Husband says "I don't think you should get the band"

[Constance 0]

Today he turned to me in the car and said , " I don't think you should do it." I thought I would have been scheduled for surgery by now, thinking I'd be self-pay. But then the surgeon told me to continue on with seeing my PCP for 3 more months and I would probably get insurance coverage. So in the midst of this waiting period my husband has learned more about the band and thinks it is a bad idea.

Things he is afraid of:

We eat out when we travel and go on vacation. He thinks I will have to obsess over my choices and/or end up disappointed all the time.

I will have scars and a device in my body for life.

I will be miserable and regret it.

Why he thinks I can succeed without the band (in his words):

"You have lost weight before and I know you can do it again"

"I can help you and we can do it together"

"We just need to make better choices"

"I'd rather you be a little heavy but do it naturally than be thin and do it surgically"

The man is wonderful and loves me -- but I am having a hard time getting him onboard with this. Yes, I would do it without his blessing. But part of me agrees with him and wants to give traditional diet/exercise 'one more try'. Did you go through this? Then I think of the dumb diet mentailty and the endless failures and I feel like 'hurry up 3 months and bring on the surgery!' Suddenly, I'm really conflicted!! Advice?

[giveyouthemoon 4]

I've had my band for almost a year now. I can't imagine my life without it. I've dieted sucessfully many times. And I have the willpower of an ox!! And yet...and yet.....

So when you've been on a diet..and things are going good....you ever have the day when you think "oh $#@% it, I'm going to eat..." and you do....and sometimes it's a binge...and it blows your whole mental game....? Sure you have, we've all done it.

With the band...when you "blow it", you can only blow it a little because the band is your little gatekeeper keeping you honest.

The biggest thing the band has done has caused me to take a good look at not only what I eat but the portions. It has dramatically changed the way I look at food. It is a tine silicone miracle.

I like to travel. I also like to eat. I still like to eat. My boyfriend gets what having the band means and helps me with food choices. I don't feel deprived. I feel liberated from the shackels of food!

Here's an example. We were just in New York. We had some AMAZING meals. My boyfriend wanted me to try real New York pizza. So I did. I didn't have a full piece, I had about five bites from his pieces. And you know what? I was satisfied completely with those bites.

You see? The band for me has meant that I care about the quality of food I put in my mouth. No longer "eh..this isn't that good but I'll just finish it". Nope! If I'm only eating tiny bites they'd better be yummy bites!! So actually....I enjoy food a WHOLE lot more than I did when I was just wolfing down food for quantity and not thinking about quality.

If you could succeed without the band wouldn't you have done this by now? There isn't enough will power in the world. This is not a personal failing by you!!! Please don't let anyone convince you of that!

My doctor calls the band "surgical behavior modification". You get INSTANT feedback when you've eating the wrong thing or too much.

It takes some getting used to, sure. At first I practially did battle with the band....but today I'm 90 lbs lighter in less than a year. I got my life back. I have a freedom from food like I've never known.

Yes, I have scars on my tummy. I was looking at them this morning....I have four little dots and one slightly bigger scar. Who cares????? I also have 90 less lbs on my body....and I have joy, and energy!

And yes, I have a device in me. Who cares?

Hell, the nice thing about the band is that if you don't like it, it's easily reversable.

Of course your husband is your primary support team....and he's right to be concerned.....he has to be on board with this.

But I'll bet that in the end, what he wants most is for you to be happy. And if you believe this will help you be happy, then you owe it to yourself to try.

I wish you much luck and much love on your journey.....

Tell your husband he can ask all the questions he needs...we're here to help!

(cuz that we, your LBT family, wants is for you to be happy too! See? Look at all these folks just caring about your happiness!!!)

[Kat817 19]

I think it would be much easier with his support than without it, of course, however, why not continue your consults etc., and give his way a shot as well. Most of us were put on a pre-op diet, and needed to lose a certain amount of weight prior to surgery anyway. So any loss you would have would not negatively effect the band surgery anyway. In fact would simplify the surgery if you ultimately choose to do it.

