That went well.......NOT (long)

[iluvthesun 2]

Thank you all so much for all your responses (even the blunt ones! haha). I really value your comments as people who have been there/done that and will be thinking hard about all of them.

I talked to him today to let him know what I thought about his comments and he did acknowledge that he really didn't know anything about this surgery, etc. He would like to go to an information session, but you have to wait to even get invited to that. In large cities I'm not sure how often the sessions are held, but maybe if we are travellng I might be able to attend one somewhere sooner. I'm also not sure if any of the surgeons have information packages that explain everything? Did any of you get something like that?

We have certainly had our issues in the past and worked through them so far (we've been together 25 years, married for 19). We are definetly the "opposites attract" example. While opposites might attract they are hell to live with! We live in a very small city where the job advancement opportunities are limited. In my job a promotion would be to move to Newfoundland, a promotion for him would be to move to Ontario. Who knows what the future will bring.

I hope you all realize what a positive impact you have on others.

Thanks again,

Nancy

[*susan* 1,709]

I don't know your husband, but the point I was trying to make was what thinoneday was saying. Is he normally abusive or controlling? If not, then perhaps there is a deeper fear there that he has not verbalized to you. We all know how men are, then need to keep up their tough facade at all times. However, if this isn't typical of him, then perhaps he is actually concerned about something happening to you and the possibility of losing you from a medical complication. Or, perhaps he is concerned that you will lose weight and once you do, other men will begin noticing you again. Maybe he just needs reassurance that you love him and the size of your body is not going to change that. And, if he is concerned about complications, that is why I suggested he attend a seminar, talk to the doctors or even join this forum and talk to us.

[JudyJudyJudy 7]

Well a couple of months ago my Dr. suggested sleeve surgery and sent the referral to Nova Scotia. I mentioned it to my husband and his answer - I would prefer you do it on your own......but there is lots of time to think about it until we hear something from the Dr.

So I have been busy reading, reading, researching on-line and love the idea of the surgery. I found out that the surgeon in NS has a 5 - 7 year wait, but it isn't a list, it is based on need.

Mid August - good news, the Province has agreed to pay for the out of Province surgery.......

As suggested by one of the Ontario people, I called the Provincial Coordinator to see if they pay for surgery in Cleveland since OHIP pays for it (they only waited 8 weeks for surgery). She said normally it is only for emergency procedures, not obesity. She asked if I knew the cost and again based on the info. from one of the Ontario people (thank you for sharing the info!) I said $34,000. She couldn't say for sure the cost of surgery in NS - but thought it was quite a bit cheaper.....so she didn't think it likely but said do the research & send it in for the medical director to review.

So I'm thinking, okay - possibly 3 options: wait for NS, self pay to Mexico, maybe maybe come up with enough arguments to go to Cleveland...

So I thought to myself - I should mention all this to my husband. His answer - you know I prefer you do it yourself......you aren't going to Mexico for surgery, "I won't allow it". Now you don't know me, but I'm not the shy retiring type so I started to laugh. He didn't think it was funny and said if I went I would find the door with a different lock and divorce papers. Then I suggested the US....hmmm it appears that it really isn't Mexico that is the problem - seems it is a money thing. I have a good job (I have been blessed in this and in many other ways), and my Mom recently gave me $5,000. My parents don't believe in leaving an inheritance, they want to share what they have now.

When I reminded him of this, he moved onto his next argument - well the last time you wasted all that money at Herbal Magic taking those pills and you didnt' even try. EXCUSE ME?? Yes I took pills, yes it cost a lot and yes I gained it back - but I did try. I ate properly and exercised (I guess he missed that at the time). Plus he knows someone who had bariatric surgery and they gained it all back........ He doesn't think I should take the "easy" way out, but should do this on my own.

I did explain that once you have the VSG you still need to "do it on your own" - eat properly, exercise, etc. - but that the tool won't allow me to eat the same quantities of the bad stuff like I did before. Yes I told him if I ate a bunch of ice cream and stuff I would gain weight.

So....that is my story. He is stubborn & I am stubborn. He says - just wait for NS until you talk to the Dr. I say - I don't want to wait that long....

Hopefully this is like other times where he stews over it for a while and then becomes more reasonable.

I'd appreciate any tips you can give on how to convince him (I asked would he do some research - nope.....he would just like to keep his head in the sand and I hope I forget).

