How do you deal with friends who aren't supportive?

[Nurse_B 270]

I have a question for those of you who have had to deal with friends reacting negatively about the band. How do you deal with it? I have a VERY close friend, and although she says she supports my decision, she hasn't been exactly supportive. She is concerned that I am giving up on diet and exercise on my own, and that I am making a quick decision. The thing is, and I have told her this, I have been contemplating this decision for a very long time. Now whenever we speak, she is telling me what I could do instead of surgery, and trying to basically scare me out of my decision. I don't want to lose a friendship over this, but she is stressing me out!!

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

Be honest with her. Tell her gently but firmly you appreciate her concern but this is your life and your decision. You have done your homework and you know what you're doing and you need her to either be supportive or be silent.

And remember, you don't owe anyone any explanations for your decision. You have nothing to prove and don't have to justify your decision to anyone.

Best wishes.

[beanie80 146]

I think you need to sit her down and ask her why she can't be supportive. I have found that when the people closest to us get scared for us, they can become unsupportive. I'm guessing she is worried and doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. You can always share with her the really low mortality rate with the band and the fact that you already are having medical issues which can kill you if you don't get this disease under control. Is she a big girl? maybe she doesn't want to lose her eating partner....

[Bandashoop 31]

I think she will be completely supportive when you drop all that weight. Or, if she is also a large person, she is going to be very jealous! Either way, if she is a really good friend, like Missy said, be firm and let her know that although she may not agree, she could keep it to herself. You might let her know, that you have heard her side now, and she doesn't really need to continue to push the issue.

Something else i thought of, if she is also a larger person, she may already be jealous of your movements to make a better you, who knows. Best of luck in getting it all ironed out.

[Nurse_B 270]

Thanks guys, all great advice. She is a big girl also. She just had a baby a year ago but hasn't lost the weight. She has had liposuction in the past so you think she would understand. I think there is an element of jealousy there, and I hate to even think that. I made the decision when I decided to get the lap band it was my decision and no one else was going to sway me. I just wish she could be there for me, she usually is the friend that is so understanding.

[TattooBeauty 47]

I would suggest having a sit down with her and seriously talking about it.... I didn't share with my family or friends that I was having this done, for that reason. But now my best friend of 6 years wont talk to me because I've lost weight. I don't want this to happen to anyone else, this journey is hard enough, period, let alone with the people you need the most making it harder on you.

[Deed2u 26]

When she starts to notice that you are losing weight and looking and feeling better...she will get it. Just wait... keep telling her and anyone else that you did it for YOU. It is not the easy way out... we want to eat all the bad foods and cant... if you ask me... having the band is a mind game... you have to tell yourself that you are worth losing weight and you deserve the band to help you do it. My daughter has been so negative, but now that she sees me lose weight and feel better about myself she is happy for me.

[suzannetex 100]

I agree with others thinking its jealousy. I too have a few friends who are very unsupportive. And everyone of them are heavy,,,sad to say but it's true!!! Sometimes with friends like that we don't need enemies!!

[Nurse_B 270]

I'm going to sit down and talk with her. I don't want this to be an issue, but I want her to understand this is a huge life change and if she is going to be around, she needs to be on board. It's sad, but I do think it has to do with jealousy a little bit too, as many of you have said. I know how it feels, I'm happy for people when they lose weight, but I also wish that for myself. I feel bad I feel that way, but I do get it!

[catfish87 3,471]

Simple....kick em to the curb! This is your life......enjoy it!

[lilmispcl 298]

I actually have been dealing with this same issue. I have a friend who was even considering the surgery for herself but couldn't afford it so she ended up doing a medically supervised diet and when I told her I was considering lapband she would tell me I should do what she is doing. I told her I have no intention of doing another "diet" I need more than that and I didn't want to eat powdered eggs. Anyway, I was banded almost 3 months ago and she has never asked me how I am doing or anything. We always used to share how were doing in regard to our weightloss because we have always struggled together. I still continue to ask her but she has not once asked me how I am. It hurts but what can u do? U can't expect someone to behave how u would or u will just be let down. I still care about her and I do want to know about her successes and struggles and for whatever reason she can't deal with mine right now I just have to accept it. I won't stop being her friend because of it. I just pray that she works thru whatever it is that is making her behave differently.

