Jokes Thread

[I8everything 0]

I'm peeing on myself! This is hilarious and the best thread i've read in a week!

[Telly 4]

Rofl Rofl Rofl! Sick But Funny As Hell!

[Wheetsin 714]

Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A: The pilot, you stupid racist.

[Wheetsin 714]

A man walks into a bar with a flamingo and a cat. The guy says, "I'll take a beer." The flamingo says, "I'll take a beer." The cat says, "I'll take a beer. And I'm sure as hell not paying." They drink their drinks and leave. The next day the same trio walks into the same bar. The guy says, "I'll have a rum & Coke." The flamingo says, "I'll have a rum and Coke." The cat says, "I'll have a rum & Coke. And I'm sure as hell not paying!" The bartender asks the guy - "For two days now you come in here with your flamingo, and your cat... what's the story?" The guy replies, "I ran into a genie who granted me a wish." "What'd you wish for?" asks the bartender. The guy replies, "A chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

A guy is impressed by the midget playing piano in a bar, and asks the owner where he found him. The owner tells him there's a genie in the alley behind the bar who grants one wish to anyone who frees him. The guy doesn't believe him but has to pee, the bathrooms are full, so he goes in the alley to relieve himself and trips on a bottle. A genie comes out of the bottle and tells the guy he can have one wish for freeing him. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" The guy hears a deafening noise above and looks up to see a million ducks flying across the sky. "No! I said a million bucks!" His hopes smashed, the guy walks back into the bar and tells the owner what happened. The owner replies, "Do you really think I'd wish for a 12 inch pianist?"

Two guys are getting dressed in the gym. The first guy bends over and the second guy notices he has a cork shived up his butt. "Hery - dude, what's that cork for?" "Well, I was walking down a beach the other day, tripped and fell over a bottle. A genie came out of it and said he wanted to grant me a wish, and I asked him, "No shit?"

[Wheetsin 714]

A man sitting in a bar orders his 10th shot of tequila. The bartender, amazed, asks him, "Wow, I've never seen a man drink like that...what're you celebrating?" The man replies, "Well...indeed this is a cause for celebration. I just gave oral sex to a woman for the first time in my life tonight." "Damn...you're right that's cause for celebration, let me buy you a shot, on the house!" The man accepts and immediately downs the shot of tequila. "As a matter of fact," states the bartender, "Since that's such a fine reason to Celebrate, let me buy you a 12th..." "No thanks," replies the man. "If 11 shots can't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 can't..."

[Wheetsin 714]

30 things you don't say to a naked man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's sooooo cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around It.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we Water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. Nevermind

[sallyjo 0]

A midget went to the doctor and said doc my balls are getting blisters and hurts like hell when I walk. The doc picks him up and stands him on the table and says oh I see the problem and gets his snippers and the little midgets hears snip,snip,snip. The doc says okay that should fix you up now jump down and walk around for me. The midget says hum does'nt hurt any more but doc I heard the snips but did'nt feel anything. The doc says I know I just trimmed a little off the top of your boots.:eek: :heh:

[sallyjo 0]

This preacher had informed his members that he was leaving their church because he just was'nt making enough money. It really upset them so the owner of the local Toyota dealership jumped up and said please don't leave I will give you a brand new car. One of the wealthier men said I will pay your salary for a year. An old woman stood up and said I will furnish you sex. Everyone just gasped. After the service was over some elders walked over to her and said mam what ever possessed you to say you would furnish the preacher with sex. She said well I ask my husband what we should do and he said screw the preacher:omg:

[sallyjo 0]

One Sunday afternoon this old man and woman decided to make some homemade ice cream with an old hand turn maker. The old woman decided to go sit on the front porch. After a while she hollered to the old man and said Pa is it hard yet? He said about as hard as my old pecker. She said then pour me a cup of it.:eek:

[nolagirl2 0]

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[shoresexy 0]

I had to join in!

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!<O:p</O:p

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to

work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the

dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." <O:p></O:p>

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,

whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I

REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" <O:p></O:p>

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he

discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had

said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. <O:p></O:p>

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant

yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain

himself any longer and yelled, <O:p></O:p>

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" <O:p></O:p>

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" <O:p></O:p>

[I8everything 0]

Needed the crack up. Thanks!

[A1ikou 0]

God calls Adam and Eve to him in the Garden of Eden.

"My children I have two more gifts to bestow..but who to give them to?"

"What are they?" asks Eve

"One is a dangily attachment so you can relieve youself standing up..."

Immediately Adam starts jumping up and down...."OOOOH give it to me, sounds cool...I want that one!"

Eve nods her head and so God attaches the dangily bit to Adams body and he happily spends the rest of the day watering the flowers in the garden!

"And the other?" says Eve

"It's called a brain..."

[Telly 4]

Rofl! Too Cute.

[Telly 4]

Some of these are really funny b/c I printed them out and let my husband read them, (he never laughs unless it's really really dirty or funny) and he read alot of Wheetsin's and BigPauls jokes and he giggled, so you know that it was really funny.