agreement at this point that , my mind is made up, and I am doing it., and unless you have something PRODUCTIVE to say, keep your f'n mouth shut.

[Morgandobes 0]

Hmm...sounds like you wont get enough for him to cover your surgery, he may only cover a co-pay!

Seriously, I wish you luck. I did the lap-band in 2005, and it wasnt that bad. A little scary when you first start to go under, but find a surgeon

that you like and that you trust, that is the key.

Besides, if you have already had c-sections, I would think that would be a lot more painful that a laproscopic surgery!

Lisa

[pumpkin07 32]

Hmmm....it could be a lot of things. Maybe he worries you will knock him over the head with that pizza box and run away with the pizza boy when you are able. It happens. Or maybe he won't have anyone to tease and he worries you are upsetting the balance of power in the house. To be honest since I have started losing weight I have been happy I may now live as long as my husband, but now I worry that because he doesn't live on calorie restriction he could go before me. I worry about his eating b/c it was healthy compared to mine, but now not as much.

My husband has enjoyed watching me lose weight with this surgery, although he does worry a little more about if I love him, would I ever cheat, etc. I think that is normal. He also still wants attention that I am too tired to give...but he'd still vote for the weight loss and having a hot wife rather than no weight loss surgery.

Just like we have little anxieties, so do they. But just don't base your decision on what he says. I mean the bottom line is if we did everything right then we wouldn't have a weight problem, but we have it b/c we couldn't. I admit WLS is the easy way out of a weight problem, but what does it matter if it works? Isn't the point to get the weight off. I feel it is more natural than popping pills to lose weight. And more long term, hopefully.

The smoking could be an issue I think, just b/c I have noticed that people with a history of smoking seem to sometimes have more trouble healing. You might talk to your doctor about that. Sounds like you are trying to be as healthy as possible going into surgery, so something to look at.

Best wishes.

[thinoneday 445]

He's annoying the ever living crap out of me.

I first started thinking about the band about 5 yrs or so ago and decided that wasn't for me.

He was all for it at the time but when I dropped it so did he.

Since then my back issues have gotten much worse...so much so that I've become pretty much sedentary and spent a good 1/4 to 1/3 of last year completely immobile due to pain. I'm not a pain pill kind of person so I suffered through it and did what I could. Saw my chiropractor twice a day when it was really bad, took muscle relaxers and stuff for the spasms during the worst of it. But it's really made me realize how my quality of life has gone downhill...not to mention I packed on a bunch more weight.

I've developed sleep apnea in the last year and I also have super high cholesterol. My ankles and feet have started swelling with some regularity.

I've struggled with my weight my entire adult life although I wasn't always obese. Back in 97 I started taking diet pills and lost 65 lbs but as soon as I stopped taking them, I started gaining the weight back and eventually gained it all back plus some.

A few months ago I started researching WLS again and knew the sleeve was just the tool that I needed. I want my life back! I hate that there are so many things I can't do now. I'm 39 yrs old and I have a son who is almost 21 and is college and I have a 15 yr old daughter. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching my family have fun.

When I told my husband I wanted to do this he said..go for it. I told him our insurance would not cover it. He said he thought it was important enough that we would just pay for it ourselves. He said all the right things about how he wants me to be healthy, how he wants me to live a long time...blah blah blah.

So I move forward with it. I did my research, I talked to people. I have the support and unconditional love of my parents, my family, my boss, my employees, and my best friends. I picked my surgeon and attended a seminar. I've always been very healthy so I didn't even have a PCP. Well I found one and made an appointment and had a checkup. Also found a gyno and had that checkup too as I hadn't had one in several years. My PCP ordered a sleep study which was perfect because my surgeon wanted me to have one anyway. My PCP is very supportive of the surgery and feels like all the other issues i have will be resolved with weight loss. I met with my surgeon last week and he feels I am the perfect candidate for the surgery. I run a company that sells blood tests directly to the consumer at greatly discounted prices so I routinely have labs done. I had an idea of what he'd want and what my PCP would want to see so I had some things run and was able to bring them in to both of them. Each of them ordered a few more tests and I've had them done as well. My surgeon said I'm looking at 2-3 weeks before surgery. Hoping to get my exact date this week.

I've started the pre-op diet and am doing well.

In the two weeks before meeting with my surgeon and having found these boards and OH I started changing my diet in preparation for my new life post-op. I've cut out sugar and took up Water. Started concentrating on Protein and cut out carbs. As of last wednesday I'd lost 11 lbs. just making those changes.

