That went well.......NOT (long)

[iluvthesun 2]

Well a couple of months ago my Dr. suggested sleeve surgery and sent the referral to Nova Scotia. I mentioned it to my husband and his answer - I would prefer you do it on your own......but there is lots of time to think about it until we hear something from the Dr.

So I have been busy reading, reading, researching on-line and love the idea of the surgery. I found out that the surgeon in NS has a 5 - 7 year wait, but it isn't a list, it is based on need.

Mid August - good news, the Province has agreed to pay for the out of Province surgery.......

As suggested by one of the Ontario people, I called the Provincial Coordinator to see if they pay for surgery in Cleveland since OHIP pays for it (they only waited 8 weeks for surgery). She said normally it is only for emergency procedures, not obesity. She asked if I knew the cost and again based on the info. from one of the Ontario people (thank you for sharing the info!) I said $34,000. She couldn't say for sure the cost of surgery in NS - but thought it was quite a bit cheaper.....so she didn't think it likely but said do the research & send it in for the medical director to review.

So I'm thinking, okay - possibly 3 options: wait for NS, self pay to Mexico, maybe maybe come up with enough arguments to go to Cleveland...

So I thought to myself - I should mention all this to my husband. His answer - you know I prefer you do it yourself......you aren't going to Mexico for surgery, "I won't allow it". Now you don't know me, but I'm not the shy retiring type so I started to laugh. He didn't think it was funny and said if I went I would find the door with a different lock and divorce papers. Then I suggested the US....hmmm it appears that it really isn't Mexico that is the problem - seems it is a money thing. I have a good job (I have been blessed in this and in many other ways), and my Mom recently gave me $5,000. My parents don't believe in leaving an inheritance, they want to share what they have now.

When I reminded him of this, he moved onto his next argument - well the last time you wasted all that money at Herbal Magic taking those pills and you didnt' even try. EXCUSE ME?? Yes I took pills, yes it cost a lot and yes I gained it back - but I did try. I ate properly and exercised (I guess he missed that at the time). Plus he knows someone who had bariatric surgery and they gained it all back........ He doesn't think I should take the "easy" way out, but should do this on my own.

I did explain that once you have the VSG you still need to "do it on your own" - eat properly, exercise, etc. - but that the tool won't allow me to eat the same quantities of the bad stuff like I did before. Yes I told him if I ate a bunch of ice cream and stuff I would gain weight.

So....that is my story. He is stubborn & I am stubborn. He says - just wait for NS until you talk to the Dr. I say - I don't want to wait that long....

Hopefully this is like other times where he stews over it for a while and then becomes more reasonable.

I'd appreciate any tips you can give on how to convince him (I asked would he do some research - nope.....he would just like to keep his head in the sand and I hope I forget).

Thanks for hanging in there long enough to read all this.

Nancy

Edited October 6, 2009 by iluvthesun

[Bornagainbabe 4]

Hi Nancy,

you don't say how much weight you need to lose but I had to convince my husband and family 2 years ago when I paid to have my band. I was huge, had a massive abdominal hernia and just 'couldn't' lose the weight myself. My surgeon refused to operate on my hernia until I lost weight so it was a vicious circle really. I was fat, depressed and ate and ate, felt guilty, lost a pound or two and then ate again. I booked my band surgery without discussing it with anyone first and they all said the same 'It's dangerous, it's drastic, blah blah blah' and I retorted that being morbidly obese was also dangerous and I was looking diabetes in the eye as well as all the other obesity-related conditions. They weren't convinced but I knew it was right and eventually won-over some support as I really had to have my hernia fixed as well.

Anyway, I have had no regrets since and not one person has said I was wrong. It was right for me despite revising to the sleeve this year (don't be tempted to have a band - that's another issue). I have lost just over 112lbs in 2 years - see my photos- and I feel great, absolutely brilliant. AS well as my health being improved, so is my confidence. I was obese for years (it piled on slowly and gradually) and just could not conquer it whatever I did - Atkins, WW, pills, you name it.

