The Honeymoon Phase

[PhotoNut 7]

I have seen many posts in which people who have had the band a long period of time tell bandsters who are doing well and trying to encourage others that they are just in a "honeymoon phase" and once that goes away the successful bandster will lose their motivation and get tangled up in struggles which will leave them less naive about the real nitty-gritty of being banded. (Paraphrased - not quoted) These comments are always directed at those who are working hard at making the best of their lap band experience and are trying to encourage others to do the same.

This topic has worked and worked on my mind since the first time it was directed at me. I've been called a know-it-all. I've been accused of being judgmental. It's even been suggested that I haven't been banded long enough to have the right to give advice to others. But the comments that have stuck out in my mind as the cruelest are the ones that imply that, given time, I'm going to fail. And to me, the "honeymoon phase" comment does just that. It says, "Sure, you're doing well now. You're pumped up because you're succeeding with your band. But you just wait. That's going to stop soon and once you start going through the hard times, you'll see. You'll see."

<O:p

I have to ask, how is that helpful or encouraging to anyone? Why is it even necessary to make such a statement at someone who is doing things right and sharing their success as encouragement to others? What is the point? The only conclusions I can draw in response to those questions are both sad and troublesome.

I would like to say to all of the people waiting, praying, hoping for a lap band... and to all the people who have just gotten the band... and to all of the people who have been banded less than a year... Do not let these kinds of comments shake your hope of changing your future.

Those of us who have been in a few relationships are aware of that beginning stage of the relationship when emotions are high and we are giddy with new love. We are also aware that this is just a stage of building a relationship. Though it may not always be like this, a successful relationship will advance to deeper levels and grow stronger. Sadly, there are many people out there who think that "love has died" when this stage of the relationship is over. They are disappointed when they no longer feel that "high" of new love, and believing that it must not have been real love, they give up.

<O:p

Yes, it is very exciting when we finally see our dream come true. "I am banded!" Yes, it is thrilling to see the initial burst of rapid weight loss after surgery. "This is really going to work!" Yes, we do find ourselves wrapped up in thoughts of nutrition, exercise, bandster habits.. portions.. rules, etc. And yes, all of the newness does level out over a period of time. BUT! and this is a very big BUT! Just because the newness wears off, it does not mean the band is going to stop working. Nor does it mean that we are all going to give up and go back to making poor choices. This is NOT something that is inevitable. This is merely something that is being said by those who have slipped into old habits and found themselves frustrated. And, rather than pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and taking the sound advice of those who are achieving wonderful success with their bands, they choose to be negative... claiming that the only reason this person is having any success is because they are in the "honeymoon phase" and that eventually they will fail too.<O:p

<O:p

I don't know about the rest of you, but I got my band to help me overcome a lifetime of bad habits, emotional addictions, and self serving attitudes. This band will only help me restrict quantities. It will not instantly change my bad habits, rid me of emotional addictions, or change my self serving attitudes. That is up to me, and NOW is the time to take on those things in myself... while I have this little marvel inside of me, saving me from eating myself to death. This is why people like Big Paul grab us by the shoulders and shake us hard, telling us to take advantage of this time and take care of our WHOLE SELVES. For if we don't, we may end up feeling disappointed when we realize that we haven't grown, we haven't learned, we haven't changed a damn thing. We are still faced with the same self-defeating problems that brought us in search of a solution in the first place. And some may label this as the end of the "honeymoon phase".

I hope this is making sense to someone out there who needed to hear it. If not, thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent about it, because it's been eating at me for some time now.

<O:p

I sincerely pray that each of us will find the ability to see truth, the willingness to embrace it, and the courage to let it change us.

[Mvpo8961 1]

Excellent. Wisdom and success are achieved at varying levels. Our individual journey with the band is a dynamic ongoing learning experience that has merit for those willing to listen. M

[stefunny 0]

Thank you sooooo much for that post! It's like you read my mind... today I was having second thoughts after reading a few negative posts (on the Big Paul sticky). You've given me a renewed excitement for my surgery date of June 16th!

[Xann77 0]

awesome post. really.

[Stitchy 0]

P'Nut

Thank you for such a thoughtful post. I for one truly appreciate it.

[Marimaru 7]

Susan,

I don't necessarily disagree with anything you say, but I also think that sometimes the tone of the 'older' bandsters can be taken a little wrong. I feel a little inbetween. I'm not 3 years out and maintaining or trying to lose the last 10 lbs, nor am I right at the beginning when the first bunch of weight falls off. I have been guilty of whining when I'm not losing AND when I'm not exersizing. But at the same time, I don't think that the older bandsters are ever trying to tell anyone that they are going to fail. I think the biggest point (that I see) is that yes, it's good to always make good choices, and never eat the bad stuff, and work the band as hard as you can, but at the same time, do something that you have the power to do for the rest of your life. I do not have the personal strength to never have ice cream again, or never have fast food again. I DO have the power to have those things less, or have nonfat ice cream, or salad from a fast food chain, etc. I can live with "moderation" for the long run with the help of my band, but I can't live with "never".

