Very critical mother (very long)

[GoDawgs 0]

I hope that this isn't so long that no one will read it!!!

My mother is impossible to please. When I started high school I weighed 160 pounds and I'm 5'5". My mother was always telling me I needed to lose weight and I knew that I needed to lose it. After a year of exercising and watching what I ate I got down to 126 pounds. This still wasn't good enough for my mother. When I wanted to buy a two piece swim suit she'd tell me that I didn't have the body for it and I'd believe her and buy a one piece that hid my tummy. Once when shopping for formal dresses she told me that if I would lose just five more pounds I'd look like a model. Of course as an insecure teenage girl I just heard "you aren't thin enough". Being in marching band helped keep me thin b/c we had to run laps and do a lot of walking. My sophmore year I quit band and started working at a department store. I got up to 140 pounds and was in a size 12. My mom started criticizing my weight more often. Once she said right in front of my boyfriend that I needed to lose at least 10 pounds to look good in the outfit I was wearing. His jaw dropped and he told her that I looked great. However, for some reason what everyone else said to me just didn't register - all I took into consideration was what my mom thought about me. I felt fat and disgusting and thought that I never had any hope for being thin. I thought that when I was working hard at 126 that I was gross, and I knew that I could never get below that without starving myself, which I tried but just didn't have the will power to do. So I just gave up. I started dating a guy whose family owned a restaurant. We would pig out together - but he stayed thin b/c he worked out all of the time. I was back up to 160 by the time I graduated high school.

I got up to 180 my freshman year of college. Of course my mom would comment all of the time about how I needed to lose weight and every time we talked on the phone she would ask how the diet was going. When we were opening presents on Christmas day I opened a really beautiful sweater from my grandparents. It was a Large and I wore an XL. Mom asked me the size and I told her it would probably be too small she acted really sad and said "Jeanette, PLEASE lose the weight". She could't even leave me alone about it on Christmas day. I started crying and shut myself into the bedroom, and my dad was really pissed off at my mom. I really did try to lose weight my sophmore year of college. I worked out like crazy and barely ate anything, but I didn' t lose a pound. I think I screwed up my metabolism by always going on diets eating 500 - 800 calories a day. I thought I was a fat failure and gave up. I just kept gaining and gaining. When I hit 210 my mom told me that I had "lost my face". This led to another crying fit and an argument between my parents about her being critical. The comments became more fequent when I got up to 230. She would tell me how bad I looked and it would make me cry.

I'm now 25 and I just recently exploded at my mom about her criticism. I told her that my entire life, even when I was thin, she made me feel horrible about myself. I told her that I KNOW that I'm fat. I'm constantly reminded of it when I look in the mirror and when I have to shop in special stores for fat people. I told her that I feel like I'm always judged by people and am treated differently b/c I'm fat, and that the ONE place that I should always feel loved and beautiful is when I'm with my family. That no matter what she should always tell me that I'm beautiful.

Since then she's gotten a lot better about the critical comments. She and my dad are also both very supportive of the surgery. However, the other day she made a comment that made me start to worry. At 258 pounds I'm finally at a point in my life where I realize that the focus needs to be on being healthy, not being very thin. I look back on pictures of me when I weighed 160 and I honestly think I'm beautiful. When I see the pictures of me at 126 I can't belive how thin I look. It's so sad to me that when I was at those weights I felt so horrible about myself. So my goal with the band is to not get skinny. I will be VERY happy if I get to 160, which is technically still overweight, but I will be able to wear a size 14 at a regular store and I think that I look great in pictures at that weight. My actual goal is 140 - 150, but I will still be thrilled at 160.

The other day my mom and I were talking about the band. We were talking about what weight I should get down to, and she said "you probably wouldn't want to go below . . . " and then paused as she was thinking. I finished her sentence and said "140". She gave me a funny look and said "You probably wouldn't want to go below 125 or 120". WHAT??? I can't believe that now that I weight 258 pounds she still wants me to weigh 120 pounds. Hasn't her perspective changed?

The other day she started talking to a woman next to her at a nail salon and it ends up that she has the lap band. She's gone from 290 pounds to 150 in two years. My mom called me and handed her cell phone to the lady so I could ask questions. She was so nice and told me that people she works with are actually telling her that she needs to quit losing weight - words that she never imagined she would ever hear! Later when I told my mom that the lady said this, she gave me a funny look and said that the lady was certainly not getting so thin that she needed to stop losing weight, and that the woman was "very average".

So now I'm worried that once I start losing weight everything that I have gone through will start again. I'm worried that when I get down to 180 and am so excited that her attitude will focus more on the fact that I have a long way to go (in her opinion) then the fact that I have lost 80 pounds. I don't WANT to weigh 120 pounds. I want to weigh 150. My husband would hate it if I didn't have a little meat on my bones. I love the pictures where I weigh 150 - I look healthy and curvy. But I'm so scared that the same thing will happen where I want my mother's approval so much that her opinion is the only one I believe. I worry that if I only get down to 180 pounds with the lap band that she will see this as a huge failure and make me feel horrible about my decision and for spending so much money when my husband and I are just starting out.