I don't really know what you can say to your husband to convince him as there are a lot of people out there who claim it is the 'easy' option. It's not, it's major surgery, but you have to work out the pros and cons. Despite my band eventually failing it was money well spent. Luckily the NHS in the UK agreed to fund my revision surgery so I didn't have to pay out again but I needed the permanence of the sleeve as it was a sure-thing that I would gain all my weight back without it. I am a food addict and always will be.

Good luck in making your decision and hopefully you can win your hubby over!

Helen xxx

[Jane_J 117]

I don't think I would put up with that level of indifference and nastiness from my husband. Get the surgery, lose the weight and then find someone nicer is my advice.

[iluvthesun 2]

Thanks Helen.

I'm happy to hear that your revision to sleeve surgery went well - you are doing great! Thanks also for the encouragement that eventually your family did come around to the idea. Because it could be such a long wait I haven't mentioned it to anyone but my husband yet (and of course the wonderful people here - thank heavens for this outlet). I'm not sure if I would get the same response from them or not....so I think I'll wait!

PS - I would like to lose 128 pounds.

Nancy

[jsm 1]

If we could loose weight ourselves, and keep it off, we wouldn't need surgery. WLS is not a gimmick! For most of us, it's the last hope we have after trying everything else out there.

Stick to your guns Nancy! You have selected a tool that will finally help you to be successful!

If your hubby won't support you, find a trusted friend who will support you through your journey.

Best of Luck,

JoAnne

[iluvthesun 2]

Thanks so much Joanne. I hope he will come around. If not - I will try a friend or one of my sisters.

Nancy

[Malaika 50]

Is your husband overweight? Has he ever had to lose 128 lbs.? Has he succeeded? Has he kept it off?

In my honest opinion, it is your body and your health and if he won't support you, then I would proceed forward without him. I would quit talking to him about it and do what you need to do for YOU.

Then after you have the sleeve, you can prove him wrong and show him that this is the tool you needed to be successful in your weight loss.

Good luck!

[iluvthesun 2]

Hi VegasAngel,

Thanks for responding. Belated congrats for becoming a super moderater. You are always so good to respond to people and offer support.

My husband was skinny until probably 10 years ago. Then he started to gain some weight (maybe an extra 20 - 30 pounds). He has lost & found those pounds several times....they are currently found. He bikes to work, rollerblades, plays softball, hockey, goes to the gym and for long walks - but he still has them.

I think I'll take him to the grocery store and ask him to carry around a couple of 50 pound bags of potatoes - just to see how easy it is to get active when you are so heavy.....

Maybe this is more about him - he should be able to do it......so I can do it. But obviously not exactly the same thing. An extra 30 pounds on 5'10" is spread out more than an extra 130 on 5'2".

I agree this is too important for me to let go - just would be easier.....but then who ever said life was easy??

Nancy

[*susan* 1,709]

When I was first looking into WLS and getting the band, my husband was dead set against it. Not because he thought he I was taking the easy way out or because he thought I could do it on my own, but because he was actually afraid something bad would happen to me. I asked him if he would go to a seminar with me and listen with an open mind. He did, and to my surprise, he asked a lot of questions. He spoke with other people who were considering the surgery and listened to their struggles. He asked the surgeon a lot of questions. By the time we left there, he had a much better understanding of what I was going through and the actual surgery itself. From that point on, he supported me 100%.

Do you think it would help your husband if he were to talk to a surgeon about the surgery, or possibly sign up and gain some insight from some of us about how difficult it is to lose weight. It is an addiction, just like smoking or drinking. The difference is, we can't just quit eating, so that makes it that much more difficult.

Regardless, you need to do what is best for you. But, it will be so much easier if your husband is supportive of you through the process.

[thinoneday 445]

Well a couple of months ago my Dr. suggested sleeve surgery and sent the referral to Nova Scotia. I mentioned it to my husband and his answer - I would prefer you do it on your own......but there is lots of time to think about it until we hear something from the Dr.

So I have been busy reading, reading, researching on-line and love the idea of the surgery. I found out that the surgeon in NS has a 5 - 7 year wait, but it isn't a list, it is based on need.

