Miserable inside.

[NYC1992 135]

I don't know how to lie (which does backfire at times even though I'm never malicious) so I had to come here and just admit something...

I was banded almost 2 weeks ago on May 6 (a Monday). I just turned 21 the week before and I think I am just too young to go through such a life change. I completely (I mean I was eating up until the night before my surgery) FAILED on my 2 week pre-op diet. I was so afraid to let go of the foods I loved and, though I have followed every requirement post surgery (10 days liquids, now on day 3 of mushy/pureed foods), I am just miserable inside. It is very likely when I check the scale in the morning I will have lost 30 lbs, and I am proud of it, but I don't think I had the right motivations going into this. Sure I would like to feel healthier, but it was much more that I feel so ugly on the outside to the point where I do not allow any non-face only pictures to be taken.

I do want to lose weight and I know it is good for me, but with the lap band I truly did not realize that it would force me to give up a lot of what made me happy in life. The fact that I can literally never have my favorite food ever again (Chinese Fried Rice) and probably other foods too is something I am so regretful of with having this surgery. I have a nauseous appetite (at times now I only want water; the THOUGHT of other stuff even drinks makes my mouth have the nauseous feeling), only go the d-word in my BMs (though Imodium does work), and have spasm pains near my port and on the other side of my belly throughout the days that the nurse couldn't figure out because the mandatory esophagram showed nothing wrong in my body.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what to do. I'd do ANYTHING to go into a restaurant, to be able to order food again and be able to enjoy stuff still with the intention of being healthier with my choices. When I pass by a restaurant outside, I automatically sigh... and I watch a ton of cooking videos of foods I miss on YouTube. The therapist I went to for my psych evaluation should've failed me I feel so stupid even though I've come so far.

Thanks for listening and would appreciate any advice.

-Mark

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

Hi Mark.

First, depression is very natural after surgery. The chemicals in the anesthetic really effect some people. I know they do me big time. The physical issues you're dealing with will subside, too. You're only a week post op and your body has been through an awful lot but I promise you in a very short time you'll be feeling great again.

You talk about never having what you love again. Why would you think that? The only thing you "can't" have is carbonation. Otherwise, there is nothing you can't have in moderation once you're back on normal food and past your post op diet. In fact, I just had chicken fried rice for dinner tonight. I eat out at restaurants fairly often, too.

I believe living with the band is all about moderation not deprivation. If someone told me I could never have Chinese food, or pizza, or even Pasta again I'd never make it. If I feel deprived, it's like a trigger for me to binge and go nuts. I allow myself to eat what I want, I just don't eat unhealthy food daily and when I do am careful to track my calories so I still stay in my daily allowance. But I still eat everything I love, I just eat much less of it.

If I were you, I'd seriously consider counseling. Food addiction is very real and very difficult to deal with. A good counselor (or even a good support group) can help so much. There's a saying around here "the band goes around your stomach, not your head". The band will help you control hunger beautifully but it can't change your mental/emotional issues with food.

You can do this, Mark. You just have to look at it realistic (moderation not deprivation), focus on your future (how healthy you'll be), and get your head into the game (counseling).

Don't give up. You got this.

Best wishes.

[TheDuchess 106]

I've had to deal with a lot of depression in my life, and while I'm not banded I think I can relate in some of the thoughts you're having. I worry about these things also - favorite foods - or wanting to finish my meals, that sort of thing. We give too much power to food, we can allow it to dictate our emotions far too much.

When it comes to depression I believe a lot of what's going on is when we don't feel like we are in control, and in this instance you're focusing on the things you feel you're not in control of - but you are! This isn't the sleeve or the bypass, this is the band! It is your tool, and I think it'd be best if you took control of your weight loss, or you'll forever feel as though you're being screwed out of all the things that make you happy, as well as being robbed of this personal victory.

