Unsupportive Partner?

[BigLoser 0]

So, I am now 7 days pre-sleeve and am on my liquid diet. My husband is still not on board with the surgery and tries to discourage me every chance he gets.

He thinks my lifestyle change will somehow affect him. I tried telling him that what I put in my mouth has nothing to do with what he puts in his, but he just tries to make me feel guilty. He thinks it is "absolutely ridiculous" that I want this surgery.

Anyone else have an unsupportive significant other? what did you do? Did they eventually come around after the surgery?

Thanks for any advice.

[MlkPas 5]

Wow, Robin, that's really tough. I'm sorry your hubby is being so difficult! You must be a very strong woman to be going forward despite his negativity, and my hat is really off to you!

Do you suppose he's afraid you won't want to be with him after you lose your weight? Is he overweight, too, and feeling threatened by the changes you're making? It sounds like he's really threatened and insecure.

Maybe if you sat him down and said "Dear, you are on your path and I am on my path. This is my life and my body, and I know this is the right thing for me to be doing. It is about me, and my physical and mental health. It is not about you at all. You are my partner and I love you, and I will continue to love you throughout all these changes. And yes, there will be changes. I am going to do this, and your choices are (a) continue to put me down and guilt-trip me and make things difficult for both of us, or (:sad0: step up and be the good, supportive man I know you can be. Your choice."

Honestly, if it's at all possible I'd invest in a few sessions with a marriage counselor to try and get some communication going. And if he won't go, maybe you could see a therapist yourself to figure out some ways to deal with his poor attitude.

Best of luck to you!!

[BigLoser 0]

Thank you for your kind words...you are right. He is overweight and 12 years older than me. He is afraid he will have to do something with himself or I might look elsewhere.

He does not like to be told what to do or how to think, so all I can do at this point is pray. Pray for strength for myself and for understanding and grace for him.

So scared this might end badly. :sad0:

[Tiffykins 673]

Robin, I'm so very sorry that your husband is not being supportive. Mine was extremely supportive, but he also knows me well enough to know that no matter what he said, I was going to do it. One of my main goals was to get to healthy weight so we could conceive a baby, and I could have a healthy pregnancy.

He may feel like he's going to lose his eating partner, and that your new healthy lifestyle may change his lifestyle. A lot of men get insecure when they fear their wife may start looking better than them. My husband dealt with this, and I told him "what makes you think you were the better looking one in the marriage to begin with?" Least to say, we worked through it, and he was a little more "possessive/jealous" when he finally noticed more men noticing me and checking me out.

I'll pray for both of you. Keep your spirits up, and do this for you. Maybe he'll come around once he realizes the many benefits that this surgery gives us.

[angel96049 1]

Hope for the best!! Maybe once he notices all the positive changes you'll have on your journey, he will want to actually make a change for himself (without being told, or how to think)!! Until then he should be able to support you through this tough time without being selfish about it. I hope he can come to his senses for your sake!! Good luck on your journey, even if he's not able to support you on your way...we are always here for you!!

[BigLoser 0]

Thanks guys.

[wannalise 16]

My guy has been supportive, but is scared. He knows that a big portion of what we do as a couple revolves around food, and he also seems to have a good understanding that this will be emotionally difficult for me and he will get to deal w/ my cranky butt. Hang in there and utilize the supports you have here and if you have additional supports through your surgery center dive in. I also know that my surgery center offered some supports to spouses as well. As much as you want this to be your journey it will definitely affect those around you as well. Good luck!

[achopp 0]

Robin,

Sorry to hear that your husband isn't supporting your decision. Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand. I'm having my surgery on March 30th, and just this past week my husband has really shown me that he doesn't think what I am doing is right. He is 6'5" and about 170 pounds, so he has absolutely no idea what it is to have a weight problem.

A couple of nights ago he told me he was angry that I was going to "permanently alter my blueprint" and that having surgery was going to "destroy my body". I actually burst out crying after hearing that. I know what I'm doing is right - I can't live in a constant state of dieting, loss, and regain. It's just so hard to hear from someone you love that your choice of self improvement is wrong. To top it off, I had to get a speech from my dad yesterday saying that if I would just eat the right foods and exercise, I could save myself the trouble and risk of surgery, and basically implying that I am weak for not losing weight on my own. People keep suggesting eating right and exercise to me as if I had never even tried that....

So anyway, I feel ya. It's hard going through something like this with no support, but I personally know it's the right move for me, and I'm confident in that decision. If you feel that surgery is the right thing for you, than it is. This board seems like a great place for support, and I am thankful for that.

[BigLoser 0]

achopp - I am sorry you are going through this as well. I purposely did not share the hair loss possibility with my husband, but he decided to go internet surfing this morning and found it. He says he doesn't want to look at someone with no hair or clown hair (if it grows back a different texture).

His ex-wife is a big woman and I was much smaller when we met 10 years ago. He just told me that he is stupid for making the same mistakes (marrying another woman with self image issues).

Thanks a lot, Hun, for telling me you made a mistake marrying me!

