Jokes Thread

[Telly 4]

Omg, Big Paul That Was Toooo Funny. I'm In Tears Here!

[Wheetsin 714]

Blond joke:

Three blonds die but before they can pass through the pearly gates they're told they must be able to explain the true meaning of easter. The first blond explains, "Easter is when the fat guy dresses up in a red suit, gets stuck in the chimney, and throws presents around." The second blond explains, "No no, easter is when the big bunny hops around to all the houses and leaves candy for the kids!" The third blond explains, "No no, Jesus was eating at the last supper, and he was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans crucified him and sealed him in a cave closed with a big boulder." Everyone nodded, pleased with her explanation, so she continued - "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

Adult (sex):

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

Adult #2:

<TABLE width=450 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"><META content="Microsoft FrontPage 4.0" name=GENERATOR><META content=FrontPage.Editor.Document name=ProgId>A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Nasty joke (it really is nasty):

What's the difference between a venereal disease and a killer midget? One of them is a cunning runt.

[Wheetsin 714]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but they have to be kind of small.

[Telly 4]

Really gross sick joke here therefore you may get offended. If you don't care to read sick jokes, please move on to the next joke:

What does a grave digger and a necrophilliac have in common?

They both dig holes.

[Wheetsin 714]

Why can't blonds work at the M&M factory?

They throw away all the "W's".

Why don't blonds eat M&M's?

It takes too long to peel them.

How do you keep a blond busy?

Put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner.

How do you make a blond commit suicide?

Put a scratch n' sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

What do a blond and a turtle have in common?

Once you get them on their back, they're screwed.

[Telly 4]

ROFL WHEETSIN! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL. I can't stop laughing. The 3 blondes at the gates joke and the Sex Doc joke. Hysterical.

[Wheetsin 714]

Sexist jokes (don't read if you can't take them as jokes)

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It needs to be open by the time the b!tch gets to the couch.

Why did the woman cross the street?

Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen?

Wanna hear a joke?

Women's rights.

Why do women wear white?

So they match the rest of the appliances.

[Wheetsin 714]

Star-Trek joke... (I"m not a fan, this is DH's joke)

I am Dyslexia of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.

[Wheetsin 714]

Yo Mama jokes (I love these things)

Yo mama is so nasty, I called her for phone sex and got an ear infection.

Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama is so fat, she sat on the rainbow and Skittles fell out.

Yo mama so ugly that when she sits on the beach, the cats try to bury her.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama so greasy she uses bacon for a band-aid.

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rug burn when you were born.

Yo mama so short you can see her feet in her driver's license picture.

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies.

Yo mama so nasty she makes Right Guard turn left.

Yo mama so nasty she makes Speed Stick slow down.

[divaliciousdee 0]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide. The pharmacist inquires why she needs the cyanide, she replies so I can kill my husband. The pharmacist is in awe and says," that is against the law, I cannot give you that." Just then the woman hands him a photo of her husband and the pharmacist's wife having sex, he took one look at the photo and said oh I'm sorry I didn't know you had a prescription... LOL

[Telly 4]

bumping this as it needs more and more

[Tricia K. 0]

These jokes are hilarious!!!

Here's a cute one told to me by my 8 year old step-son.

What did the rapper say to the weiner?

'Sup dog?

[wavydaby 1]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[Wheetsin 714]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Stupid guys, duck next time.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodle...

A dog hobbles into town on three legs. "Can I help you?" asks the sheriff. "No," says the gimpy dog, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[HeatherGurl 0]

A woman goes into her doctor's office.

"Doc, those hormone pills you gave me are too strong."

The doc says,

"How do you know?"

She replies,

"I'm growing hair on my chest."

He asks,

"How far down does it grow?"

She says,

"Down to my DICK."

Oh crap... that is hilarious!