Mid August - good news, the Province has agreed to pay for the out of Province surgery.......

As suggested by one of the Ontario people, I called the Provincial Coordinator to see if they pay for surgery in Cleveland since OHIP pays for it (they only waited 8 weeks for surgery). She said normally it is only for emergency procedures, not obesity. She asked if I knew the cost and again based on the info. from one of the Ontario people (thank you for sharing the info!) I said $34,000. She couldn't say for sure the cost of surgery in NS - but thought it was quite a bit cheaper.....so she didn't think it likely but said do the research & send it in for the medical director to review.

So I'm thinking, okay - possibly 3 options: wait for NS, self pay to Mexico, maybe maybe come up with enough arguments to go to Cleveland...

So I thought to myself - I should mention all this to my husband. His answer - you know I prefer you do it yourself......you aren't going to Mexico for surgery, "I won't allow it". Now you don't know me, but I'm not the shy retiring type so I started to laugh. He didn't think it was funny and said if I went I would find the door with a different lock and divorce papers. Then I suggested the US....hmmm it appears that it really isn't Mexico that is the problem - seems it is a money thing. I have a good job (I have been blessed in this and in many other ways), and my Mom recently gave me $5,000. My parents don't believe in leaving an inheritance, they want to share what they have now.

When I reminded him of this, he moved onto his next argument - well the last time you wasted all that money at Herbal Magic taking those pills and you didnt' even try. EXCUSE ME?? Yes I took pills, yes it cost a lot and yes I gained it back - but I did try. I ate properly and exercised (I guess he missed that at the time). Plus he knows someone who had bariatric surgery and they gained it all back........ He doesn't think I should take the "easy" way out, but should do this on my own.

I did explain that once you have the VSG you still need to "do it on your own" - eat properly, exercise, etc. - but that the tool won't allow me to eat the same quantities of the bad stuff like I did before. Yes I told him if I ate a bunch of ice cream and stuff I would gain weight.

So....that is my story. He is stubborn & I am stubborn. He says - just wait for NS until you talk to the Dr. I say - I don't want to wait that long....

Hopefully this is like other times where he stews over it for a while and then becomes more reasonable.

I'd appreciate any tips you can give on how to convince him (I asked would he do some research - nope.....he would just like to keep his head in the sand and I hope I forget).

Thanks for hanging in there long enough to read all this.

Nancy

Well bless his crazy heart! Hi I'm an ex-Canadian now living in the US who has a really stubborn hubbie right along with me! It took me 1 1/2 years just to try to convince the dude to come to a seminar. . . and that was for the least invasive one (lap band) but he agreed to come with me this past september and after the seminar he told me something that nearly made me fall off my chair. . . after the seminar I asked him what he thought? he stated . . . "well, I really don't want you to have the lapband at all". . . I was so crushed, I was going to yell WHY, but decided to be quiet instead, I just got into my car and looked at him and very quietly asked why not? He said "because I think the sleeve is the better option, I'll totally support you with this but not until January ok?" My first reaction was to yell NO I WANT IT NOW!!!!! but i was grinning from ear to ear and just said ok that was a good plan. . . thinking about that long wait I realized that would give me enough time to get everything in order. . secure the money (self pay, $19,000, he won't let me go to Mexico either!) get enough information on the procedure and so on, so til then I'll just be happy with hubbie and wait til January. . cause I'm self pay my doctor has told me it'll be no problem to get me in when I want. . . so that makes me really happy!!!

[Malaika 50]

Nancy -

I agree it would be so much easier with hubby's support -- and perhaps the idea of having him carry around an extra 130 lbs. for a while will help to convince him that 130 is not 30 ... let him know you are dead set on having this surgery with or without his support; but you'd much rather have his support. Keep working on him, perhaps something you say will change his mind. I will say prayers for you! Keep us posted.

