Being fat and finding love

[HunnyBun 2]

It's almost impossible for me.

I've been ready to settle down ever since I had my son 7 years ago, and this whole time I was looking for true love. I never found the right man though.

The first guy I thought I loved knocked me up and left.

The second guy had another girlfriend.

The third I was with for a while and finally found out he wouldn't marry me because I was too fat and he was a bit ashamed of it.

The next I actually got along with perfect but not only did he have problems with his penis, he felt he'd have to support me and my son, which was too much.

The last guy I dated wanted just sex.

I've met a few people from the internet and all of them were weird.

How can I find a normal nice man at my size? Seems like anyone I'm interested in would rather date a skinny woman. I have no problem with skinny women, I hope to be one someday, but this is so hard.

Where did you meet your significan other? How did you approach love and marriage? Did you go looking for it or did it find you?

I'm so lonely... :cry

[Jachut 487]

Sigh, plenty of skinny women choose bad men and get treated badly too. I honestly dont think size is the issue, everybody has their own unique beauty and there's plenty of people around who can see that. You dont want a man who would find you repulsive when overweight and love you when you're thin anyway. That's shallow and stupid. And any man who would be with you even though he found you unattractive has his own issues to deal with and isnt worth your time.

You need to be fussier. You dont have to take crap because you're overweight and that's the truth. Its so so sad to be lonely but its better than being in a bad relationship. People of all shapes and sizes have trouble finding love and nobody can really tell you where to find it, just hope for you that you're lucky and you come upon it one day when you're least expecting it.

I was lucky, I found my hubby when I was 16, he lived only a street or two away and I met him through another friend. We started a teenage courtship, stayed together and married seven years later and have now been married for 15 years. We've never really had hard times, I've been blessed.

Remain open to it, treat yourself with respect and dont waste your time on bad people.

[PhotoNut 7]

I swear, I believe that there must be a sign on the forehead of lonely women that can only be read by men. It says, "I'm desperate for someone to love me, so I'll take any crap you throw at me as long as you make me believe you love me." That is an open door for every abusing, using, jerk in the world to walk through... and trust me, they will.

I married twice before I found that the third time really was a charm. Every man I dated or married all had the same "wrong qualities". So, I finally got smart and decided it was time to do the opposite of what I would normally do. And the first thing on the list was to STOP looking for that Mr. Right. I was always attracted to the same type of man, so what was the point in looking? The second was to STOP expecting to find a man who possessed all of the right qualities, when I myself possessed none of them. I once read that we should make a list of all of the things that we would insist upon in a perfect mate. Every quality, every personality trait, etc. Then, we should go back over that list and check off the ones that we can honestly say we possess. It's not surprising to find that we possess very few of them. So, why do we think we are going to attract someone who does?

I have found that the important thing in finding real love is not the timing, the outfit, the perfect responses, the perfect hair or body. The most important thing is being ready for it when it comes along. Number one, so we can recognize it... and number two, so we can handle it. I would suggest focusing on becoming the best you that you can be - inside and out. You might be surprised at how much higher your standards become once you feel good about you.

[Kat817 19]

I really don't think you are going to find a man who finds you worthy of loving, until YOU find yourself worthy of loving.

My advice...and I am not saying it is worth anything!!!...would be to find things in life that make you happy. Work hard to make the best and most productive life you can for you and your son. Focus on the morals, and the attitudes you want him to possess as he too becomes a man. When people, not just men, but everyone, sees that you have that positive outlook, and that you are productive in your life, they will want to be around you. Think about it, if you met a man, regardless of his looks or size, and all he did was complain about how horrible his last relationships were, and how ALL he wants is love and marriage. You would wonder WHY? Why did all the relationships go bad? Was it all the other persons fault? Was he giving relationships time to develop or just wanting seriousness right off the bat? Even tho we tend to put men in another category, they think the same things... And it will be hard for them to see someone worth pursuing a relationship with, if you don't see yourself as worth it.

Like P-nut, I too was married twice before. When I married for the first time, I struggled to gain enough weight to keep my dress from sagging in the back...I made it to 116 pounds....I am 5'9". He cheated on me. The 2nd time I got married, I had become a Mom, and was up to 130 pounds. He abused me, and is currently serving time for attempted murder...mine! That began my weight gain.....years later, for the 3rd marriage, I was well over 260 pounds, and he loves me. And I love him. More than I could ever convey in words. He knew me years ago, when I was skinny...but he loves me, and married me when I was fat. He would love me fat til the day I died. But I want more time with him....