I was banded 3 weeks ago. My scars are already fading. My port scar is still easily seen, but 2 of the small ones I have to actually look to find them already. As for eating...I eat!!! My husband and I talk...a lot!!! so as we eat, we talk, he eats at his speed, I at mine, and we usually end up done at about the same time...I just need a take home box, and he does not. I take a bite, I chew as we talk, with my fork down...nothing that is even noticable...it is just a natural thing. Today was Mother's Day, we went to dinner, with my parents, and my in-laws, our 2 DD's and a granddaughter....I ordered a chicken fried steak dinner, had a baked potato, green Beans, roll, a salad before dinner, and iced tea. I drank tea until my dinner came, and I quit drinking. I had a bit of salad, eating and chewing well, kept how much I ate to a small amount, dinner came, I ate along with everyone. I ate mostly my steak, but also bites of the sides. By the time everyone was done, so was I. Not before them, or after them. There were like I say 9 of us, some finished before me, some after... No one even noticed how little I ate until I began putting it in the to go box. I was very full....but I did not feel deprived, I ate some of everything they had put on my plate, just not ALL of it! We did some running around town, shopping. Then DH and I took a motorcycle ride...we ended up at Dairy Queen......I ordered a Junior blizzard, ate enough off the top to get a lid on it, and was done. But I ate some! I may not lose any weight today...but I had a wonderful day. No feeling hungry from eating small amounts, no feelings of deprivation, no shame or guilt of "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!". I ate til I was no longer wanting anything more. I felt "normal". Dieting I always felt deprived. It was something I had to think about ALL the time. This is natural to me. It makes me feel in control. I do not care that I have a device inside me. It is helping me be healthy, same as my FIL's insulin pump does for him, or my BIL's pace maker.

In the next 3 months, if you can begin dieting, stay focused without feeling like you are obssessed over your food choices, and be successful, then maybe you don't need to look any further into the band. I could not do that. I would inevitably fall from my diet bandwagon, and gain back what I had lost, plus! To me the band has made the last 3 weeks, the most comfortable I can remember being with food since I began the struggle with my weight years ago. I do realize as I continue the journey with the band, I will meet obstacles, but with the help of the band, I feel I can handle them. Without it, it would have just been another failed attempt for me.

Has he ever cruised this site? Have you sat and poured out your heart? Does he know how the weight makes you feel? I feel very lucky my DH was behind me in whatever decision I made...but I would have talked til I was blue in the face trying to make him understand that this was MY battle, and while I wanted him to agree, I really only needed him to support MY decision. Good Luck to you both, it is a big decision, and one I hope you can reach together!!

Kat

[Stitchy 0]

We eat out when we travel and go on vacation. He thinks I will have to obsess over my choices and/or end up disappointed all the time.

I will have scars and a device in my body for life.

I will be miserable and regret it.

Why he thinks I can succeed without the band (in his words):

"You have lost weight before and I know you can do it again"

"I can help you and we can do it together"

"We just need to make better choices"

"I'd rather you be a little heavy but do it naturally than be thin and do it surgically"

To me, it sounds like this man cares for you a great deal and doesn't want to see you hurting or regretting. He may also be giving you an "out." My husband would have preferred that I didn't have surgery, but it was my decision and he is supporting me 100%.

Yes, you have lost weight before, etc and yes, you could do it again. But you probably felt deprived and hungry. The "diet" will end someday, and we know the chances of weight returning and bringing some friends with it. It's nice that he would help you, that you could do it together, but bottom line it that it is you doing it.

With the band, you won't feel deprived and there will probably be only a few things that you will not be able to eat. You will discover them for yourself. You WILL make better choices because you have a little bitty pouch standing guard. The band will help you not eat so much and therefore will only eat the best thing on the menu :biggrin1: and have leftovers for the next two days!!

BTW - I was banded 5 days ago, so I have been eating only liquids. Those liquids include some really good creamy Soups and yogurt smoothies. I can eat about 1/2 cup at a time and I am full. I certainly don't feel deprived and am comforted to know that this time, the "diet" will work.

Good luck with your decision

[Jachut 487]

My husband had his reservations but said he would support me all the way with what I wanted, so I would have gone ahead and done it. But he came to the doctor with me and to the information evening and it kind of helped him feel better.

But I nearly went insane with all the "you've done it before, you can do it again" comments. That's not a reason. If you've done it before and are here now considering surgery then you havent been successful have you?

I'd also rather have a lap band round my stomach than stents in my arteries.

He sounds like he has only your best interests at heart but his fears are pretty much unfounded and no different to what we all think about ourselves. It really is your decision in the end. For myself personally, I thought I was kidding myself if I thought that this time would be the time I would succeed. It just wasnt ever going to happen.