[DownInSocal 12]

So I thought to myself - I should mention all this to my husband. His answer - you know I prefer you do it yourself......you aren't going to Mexico for surgery, "I won't allow it". Now you don't know me, but I'm not the shy retiring type so I started to laugh. He didn't think it was funny and said if I went I would find the door with a different lock and divorce papers. Then I suggested the US....hmmm it appears that it really isn't Mexico that is the problem - seems it is a money thing. I have a good job (I have been blessed in this and in many other ways), and my Mom recently gave me $5,000. My parents don't believe in leaving an inheritance, they want to share what they have now.

Uhh. WHAT? I am going to be really blunt here.

Your husband is completely out of line. I left an abusive relationship 5 years ago. I think there are a lot of issues in your marriage that you may not even be aware of.

NO ONE has the right to control and manipulate you. He tells you he won't allow it? Excuse me? You are an adult woman and have a right to make your own healthcare decisions. His JOB as your husband is to support you in your decisions. NOT treat you like a child. You will come home to find divorce papers? FINE would be my answer.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Get your surgery. Stop taking his crap. You are worth more than that. I would bet there is more emotional and verbal abuse going on here that maybe you don't want to face right now. You certainly don't have to air your laundry here on the board if you don't want to.

I have been there. I know. You can pm me if you want or don't. I have been thinking about you since I first read your post. Angry at him. Worried about the abuse you are taking. You take back your life girl. You are worth it.

[Jane_J 117]

Hi DownInSocal,

I have had an abusive relationship in the past and thats why I wrote my blunt earlier reply. I agree with what you have said. The divorce papers and the changed locks comment set me off. I too would have said FINE. My DH would never threaten me like that. But my previous B/F would have been right at home with that sort of attitude. Really life is too short to waste it with someone who doesn't value you IMHO. Both parties could find someone more suitable and then everyone would be happier. I worry that ilovethesun has a BMI of 50. That is seriously life threatening. Her husband should be helping her to solve her health crisis, not sniping from the sidelines. Women tend to take too much cr*p cos they tend to be nicer. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. Thats my rant done.

[thinoneday 445]

Thanks Helen.

I'm happy to hear that your revision to sleeve surgery went well - you are doing great! Thanks also for the encouragement that eventually your family did come around to the idea. Because it could be such a long wait I haven't mentioned it to anyone but my husband yet (and of course the wonderful people here - thank heavens for this outlet). I'm not sure if I would get the same response from them or not....so I think I'll wait!

PS - I would like to lose 128 pounds.

Nancy

I'm glad you're going to wait. . . the wait may be all worth it in the end. There is a reason for everything, we never know where our path in life will bring us. . .these things happen cause they are supposed to happen. . . can you imagine if you crossed faith and didn't wait? Something might go wrong. . . who knows your stuff may get through really fast and by some miracle you'll get it before you know. . . keep you chin up, it'll be here before you know it. . .hubbie might be acting out like this cause of sheer fear. . . a fear of losing you during surgery (needs to go to a seminar with you and hear it himself) a fear of losing you after you lose the weight (he's really comfy with you now, he knows your going to be there. . he may be having security issues) men are weird, they keep everything inside and when they see a little threat, they go snakey and odd. . . you'll be fine, everything will be fine :thumbup:

Edited October 7, 2009 by thinoneday

[Ruthi 60]

LOL it amazes me what we will allow from people whom we love and feel love us in return. I have to agree with the other women on here that post that they would not allow that crap from their husbands but then, I am divorced twice and needless to say I DIDNT TAKE THEIR CRAP. Easier said than done, right? Going against a spouse is very difficult especially if its something you rarely do. On the serious side here, try to find out what his real objection with WLS or even Mexico for surgery if its a money issue. He is your husband and I am sure you know how to handle him by now. Once you discover the real issue (seems he hasrationalized his reasons to all of your avenues) then you can begin to break him down a bit. Bottom line, I would call his bluff. Have the surgery, I doubt there are locks and divorce papers when you return. I think he is just pushing his extra 30 lbs around to see if you crumble. Dont give up. Now on a second thought...... I wonder how many of the husbands that were originally against WLS for their wives as yours is now have a different outlook now that they have lost alot of weight and are hot mommas?

Edited October 7, 2009 by Ruthi