Thanks for hanging in there long enough to read all this.

Nancy

Nancy

My husband married me at 225 lbs. He has watched me struggle for 7 years, trying every new diet that comes along and I DO try. But fail because I have not control over portions. I do well for a while then fall completely off the wagon. This is the ONLY thing I have never been able to conquer in my entire life. I am a self taught artist, airbrusher and floral designer. I've been through to bad marriages, and raised two kids totally on my own. I can do just about anything I put my mind to, except loose weight.

I asked my husband "if I can find a way to get weight loss surgery will you let me do it?" He said Yes...you struggle constantly with your weight and I worry about your health. I want you around a very long time, so YES if you can find a way, do it. Then he said "will this make you happy, I said YES, it will change my life". So he's totally behind me, because he know's I have poor self disipline.

My grandfather left me an inheritance, and my mother has been hanging on to it. I asked her is she would let me have it for this surgery, and she said for this....YES. She want's me healthy too. So

I did my research, and I'm going for my first consultation Oct. 22nd, in Gonzalez, Louisiana. A friend fo mine had it done in March, 2009 and is doing great. SO I am using the same Dr. She used. It's 3 and half ours away that's all. I thought of out of the US, but my husband, Mother and best friend put the breaks to that. They all said NO WAY.

I was going to try to save some money, but they all said you can't garage sale with your life. Stay in the US, and we'll support you. SO I am. Those 3 people's opinions mean more to me than any, so I'm doing what they ask.

I say, if he loves you , and wants you healthy, he should encourage you. It does cost a LOT, I could not have done it with out my inheitance. And I can understand his stand on the money, but you life is worth much more than money!!!!

that's all I got, stand strong.

Judy

[JudyJudyJudy 7]

Hi Nancy,

you don't say how much weight you need to lose but I had to convince my husband and family 2 years ago when I paid to have my band. I was huge, had a massive abdominal hernia and just 'couldn't' lose the weight myself. My surgeon refused to operate on my hernia until I lost weight so it was a vicious circle really. I was fat, depressed and ate and ate, felt guilty, lost a pound or two and then ate again. I booked my band surgery without discussing it with anyone first and they all said the same 'It's dangerous, it's drastic, blah blah blah' and I retorted that being morbidly obese was also dangerous and I was looking diabetes in the eye as well as all the other obesity-related conditions. They weren't convinced but I knew it was right and eventually won-over some support as I really had to have my hernia fixed as well.

Anyway, I have had no regrets since and not one person has said I was wrong. It was right for me despite revising to the sleeve this year (don't be tempted to have a band - that's another issue). I have lost just over 112lbs in 2 years - see my photos- and I feel great, absolutely brilliant. AS well as my health being improved, so is my confidence. I was obese for years (it piled on slowly and gradually) and just could not conquer it whatever I did - Atkins, WW, pills, you name it.

I don't really know what you can say to your husband to convince him as there are a lot of people out there who claim it is the 'easy' option. It's not, it's major surgery, but you have to work out the pros and cons. Despite my band eventually failing it was money well spent. Luckily the NHS in the UK agreed to fund my revision surgery so I didn't have to pay out again but I needed the permanence of the sleeve as it was a sure-thing that I would gain all my weight back without it. I am a food addict and always will be.

Good luck in making your decision and hopefully you can win your hubby over!

Helen xxx

Hi Helen

I too am a food addict, I love food, every single bite. But food does not love me. I've struggled for 25 years just like you have. I just can't do it alone. Has the sleeve cured your addiction? Do you still crave all those foods you used to LOVE? Is the emotional stress tolerable?

Do you get depressed because you can't eat? And what do you do instead of eating?

I am not morbidly obess, I'm what ya'll call a "light weight" My BMI is 39 and I'm 235 lbs. But I'm only 5'5" and should weight 135. This extra 100 lbs. effects everything, my back, my knees, my breathing, my sex life, my heart. I want to be normal again !!!!

Do you regret any of it? Do you miss eating? I fear I will....be depressed when I'm in a room full of people gorging themselves on Christmas dinner etc. To me it would seem like avoiding the Bars if your an alcoholic, but how do you avoid food? SO many thoughts, so much to think about.........

