Jokes Thread

[HeatherGurl 0]

These are great! I love Wheetsin's jokes!!!!

[Wheetsin 714]

A wife has been telling her husband for 20 years that if he didn't stop farting, he'd end up blowing his guts out of his bum. He never believed her. One Thanksgiving morning, while starting to dress the turkey, she had an idea. She took the bag of turkey guts, went upstairs to the bedroom where her husband was still sleeping, and - holding back the giggles - spread the turkey guts around his bottomside. Then she headed downstairs to wait for him to wake up.

About 15 minutes later she heard his alarm go off, followed by silence. A few minutes passed, then she heard the coldest, most blood curdling scream imagineable, followed by frantic footsteps to the bathroom and the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut. She couldn't hold back the giggles, and was quite pleased with the prank she had just pulled off - "That ought to show him!" she thought to herself.

About 10 minutes later her husband came walking down the stairs, as white as a ghost, and with a slight limp. "What's wrong dear?" she asked, trying to hold back her laughter. "Well," replied her husband, "you were right. You always told me I'd fart my guts out, and sure enough - it happened. But with the grace of god, a little Vaseline, and these two fingers, I got them back in."

[Telly 4]

I wish Big Pauls jokes were reposted... (sighs)

[HeatherGurl 0]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there

was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her

biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,

"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[HeatherGurl 0]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her

hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her

forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[Telly 4]

(cackles) too cute!

[HeatherGurl 0]

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight ! years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The bloke says, 'This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff."

[fishy 0]

Funny stuff folks! I have the worst memory for jokes, here's the only one I ever remember:

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[wavydaby 1]

News just in: In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President George W Bush has just bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.

[Wheetsin 714]

This is one of those jokes where you tell it and people either laugh or stab you in the face. I laughed hysterically for about 20 minutes, but since you can't stab me in the face, here we go...

A little kid loved clowns, but since he lived so far out in the country he never had the chance to go to see them, so he just tried to surround himself by clowns as best as he could: clown sheets, posters, costumes, figuringes - anything clowns, because he loved them so much. Then, one day, he saw a flyer - a circus was coming to town! That meant he could see clowns in person! So he worked, and worked, and worked all summer long to save up enough money to buy a ticket to the circus, and he finally earned enough money just as the circus was coming to town.

He bought his ticket and felt like he was going to explode if he didn't get to see the clowns soon. Everynight he marked another day off of his clown calendar, until finally - it was the day of the circus! The little boy was so excited that he got there several hours before the circus opened so he could get the best seat and finally see the clowns. As soon as they opened the gates he rushed into the tent and grabbed the first seat in the very middle of the ring.

The tent slowly filled, and the little boy could hardly contain his excitement. Oh, look at the lions... yeah yeah, he wanted the clowns. Oh, the elphants, yeah yeah... then - finally - the lights dimmed and a little tiny car came driving into the middle of the ring and 15 clowns jumped out. The boy stood up and applauded until the people behind him told him to sit down. One of the clowns took out a large scroll and began to read it to the audience:

"Welcome, ladies and gentleman. We have a special treat for one very special person in the audience tonight. We've put all of your ticket stubs into this bowl, and we'll draw one lucky name to be our special guest!" The clown motioned for another clown to draw a ticket stub from the bowl, and the little boy could hardly stand it. He closed his eyes and just kept repeating, over and over, "please let it be me, please let it be me..." The clown finally called a ticket stub and - YES! It was the little boy's ticket number!

The little boy ran as fast as he could into the middle of the ring. He was so terribly excited to not only see the clowns, but now be their special guest of honor. He looked up at the clown with the wonderment that only a child looking at his hero can have, and the clown said, "Well everyone, here's the horse's ass -- where's the head?" as he pointed at the little boy. The crowd erupted in laughter, pointing at the little boy, laughing at him, and even throwing their popcorn at him. He was crushed. All he could do was stand there, watching the clowns & everyone in the audience laughing at him, and start to cry...

That night he threw away his clown sheets, ripped up his clown posters, smashed all of his clown figurines, and swore that NEVER EVER AGAIN would he be the butt of a joke again. He spent the rest of the summer at the library, reading all kinds of comeback and insult jokes, and eventually he got so good at comebacks that the town started to call him "The Comeback Kid." They would feature him at local plays, and sometimes in the bars - and would hold contests to see who could out-insult the Comeback Kid, no one ever could. He came back with the best insult ever each and every time.

A few years later he was walking down the road and happened to look up and saw a flyer - the circus was coming back in town. He yanked the fluer down and looked at it, while I plan began to brew in the back of his mind... All night long he concocted his plan: he was going to the circus, and he was going to get those clowns back!

He bought his ticket and waited, and waited, and waited, and finally it was the day of the circus. He didn't ahve to get there early to be first in line this time though, the entire town know he was going, and they all waited and let him have his pick of the seat. They knew what was going to happen, and couldn't wait to see the Comeback Kid get the best of the clowns.

So the circus started, and the lions came out, and the elephants, and the trapeeze flyers, and finally - finally - the lights dimmed and the little car full of clowns came driving out. The head clown pulled out his scroll, and read, "We have a special treat for someone in the audience tonight." They read the ticket stub number, and the Comeback Kid stood up and said, "That's me!" It really wasn't him, but the town knew he had to redeem himself, so they had all agreed ahead of time that whomever's ticket was drawn would stay quiet so the Comeback Kid could go up.

The Kid went up and stood there with a slight smirk on his face. He waited for the clown to go through his little speech, and when the clown said, "Here's the horse's ass, where's the head?", instead of laughing and pointing, the audience fell to complete silence... and instead of crying the Comeback Kid just stood there, a light smirk on his face, nodding ever so slightly. The Kid looked around at the audience, poised on the edge of their seats waiting to her what the kid had to say. Finally the Kid looked back at the clown, took a step toward him and said, "Oh yeah clown? Well fuck you."

[fishy 0]

LMMFAO!! Best one yet!! Thanks Wheetsin, you just made my day!

[karenj 0]

3 men and woman are sitting at a bar.

1st guy says " hey ya'll, I am a RUB, rich urban biker"

2nd guys says" so what, i am a DINK, dual income, no kids"

3rd guys says "bid deal, i am a YUPI, Young urban professional"

They look at the woman and ask what she is.... She thinks under pressure and says

"I am a WIFE, wash, Iron, fuck, etc"

Me too!

[nursekathy2u 0]

Somewhere out there is the worst doctor in the world, and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

[Telly 4]

This was not a joke, this was a real story from a newspaper

[the best me 6]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking

around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."