I'll pray for you to be able to find peace and proper focus in this - this is your life, and at 21 it's just beginning! You set the mood for it, take control <3

[NYC1992 135]

Thank you both for replying quickly

@Mis73 -

To answer your question about why I think I can't ever have it again, it's due to the horror stories I hear about how white rice isn't allowed or doughy bread, etc.... and I will say that the approach at NYU is fairly superficial; many of the people working there are very, very skinny (like the nutritionists for example who are model-thin and they're telling you all the things you can no longer do and then show you the portion sizes and you're just in disbelief) and it just messes with your confidence.

I do go to a therapist already (have been for a year and a half) but I haven't seen her post-op so I will definitely bring it up once I do. About the restaurant thing - what I meant (which I realize wasn't so clear) was in this liquid then mushy stage, there's not much I can eat and I am counting down the days until solids.

And my issue has always been my choices of food - I rarely ever finished a full meal pre-op.

@TheDuchess - first off, I love your username thank you for the encouragement!

[kca1fan 326]

Hang in there it will get better. Who says you can never have fried rice again? I am 3 months out of surgery and have been able to eat anything I wanted to. I have had 4 fills and with the last one just found my one and only non band food. Subway flatbread. I can eat rice just fine although I have chosen to have a very carb restricted diet. I eat bread and potatoes once a week rice and Pasta once a month. the main difference is when I have my fried rice I don't eat the whole order plus whatever dad leaves. It really will be worth it.

[donna12 742]

Dear Mark, listen to Missy, please! I am 11 mos post op and I feel you! I am unable to eat chinese fried rice because it gets stuck and I will be the first to admit I miss it terribly, that never leaves me. I miss bread too like crazy but I'm able to eat toast. Tonight for dinner my mom suggested I eat a small tortilla with turkey and cheese inside and think of it like a sandwich so that's what I had and it was GREAT! I heated or steamed the tortilla in the microwave and added the other stuff and never felt deprived. Now back to rice, I can eat at Longhorn and order the Salmon that comes on a bed of rice and eat tiny bites of their rice without getting stuck so it depends on the kind of rice with me. My surgeon says this "I don't want you to feel deprived, eat what ever you ate before only in moderation" with that said I have modified my eating habits to a healthy diet of fish and chicken and veggies, fresh fruits etc but ever so often I will eat a piece of my fav pizza. Tonight I had a cookie for dessert. I also keep Skinny cow brand candy in the house to keep me sane, I don't eat it every day but I will eat it when I crave chocolate and their ice cream is great too. My eating issues with head hunger is awful, I will be the first to admit, I feel your pain, there are times I still mourn food still 11 months out and cry that oh poor me but I chose this path to be healthy and thinner for a reason and yes I'm much older than you, I'm 47 but there are goals in life I wanted to achieve, I want to run a 5K, I want to zip line, I want to fly on an airplane and not take up a seat and half and have a belt extension, just to name a few. I'm down 67 lbs so far and feel like a million bucks already, and would do this a million times over. I am and I stress this to you, seeking help with a therapist right now for my eating issues and why I want to eat the things I want to eat. I just recently posted a post of a confession and believe me it was hard to tell everyone this but I live with my elderly mom but everytime she takes a shower at night I found myself creeping to the pantry and shoving food in, anything. I was closet eating. I finally fessed up to her and now we just sit and talk while taking her shower, kind of like I'm in jail, lol. Yes we are very close, best of friends. She's my biggest cheerleader in all of this. I do think in time it will get better for you, you are grieving foods right now and we all go thru it. Please seek professional help like me and get to the bottom of why we overeat or got us to the point of having the surgery. I wish you luck and give you many cyber hugs.

Donna

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

Thank you both for replying quickly

@Mis73 -

To answer your question about why I think I can't ever have it again, it's due to the horror stories I hear about how white rice isn't allowed or doughy bread, etc.... and I will say that the approach at NYU is fairly superficial; many of the people working there are very, very skinny (like the nutritionists for example who are model-thin and they're telling you all the things you can no longer do and then show you the portion sizes and you're just in disbelief) and it just messes with your confidence.

