Husbands totally not understanding???

[kkandrod 1]

So, as some of you know, I'm in the research phase. I feel, as of now, that VSG is an awesome option for me. I have 80 lbs to lose but a BMI of around 36 so I don't even know if my insurance would approve me. BUT, just pretending they did, I still have the husband hurdle to cross. He is the most amazing man and I am so thankful God brought us together but bless his heart, he totally does not get why I need to do this. He says that he just doesn't understand why I would need to get 85% of my stomach cut out to lose weight when if we would just knuckle down and eat right and exercise we could lose our weight.

What he is forgetting is that I have been overweight my whole life. He met me at a time when I was my smallest, size 10'ish and that was only because I had went through a divorce and was partying and not eating. As SOON as we started dating and I quit living that lifestyle (and for my whole life before that) I started gaining weight. I got up to 211 and found out I had PCOS and did Atkins and lost down to 180'ish and got pregnant. After our son was born, I basically starved and did diet pills and got down to around 175 for a wedding and after that ballooned back up to 212. Did weight watchers for about 6 months and got back down to around 185. When I slowly backed off weight watchers I gained and wound up around 226. And I gained weight every time FAST, no 10 lbs a year for me. More like 10 lbs a month and it wasn't because I was just eating horrible. If I'm not doing a strict diet all the time, I'm gaining weight. That's how my body works. And, because of the PCOS, 90% of my excess weight is around my middle.

That scares me. I can't sleep on my back anymore, my knee kills me, my hips hurt me, my ribs hurt and everything behind my ribs hurts because of all the fat being in my stomach area. I feel like crap all the time. We want to have another child and I know that losing weight when you have PCOS does help with conceiving and the diet that you have to eat with the lower carbs and stuff is perfect for PCOS. So, even though I don't necessarily have the co-morbidities to go along with my 36 BMI I think that with my waist measurement and the PCOS that I am a good candidate. But, even with all that my husband still doesn't get it.

I've told him to go look up risks involved with excess abdominal fat and even maybe some husband's perspectives on different sites. But other than that I don't know what to do. I absolutely would not go against him if he said that he did not feel good about me doing it. But, I do want to make sure he fully understands everything before he forms his final opinion. Part of me thinks he is scared about the risks to me as well as us not being able to make going out to eat our fun thing to do on date night and maybe even a little worry about how I may act/dress once I got skinny and hot, lol. He's precious and I love him so much and I just want him on board. But, I also know that I want him to do the research and pray about it and if the Lord gives him the gut feeling that I shouldn't do it, then I wouldn't do it.

Ahhhh, so much to think about. I guess I just needed to vent a little. Because in the end, even if he said to go for it, the insurance company is still a factor. They won't even tell me if they approve VSG period, just that WLS are covered but they want a 40 BMI or 35-39.9 with two co-morbidities, and unless PCOS and hurting hips/knee or reflux counts, I don't meet that. And, we can not/will not self pay.

If anyone has any info/sites for me to share with hubby, let me know. He's at work and can't access any type of message board websites on their network. Just regular websites. Thanks and God bless!

Krystal

[LAN2k 18]

I had a BMI of 35 had pains in both knees, heel spurs, and stress fractures both feet, and sleep apnea. I really hustled to get to an orthopedic doctor and have x-rays and MRI's that confirmed that osteo-arthritis was the cause of the bad knees and one hip as well. I also had the heel spurs and stress fractures put into the report even if the insurance company didn't count them-I figured the thicker the paperwork of ailments the better my chances for approval. I put myself through a gruesome sleep study that required me sleeping under surveillance at a sleep center twice! It paid off because I was diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea. My surgeon went to bat for me and collected his ammunition along with his letter and I was approved 2 weeks later! I totally understand your husbands concern. It is major surgery and lifestyle change. He loves you and is likely afraid of the possibility of something going wrong. If you can get him to visit your surgeon and allow him to ask questions, maybe go to a seminar and read posts from this message board, maybe he'll reconsider. Best wishes I hope you will come to the right decision for you both.

[Tiffykins 673]

Personally, I would print out exactly what you typed and read it to him. Tell him how miserable you feel, your desire to have another child, and why weight loss surgery is not just about losing weight, it's about maintaining a healthy weight, and relationship with food.

It's not the losing, it's keeping it off.

Arthritis, and reflux can be considered co-morbidities by some insurance companies. Also, get a letter of support from any medical professions that treat any of your conditions so that you can be as armed as possible that you need surgery.

