Advice needed: when someone you love tells someone else abt your band

[aviva1979 375]

Hi all-

The predictable has happened: someone I didn't tell knows my plans for the band. I got a Facebook msg from him wishing me luck for my surgery. He is my oldest friend's boyfriend.

When I told my friend I asked him not to tell anyone. I'm not sure what to do. It has been a few days and I'm still bothered by it so I know I need to just talk to my friend about it. In the back of my head tho I wonder if I'm overreacting - possibly because this is the first time it's happened to me and I expect over time it is likely to happen more.

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

Thanks!

Aviva

[kbush 176]

Hi all-

The predictable has happened: someone I didn't tell knows my plans for the band. I got a Facebook msg from him wishing me luck for my surgery. He is my oldest friend's boyfriend.

When I told my friend I asked him not to tell anyone. I'm not sure what to do. It has been a few days and I'm still bothered by it so I know I need to just talk to my friend about it. In the back of my head tho I wonder if I'm overreacting - possibly because this is the first time it's happened to me and I expect over time it is likely to happen more.

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

Thanks!

Aviva

I wondered about telling people at all!!! Simply because some people are soooo negative and they are quick to tell you the cons. My advice would be just watch who you tell. I haven't told my sister. Telling her is = to posting it on Facebook. Do what you feel is right. I have a few people I want to tell but I will only tell them after the band is in place.

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

I hate to say it, but it's expected. We're all guilty of it- we feel we can tell our significant other things that we're not supposed to share with anyone. We feel like telling our partner doesn't count as telling someone because they're our partner. It's almost like there's an unspoken rule- if you tell someone something, chances are good their significant other knows too.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd let it go. In fact, I'd be happy his boyfriend cared enough to wish you well. Just reiterate to them both not to repeat the information to others.

[mrsto 2,925]

Aviva - I haven't experienced this situation with the band, although, I'm sure there are a few people who know, that I didn't tell.

Regarding your friend, the issue isn't whether or not you're overreacting regarding the surgery. The issue is that you asked a close friend to keep your decision private......and he didn't. That is the conversation you need to have. It's a trust thing. If I found out that my BF shared info that I specifically told her not to, I would be pissed. And I would have a difficult time trusting her with personal things going forward. With your friend, I think that is what needs to be addressed.

Aside from that......if someone contacted me on FB regarding such a sensitive subject, I'd be even MORE annoyed. I certainly hope it wasn't posted on your wall!!

[mrsto 2,925]

Aviva - I haven't experienced this situation with the band, although, I'm sure there are a few people who know, that I didn't tell.

Regarding your friend, the issue isn't whether or not you're overreacting regarding the surgery. The issue is that you asked a close friend to keep your decision private......and he didn't. That is the conversation you need to have. It's a trust thing. If I found out that my BF shared info that I specifically told her not to, I would be pissed. And I would have a difficult time trusting her with personal things going forward. With your friend, I think that is what needs to be addressed.

Aside from that......if someone contacted me on FB regarding such a sensitive subject, I'd be even MORE annoyed. I certainly hope it wasn't posted on your wall!!

PS: If my BF told her husband, I would expect that at the same time she would tell him that it's private.....and not to say anything. Which equates to, don't bring it up with me, until that time that I choose to bring it up with you.

[aviva1979 375]

PS: If my BF told her husband' date=' I would expect that at the same time she would tell him that it's private.....and not to say anything. Which equates to, don't bring it up with me, until that time that I choose to bring it up with you.[/quote']

Yea, I agree. I am not certain but it seems likely my sister has told her husband. He has been discrete enough not to bring it up, and he makes himself scarce when we are discussing it (even without referencing it directly). Which I really appreciate.

I don't think there was ill intent here - but if my mom could keep it from my dad until I told him myself (which she did, for months) - and my bestie knee that - he could have also kept his yap shut or make sure his boyfriend didn't bring it up or mention it to anyone else. (And it was a private msg - not a wall post, thankfully)

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

I guess I'd have to ask if you told your best friend to keep it private? However, I agree with Mis73 that we always share things w/ out S.Os. Not out of spite, but because it's new information and sometimes we share to sort out our own feelings/opinions on the matter and you do that by bouncing it off the S.O. He seems positive and supportive so don't see this as a negative experience. Rather it is a learning experience that word travels. If you are not prepared to be open to anyone than it's time to stop sharing. This is more about you and your comfort with revealing your plans. If you do share, be adamant with them that you wish for this to be private and not shared with others, discussed openly (like on fb or in a group setting) etc.