I do go to a therapist already (have been for a year and a half) but I haven't seen her post-op so I will definitely bring it up once I do. About the restaurant thing - what I meant (which I realize wasn't so clear) was in this liquid then mushy stage, there's not much I can eat and I am counting down the days until solids.

And my issue has always been my choices of food - I rarely ever finished a full meal pre-op.

I know some people do have issues with certain foods but there's no guarantee you will. Plus, how tight or how loose your band ends up is completely up to you. Personally, there is nothing I can't eat if I chew thoroughly and take small bites. Don't let the horror stories scare you- you're in control of this.

As far as the portion sizes, I know right now it seems impossible but a cup sized portion will seem giant to you once you have adequate Fluid in your band. I never thought it was possible either, but it's true. Very often I don't even finish a cup of food because I'm just not hungry enough.

Believe in yourself, you got this

[ksaug21 81]

The emotions you are having are completely normal, especially 2 weeks out of surgery. I'll be 3 weeks out on Monday and believe me there are ups and downs and emotions running wild! What you are feeling is so normal. You are still healing from the surgery and when I tell you it gets better, even just being 1 week ahead of you I mean it. I'm eating a lot more now than I was and trying out different foods. There are a lot of healthy recipes online that you can search for, in particular fried rice that you might want to make yourself when you can and try how you like it. You went through the surgery for a reason and remember that. Don't get down on yourself and definitely see your therapist to talk things out.

We're all here for you.

[gowalking 10,790]

Thank you both for replying quickly

@Mis73 -

To answer your question about why I think I can't ever have it again, it's due to the horror stories I hear about how white rice isn't allowed or doughy bread, etc.... and I will say that the approach at NYU is fairly superficial; many of the people working there are very, very skinny (like the nutritionists for example who are model-thin and they're telling you all the things you can no longer do and then show you the portion sizes and you're just in disbelief) and it just messes with your confidence.

I do go to a therapist already (have been for a year and a half) but I haven't seen her post-op so I will definitely bring it up once I do. About the restaurant thing - what I meant (which I realize wasn't so clear) was in this liquid then mushy stage, there's not much I can eat and I am counting down the days until solids.

And my issue has always been my choices of food - I rarely ever finished a full meal pre-op.

@TheDuchess - first off, I love your username thank you for the encouragement!

You got some great advice Mark. Everyone is rooting for you.

And I know just what you mean about all the skinny b*****s in the office. Despina and Shannon do look like models and the info they provided was minimal. I got more information and insight on this forum than anything coming out of the office. For gosh sakes...have you seen how skinny Dr. Ren is too? How much do you want to bet it's not just Dr. Fielding who has a band.

Just keep going to the therapist, stay on this forum, go to the support group at NYU or meet up with us as soon as we get it going. Dani and I are going to set something up next month. Go on our 'Hi' thread to talk with the other NYC folks. We're all in the same boat as you are. Oh...and I saw your post about being on the Eastside, and not UW. Sorry about that...LOL.

Please don't think you won't be able to eat your favorite foods again. I can eat anything. I am learning to just eat less of it and most of the time, I can do it just fine. Plus you will learn to enjoy different foods. I go out to dinner at least once or twice a week and I've found out that fish is absolutely delicious. I went to a restaurant in the West Village the other day and had something called Monkfish. It was wonderful. I made the decision to eat that and not the short rib fettuccine (which is what I would have eaten pre-band) and I felt so good about my decision and was so pleasantly surprised at how good the fish was.

Hang in there....you will be so happy with yourself as you see the transformation. It will be better than the happy you feel when you eat more than is healthy for you. I promise!