I'm not one to allow anyone to make a decision for me that would improve my health, and my quality of life. Believe me, I understand respecting your husband, but if he'd like to have you around for as many years as possible, he may want to consider that being obese for the next 10-15 years is simply shaving years off y'alls life together. Not to mention, all of the risks of being obese bring us. I didn't have any co-morbidities that were on my list for my insurance company. I have some arthritis in my knees from old injuries, and surgeries. But, other than that, I had perfect blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol. But, I knew one of them would catch up with me at some point if I didn't have surgery to help me get to a healthy weight, and maintain it.

I know some spouses also have a difficult time dealing with their other half losing weight, and see it as more for vanity, and not health. Insecurities creep in regardless of how strong the marriage is. My husband got super possessive when he realized men were checking me out more. Least to say, I put a stop to that immediately. Also, if your husband is overweight as well, he may feel like he will lose his eating partner if you choose surgery. Even though my husband is naturally thin, 8% body fat type, lean/muscular, I know my husband had a difficult time accepting the fact that I don't eat all that much in one meal. He's gotten used to it now, but before he was the food police.

Honestly, don't not do this for anyone else. It saddens when I hear of spouses not being supportive. It's one thing to be concerned, it's another thing to be selfish, and not realize that WLS is the answer for many people who struggle with obesity.

If you're praying about, follow the lead and path God lays out in front of you.

[deedee 5]

Hi Krystal,

My husband was really concerned too when I changed my mind from the band to sleeve. He attended the seminar and most pre-op appointments I had with my surgeon and asked all the questions he had (I think my surgeon is closer to him than me :-). It really did a lot to put his mind at ease, but he was the one that opened my eyes to the fact that my weight was very unhealthy and I had to do something about it before we continued trying conceive. Even then, on the morning of surgery he was ready to cancel the procedure when I was so nervous they were having difficulty getting an IV in me (I was shaking uncontrollably, and my teeth wouldn't stop chattering). I knew all along that his actions/feelings were all out of concern for me, and it sounds like your husband might feel the same way.

My suggestion is similar to the posts above, talk more with him about it. Good luck with that and insurance. Keep us posted.

[kkandrod 1]

Thanks y'all for the responses!!! So, I was talking to him tonight and he seems to be coming around, maybe, lol. He said, "I don't know baby, part of me wants to tell you to go for it because I know it's what you really want to do but the other part of me is still thinking about how crazy having 85% of your stomach cut out seems." It's an improvement y'all! LOL Bless his heart.

As far as not wanting someone else to make this decision for me, I understand those sentiments. But, I also know that when I really want to do something, even though I seek the Lord's guidance for everything, I sometimes mistake my fleshly desires and reasons as His answer. In our marriage, when it comes to things that will affect not just the one person but the whole family, we both make sure and pray for God's answer, not ours. So, when I said that if my husband felt like he was led by the Lord to not be for this, I would have to really take that seriously. I know this may not make much sense to some, lol. But, I just wanted y'all to know I'm not married to some control freak or anything, lol. He's an amazing man who I trust with my life and who I know seeks the Lord's guidance in everything too and if he felt to his core that God was not giving him peace about this, I would have to listen because I trust him and know him well enough to know that he wouldn't just say that to keep me from doing something, it would be, literally, the God's honest truth. Trust me, I'm spoiled ROTTEN and he would bend heaven and earth to give me anything I ask for and has, 'til now:wink0: And will with this too if we are both given the green light from Above. :thumbup:

Ok, so obviously, y'all know more about me now. Hope ya didn't mind that little marriage bio there, lol. Thanks again for all the replies! I really hope to get to know y'all alot better! You ladies are some amazing and strong women!! I spent an hour or so reading over the NSV's thread. SO inspiring, heartwarming and funny!!! Oh I PRAY that I get to be posting on there soon with my little ticker in my signature!! Hey, maybe my hubby's quote up there at the top of this post could be considered my first little NSV huh? LOL Have an awesome night ladies and fellas!! God Bless y'all!

Krystal

[MINI-Me 196]

Thanks y'all for the responses!!! So, I was talking to him tonight and he seems to be coming around, maybe, lol. He said, "I don't know baby, part of me wants to tell you to go for it because I know it's what you really want to do but the other part of me is still thinking about how crazy having 85% of your stomach cut out seems." It's an improvement y'all! LOL Bless his heart.

