Eating disorder...or something else?

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Ok I need some :help:

Alittle background - my oldest daughter Amber is 19 (there's another post about her in lap band deaths) she has seen me struggle with my weight since she was little. I have never said anything about my weight in front of her so I didn't give her the wrong impression in hopes she would not yo-yo or be obsessive about her weight.

She has seen me exercise, diet and take Vitamins - diet pills and Vitamins but I call them vitamins Ive always made meals planned around healthy eating and even if my children have not liked something - they have a small portion of it on their plates.

Last year my oldest son (20) and daughter 19 moved out with their friends in an apartment. There was some things that went on that made them all have to move - so they moved back in our house in March 2006 until they can save again to move out YEA! lol j/k

This is the problem I need help with is this - when Amber moved out, she was around 150 pounds @ 5'8". When she came for Thanksgiving, she had lost 10-12 lbs, at Christmas about 20 lbs. Since moving back in, she has gone down to 125 pounds!!!!!

I watch her like a hawk; YES Im a pain in the butt mother, but I care about my children no matter what their age is ~~ that's my job :success1:

Would smoking pot or cigarettes do this? Drugs....eating disorder or something else Im missing? Binge/purge disorder...laxatives? I know it's not anorexia (which I suffered from at 17) I watch how much she eats and make sure she eats twice day.

Any clues what to watch for if it is drugs or an eating disorder? She does not believe she is too thin and thinks her arms are fat - they are only 1.5 in larger than our 5 year old!

This is her yesterday - I told her I wanted to take pictures and show her how much weight she had lost.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Jack, that relieves me BUT makes the mother in me very cautious about what else it might be.

Ive heard that pot gives you the muchies - I have no clue because I never even had a drink until I was 25. Maybe smoking cigarettes is causing the weightloss - and making her wonderfully scarred lungs (from chronic Asthma) even worse.

And I am very open with my children thats how I know what is going on, whether I like it or not - they are adults and I have to listen and then be there for their decisions about what they want to do; as long as it's not in my home.

I hope some of the advise I give about drugs and alcohol are stuck somewhere in their consciousness

[HeatherGurl 0]

I don't think she looks unhealthy at all... but I do not know what she looked like before either.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers... Maybe she is just going thru some stuff... and has lost some weight due to that.

I hope it is nothing.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Thanks Heather :success1: you're close to her age, do your parents worry about you like I worry about my older children?

She looks very unhealthy - remember pictures/video usually puts on 5-10 lbs.

My main concern is I know she was smoking pot - supposed to give you munchies - does that mean you gain weight smoking it but if she smokes cigarettes [sigh] to reduce appetite would she then lose? lol

What I am more concerned with is that she might be doing something else, drugs or whatever else and want to catch the signs of it if she is.

Anyone else 5'8" 125lbs? Maybe at that height/weight that is normal - but I know by drs standards that is way too thin.

I was so shocked when her measurements were not that much larger than our 5 year old! lol Maybe I have just been obese so long, that I can't imagine a 24" waist....

[Carlene 12]

Lisa...

Smoking pot will not make you lose weight. Smoking cigarettes will cause a decrease in appetitie, but it's not drastic and generally does not effect long-term smokers.

Pot, by itself, is fairly harmless. However, it is a gateway drug. I don't think I have ever known a druggie that didn't start out smoking pot.

What makes you lose massive amounts of weight are meth, cocaine, and heroin. I don't know what the "signs" are of early use of these, except that meth users have a lot of sores, boils, etc on their skin. They also appear highly agitated (nervous) and don't sleep for long periods. My neighbor is dealing with a meth-addicted son right now. She found some things that made her suspicious - glass pipes, etc.

Look up drug programs in your phone book and call some of them. Maybe they can give you better answers to your questions.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Carlene; I thought that about pot also being a gateway - and said that to her when I found out. I wanted to make sure as an adult that she knew what she was doing smoking pot - was it was just the first step [cringes]

I went over what we had went over when they were 11 & 12, 13 & 14 etc. Maybe I am just being way overprotective, but when you see signs as a parent it scares the heck out of you (or least it did us)

She went from a 4.0 gpa in 11th grade to hanging out with some wrong friends - we steered her in another direction and homeschooled her, got her a job and some after work activities. She matured and grew up some and last year found other "friends" with different habits - this time pot.

She graduated and got another job with better pay & benefits, again with different friends, some older which is where my fear lies. If she would do pot why wouldn't she do other stuff.

Maybe 25 pounds doesn't sound like alot, but 25 pounds on a normal weight person is ALOT.

She goes through bad mood swings, not just "monthly" ones, which was my first clue of something.

I can't say she doesn't sleep - when she is here, she sleeps well.

Luckily the only thing I have ever found were papers - which I talked to her about then.

Thanks for the info about your neighbors son - I'll go look up info on programs and see if I can find any info online.

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Honestly? I think she looks fine. She's not rail thin with bones poking out everywhere. She's got a bright smile and a sparkle in her eyes (not just from the flash, I mean she's present, she's there and full of life).