Work on making YOU happy. Work on making a good life for you and your son. Then if someone fits into that life, and can improve it, let it happen, don't try to force it. It is much better to be happy alone, than married and miserable!

Good luck, be happy!!!

Kat

[Marimaru 7]

I found my fiancee online. He and I met on a forum similar to this one, but for a different topic. We were friends for a long time, before more feelings developed. We've been together for 4 years now.

He admitted to me once that he would find me more attractive if I'd lost weight, but it didn't put him off. I don't have any advice on 'how' to find a guy like that. For me, it kind of happened when I resigned myself to the idea that I'd be alone for a while.

*hugs*

[EmileeKaye 1]

For me...I met my boyfriend online a little over a year ago. He saw the picture I'm using now and told me he just thought I should know he thought I was beautiful. He was a 1,000 miles away and I thought I'd never meet him....but there was a connection and t was meant to be. About 2 months before this I had given up on guys....thought I'd never find someone until I had lost all the weight, and I really didnt want to go the online route b/c the couple prior guys I had met for LOSERS....so i had guven up guys, especially online ones and then my dear wonderful boyfriend just popped up on my computer screen lol. It is so true, when you stop looking or trying to find love, it finds you. Just might take a little longer than you want. But the one thing I know in life...some things really are better waiting for.

[HunnyBun 2]

I totally agree that I need to love myself and be ready for a meaningful relationship before I go looking for it. I haven't been forcing it at all. In fact, I was the one to leave most of my ex's because they were not a right match for me.

I believe I am very ready, I've been ready. My life is in order, my self esteem needs a little work but most women I know have some kind of esteem problems.

My expectations are not low, they aren't ridiculusly high either. I want someone who is caring, loving, accepting, and good father figure. I dont want abuse or obnoxious, I don't want a jerk, and I don't want just sex.

I've never put up with abuse and don't think I attract it. I don't think I attract anyone in specific, every man I dated is so different in their faults.

One didn't like my weight, another didnt want to 'take on' a mom with a kid. One was interested in having bedroom fun only but wouldnt so much as take me to the movies etc. Other than those specific faults, they were really great boyfriends.

I think I just have bad luck.

[barbara465 2]

When I divorced my first husband with a child age 6 I decided I needed to work on me. I got my education, advanced in my career, educated my son, and then woke up. I woke up to the fact that I was in my fifties and was alone. I was comfortable with who I was, proud of all that I had accomplished, but still found something missing.

I went online and started dating. I can't say that I met any losers, but I did have some interesting dates. I screened them pretty well before meeting and knew lots about them. New Year's eve 2003 I agreed to meet a man I had been talking to for a while. It was an afternoon meeting, casual. I looked into his eyes and must admit I fell hard. I married that man in August 2004. He's not perfect, but we are perfect for each other.

He had never dated a plus size woman, but he was accepting. He didn't understand all of the ramifications, but tried. Only after I accepted that I have nothing more to prove as a large woman did I decide to lose the weight. Like others have said, I want more years with this wonderful man. I want my health.

Don't look for perfect, look for someone who is perfect for you. There is a difference.

Good luck and don't give up. Don't put your life on hold until you are "thin". Life goes on, no matter what size we are.

[HunnyBun 2]

Barbara, I SO agree with the comment 'Don't put life on hold until you are thin'. That is exactly why I want to find love now. My whole life is in order except for that part. I have a child, a job, have my finances in order, I work how I want, I have good friends, I have a home and car and I'm pretty happy. I just really want to have a man to cuddle with in the evenings, to make love to at night... to wake up with the next day. I really feel like something is missing. I'm still young and I know I have time, but I'm so tired of dating. I wasted so much time and meotions on the wrong men in the past, I'm just tired of getting my hopes up.

[babsintx3 0]

Hi Magsi,

I am married now and was married once before. First husband 5 years and so far 12 years with the second one. Both guys were/are totally normal and I met both of them in bars/clubs. I met my present husband at the American Hotel in Amsterdam, THe Netherlands. He was sitting alone and I was sitting alone. I guess what I am saying is that lots of folks say you can't meet a normal guy in a bar or on the internet. I say you can. So go for it. Just know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet a prince.