As far as not wanting someone else to make this decision for me, I understand those sentiments. But, I also know that when I really want to do something, even though I seek the Lord's guidance for everything, I sometimes mistake my fleshly desires and reasons as His answer. In our marriage, when it comes to things that will affect not just the one person but the whole family, we both make sure and pray for God's answer, not ours. So, when I said that if my husband felt like he was led by the Lord to not be for this, I would have to really take that seriously. I know this may not make much sense to some, lol. But, I just wanted y'all to know I'm not married to some control freak or anything, lol. He's an amazing man who I trust with my life and who I know seeks the Lord's guidance in everything too and if he felt to his core that God was not giving him peace about this, I would have to listen because I trust him and know him well enough to know that he wouldn't just say that to keep me from doing something, it would be, literally, the God's honest truth. Trust me, I'm spoiled ROTTEN and he would bend heaven and earth to give me anything I ask for and has, 'til now:wink0: And will with this too if we are both given the green light from Above. :thumbup:

Ok, so obviously, y'all know more about me now. Hope ya didn't mind that little marriage bio there, lol. Thanks again for all the replies! I really hope to get to know y'all alot better! You ladies are some amazing and strong women!! I spent an hour or so reading over the NSV's thread. SO inspiring, heartwarming and funny!!! Oh I PRAY that I get to be posting on there soon with my little ticker in my signature!! Hey, maybe my hubby's quote up there at the top of this post could be considered my first little NSV huh? LOL Have an awesome night ladies and fellas!! God Bless y'all!

Krystal

Thank you for sharing your faith. I think it is wise to research and that both of you feel comfortable with decisions regarding your life together. If we can help with that research, let us know.

[LAN2k 18]

Pre surgery I prayed that God would open the door (insurance) for me to make it possible to have this surgery. I prayed that I'd find the right surgeon. I prayed that Jesus, "the great physician" would be present and work through the hands of my surgeon. I am alone so I did not have a husband to consult with, (wish I did). I prayed that my parents, daughter and sister and a close friend would be supportive.

Everything fell into place, all pre-op appointments and tests, recommendations from my PCP, Psychologist, Orthopedic doc and the surgeon went out to the insurance co. and within 2 weeks I was approved and the date was set within the month. My surgeon kept me in the hospital for 5 days (excessive bleeding (lovenox) likely the cause). I can tell you it is a serious surgery and your husband should be prepared for some serious adjustments with regard to your relationship with food, for the first few months especially. You will lose some serious weight. Your capacity to consume different foods and beverages increases over time but I don't think ever as pre surgery. I love that you and your husband look to God first and I pray that His will be known to you both.

[Stacy160 201]

How to say this tactfully.

When looking to God for your answer, please don't forget that he blessed you with the brains and intelligence to make your own informed decisions in the first place.

[kkandrod 1]

Praise God LAN2k for what He did for you with the surgery!! It's so good to see others who know who is in control, but we have to ask Him to be first!

I'm thinking I need to not only see my PCP, who I know will be on board (he's who mentioned WLS to me to begin with about 2 years ago, but also my OB/GYN because of the PCOS and he has a longer weight history on me, including losses and gains. I never thought about an Orthopedic doc. I know my Chiropractor has done scans on my feet and I need orthotic in soles in a major way. You think I should include something from him too if he thinks it's weight related? I work for him now, lol, so I don't think that would be a problem. I also saw a cardiologist a couple years back who ran all kinds of tests on me but didn't find anything major wrong. Just that I have a little bit of backflow in one of my valves but he didn't say anything needed to be done about it. So, I don't know if I need to contact him or not to include anything when everything is sent in.

The surgery scares me, actually the getting over the surgery and past the risk of complications scares me but then I remember that if God is in control He will protect me and heal me. Plus, it's gonna take God giving me favor with the Insurance company to even get approved. But, I know He will if this is His will!!

As far as my sweetheart, I know he is researching as much as he can while at work and he has even talked to one of his best buds out there. Of course, his friend is skinny and his wife is too, lol, so he said he doesn't know how he'd feel if it were his wife, he said he thinks he'd have a hard time. But, my hubby knows he can't base his decision off of someone who isn't anywhere near the situation we are in. So, prayer and research and waiting is what we can do for now. I'm SO ready to go next week to my PCP! Then it's wait again for an appt with whoever he refers me to. I'm gonna call today and see if I can get an appt with my OB/GYN for the same day or the next week so I can get that out of the way, it's past my yearly checkup time with him so that'll be the chance I need to talk to him about it all.