Ugh! On a lighter note...I went to pre-op this morning. 6 more days!

[Tiffykins 673]

achopp - I am sorry you are going through this as well. I purposely did not share the hair loss possibility with my husband, but he decided to go internet surfing this morning and found it. He says he doesn't want to look at someone with no hair or clown hair (if it grows back a different texture).

His ex-wife is a big woman and I was much smaller when we met 10 years ago. He just told me that he is stupid for making the same mistakes (marrying another woman with self image issues).

Thanks a lot, Hun, for telling me you made a mistake marrying me!

Ugh! On a lighter note...I went to pre-op this morning. 6 more days!

You can tell your husband that not all of us that lost hair had it grow in like "clown hair". My new growth is stick straight, and is growing back with a vengeance.

It really sounds like he is just not educated enough on how this all works, and is trying to beat you down with a few negatives instead of rationalizing all the positives.

I honestly can't understand how a spouse could be so unsupportive. It makes me really thankful for my husband, but my heart hurts for y'all. Honestly, their own insecurities are causing this from what y'all have shared, and sadly they need to work out those issues. Nothing is going to change until they are willing to accept the problem lies within themselves and not y'all.

Congrats on getting your pre-op done.

Stay strong, you deserve the very best life has to offer.

[MlkPas 5]

Can you with hubby problems have your partners talk to your surgeons? My hubby was big on "all you need to do is control yourself," until I told him what my surgeon said about obesity being largely outside our control. Once he got educated he's really turned around and is now very supportive.

If your partner won't listen to you, perhaps he'd listen to your doctor. Just a thought.

[BigLoser 0]

That is a nice thought, MlkPas, but my hubby won't listen to anyone. He just told me that he will consider me "damaged goods" if I have the surgery.

I guess I am looking at my marriage or the surgery.

I sure hope it is easier to get forgiveness rather than permission in this case...because I am having this surgery. My kids (6 1/2 and 8 months) will still love me long after he is gone.

[TexasT 99]

As for the hair loss - I never had it with the band, and I haven't had it with the sleeve. I've got plenty of hair and it grows like crazy.

As for the hubby, I'm lucky that mine has always had my back no matter what I've done. When I had my sleeve in January he took it upon himself to change his eating habits also and has lost 15/lbs. He also started on the treadmill too. I think he wanted to look better for me since I looked better for him (although, that's not the reason I did this!).

So many people need a little counseling to learn how to live with their different bodies, eating habits, etc. after WLS. It would be great if your husband could talk to someone with you to see why he's not happy about your decision. You're doing something to make yourself happier and healthier, and to have an even longer life WITH HIM. He should be happy about this and not resentful - it sounds like he has some issues himself that a counselor could help him deal with. I wish you the best!

[Tiffykins 673]

That is a nice thought, MlkPas, but my hubby won't listen to anyone. He just told me that he will consider me "damaged goods" if I have the surgery.

I guess I am looking at my marriage or the surgery.

I sure hope it is easier to get forgiveness rather than permission in this case...because I am having this surgery. My kids (6 1/2 and 8 months) will still love me long after he is gone.

My heart honestly just broke reading that. I am so very sorry that he is being borderline abusive. Insulting, and being so negative towards you is the only way he can feel better about himself. If you ever need someone to talk, I'll send you my cell phone number and you can text or call me anytime. I'm on central standard time as well. This is an emotional and physical journey, the last thing you need is your husband being so insensitive and truly destructive.

Please know we're here for you. Don't ever feel like you can't come to us openly or privately through the private message system.

[kimkbaker 0]

Robin,

Sorry to hear that your husband isn't supporting your decision. Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand. I'm having my surgery on March 30th, and just this past week my husband has really shown me that he doesn't think what I am doing is right. He is 6'5" and about 170 pounds, so he has absolutely no idea what it is to have a weight problem.

A couple of nights ago he told me he was angry that I was going to "permanently alter my blueprint" and that having surgery was going to "destroy my body". I actually burst out crying after hearing that. I know what I'm doing is right - I can't live in a constant state of dieting, loss, and regain. It's just so hard to hear from someone you love that your choice of self improvement is wrong. To top it off, I had to get a speech from my dad yesterday saying that if I would just eat the right foods and exercise, I could save myself the trouble and risk of surgery, and basically implying that I am weak for not losing weight on my own. People keep suggesting eating right and exercise to me as if I had never even tried that....

So anyway, I feel ya. It's hard going through something like this with no support, but I personally know it's the right move for me, and I'm confident in that decision. If you feel that surgery is the right thing for you, than it is. This board seems like a great place for support, and I am thankful for that.

I am glad to hear that I am not the only one that has an unsupportive family. Both my parents and brother all think that I am stupid for having this surgery. I have tried for years to loose weight and keep it off with no success. It is very hurtful to have the people that are supposed to support you unconditionally not be on your side. I know that my decision to have the sleeve is the right one for me that will help me not only loose the weight but also medically help me to reduce my medical issues that I have as well.