Now I think I'm rambling. I hope this makes sense, and I'm not trying to argue with anyone, so much as try and help clarify MY take on what people've been saying.

[Jachut 487]

Couldnt agree more.

[Nykee 13]

Looks like you lost 68 pounds in 4 months, so I think you have the right to say a few things.. lol

I DO think there is a honeymoon period, and I was told so.. But never in a bad way.. just as an explanation for all the changes I was going through that made no sense at all..

Everyone is different. thats what I am trying to keep in mind.

I surely am different.

[the best me 6]

Susan,

I don't necessarily disagree with anything you say, but I also think that sometimes the tone of the 'older' bandsters can be taken a little wrong. I feel a little inbetween. I'm not 3 years out and maintaining or trying to lose the last 10 lbs, nor am I right at the beginning when the first bunch of weight falls off. I have been guilty of whining when I'm not losing AND when I'm not exersizing. But at the same time, I don't think that the older bandsters are ever trying to tell anyone that they are going to fail. I think the biggest point (that I see) is that yes, it's good to always make good choices, and never eat the bad stuff, and work the band as hard as you can, but at the same time, do something that you have the power to do for the rest of your life. I do not have the personal strength to never have ice cream again, or never have fast food again. I DO have the power to have those things less, or have nonfat ice cream, or salad from a fast food chain, etc. I can live with "moderation" for the long run with the help of my band, but I can't live with "never".

Now I think I'm rambling. I hope this makes sense, and I'm not trying to argue with anyone, so much as try and help clarify MY take on what people've been saying.

I am almost EXACTLY from this camp. Well said on my behalf, Sarah. I'm almost 14 months out...kind of in between (I feel like I am, anyway) I suppose I feel as though my "honeymoon phase" is in the process of ending. It isn't over, I don't feel jaded or discouraged (not that I have to be to "qualify") , nor do I want others to be, but I do understand that I don't have the same excitement I had in the beginning. I still have the same hope, though. Knowing I have my band gives me the reassurance that I will be able to get the next 15-30 pounds off.

Maybe the difference is that, I read the "well, just wait until you are more than 2 years (or whatever) out and see how reality sets in." as a true picture of reality. It IS a different reality than the first year! Nothing like a bandster with a bit of expeience under his/her belt.

So I'm close enough to newbie stage that I can feed off the excitement and fury of all you freshly banded, high energy, "I can do it" folks (that'd be you, P'nut, among others) and really get motivated. And excited again. And ENCOURAGED!!!! You hear that? YOU encourage ME! more than I ever will be able to encourage you. Until that time comes and the honeymoon phase is over, and it's way over for me, and we are bumping along on our banded journeys together, fighting the never-ending fight, because it really IS more than about the number on the scale, or the Goal weight.

I'm with Sarah on the "I can't live with "never". If this is really about the long haul (and it is) then propulsion WILL wane a bit. Laws of Physics. Okay, it's getting bad when I start getting scientific, but you get the point, any of you who have read this far!

P'nut (and others), I went to 6 Al-Anon meetings back in my 20's and I learned 2 very helpful things. First was, lose the drunk boyfriend. I did. Second was the mantra "take what you want and leave the rest". I use that daily here on LBT. What I have to say doesn't speak to everyone, but if one person learns from me, it was worth saying. Not everyone else here is the same as me, but it doesn't mean there is NOTHING for me to learn. Even if it doesn't fit exactly, I can usually find a gem of something for me to get some fuel from. Sometimes, I find a post that brings me waaaay down, so I set it aside and move on. I "leave the rest" of that something that had nothing I wanted to take!

Easier said than done sometimes. I HAVE had my feelings hurt and been discouraged on this board before. It's a huge community of different people. But I understand how you feel. So if my words help you, feed off of them! If not, read on. It's okay.

I really like this thread!

[S@ssen@ch 745]

P'nut,

I must have missed the posts where there were comments implying you were a "know-it-all" :omg:

I think we all have our own knowledge and experience to add and if people are coming to the boards for information and advice, if we can, we should give our humble opinion, experience and any knowledge that we've picked up along the way.

As for the "honeymoon phase", I agree to a certain extent that after we have been banded a while the enthusiasm does wear off a bit. Yes, the term "honeymoon phase" can be rather derogatory and can imply that after a while we may become more non-chalant. That doesn't necessarily mean we struggle or lose our focus. I know for me, I was really "gung-ho" in the beginning.....especially the first maybe 4 or 5 months. That kind of wore off a bit and my focus changed for the next 6 months. For the last 3 months, I've had trouble finding my focus but now that I've gotten back on track I seem to have a new level and am more able to make better choices. I never forgot about the band. It was something I thought about every day, but as we develop our new and healthier eating habits it becomes a part of who we are and isn't a thing that we really have to think about so much.