[gowalking 10,790]

Hi all-

The predictable has happened: someone I didn't tell knows my plans for the band. I got a Facebook msg from him wishing me luck for my surgery. He is my oldest friend's boyfriend.

When I told my friend I asked him not to tell anyone. I'm not sure what to do. It has been a few days and I'm still bothered by it so I know I need to just talk to my friend about it. In the back of my head tho I wonder if I'm overreacting - possibly because this is the first time it's happened to me and I expect over time it is likely to happen more.

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

Thanks!

Aviva

Hi Aviva, I agree with Missy. You need to let it go. My parents knew I was getting the lapband and while I didn't specifically ask them not to say anything, of course my mother went and told her sisters and they in turn told others in the family. I too got an email from a cousin asking how I was doing and thinking...how the heck does he know about this? Then I realized my mother was the source. I couldn't undo what had been done but I did let her know that I was selective about who I told and I think she got the message. As an aside though...all comments so far have been positive so that's at least a good thing.

[LapBandit2013 162]

For some reason, weight loss surgery is a really hard secret to keep. If I had known how many people would find out from just telling my mom and mother-in-law, I wouldn't have told anyone at all. In retrospect, I am okay with how many people know about it, but I was so embarrassed at first. I told about a handful of close friends and family members (like 5 people) and now my entire extended family knows, though my friends have been better about keeping it to themselves.

My advice - if you want to control how many people know about your surgery, then TELL NO ONE.

[aviva1979 375]

thanks for all the replies - i really appreciate it. clearly the TELL NO ONE option isn't available to me at this point, but on the whole, i've gotten almost nothing but support from the people i've been candid with. my friend is actually coming to visit this weekend so i think that's also why it's been on my mind so much. i'm just going to tell him that i was a little taken aback to get the msg from his boyfriend that i did - and while i appreciate that it was positive and i know they both support me, it's really important to me that I can tell people how and when I want, and i'd appreciate their support in keeping this matter private. we'll see where the convo goes from there - but i think that will be enough to let him know i didn't love what happened, and can reinforce the main msg.

it has been helpful seeing your replies to remind myself that 1) this will happen again, and 2) i'm pretty lucky that so far it's been positive and supportive. appreciate you all!

[heather316 72]

What I have learnt over the years that if you tell something to a person who has a significant other, the other one will know about it, for sure. This is how couples work, they just cannot keep any news from each other. I have experienced it many time (of course there could be outliers but I have never met any yet). From now on it is safe to assume that if you tell something to a couple the news will be shared right away... I am sorry!!

[mrsto 2,925]

What I have learnt over the years that if you tell something to a person who has a significant other, the other one will know about it, for sure. This is how couples work, they just cannot keep any news from each other. I have experienced it many time (of course there could be outliers but I have never met any yet). From now on it is safe to assume that if you tell something to a couple the news will be shared right away... I am sorry!!

Heather - I agree (for the most part). At the same time, if a partner chooses to tell their significant other, they should also advise them to keep it to themselves. I know that when I tell my friends certain things (private), that it's a good chance that their husband/boyfriend knows. But never has anyone's partner said something to me, as if it was open knowledge. I think in Aviva's situation, that's the issue. Thank goodness that the response was positive, because that could have gone either way. If negative, there would probably have been a whole OTHER layer of discontent.

[SashaWLS 412]

This happened to me… The best way that I've been able since to explain to people that it is a secret, is not to say that it is "secret".. Somehow when I tell people it's a secret, they argue with me about if I need to feel embarrassed, or if they think its worth being a secret...

I've had much better success saying that I absolutely, without any question, do NOT want to talk about this with anybody! I asked to please not tell anyone because NO ONE has my permission to randomly discuss my weight or body with me.

[7-15-13 6]

I have a good friend who was banded about a year and a half ago. She did excellent - got to her goal weight in a little over a year, but still has refused to tell anyone . I just decided to be upfront and tell my close friends who have been very supportive. I just figured it would be easier then making up reasons to explain the weight loss later. It isn't a secret that I'm morbidly obese - I'm sure people noticed, so I just decided to be upfront about it. I'm on the pre op diet and have 10 days to go - cant wait. Anyone else going on July 15th???

[Karen WS 78]

I have not kept this a secret at all. I have told everyone and you would be amazed how much support I have. A few of my friends are even doing the pre- op diet with me. I am in the wine business which goes right along with food. I attend many dinners where I now be ordering broiled fish, vegetables and will not be tasting the wine with my meals. It was pretty much a necessity to share, but even if it wasn't I still would have. I am proud that I m in this journey.