[waterlily1072 5]

I told myself over and over, just one more diet before I take the plunge into wls. I spent 3yrs doing that!!!!! I could have been thin for my wedding instead of having photos that I hate. I could feel good right now instead of tired with a back ache. If only I had done this sooner. If I knew then what I know now I would have gone to mexico and had the band put in years ago. I feel like my youth was wasted on being fat and unhealthy shackled with a low self esteem. This is about you not about your husband. You have to know that you are ready. Just don't wait so long you have a sore behind from kicking yourself.

[Scott F 0]

I had to get banded without my wife's support, even had to get my business partner to give me a ride home from the surgery center. But this passed quickly and now is a non-issue. Most likely your husband will soon recognize that his fears were unfounded.

[Th?r?se 0]

Hmmm thats a bit difficult if he isn't going to support the idea but I think as another poster said he is giving you an out and also he is scared for you.

We have to remember that although we HAVE the band our partners LIVE with the band and so they need to be up to speed on all the info that we have. It can be daunting for them. I was lucky, my husband supported me the entire way and is thrilled that now he knows he will have me around longer!!!!

BUT if you feel that you want to try "one last diet" or if you have issues about surgery or foreign devices etc YOU have to work this out BEFORE you have it done. There is absolutely no point in putting yourself through this if you have too many concerns because you will end up sabotaging yourself and cheating your band (yes you can cheat, you just have to not want to)

I could try to convince you by saying I eat out all the time and have no problems with it, or by saying it was the best thing I ever did for myself, but that isn't what it's about. Its about you (and I mean that collectively as I believe his support is very important) KNOWING that this is what you want to do at this stage! It might well be the very best thing that I did for me, but we are all different and you have to know it it what you want for you.

Good luck with it and I wish you every success in whatever decision you make.

[K@t 38]

Your situation sounds similar to mine in the beginning. My husband wasn't 100% on board with me either, but like some other posters said it was our choice. I made it and he supported me with it. I think now he even takes pleasure in watching me eat smaller meals, and helping me pick out things that are more band friendly. Just tell your husband your reasons, and let him sort it out, let him know your an adult and your not asking for his permission, but that you would like his support. Thats how I got my husband on board.

[flower 2]

Yeah we have all lost weight before but the key is keeping it off in my lifetime which is 22 years of dieting Ihave lost at least 300 pounds and have never kept it off let me verify I kept it off once in my early twenties while being bulemic for four years good luck

[Shontel 3]

My fiance was supportive when I got the procedure. Now it seems like he is indifferent. He notices my weight loss but is not that interested in anything else. I was hurt at first (its only been a few weeks since I was banded) but let me say this...The more I'm 'inspired' the more he is coming around. He is noticing what he eats (not that he's ready to change yet) but for him, that's a HUDGE thing...he has the attitude, 'just b/c you can't eat, doesn't mean I have to miss out' Very prideful when it comes to food, I just quitely eat my healthful food. I made an AWESOME EASY Crab Bisque the other Saturday night, I offered him a cup (now, normally he'd turn his nose up) but he ate 2 bowls!! Also this weekend, he GOT ON THE TREADMILL and ran a mile!!!! He hadn't ran since his military days in 1998...I guess my point is this, your behavior and transformation will inspire him, he sounds like a loving man, little by little he will come around, what matters to you WILL matter to him. Just take baby steps..let him come and hang out on this board or better yet, print some positive posts out, show him that its a GOOD THING! Good Luck Girl!!!

[Elisabethsew 50]

Have you brought your husband to any of the informational meetings? Have you showed him the thread of people showing their scars? Have you showed him the thread of the before and after pictures? Most importantly, have you sat down and been 100% honest with your husband about how your weight affect you... physically and emotionally?

Ultimately, the decision is yours. Don't take ANY action until you've gotten all your questions answered.

[Sunta 4]

Hi,

I think your husband is just concerned about your safety, which is sweet, but it's also really frustrating for you to have to convince the one person closest to you to be supportive. Let me address each of his concerns based on my experience with the band thus far:

We eat out when we travel and go on vacation. He thinks I will have to obsess over my choices and/or end up disappointed all the time.

I eat out constantly. Probably about 14 times a week or more. I definitely don't obsess over my choices. On the contraray, I obsess much much less than I did before the band! Before the band, I was always on some diet or another, so eating out was a real challenge. It was difficult or impossible to know how many "points", "calories" "carbs" "fat" (or whatever else I was counting at the time), was in the food. Now, I order exactly what I feel like eating and have zero worry or concern over what the calorie counts are because the band limits my portions for me! It takes all the worry and guesswork out of choosing. I just order what looks delicious. I allow myself any kind of food and don't limit anything because I don't have to any more! It's an incredibly liberating feeling. Because the foods I order are delicious and I don't worry about cutting fat or carbs, I find myself extremely satisfied with my meals, much more so than before the band. I enjoy food much, much more now than before. Another great benefit is that I don't feel guilty after eating like I always did before, because I know I'm eating the corect amount for weight loss!