[Jane_J 117]

Hi Helen

I too am a food addict, I love food, every single bite. But food does not love me. I've struggled for 25 years just like you have. I just can't do it alone. Has the sleeve cured your addiction? Do you still crave all those foods you used to LOVE? Is the emotional stress tolerable?

Do you get depressed because you can't eat? And what do you do instead of eating?

I am not morbidly obess, I'm what ya'll call a "light weight" My BMI is 39 and I'm 235 lbs. But I'm only 5'5" and should weight 135. This extra 100 lbs. effects everything, my back, my knees, my breathing, my sex life, my heart. I want to be normal again !!!!

Do you regret any of it? Do you miss eating? I fear I will....be depressed when I'm in a room full of people gorging themselves on Christmas dinner etc. To me it would seem like avoiding the Bars if your an alcoholic, but how do you avoid food? SO many thoughts, so much to think about.........

Hi Judy,

I just wanted to say that the sleeve has cured my addiction to overeating and I don't miss it at all. I just don't have the same desires I had before, I think it's the reduction in the grehlin hormone that does it. I am extremely happy now and enjoying clothes, going out and eating (small amounts) and drinking with friends. It's brill. :thumbup:

[Bornagainbabe 4]

Hi Helen

I too am a food addict, I love food, every single bite. But food does not love me. I've struggled for 25 years just like you have. I just can't do it alone. Has the sleeve cured your addiction? Do you still crave all those foods you used to LOVE? Is the emotional stress tolerable?

Do you get depressed because you can't eat? And what do you do instead of eating?

I am not morbidly obess, I'm what ya'll call a "light weight" My BMI is 39 and I'm 235 lbs. But I'm only 5'5" and should weight 135. This extra 100 lbs. effects everything, my back, my knees, my breathing, my sex life, my heart. I want to be normal again !!!!

Do you regret any of it? Do you miss eating? I fear I will....be depressed when I'm in a room full of people gorging themselves on Christmas dinner etc. To me it would seem like avoiding the Bars if your an alcoholic, but how do you avoid food? SO many thoughts, so much to think about.........

Hi Judy,

Difficult to answer for me as I still do have a lot of cravings and have been struggling with portion sizes but I think that I am getting there. I don't think about food all the time anymore and I don't think that I am depressed. I have a chocolate when offered one and I ate some cake the other day and had to stop when I had had enough (my friend had the job of finishing it off!). My weight loss is very slow now but that is fine as I have lost a lot already. There are so many positive aspects (same as Jane quoted) that definitely outweight any negative ones so I wouldn't dwell on them and would just look forward to being happier and healthier.

[carolyn24seven 11]

wow. we are married to the same man! almost. mine finally gave in. He said ok on Monday and I made my appt for 10/15. not letting him back out.Honestly, the Stoongal story is what pushed him over the edge. ( to acceptance) Mine thinks I won't exercise and I will just blow this deal. Hard to succeed with this much negativity around. But I shall, cause I am stubborn too. I sure hope you do not have to wait 5 years. God Bless your parents for giving you the money. Do this for yourself, not against anyone.

[iluvthesun 2]

Hi Carolyn24seven,

So glad to hear that your hubby is finally on board and that you got a date so quickly. I'll be thinking of you. I think I will print out a couple of the stories for him to read - good idea.

So who will be doing your surgery? Are you doing a pre-op diet? I don't really understand why some Dr's include it and some don't.

He said to me yesterday that he pictures me dying in Mexico if I go there for surgery, so maybe it is fear more than being a big jerk. He wants a Dr. to say I am a good candidate for surgery and then talk about the where. Maybe I will be able to book an appointment with someone in a private clinic somewhere just to do that part. I think it is more about him thinking the Dr. in Mexico or US will do it just for the money whether I am a good candidate or not.....I'm not really sure what he thinks you need to be / have to be a good candidate.

Thanks for sharing your story, it is encouraging.

Nancy

[iluvthesun 2]

JudyJudyJudy - I have worried about that too, but know that I have to try something.

Jane - thanks for sharing your experience - it is so encouraging.

Nancy

[Malaika 50]

I luv the sun -- Dr. Aceves will NOT do the surgery if he doesn't believe you are a good candidate - you have to fill out a form and it takes him a day or two to review and give you a decision.