I think she's just a young woman and maybe is watching what she eats because all the girls around her are so small.

She grew up in the house with someone who was weight conscious so she is too. It's just life.

But I think she's fine. Pot doesn't tend to make you skinny, quite the opposite.

Just keep an eye on if she's eating. If she's really eating and not picking at it.

Overall, it looks to me like you raised a wonderful girl. Don't get too much into her shorts about stuff. Trust that you've done an amazing job with your kids and know that you can handle anything that comes along.

And if you are really truly concerned? Sit her down and have a talk. Communication is key.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Thanks Karen, and Yes I agree communication is very important in every relationship you have.

I tend to talk TOOOO much sometimes, when things bother me thats what I do though, I have to talk everything through and go over every option.

I am a very open, honest person even when it's about faults of mine - hence that I talk too much lol I have known everything my oldest children do because they TELL me! yikes, maybe I know too much? hehehe

We have had so many conversations about this, and she says mom I would never do anything else BUT she said she would never smoke also

While she is an adult, she is still a kid trying to grow up - I just want to make sure she is still here with me in 20 years and not just another victim of a bad decision.

Thanks again everyone - time to go get ready to leave. Im doing research when we get back this evening for my peace of mind.

[Wheetsin 714]

Seems like maybe you're jumping to the conclusion that she's on drugs or that this is caused by something negative? Lots o' things can lead to weightloss, including diet changes & exercise. She looks to me like most kids look nowadays, it's the "style" to be thin. She does not look unhealthy thin, gaunt, withdrawn, or anything else that would maybe tip me off to a disorder or dangerous condition. My first reaction is, "She just wanted to be thinner." You said:

There was some things that went on that made them all have to move - so they moved back in our house in March 2006 until they can save again to move out YEA!

So they HAD to move, and there was financial strain as a result of it. Maybe she was stressed and not eating? If they're having to save, maybe she opted to pay rent rather than eat? (That's not a disorder, it's something people in economic hardship do every day).

I didn't see when she moved out, just that the change was between then and when she moved back in in March. When did she move out?

Don't look to weightloss as a major sole indicator of drug use. How is her behavior? How is her mental state? How is she doing in school, assuming she's in college? If not in school, how is she before work? After? How is her presence? How is her affect? What are her friends/SO like?

Has she done anything to cause distrust in your relationship? Can you believe her when she tells you she is not taking drugs?

[Wheetsin 714]

Just read a response of yours that I had missed previously. One thing I'd note:

If she would do pot why wouldn't she do other stuff.

This statement is perhaps a little unfair to your daughter. It's kind of like saying, "If she'd slap someone, why wouldn't she also kill someone?"

With something like pot, and something like crack, you're comparing apples to oranges. They're both illegal, and they're both classified as drugs. They're also night and day. Pot can be a gateway, so can alcohol and a host of other "baddies", but in MOST cases it's all the farther people go, especially in people who can be considered mentally healthy. Gen X- and Y-ers see pot as the "safe" drug - the one that can't hurt you, and it's the "cool" drug -- relatively cheap, easy to get, you're probably not going to overdose on it, its effects don't last hours, etc. They see alcohol in a similar way.

I'm not trying to defend pot, or other drug use - not at all. I have no reason to, I never smoked pot. I was a clean kid, have never even been drunk, but I think every single friend of mine except 1 that I can think of did smoke it and/or drink. Around her age I had a very large group of friends, so we're talking 40 - 50 people that I saw regularly, at least 98% of whom smoked pot, and 0% of whom never did any other drugs.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Wheestin, you're too perceptive (edit: yes perceptive is the right word - you're good at picking up things not written) :yield:

Yes she has given me plenty of reasons not to trust her. I love her and think she has so much potential, so I will never give up and have to be the support system her dad is not.

I was trying to get some info without giving out all that she has done and to try and understand this girl turning into a woman who I think is pleading silently for help.

I just don't want to be a parent who misses something and her go off the deep end and never have her close to me again.

We had that happen with my oldest son's best friend. He got into the crowd they did and tried a couple of things he shouldn't have and died at age 17 last year.

This boy was part of our every day lives and we questioned things when he was here; and was lied to - he had horrible allergies and he told us it was his new allergy medicine messing up his face.

We as parents ask questions when we notice things, even though sometimes we don't like the answers :speechles Unfortunately, his parents never asked questions, didn't know what was going on until it was too late - by the time they called us to talk, it was too late.

Without going into too much detail - she has lied, cheated, stolen, skipped school, dropped out of college, tried some other things like OTC meds, been so drunk she ran into the middle of a busy highway, smoked and done pot THAT I know of.

My husband and I were talking and said - well we know she does pot, so that gives her the munchies and she eats, then she smokes, so that curbs the appetite.

She moved out in August 2005, from then to January she lost from 150ish down to 130.