P.S. I weighed over 250 when I met both of them.

Babs in TX

334/180 ish

-150 ish

[FunnyDuddies 6]

i know it seems corny, but have you tried eHarmony.com? I have 3 friends who went on there, and their personallity matching really seems to work!! 2 are married, and 1 is engaged. And all three couples seem really perfect for each other!

I met my DH online waaaaay back when the world wide web did not exist. It was just the internet. Connected to schools, libraries, the government, and of course the hand full of pervs. LOL DH was working at the library where he was going to college, and I was a freshman in high school. We were just friends for the longest time, till i turned 19 and moved to florida where he was going to college. then we fell in love. When I was a freshman in high school I was tiny. 100 pounds, 5ft 4inches, and tight. when i moved to florida, due to 2 years with a VERY abusive boyfriend, i was 300 pounds. he fell in love with me as a person, not with my body (although he does really like me no matter what my size.) I think that is what is great with the internet and meeting someone online before meeting them face to face.

Just keep your eyes and heart open, but at the same time, continue to find the love you have for yourself. I know you are really lonely, but if you find love for yourself you will respect yourself enough to find the right man, and not one that will treat you badly, or manipulate you in any way. Good Luck!!

[gentlespirit 1]

I really related to your post. I'm 50 years old and am happy with who I am. I have a lot of good points and some not so good ones like everyone else. My two sons are grown and self-sufficient. My life is pretty good, but something is still missing. I really want to find someone who will love me and appreciate me. My first husband was a selfish jerk that I finally divorced when I realized that his emotional abuse of the kids and me was really damaging my kids. So I've been in a bad relationship and know that there are worse things than being alone. And that alone and lonely aren't necessarily the same thing. I enjoy my own company and tend to have a few really good friends rather than tons of just acquaintances. I would love to find someone to grow older with and share the rest of my life with, but honestly I don't see it happening. I have met a couple of wonderful men...both of whom are already taken. I've thought of trying eHarmony.com but just haven't gotten that motivated yet. Maybe after reading Amy's post I'll give it a try!

I wish you the best of luck...one of the best things about life is that we never know what's around the corner! Tomorrow could be your lucky day...

Emily

[giveyouthemoon 4]

I guess the only thing I can say is shoot....ready is good...put your intentions out there to the universe and then go out and have fun with your friends. I was *really* wanting to find someone and "put it out there" to my friends and to the universe...it took a while but one day my friend said she was inviting one of her friends along for lunch.....I shrugged and said "as long as it's not a set up". Well....six months later and we're still dating.

Being ready...step one. Step two, put your intentions out there, which you are doing. Step three...then let it go. Release it to the universe to figure out and go have tons of fun with your girlfriends.....

Just work on loving yourself a little every day and the rest will come around....it feels like eternity when you are waiting for that someone to come along. Just affirm to yourself that they will come along when the time is right and not a second sooner.

Bear in mind that he's out there looking for you just as much as you are looking for him......

[gordonfamily3 0]

I do think there is someone out there that will love you for you! I think there is someone for everyone if everyone wants someone. I personally dated many men I met on-line. The one I knew was different was the one I have married - happily for 7 years this year together for 9. He never once asked me my weight or for a picture. When he finally met me he never shyed off because of my weight. I knew was different. So hang in there your time is coming...

[picardy3 0]

Magsi,

I totally understand where you are coming from, though I don't have a child. It is difficult at times, but I've decided that I'm going to focus on me and activities that I enjoy and make new friends. Somewhere along the way, the right man for "me" will show up.

I also belong to eharmony.com. They have a very good track record. I will have been with them for a year in July and I'm paid up until January. So far I've been matched will well over 100 people. I even have a picture posted of me at pre-banding weight. I've had some not communicate because they couldn't see a picture right off the bat and I've had others not communicate because of my picture. These are the ones that I'm glad to not get to know because they are thinking of only the physical me and not the total me. It's their loss that they cannot see past the pic and get to know the me in my profile.

I've also gotten to know several guys from there and I've met a few of them, but the right one has not come along yet. I'm trusting that he will someday. And if he doesn't, then I'll be happy knowing that I've taken care of myself to the best of my abilities and not wasted my life wondering "What if?" and "Where is he?"

Good luck!

Audra