Dealing with family during the holidays...*meep*!!!

[stinaNYC 0]

Alright...so I knew I couldn't hide out from my family forever. I was just hoping that I could stretch it out a bit longer!

I am about 14 weeks post-op and have yet to attend an all-family get together. This weekend will be the first time that all of the family is there and I'm extremely nervous.

Only my mom and dad know that I've been banded...they are incredibly supportive and think what I did for myself is just wonderful (plus, my mom has a crush on my surgeon! Hee!). I've been around my Grandmother a few times, and while I haven't told her anything about being banded, I know she knows *something's up*.

Like many grandmas, she watches you like a hawk at meal time...always ready with a plate of food for that second you finish what's on yours. The past 2 times I've been around her with my band, I hadn't had much restriction, so eating wasn't too much of an issue. This past weekend I was only 3 days post-fill at 2.5 cc's, so I was being very careful about what I ate, getting used to my restriction.

She kept making comments like "Christina, what's wrong? Do you not like your food? Here, take more...you've hardly eaten anything!" I've managed to politely refuse, but you can tell she thinks something's wrong. Plus, this past weekend, the food just wasn't going down, so I'd have to excuse myself immediately after dinner to PB...I'm positive she thinks I have an eating disorder now!

For Memorial Day weekend, the aunts are coming over, and they don't miss a thing either. Especially one aunt, who has always been on me about my size and weight...she notices if I lose a single pound and then tries to get me to talk about how I'm losing the weight, am I exercising, etc. She'll criticize me for anything I put in my mouth.

Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to having to come up with clever and convincing ruses for 3 days. Part of me just wants to shout from the rooftop "I HAVE A SILICONE BELT AROUND MY STOMACH AND NO, DAMN IT, I DON'T WANT ANYMORE POTATO SALAD!!!" The other part of me knows how judgemental my family is and how bad of an idea telling them about my band is.

I don't like feeling like I've done something bad that has to be locked away so no one finds out about "what I've done". The other reason I haven't just come clean with the family is because they'll see the "drastic" measures I've taken to lose weight as a mark against my mother and her "worth" as a mother. They'll blame my obesity and my "lack of willpower" to lose weight the "normal" way as some sort of indication of her flaws as a mother, and I really just don't want to bring that kind of criticism upon her.

Oh...did I mention we're having *steak* for dinner on Saturday? :omg:

Any suggestions on how to deal with this greatly appreciated...I knew thatt if there were a group of folks who'd know how to deal with this mess, it would be you guys!! :help:

[3loves 0]

Hold your head high!! You've given yourself a wonderful gift and in the end, it doesn't really matter what others say. I always say that if their talking about me, at least their leaving someone else alone. Tell them you have the band. It was a personal decision and you have no regrets. Leave it at that. You can smile when you see them huddled in the corner talking b/c your getting healthy and feeling good. And WOW, you have so much energy....look at you chasing the little ones around!!! Let your happy spirit show and don't let them make you feel ashamed!!

[DonnaB 3]

Start the weekend by telling everyone that you've just begun a low volume, high nutrient, doctor supervised diet - or eating plan if you don't want to bust out the 'd' word. That's just enough BS to make them step back while still being the truth. No guilt allowed! Ask them to be supportive of your new eating habits, and make them understand that you're not ready to discuss it with them further than that explanation.

If they pester you about it, tell them that if they're still interested the next time the family get's together - hopefully not for a LONG LONG time lol - you'll give them all the information they want at that time.

Stand up for yourself. Don't tell anything you're not ready to tell. When grandma starts pushing food at you, tell her you would enjoy it but it's not on your meal plan in this phase of your diet - AND BESIDES, the critical aunt is watching every bite so you don't dare!

Family can be such a challenge. Hold your head up, and stand your ground. Once they realize they can't push you into 'confessing' you have some horrible eating disorder or force feed you macaroni and cheese, they'll ease up.

Let us know how it goes, some of us may be in for the same treat in the near future!