Since moving back home in March 2006, she has lost from 130 to 125 - unsure her current weight. She eats 2 full meals a day - or more if I can get her to, that's why we thought it was weird she is losing weight.

At the beginning of May she was at 125 lbs, but the other day she came out in a bathing suit, she barely has any padding at all - truely skin and bones if you will. We noticed her losing more weight - so Im not sure what she is down to now - she says still 125.

The picture looks bigger than she actually is - her arms are 9", waist 24.5 and her thigh is 17". She had on a pair of 27" low riders that just fell off her hips.

I only know this because we asked if she was losing more weight and she said no, so my husband said - you're not much bigger than Hunter - our 5 year old and she laughed and said you're crazy - so we started measuring lol

While they were in their apt, I paid for their phone bill and took them groceries every other week. My son and her both had FT jobs and sometimes came here to stay on the wknds when they were off work. Her b/f that she had dated for 4 years was living there also - he worked for IBM and made good money also.

She got rid of the long term b/f when she moved out and has been "seeing" this new guy (forgot to add this before) and new friends - which is one reason I wondered about the new friends.

The reason I think she would lie about doing anything else is that she has used things to "escape" from herself and life itself - I have talked to her about this, and tried to get her to go to therapy again, but she won't.

She was 10 when her dad and I separated and had therapy but still had a problem with her dad not being in her life. I then met and married my husband 2 years later and she could not handle that - but refused to go to therapy again.

Long story short - she has to learn to deal with life and what it has dealt her as an adult and I don't she is doing that without using "things" to help her "cope".

[Marimaru 7]

Well, I can say that my younger sister did a number of drugs when she was a bit younger (she's 21 now, and clean). She was super thin and insanely moody throughout her teenagerhood. Since being clean, she's still moody, but not nearly so much (I think it's generally in her nature to an extent), and she put on a good 30 lbs. She's started losing the weight the old fashioned way, but has said for the last 3 years that she'd rather be fat than doing all the drugs that she'd been doing.

I'm not trying to say your daughter is on drugs or anything, just sharing the signs that I know from my experience with my sister. My other sister also lost weight during a short period she was on drugs. I never did any, thank goodness!!

But she could just be stressed, or having a high metabolism time in her life or something? Is she very active?

By the way... I'm 24, and my mom worries about us as much as you are worrying about your daughter. A mom is a mom for life, I think whether you try to be or not.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

just a few questions, but why is she moving out of the house when she is obviously having issues? Is she going to college at all? I think it is good that she is in your house. I think you should sit down with her and express your conserns...without laughter. this is serious. If you want to continue to worry, then do nothing. If you want to find out, then sit her down and say that you are really worried about her. And that to live in your house you need to be sure of a few simple things. Then make her take a drug test. Your local doctor can help you get in touch with a lab. If she is not on drugs, she will have no problem with this. If she is on drugs, she will have a major problem with this. Next, tell her that she will not pay rent to you while living there, but she will put money away to live in her own place, and force this to happen. Maybe set up a jar that she puts all the bills into every paycheck. I am not saying be mean about this, but be firm. the whole jokey-jokey thing about how skinny she is shows that she can just laugh it off. It may just be that she is going through a second stage of puberty and her metabolism and hormones are out of whack. But Ockam's Razor (the theory that the simplist answer is usually the correct one) points to it being drugs. She could be on meth, or some other form of speed. Esp if she feels that she has a lot going on and needs the help to get through the day.

I am saying this as someone who used to do drugs when she was a teen. I tried it all. And I went through the same things your daughter did. I weighed a healthy 100 pounds (truly I was healthy) and then started to take speed cause I thought my arms were fat and my boobs were too big. I dropped to 89 before I got clean. This was right around the same age as your daughter. Just sit with her and talk about it. I hid it easily from my folks because they refused to actually get in my face and set down rules and make me responsible.

You and your family are in my prayers that you find the answer to this mystery. I really hope it is just teen angst making her metabolism kick into high gear and having her just naturally melt away.

[Marimaru 7]

"Next, tell her that she will not pay rent to you while living there, but she will put money away to live in her own place, and force this to happen."

This is a really good idea. When I turned 18, my mom charged me rent, but kept it all away and I got it all back when I moved out.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Sarah ) we do that - we make the oldest two pay $250 per month for food and rent - we gave them a 6mth break after they graduated and told them what we expected a few months in advance so everything could be worked out before they had to pay.

Heck I even have contracts! I know I know, I told them I had to be their "landlord" not their mom when it came to them moving back in since they grew up and were adults now

thats what led them to move out to begin with. They thought that it was "crazy mom" how can you charge us rent! I told them you graduated and have a job and are learning to be a responsible person.

After moving into their own apt they found out just how much it was to live on their own, and that was with us helping them -- they learned a new appreciation for what things truely cost.

Luckily our oldest son - almost 21 - never has tried anything either. If he had I might have been in the mad house with stress and worry after they moved out, and he looked after her when they moved out.

Im going to talk to her again after everything ya'll have told me....thanks again for all the great advise