Any advice?

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Good morning,

I certainly do not want to offend you in anyway, but I am a very direct person.

As much as you love your mother, (it is obvious you do!) she is toxic to you as you begin and continue through this journey. It sounds like she had some unrealistic figure in her mind of what people should weigh. My mom is 5' 1 inches and weighs about 105. I am 5' 6" and weigh 233. I started at 334 pounds. Now most people would never be able to guess my weight. My personal trainer says I look about 175-180 today.

I went home for Christmas and at that time, I had already lost 75 pounds. My mother did not acknowledge the weight loss and instead started pointing out other imperfections like a mole I have on my neck. Her comment was "Why don't you have it removed? Now, I have had this mole (it is tiny) for at least 18 years. Why was it necessary to focus on this? Also, as I reached for a piece of italian bread, my mother says, "Are you really supposed to be eating this?" (Another zap!!!). And the amazing thing is I paid for this abuse!!! (it was my money that paid for the trip!)

My older sister who eats boxes of Teddy Grahams and weighs in the 140 at 5' 6" isn't the most sympathetic person either. My brother who is 6 ' 1 and weighs 200 (He is a personal trainer) was the worst one of all. Oh, You are having elective surgery, he says. "Why don't you just lose weight by eating less and exercising?" (no, #@* Sherlock!!)

I had to avoid all of the unsupportive family members the first 6 months of banding. That is the only solution unless you are able to tell your mother to back off for a while. It is possible to set groud rules from the beginning though. You could say to your mother that when you are together, weight loss and what you should weigh are offtopics since you differ on what the outcome should be. If you can't resolve, give yourself a break from her and surround yourself with supportive positive people who understand what you are going through. Good luck!!!

Babs inTX

334/233/180

-101 and counting

6/23/03

[Debra 0]

My Goodness, Jeanette! With all the things going on in your life right now just dealing with your upcoming lap-band, this is one thing you should not have to worry about!

It is great that you spoke up to your mom and expressed how much you needed her support. It sounds like she responded well at first ... maybe she needs a refresher course! Show her the pics of you at 160 and let her know that that is your goal. Talk to her about HEALTH being your number one goal. Tell her your fears about feeling a failure and how you feel the need to please her so strongly. Her response certainly couldn't be any more hurtful than the things she's already said to you and maybe it will help. Sounds like you have an ally in your father, maybe he can help.

Ya know, Dear Abby is always saying "Just cut out this article and show them" maybe you should print out your post and give it to your mom if you can't say it face to face.

I hope this helps, if only to let you know that you have support and understanding right here! Best of luck to you!

[sassaay 1]

Hi there,

I tend to agree with both Debra and Babs. If I recall correctly, it is your parents that have offered to charge your surgery while you make them monthly payments. I wouldn't be surprised if because of this, your mom may be feeling like she has some right to express her opinions about what your ideal weight should be.

As Babs mentioned, it is very obvious that you are concerned and bothered by your mom's hurtful comments and strong opinions about what is best for you... But now that you are a grown woman, shouldn't your feelings and those of your husband be your priority? I would calmly discuss this with your mom and like Debra suggested show her the picture of you at 160. Explain to her that your husband has already expressed his concern with you being too thin... he wants a healthy curvy woman not a model thin wife. Tell her how you felt at your lowest weight and how difficult it was for you to maintain this weight. Explain that health is your primary concern and since you know she wants the best for you that your health should also be her primary concern.

I would also start prepping her and others in your family for the slow rate of weight loss that is a key factor with the band. I knew that anyone I told about my band would need to understand this because the last thing I wanted was everyone critizing me if the weight wasn't "falling" off of me.

I hope that you can work through these issues with your mom and come out in a better place. I know that parents only want the best for their children and sometimes they can be extremely critical without even realizing it... but as adults I think we have some responsibility to not internalize their negative comments. We have to live our own lives, not the ones our parents may have designed for us... How else can we live happy lives that we don't end up regretting in our old age?

Good luck.

[CandyB 0]

Jeannette,

First of all, let me tell you that I think it's great that you are so articulate about the emotional abuse you have suffered at your mother's "hand."

Your telling of this lifelong theme of your mother's emotional abuse seems to indicate that you are getting yourself ready to become more emotionally healthy. (Goes hand-in-hand with your decision to strive for physical health).

May I gently suggest your finding a compatible therapist to help you, a grown woman and wife who doesn't need to spend time obsessing about what Mother thinks, put her in her place in your heart and mind? Only you can make the decision to let her have power over your feelings about yourself or let those feelings come from where they always should have - from inside you. Unfortunately, you were sabotaged throughout your development.