So it all sounds great right? Everything is moving right along..a lot quicker than I expected. So what's the problem?

My husband is a JERK, that's what!

Now I know he loves me and I know that he doesn't MEAN to be a total ass, but he is and it makes me damned mad and frustrated.

I've tried to educate him about the surgery and what it will be life after surgery..yet he continues to make erroneous comments out of ignorance.

He's bee making comments like...well you know if you'd just put some effort into it and get off your butt and exercise you could probably do this without surgery...or I could tell how you to lose weight but you don't want to hear it.

Or just tonight I was showing him how long my fingernails are getting (I'm a nail biter but recently stopped chewing on them) because I started taking Vitamins and he said...yeah you're finally doing things to get healthy...that's great. Now if you'd just quit smoking and get off your butt and exercise then I'd know you were really serious about this.

Or when he opened the pizza box tonight and started making comments about how good it was and didn't I want any when he knows full well I can't have that and how oh well I did this to myself but look at him..he can have it because he goes to the gym and exercises. Yeah, I wanted to punch his lights out and I've never hit anyone in my life!

I feel like he's testing me or something. I told him..hey what happened here? I thought you were all for this? I thought you were supportive of me having this surgery. He said..what I said was that I wasn't against it but I'm just leary of it...I don't know if you can do it. I know how you are...always wanting to take the easy way out...blah blah blah.

I'm trying really hard to stay focused, maintain a positive attitude because I know I'm doing what's right for me. I want my life back and I'm willing to do what it takes to get it...in spite of him and his nasty comments. I know that part of his negativity is coming from fear...fear that something will happen to me during surgery. I can understand that fear, I have some of that myself. I've never had surgery before except c-sections to have my kids. I've never been under general anesthesia before and that's kinda scary. I read the story of the woman who died two days post-op from blood clots. I get that this is a really big step. I also get that without it the chances of me having a heart attack or becoming practically cripple due to my back problems are very high. I think this is much safer than having to have open heart surgery.

Whew...the title of this section is "Tell Your Story"...so I did just that.

If you've gotten this far in my little book...thanks for reading my vent. I feel much better now!

Now...onward to a better and healthier life!

Screw him. lol

hahahaha, your hubbie sounds like mine. . . mine was totally against everything. . (power and control you know) It took me 2 years to even convince the dude to come to a seminar with me. . well he finally bit the bullet and come along. . after the seminar i asked him what he thought (I wanted the band at first) and he said "there is NO WAY i am supporting you with the band" I was absolutely furious, BUT I didn't say a thing except "why" . . he then said "I'll support you with the sleeve" . . I almost fell down! My jaw hit the ground and all I said was thanks hon. . . It seemed like he wanted to make the decision and not me. . . so since i wanted the band he said No and let me have this one. . . ok. . . but NOW it's different. . . he see's how bird like I eat and he gets mad, when food gets stuck or I start slimming and having major "call me an ambulance" pain cause I ate too fast or too much, he get so angry and loudly states "they made a mistake! They never told us about this part, all they wanted was the money now they don't care". . . what a goof ball. . . but i reassure him and let him know that there is nothing we can do about it now cause it's irreversible. . . so this goes on for ever. . . your hubbie is playing a reverse psychology game on you. . .he tells you go ahead, but won't really support your effort, show him, don't get mad, just say yes and amen to whatever, have your surgery and then when you start losing weight, you'll see a whole different hubbie. . . as for selling him to pay for your surgery???? It won't even cover the anestheiologist! . .hehehe:lol0: Good luck on your journey and remember don't get so mad at him, your just hurting yourself and not him. . . .

[ash 5]

My husband once told me that if I didn't get skinny, he'd go have sex with a skinny girl. Seriously. We'd only been married about 5 months when he said that. And the thing that made me so mad was that HE needs to lose over 150 pounds himself. Luckily when I brought up surgery, he was okay with it, but we went round and round for the first year of our marriage about MY weight and how I needed to lose it and he swore I couldn't do it with Weight Watchers or anything else (I had lost about 60 on WW years ago and gained it all back), and he'd YELL when I'd by those 100 calorie Snacks. It was awful.

So now that I've lost so much weight he reminds me that he was the one who married me when I was fat. Like he did me a favor.

I don't mean to put him in such a bad light, and we are happy now, but that first year of marriage was tough for us. Now he's gaining weight and I'm losing it and it's getting to him.