Thank you so much for your reply! I love talking to others who rest their cares on Him and believe in His power to make things happen for us. I've seen it over and over and over in my life and I know He's not going to stop answering our prayers.

Looking forward to continuing this journey!! Be blessed!

Krystal

[kkandrod 1]

How to say this tactfully.

When looking to God for your answer, please don't forget that he blessed you with the brains and intelligence to make your own informed decisions in the first place.

Hi Stacy!! LOL I totally agree with you on Him blessing us with our intelligence. I think that's why I found VSG in the first place. So, now I've made the decision of my own free will, but I want His blessing on it before going through with it. Trust me, me and my intelligence have made alot of decisions that were NOT in His plans for me and they have always blown up in my face because I did not let Him have control of the situations. He didn't cause these things to go wrong, I did because I didn't invite Him to be in control of them. So, we are just making sure that my decision is in accordance with His will cuz I sure don't want this one blowing up in my face, lol

[Lookinupin2010 0]

Ok, here we go. I struggled with this whole weight loss issue for years, because I felt like I was taking something that the Lord blessed me with (my body) and rearranging it as if to say, "God didn't give me a perfect body, so I have to fix His mistake." Well...God DID give me a perfect body, but over the course of years I abused His gift and made it into something that is not perfect.

I am able to see that now, only by the grace of God, He is allowing me to get rid of this burden, 'let the "old man" die' and 'cast my burdens upon Him'.

He has put scriptures into my heart that have cut deep into my soul. I Cor 6:19-20, I Cor 9:27, Matt 5:16. How am I supposed to give my testimony to others when all they do is look at me and see gluttony. These scriptures were still keeping me in bondage of guilt everytime I messed up. CAUSE ....(now I see) I was still trying to control it, rather than surrender this whole mess I made into Gods' hands.

The insurance approval, which I haven't gotten yet either, is ALL in His hands. I will accept whatever His will is because HE IS God. But I've changed my attitude on WLS as knowing that He will take the mess I've made and 'fix' it if that is His will....and isn't that where we want to be..in His will for He is perfect.:001_unsure:

[kkandrod 1]

AMEN lookinup!!! I agree with you whole heartedly! He gave me a perfect body, yes, I'm different and will carry weight differently and on and on but the body I have is NOT what He gave me originally. I, and I alone, took His temple and defiled it. I've done it with food, smoking and tons of other things! Praise HIM for getting me through most of the other stuff that I did to His temple and He WILL get me through this and the other stuff I have to get rid of. But, it is up to ME to ALLOW Him to do it. My Holy Father is a gentleman so He waits to be asked!

He has shown me over and over in my life to never say never, and this is yet another one of those instances. I said I would never do a weight loss surgery, I would suck it up and eat right and exercise and blah blah blah. Well, here I am humbled and wanting to do weight loss surgery, lol.

God did not do this to me, nor does He do bad things to ANYONE! I did this to me because I didn't let Him have control in my life and I didn't listen when He nudged me to do the right thing millions of times over these last many years. This is my fault, not His. He didn't do this to me but He WILL get me through it because I've given it to Him to take care of. So, I'm with ya on the changed attitude about weight loss surgery and I'm believing He will provide the ways for me to finally do what I need to do to get His body/temple back to where He meant for it to be.

Thanks for posting on this thread lookinup! Let's pray for each other ok? I'll pray blessings, favor, healing and health for you, in Jesus' name, Amen and Amen!!

[kkandrod 1]

OHHH!!! I forgot! My husband has been praying and tonight he informed me that he feels like he is supposed to support me with this and that we should just keep researching and go ahead and go through with meeting different docs and if it's all approved by insurance to go for it. YAYYYYYY!!!!!! I told him to keep praying about it and I would too and we'd take it one step at a time :-) Praise God!!

So, my prayers are now that my eyes and ears and spirit be open to what He places in my path and if He leads me differently that I not be so caught up in the excitement that I miss what He shows me and do something I shouldn't. He's my Daddy, He knows I'm good at doing that when I REALLLLLLY want something

Woohoo!!!!!! I'm excited!!

[2muchfluff 1]

KK,

I don't know what all the comorbidities are, but I do know that diabetes, high blood pressure, and sleep apnea are three of them. Unfortunatley, I don't need the comorbidites because I have it all sewed up with my bmi, which is about 44 or 45 I think. I hope things work out so that you can do what you need to get your health under control.