[donna12 742]

I agree with everyone here and can't say much more but will add this, I lost a good friend over my surgery, had known her for 20 yrs, we were best friends. She too had weight problems. Hadn't spoken to her in a year until I saw her at Target last Sunday and ran into her so she was forced to say something to me, she looked a little embarrassed that she hadn't spoken to me but we talked and she had a lot of issues going on in her life and told me that her eating had gotten out of control and yes she had gained weight, she did tell me I looked great, I thanked her, we hugged and I told her I'd be praying for her family as like I said she had had some serious family illnesses so maybe we have a future, who knows. We'll see. But keep in mind, you are doing this for yourself and your future and your health.

[Debbie3sons 1,936]

She ur friend had Lipo so what the , u r just trying to help ur self but don't do it for anyone else she should now how it goes since she had lipo ur just going to do this to help u medically and phiscally also after we lose the weight that we have tried on diet after diet or what ever methods we have tried & failed we just need a bit more help and some of us banders do get a nip tuc or whatever we need and some don't but what you thin is best for u is what u should do not for anyone else and as u see on here u get support also as ur doctor about support groups in ur area that u might b able to attend cause u not alone, lots of help and support here.

[srussell8 111]

I have a cousin who is also very large and we were best friends for many years. We were both single, so we were in the same place in life. We were also eating partners. When I decided to have WLS, she pulled away. I lost the weight and she pretty much could not deal with being around me. I began dating and got married. Although we had been best friends for nearly 15 years, she chose not to come to my wedding and be happy for me. Right after the wedding, I ran into her at Target and she was pretty much stuck with acknowledging me. She has never met my kids and has not spoken to me since that day in Target over 5 years ago. I have actually been thinking a lot about her lately.

Jealousy is an ugly thing. I think there is also an element of shame. Before I lost weight, I knew exactly what my lifestyle was doing to me. But as long as I stayed with others who endorsed that lifestyle, I could continue to put the blame for my loneliness and isolation on all those shallow people out there who couldn't see past my weight. And I didn't have to make any effort. And I could do what I wanted without regard to consequences.

My lifestyle change was much more than just losing weight. It was taking responsibility for my life and my circumstances. It was deciding that I would do the hard thing whether it was hard or not. It was refusing to place my happiness in the hands of other people. It was trading immediate gratification for long-term success. That's why she could no longer be my friend. She did not want to make the same kind of lifestyle changes and we therefore no longer had anything to base the friendship on. I truly believe that this journey fundamentally changes you. It must, if you are to be successful. We simply can't think about life, food, and happiness in the same way anymore. As I've said before, I really believe the weight loss is an awesome side effect of the life changes I've made. And when I reverted to my old ways of thinking and living, I began to gain the weight back.

It's really very sad and I do mourn the loss. I'm also sad for her because she remains stuck and I know what a miserable place it is, because I spent many years there. I know she feels I abandoned her and resents me for it. Not to sound selfish, but this journey is not about her - it's about me.

Some people are going to be able to accept your new life and join you on the adventure - and some won't. The ones who won't probably won't even realize why. Your choice is to either stay where you are to make sure no one feels bad or to assume responsibility for your life and let them take responsibility for theirs.

[Nurse_B 270]

srussell8 thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you, it's hard to make changes for the better and get on a different path, especially knowing that some will not be joining you on it. I know in life there are times we move on and grow apart, it's just sad when it's over a change that is necessary for us to become healthy. I truly hope my friend understands once the surgery is over. Ever since I posted on here, I have tried to be firm with her in telling her this is my decision and I understand your concern but her support is needed more. She says she understands, yet scrutinizes my food choices, and exercise habits. She says she is concerned because I have failed so many times and given up, what makes this different? When I explain why it's different and why this is GOING to work because failure isn't a choice here, she shrugs me off like she doesn't believe me. We have been on a cool down for a few days, and frankly I just don't discuss this with her if she brings it up. My hope is that she has a more understanding outlook once the surgery takes place. If not, I have to be willing to walk away from things that are only holding me back in a unhealthy lifestyle. It's sad, but this is going to happen whether she is there or not. I am just very thankful my parents, siblings, and co workers are being supportive at this point. I hope for you one day when she sees the light she reaches out to you to help her in her journey. It's a very sad feeling to be cut off from someone who once meant so much to you.