I will have scars and a device in my body for life:

The scars I have are very minimal. I don't even notice them, and I'm only three months out from surgery. They are very small and make very little difference in my appearance. It's a tiny trade-off for being a healthy weight! When my scars fade completely, they will be extremely difficult to detect because most of them are the size of a dot. I would accept a huge scar from open surgery if it meant I could be a normal weight. A scar is no big deal, and laproscopic scars are a non-issue as far as I'm concerned. As for having a device implanted, what about knee and hip replacments, heart valves, heart stints, artificial joints, artificial spinal disks, pacemakers, etc. Should the people that need these decide against getting them because they'll have a device implanted? I think anyone would say that the health benefits to them far outweigh the risks. Many of the implants I listed are life-saving devices, and so is the band.

I will be miserable and regret it.

That is highly doubtful. Even the people on this board that have had alot of complications and problems that make/made them miserable still do not regret getting the band! They are still grateful for their weight loss and many of them would get it again in a heartbeat. Every big decision we make in our lives has the potential to make us miserable and cause regret, but when the benefits outweigh the risks, it becomes a calculated risk and one worth taking. The fact is, the vast majority of people who get the band absolutely love it and have no regrets.

Why he thinks I can succeed without the band (in his words):

"You have lost weight before and I know you can do it again"

Well, I think we all have lost weight before, haven't we? Again and again and again. I definitely did the "one last diet before surgery" thing. I went to Weight Watchers. It didn't work. Again. If you have come this far and gained this much weight in this many years, ask yourself honestly where will you be 10 years from now? How many pounds gained in 10 years? Diets have a near 100% failure rate. That has been proven time and time again. Almost 100% of people who lose weight on diets gain it back within 5 years.

"I can help you and we can do it together"

It is so nice that your husband wants to help you. Hopefully he will continue that same sentiment after your surgery. My husband and my best friend both went on a liquid diet with me for my four weeks after surgery! It was wonderful to have their support.

"We just need to make better choices"

That's really not true, actually. It's a matter of calories in, calories out. You can choose the most healthy food in the world and if you eat too much of it, you'll still gain weight. Restricting calories is really hard, and for me, in the end, hunger would always win. The band removes hunger from the equation and makes calorie restriction automatic. I defy anyone to show me a person who can maintain severe calorie restriction on their own for very long. That is why nearly 100% of dieters fail in the long run.

"I'd rather you be a little heavy but do it naturally than be thin and do it surgically"

Are you just a "little heavy"? Or are you the required 100 pounds overweight? If you're just "a little heavy" then you would not be a candidate for surgery. Dieting is what got you to this point in the first place. Diets do not work. It has been proven time and again. Dieting is not the answer. Nearly 100% of dieters gain the weight back. In spite of this rock-solid, concrete proof, the idea persists that diets can work. I don't understand it. I have seen no proof that a diet can be succesful in the long term. I'll change my mind when someone can produce a person who lost a huge amount of weight and kept it off for good. As of yet in all my life experience, I have not met such a person. However I met probably hundreds of people who lost weight and then regained it. How much proof is needed before people stop relying on "dieting naturally"?

I hope you can convince your husband to get behind you on this. I'm totally convinced that surgery is the only way for long-term weight loss. That too has been proven.

Best of luck to you!!!

[Marimaru 7]

Well,

I think that if you want to give it one more shot dieting, it can't hurt. If you make it, great! and if not, the band will still be there. But for me, I found out about the band, did a bunch of research, and then had it done. I'd been yoyoing, and I knew I couldn't do it by myself, and I jumped at the first chance for "help".

Pacemakers, hip replacements, screws, all sorts of stuff is implanted in people every day, and the lapband is just another thing on that list. If you needed one of the other things, I bet he wouldn't blink, huh?

If you decide to have surgery, I hope that your husband will be behind you 100%.

[ralheit 0]

After a lifetime of trying and failing---NO I wouldn't even think of trying again. As soon as I heard about the band, I was on the band wagon. I haven't been losing as quickly as some, but at least I've finally stopped gaining. It feels great. My husband was nervous about it, but knew how much it meant to me. Now we're both happy.