[tipper 0]

Hi there -

I completely understand where you are coming from! I haven't told my family either. I have 3 sisters, 8 aunts and a zillion cousins. The only folks who know are my husband, my 1 trusted aunt and through much pressure: my mom.

My mom would sit and watch me all through meal time. And say: "Why didn't you eat.?" "Aren't you hungry?" "Since when don't you eat bread? "

She actually started questioning my sisters and asking if I had an eating disorder. So finally, I told her, just to get her off my back. She was very supportive and happy that I was able to find a tool to help me with my weight problem. But I swore her to secrecy because I don't want anyone else to know. My family (including my father) can be VERY judgemental. They all believe that weight loss is mind over matter. We all know that is much more than that.

Anyway, when I'm in the company of family and under watchful eyes, I make up excuses like:

I just ate before you guys got here.

I'm on a WW diet and counting points / I'm on a low carb diet.

My stomach is a little upset.

I'm really trying to lose weight and am praying for help from God and want to act in harmony with my prayers by not filling up my plate with a whole lot of food. (Really make the point by saying a long silent prayer before you eat) :>)

Hope this helps...

[DonnaB 3]

LOL Love the prayer!

[msbug 0]

I haven't been banded yet, but I can sympathize. I have no desire to tell my family, aside from my mom and dad. My uncle's are so critical and gram is a blabber-mouth, so I'm not sure how I'll get around it. The good news is I probably won't see any of them till Thanksgiving!

I like the idea of telling them you're on a high-nutriet, small portion diet. Or tell them you've just gotten over the stomach flu and are afraid if you eat you might puke all over them. That also covers you if you have to rush to the bathroom to pb. :eek: Good luck!

[Jachut 487]

Oh, I'd just tell em and be done with it, you'll have the negative remarks and have to justify your actions and then it'll be over.

I really dont get hiding something like this from friends and family - you cant keep obesity a secret. They can see you're fat right? So everybody knows that even though you may not eat much right in front of them, you sure as heck are doing it somewhere, at some time. That's a really hard thing to face up to, we think we keep our dirty little secrets hidden but obesity is a very public disease, everybody knows anyway.

You've done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, in trying to justify it to my family I told them that nobody questioned my husband when he had an operation to fix the compartment syndrome he was suffering from, nobody is questioning that I need surgery on my eyes, nobody gave me sh&t for having a caesarean in my last pregnancy, this is NO different to having an operation to fix any other ailment in your body. Its a disease that can be managed by surgery for most people.

You have a lifetime of this to get through and there will be times when you simply cannot eat another bite or its going to come up, if you get something stuck on your third forkful for instance. I wouldnt have the energy to hide something like this forever.

[Marimaru 7]

I told everyone in my family, lol. Fortunately, my family isn't all that judgemental (openly anyway, LOL).

If it were me, and I didn't want someone to know, I'd just tell them I was on a diet. If they start nagging you about it, you *could* say, "You know, I talked to my doctor about this and we arranged a plan, so I know what I am doing this time, thank you". Alternately there's always things like saying you are on antibiotics that are making your stomach upset, etc. :eek:

I hope this helps. It wasn't all that long ago that I realized that there are lots of people in my family that I would not choose to associate with if I wasn't related to them.

[stinaNYC 0]

You've done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, in trying to justify it to my family I told them that nobody questioned my husband when he had an operation to fix the compartment syndrome he was suffering from, nobody is questioning that I need surgery on my eyes, nobody gave me sh&t for having a caesarean in my last pregnancy, this is NO different to having an operation to fix any other ailment in your body. Its a disease that can be managed by surgery for most people.

Your point about this being like any other surgery is so right on...especially with this problematic aunt. I haven't developed any major diseases/conditions yet due to my obesity...the Lap Band was *preventive* surgery, if you think about it. It's no different from my aunt's decision to have the fat sucked out of her eylids to prevent signs of aging (a point I like to throw at her when she talks about how I "disfigured" myself with a tattoo)...or her decision to have a total hysterectomy to stop her heavy periods before trying any other treatments.