Ruthi wasn't sure when she went for her sleeve whether or not she was going to be able to have it done due to complications from the band a few months before -- he made her go through a barium swallow and other pre-op tests before he agreed she was healed enough to do the surgery.

You could call Nina and let her know what is going on and have her send you information for your husband to read - or you could go to Dr. Aceves website and print out his credentials for your husband to read, plus stories from VST. Heck, I would be more than willing to talk to him on the phone about the entire procedure if he would be willing to do so -- PM me if that's a possibility and I'll give you my phone number .. he could talk to both me and Bearded as we both had the surgery with Dr. Aceves. Heck, if you call this weekend, he could talk to both of us and Ruthi too!

[iluvthesun 2]

Thanks Vegas Angel,

Funny you should post that, I was just thinking that I should fill out the papework with all my details and send it to the Dr.s to see what they say (even if I'm not ready to book anything).

I realize they are making a living, and pretty much all of us work for money - but I can't see a Dr. with such a good reputation doing surgery when he shouldn't. The money would never be worth the loss in reputation - plus I think most Dr.'s are in the business for the RIGHT reasons, to help people.

I'll ask to see if he would be willing to talk to you, that is such a nice offer. If he is willing, I'll send you a message.

I recently had a small stroke (Lacunar - sensory) and I think it has really scared him, even more than me. Unfortunately we are scared in different directions right now. Me thinking I have to get the weight off and keep it off - the sleeve is the right tool, him thinking I could have lost her, I've been telling her to do something i.e. exercise & diet (much easier said than done). I'll keep working on him and hope he comes around.

Nancy

[Bornagainbabe 4]

I don't even live in the States but since I have been on this board I haven't heard a single bad thing said about Dr Aceves in Mexico. If I was pre-op now I would be wanting to come over there...My surgeon is really good though so I'm certainly not dissing him.

All surgery carries some risk. Everyone wants their doctor to say it's fine, you will be fine blah blah blah and despite my surgeon being very confident he did lay it on the line and discuss the risks.

The main problem with bariatric surgery and convincing our loved ones that it is the right thing is that the media always reports on the failures, but statistically there aren't really that many. Our surgeons are so experienced with this type of surgery now as they are doing so many every day. And I am confident that all the reputable surgeons don't want to tarnish those reputations by carrying out surgery that they are not confident is right for the patient. Does that sound right?

There are many success stories on this website and those who have suffered complications (I'm certainly not underestimating them) but I think that you have to research, choose a reputable surgeon and ultimately put your faith in them. The alternative is dying anyway....from obesity.

Helenxxx

[carolyn24seven 11]

God I hope you get him to a Dr. that can explain away his fears. Mine sat there in the office while I was getting the SynviscOne shot in my knees. The Dr. talked at lenght about how this is a great idea for me, how it would help my knees etc. Still he hesitated until Stoongal's story came up. He made me verify that she was a real person-----She gave me her Email and phone number so he finally gave in.

Wish I could help you some how. They just love us so much and are afraid of loosing us so try to reaffirm how much you want to be around for a long time to recieve that love. Hope it helps.

[AlaskaChick 0]

My suggestion would be couples counseling. I don't like to meddle in other people's marriages and give advice that your husband is "abusive" or "manipulative". It sounds like to me you two got into an argument and you wanted to use the forum as a release. That is perfectly sound and understandable, but you are the only one who is in control of your life and marriage.

That being said...

A little bit about me and my relationship. I am not married, and have been with my Boyfriend for 4 years now. We have lived together this whole time, and are in love. I can see myself marrying him in the near future. However, I can tell you that we have had our share of arguments and up/downs. We have gone to couples counseling multiple times since we have been together. It makes a real world of difference, we are not even married but we want to ensure that we understood each other. If you had a good counselor, he/she may be able to help you two work together on your want for the surgery. This way you may be able to learn his concerns, and it may surprise you what they are. And in turn, he may be more understanding of your struggles.

Hope this may help you-

[carolyn24seven 11]

I am surprised your Husband would rather spend $19K than 6 K . Most men are the exact opposite. Once he is convinced you are going to do this, he may change his mond. Let him know you are going to be there for the long haul! He is probably worried you will leave him when you get thin. Hence the threat so he could be first to leave and save face. Silly men. We just gotta convince them we are not going to trade up as soon as we are thin. Sheeze!