Liz

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,721]

you got great advice from miss and donna and duchess and kc

the band or any wls wont stop you from eating anything

the band will help you eat less.....that is how i understand it to work..and

i speak from my experience only

that being said, you can eat what you want but there are better options

nothing is off limits...you are not on a diet..you wanna go to a restaurant, go

no where have i saw where you cant go...just pick and choose

instead of saying i cant have this and i cant have that and what if that and what if that, how about say i can, i will and i do...you say you want to lose weight, then do it.. you lost 30 pounds so you know what to do

eat your allotted amounts, drink alot

and remember 3500 calories is a pound..ate or drank

if you take in more cals than you burn off, we gain, its simple

but unless you truly want it, it wont happen, no matter what wls one gets

i know this to be true...i was over 300 and eating and stuffing my face and saying i wanna lose weight..but until i finally (took responsibility) nothing would happen.

the band will help...you help it..

i believe in you, even if you dont believe in yourself.

[Spaness2012 609]

Dearest Mark..........I cannot add much more to what the others are saying but it's all true. As bad and miserable as you feel right now, things do get better, I promise. If I could reach out and hug you...I would. Be kind to yourself during these rough weeks and have some patience. Come here often as it does help! xoxox

[Creekwood 702]

You have got a TON of great advice from everyone on here!!! One thing I can add is STOP STOP STOP watching cooking videos of foods you miss on YouTube!!!!!! That's pure torture!!!! That's like a recovering alcohol sitting at a bar watching everyone enjoying alcohol. It's torture and could lead to using bad judgment with food!

[mrsto 2,925]

Mark - there is so much I want to say. Your post struck a chord with so many of us, and you've gotten many great responses.

Like others above, I just want to HUG you! I completely understand how you feel, and want you to know that what you are feeling today, isn't what you'll be feeling in a few more weeks.

I've written and deleted my response numerous times this morning. Your struggles at the young age of 21, really press a button. I can't add much to the wealth of information and insight above. But I just want to say that life is so precious. I wasted SO MUCH of it hating who I was, who I saw in the mirror, and how I let that cripple me from doing the things I wanted to do. SO much wasted time and energy with this addiction. Please don't let that happen to you. You deserve to have the life you were meant to live. If you can get a handle on this now, you will enjoy so much more of what life has to offer, ASIDE from food. And believe me, there is so much.

Mark, you will find your way with this. Right now you are in the worst part. The diet progression made me gag as well, and the thought of one more Protein shake made me crawl out of my own skin. But it's only temporary, and a very small price to pay for the reward of "traveling light" through the coming years. Try & focus on what it will feel like to wake up and face each day feeling GOOD about yourself.

I'm really glad that you're in therapy, and think it's the best thing for you, now. And I have to say, from your post, you sound like a guy with a good head on your shoulders. This is not an easy venture, but I believe that once you get past the "beginnings", you will move toward, and have the life you yearn for. During this time, please try & focus on what you will have, and not so much on what you're giving up. It will never be perfect, but it can be damn good

[mrsto 2,925]

You have got a TON of great advice from everyone on here!!! One thing I can add is STOP STOP STOP watching cooking videos of foods you miss on YouTube!!!!!! That's pure torture!!!! That's like a recovering alcohol sitting at a bar watching everyone enjoying alcohol. It's torture and could lead to using bad judgment with food!

OMG - this is so so true!! Yesterday, while I was in the waiting room for an appointment, I picked up a copy of Bonappetit. BIG mistake, but there wasn't much else of interest to pick from. I also used to sit down with my lunch & watch The Chew (on at noon here in SoCal). Well, I stopped doing that, too. Too much temptation, and gets the appetite juices flowing. Just what I don't need!

[NYC1992 135]

Ahhhhh all the positive responses full of encouragement really is overwhelming to see in the BEST way possible! Thank you ALL for taking time to help me through this... I can't put to words how much it means to me. I think the best lesson I can take away from everything is that I have to enjoy myself throughout my journey and realize that this decision is not an end-all-happiness thing.

Sending my best to you all... I feel motivated and proud of my choice again