As an adult, you must learn that you have the power to allow or not allow your mother to abuse you. It is completely up to you. A therapist can help you sort out the confusion, and help you to grow into an independent adult. Your mother can not hurt you if you don't allow it. You need to realize that you don't need her approval. You have never been able to get it, and it's time to let go of the unrealistic expectation that you will ever get what you need from your mother. Sad but true.

Believe me, you will feel so much better about yourself and your life and all of your relationships when you get this relationship put in its place.

I hope my words are helpful to you. I had to go through something similar with my mother.

candy

[dishdiva 5]

Jeanette -- Are we sisters?! Seperated at birth?! We definitely sound like we have the same mother. (Long story short, when my mom was on her deathbed recently, she made yet another (in a life full of endless ones) comment about why I need to lose weight. She's dying and all she can think about is my weight??

(She recovered, but her frame of mind about body image remains the same.)

Like you, I love my mother -- but we have to take care of ourselves. See her criticism and commentary for what it is -- HER STUFF. You get straight about yours and don't worry about her.

Good luck and Go DAWGS

Liz

UGA '84

[donali 57]

I love all the advice on this topic, and agree with it wholeheartedly. I particularly think therapy would help you to disassociate your mothers comments/expectations from your personal feeling of well being.

I also think it is of utmost importance to not allow your parents' financial help with the surgery buy them any power in your journey. This really is all about you, and what is best for YOU. Finding the inner strength to believe that, and enforce it, is your opportunity and responsibility.

Wishing you all the best - many of us understand exactly what you are going through!

[claraluz 2]

Jeanette,

Reading your eloquent description of your mother's obsession with your weight really makes me mad. And I agree with everything everyone else has said, although I recognize that no matter how much we want to and regardless of the amount of therapy we may have, we never really give up on wanting our parents' approval and acceptance. It think it is positive that when you spoke out, your mother's behavior improved if only for a little while. Maybe if you continue to be honest with her about how her remarks make you feel, she will continue to improve. One can hope.

When money enters into any relationship between two people, the stakes are always increased and with your parents paying for a surgery to treat a condition that is already so emotionally charged between you, I would suggest considering making a written contract between you. It could specify the amount of money they are to pay alone with the repayment terms. But it could also specify that their loan is to pay for the surgery and does not entitle them (or more specifically her) any further influence over your weight loss journey. If it were me, I would specify what comments are acceptable and which ones are not. Otherwise, I'm afraid that by letting them loan you this money you are opening yourself up for even more grief. Weight loss happens with this surgery, but it doesn't always happen as quickly as others think it should. And I can only imagine that your mother's attitude may be worse after she has actually paid for you to be thinner.

I hope that with work, both of you can heal this relationship.

Nancy

[Alexandra 55]

This thread has been extremely moving, and I applaud your initiative in posting it and deeply appreciate everyone's comments. My parents are both gone and it wasn't my mother who was critical, but my very loving father. We came to a truce in his later years and now, in retrospect, I can understand his fear and concern.

But he also ALWAYS had an unrealistic idea of what a woman my height and build should weigh. He grew up in the days when a woman couldn't admit to a weight over 120. My mother, who was just a hair under 6' tall, used to bemoan the fact that she couldn't stay below 150. I watched her waste away through illness and toward the end she was proud of herself for having gotten her weight down to where she wanted it. Yeah, a healthy 140. She looked like you might imagine. The living dead. Her skeleton probably weighed 120 lbs all by itself!

You've gotten great advice here and I have nothing to add, except to say that it's clear your rational mind knows that 160 is a good weight for you. I hope your emotional center embraces that truth as well, and that you can simply place aside anyone else's observations about what you "should" weigh.

Peace.

[leo 4]

I didn't read this long thread. But my mom seems to be of the same kind.Always very critical and never happy with me. She called me fat when I was just 155lbs..

And I have been telling her about my loss and she just says.. oh thats still a lot of weight.

I just ignore her now..

[Laura W 0]

The other day I took my mom out on "Nanny's Day Out", the grandkids call her Nanny. The trips are usually me, my daughter & her son and my mom. Well I had a plate of main course <not overloaded> and a plate with tablespoon size samples of different deserts, about 4 in all. Then she gives me this critical smile and says 'you are going to get another plate?'. I was pissed but I didn't say much other than no, I'm full. She was thinking that I'd "pig out" and she could go outside to smoke a cigarette. I don't talk about her 2-3 pack a day habit any longer, won't do any good. So the least she can do is to not talk about my weight? I spent over 7 weeks last summer with her out of town while she had cancer treatments and while on chemo, she was outside the building SMOKING. Still, she's a grown woman and knows it's a problem but she doesn't want to stop. I didn't press her because she was already under a lot of stress. Recently I mentioned getting the lapband and she turned her head while rolling her eyes and just shook her head in a 'I don't believe it' way. I haven't talked to her about weighloss since. Our relationship is a good one but we stay off of certain topics.

OH, and btw, when I was 17 I was 5'2" and weighed 105lbs and all I got from everyone was how big my butt was. I look back now and it wasn't any bigger than J'Lo's!!