[Alexandra 55]

Maybe the difference is that, I read the "well, just wait until you are more than 2 years (or whatever) out and see how reality sets in." as a true picture of reality. It IS a different reality than the first year! Nothing like a bandster with a bit of expeience under his/her belt.

So I'm close enough to newbie stage that I can feed off the excitement and fury of all you freshly banded, high energy, "I can do it" folks (that'd be you, P'nut, among others) and really get motivated. And excited again. And ENCOURAGED!!!! You hear that? YOU encourage ME! more than I ever will be able to encourage you. Until that time comes and the honeymoon phase is over, and it's way over for me, and we are bumping along on our banded journeys together, fighting the never-ending fight, because it really IS more than about the number on the scale, or the Goal weight.

I'm with Sarah on the "I can't live with "never". If this is really about the long haul (and it is) then propulsion WILL wane a bit. Laws of Physics. Okay, it's getting bad when I start getting scientific, but you get the point, any of you who have read this far!

Brilliantly said, Kathy! :clap2: I totally and completely agree with you and Sarah.

Let's not assume that anyone is trying to be discouraging, trying to send a message that the band will not work. It's just a fact that it's a journey, we're all in different places and we all have different perspectives that we can learn from. It's about sharing OUR experiences, not deciding those of other people. I don't think the phrase "honeymoon phase" says anything negative; it's just one stage of the journey.

[barbara465 2]

There is a lot of wisdom in these posts, and a lot of "heart". I come hear to get information, to better understand what lies ahead of me, and to try to get my head in the right place for the life-long journey ahead of me.

I have finally come to understand that food is an addiction, not unlike alcohol or drugs. Its not illegal to eat, but it is a sin to do what we have done to our bodies. I don't gorge, make myself throw up, or eat 2-3 hamburgers at a time. Yet, somehow I have lived my adult life overweight.

Through this board I have realized I'd better approach this as an alcoholic must do that wants to get sober. Alcohol, even a little bit, will send them back to the world of alcohol. Bad food, even a little bit, will lead me to failure. The agreement to overcome my food addiction has to last forever and I must make the right choices forever if I am to succeed.

Susan, I have looked for your posts for the last few months I have been on this board. You are so willing to help newcomers with good sound information. You are succeding in your struggle with weight. Don't stop being there for those of us that need your help.

My hope for me is that as time goes by food and food restriction won't be a daily thought. When I gave up smoking 20 years ago I did it cold turkey. It was rough, but over time it was just a way of life. I can't imagine smoking now. In fact, its something I can hardly tolerant in others. That isn't to say that sometimes something triggers a thought and I remember what it was like to enjoy a smoke. Hopefully, the band will help me with the food and that overtime I won't be thinking all the time what can I eat next.

We all come into this journey from different places, different mindsets, and even different histories. The one thing that we have in common is an addiction to food and the inability to keep our weight at a healthy level. Through this board, the use of the lapband as a tool, and our conviction that we will overcome this addiction, we all will be successful. It is a struggle we will have forever, but hopefully it will become easier over time.

Thank all of you for your wisdom, your willingness to share, and for your honesty. It helps to know that others have walked the road I'm about to take and have found the journey rewarding, even if painful at times.

[Mrs Sabre 1]

I like this post! I hope my "honeymoon" euphoria helps energize and motivate others!

[Wheetsin 714]

Keep in mind it's not just bandsters who do that, it's everywhere. I too have been involved in threads where the impression I get is, "You're too new to be able to have an opinion" (in general, not directed at any one person) but when you think about it - this is also the prevalent attitude of most messageboards, internet communities, and IRL communities. I see it at work, with school, in organizations I'm a member of... everyone who has had the experience "knows best" - for lack of a better word.

We start a new job and we're at the "ignorance on fire" stage, where we don't know what has to be done or how we fit into the picture, but dammit - we're going to do whatever it takes to get it done the best it has ever been done before.

The people who have worked there for 10 years find it amusing. The people who have been married 40 years find the recently engaged amusing. I find people talking about how hard they have to work on their undergrad classes amusing. The new guy who hasn't experienced "the busy season", the teenager with their first car... whatever. And feel free to substitute "amusing" with whatever word is appropriate for the situation... in the cases P'nut is talking about, disgruntled may fit, or jealous, or annoyed... whatever. I believe that at some point most people have looked at a "junior" and thought, "You really have no idea..." Now what they think after that thought is what makes or breaks the deal. You can try to help, or you can sit and laugh or scorn.

I have seen some sr. posters having an almost disgruntled attitude towards the more recently banded - and I'm not talking specifically about here so much as the online banded communities in general. I wondered if this had anything to do with the likelihood that the newly banded is experiencing the rapid, up-front weightloss while the more senior banded is likely experiencing more of a struggle to get the last few however many pounds off and has become a little jaded about their experience because of their struggles. In the instances I have seen, there does appear to be some resentment in the message. Again, this is not specific to or directed at LBT.

[shackdog 1]

You go Pnut, here is what I have to say,............................................................................and that is how I feel.