Thanks for letting me vent too! I sometimes forget about all the fights we've had about my weight, but then when I see someone else having trouble with their husband, it comes right back to me!

Just do it, girl. Do it for YOU!

[Tiffykins 673]

I'm sorry he isn't being supportive. Often times, I think it's our loved ones own insecurities that lead them to be negative and condescending. I can't say that I completely understand because my husband has always been 100% supportive of my decision to have WLS. He is a bit stubborn, and close-minded, and we've had our share of minced words about obesity. But, I beat him with knowledge, and I told him, if I could do it on my own, you would not have married a 270lb woman. He knew of all my diet attempts, I even tried while we were dating, and he witnessed me struggle. I think it's finally clicked for him, and he doesn't fully understand why I needed surgery, but he knows that it has worked.

I wouldn't let your husband's comments shatter your joy. You deserve to be healthy, and happy. A lot of marriages are strained due to WLS, but most life changing events cause marital issues. It's all in how y'all manage those issues post-op. He'll need to be prepared for both of your lives to be affected. It took my husband months to stop asking "is that all you are going to eat". He was the food police for awhile, and we finally had a "come to Jesus" talk. My weight loss has actually improved our marriage for many reasons. It took a lot of communication, and brutal honesty, but we're more solid today than we were 2 years ago.

Best wishes on your upcoming appointments, and keep us posted on your progress.

[pnw218 14]

Men. Can't live with them. Can't shoot them legally : )

Mine has been supportive regarding the surgery but he certainly doesn't hesitate to open a big bag of chips and eat them in front of me! Why can't he just eat stuff I don't like or miss????? lol

Seriously Goodlife ~ I have similar issues with the back pain and sleep apnea. My kids have always been involved in sports; I have coached volleyball for over 6 years - and this past season, I couldn't do it without help. Fortunately I had an elementary team last fall and my youngest, a high school freshman and one of her teammates were there. I travel as much as possible and the flights have become almost unbearable without an ice pack and meds. We cruise most of the time and our strategy has always been to always take the stairs, not the elevator - so we can eat what we want. In January, my back was so bad that I could hardly walk let alone climb up and down stairs. I got my cpap machine just over 2 weeks ago.

There does come a time when we have to take charge of our lives and everyone close to us has to accept it. I would agree that your hubby could be experiencing a variety of fears and loss of control. Hopefully he will see the light when you are succeeding with your new sleeve.

I haven't had a c-section but did have a Tummy Tuck. It was much worse than getting the sleeve surgery! And there are always risks. Driving your car to the grocery store is a risk. Sedation is scary. I have had several surgeries and it is always in the back of my mind that I might not wake up. This surgery was definitely worth the risk for me.

Diet and exercise just doesn't work for everyone. I have much more of a mental / food addiction than I knew.

Good luck to you!

[goodlife 3]

Thank you all for your replies.

I've taken to calling my husband Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

I wish I could explain to him why it's not as simple as "well if you'd just go on a diet and start exercising you could lose the weight".

He doesn't understand and frankly I've given up trying to explain it to him.

[Turbo Owl 0]

I am a happily married man, married to my 3rd wife and now I know how to be a husband. my wife and I have been together 10 great loving years now and I purposley do anything that would hurt her. and if I did she would while we were alone let me know how she felt. You need to quietly and respectfully with no one else around tell him everything you mentioned in your last paragraph. Thats what he needs to hear. he needs to know that your scared and that you are serious about doing this. and not just want but need his support. He obviosly loves you. And I would have to imagine that is not an easy thing to do. Talk to him he will listen. Talk means to have a conversation. Which means you have to listen to his concerns as well. Try doing this without putting up walls and automatically thinking he is attacking you. He's not I can assure you of this. He is just concerned as you are. Hope this helps.

[FabBy50 0]

Hi Goodlife!

First of all, I'm sending you a hug!! It is so very hard wwhen the person that we are closest to, does not support us! It is hard enough to make this decision, even harder if you don't have support.

I think I'm a very lucky person, because my hubby ios very supportive. Now after saying that I will mention his lack of will power!! He will stop by the store and bring home all sorts of goodies. He will sit in the same room munching away, oblivious of the fact that it makes me want to snack. A big part of why I gained so much, is becuase of snacking!

I wanted to start this note off by telling you to go poke him in the nose!! Then I decided that would not solve anything!

So just keep on, keeping on!! Get your surgery, when you start losing weight it will all be worth it!

Good luck!