And geez...my grandfather just got out of the hospital, where he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure due to his crappy eating habits! Two arteries nearly 100% blocked in each, and *no one* pointed fingers at him for either his poor eating choices OR his decisions to ignore his doctors' advice and warnings all these years prior to his first heart attack.

Okay...now I'm all worked up about this. Thank you, everyone...I'll let you know how it goes this weekend. I'm not going to look for opportunities to blurt it all out, but if I get cornered by the family, I think I'm just going to be up front about it.

I really appreicate everyone's advice and insight, but I think I may just go the old "honesty is the best policy" route. I mean really...how much crap can they give me, and for how long?

No more hiding! :clap2:

[Jachut 487]

Good for you. And remember, the louder and prouder you are, the more likely you might just be the person that makes a difference for someone else.

I kind of knew about this surgery years ago but it wasnt until an acquaintance of mine had it done and was open about it that I realised that "real" people did do this and that it was a possibility for me. It really led me to where I am today.

[juliek 0]

Excellent decision. I told my whole family (and I have a huge one 10 brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles cousins, etc) and they couldn't have been more supported. It is funny really, because I was expecting a lot more grief, once they learned I didn't have the by-pass, everyone was 100% on board. Good luck!

[Bensmum1109 0]

Stina, I went through what you are going through with my family. I only told my parents (hubby knows, of course), and my mother blabbed to my sister-in-law. Which totally pissed me off. Although I have forgiven her for it, I still don't trust her like I used to, which is sad.

If people ask, nag, put food in your face, just respond like this "I am trying to lose weight by watching my portions, eating more slowly, and exercising. It seems to be working, and I WOULD APPRECIATE EVERYONES SUPPORT"

Even though you have a band now, that is, in fact, what you are doing. You are trying to lose weight, you are watching your portions, eating more slowly, and exercising (I hope). The fact that you have a tool to assist you with this process is nobodys business but YOURS unless you want it to be.

I applaud you for choosing the band. My surgeon told me that this form of WLS is a lot more work than other forms, because we lose weight slower and it's easier to "eat around" this surgery. But there is definitely a misconception of WLS being the easy way out, and people are awfully judgemental, aren't they?

Remember, the decision needs to be yours. Follow your gut on this decision and use our advice as a guide. None of us will judge you no matter what you are comfortable with!!

[DonnaB 3]

Oh, I agree, honesty IS the policy, besides that way you don't ever have to feel remorse over lying when eventually they find out!

I really meant that by telling them of your eating plan - call it a diet if that is more natural - you ARE telling the truth. No one says you have to share every intimate detail of YOUR life. By all means, tell the truth - just don't feel compelled to 'confess' details of your own private business.

[Dancing Queen 0]

I guess I am just an excited blabbermouth:bored I have told all my friends, family even TOTAL STRANGERS!!! I simply cannot wait to have surgery.

I had a hard time telling my mother and mother-in-law. I knew my mother-in-law would freak when she heard the word Mexico and my mom is scared b/c we recently lost a cousin who was only 30years old after she had a Tummy Tuck, lypo and breast enhancement (yes, a lot of invasive procedures at once). I understand why my family is a little worried and my mother-in-law is handling it a little better after I showed her Dr. Rumbaut's website.

You have to tell them when you're ready and ultimately it was your decision to do something for self improvement. I admit when my mom was so scared I started questioning the selfishness of my decision, but I also think it selfish not to do something to improve my chances of being there for my kids and grandkids (a long way down the road).

Dancing Queen

Dr. Rumbaut

scheduled for lap band 7-27-06

256/242/150

[sisterfunkhaus 3]

I'll tell anyone who will listen. I don't care who likes it or how they talk about me. People LOVE to tell me their concerns or about a less drastic diet I could do. I just smile and nod my head and go about my business. I WILL not be forced in to shame or hiding. I want everyone to know what I am doing. So be it if they think I'm taking the easy way out. Who cares??? I know the truth.

I guess my point is that people need to worry about their own business and stop trying to make drama in yours. It's your life. You shouldn't have to hide, lie, or anything like that.