Question for those who have kids 12 or over

[Tawnya777 106]

Hello - I'm wondering if those of you who have slightly older kids are telling them about your surgery? My daughters' date=' aged 12 and 13 both know I am having "a surgery", but don't know the details. Neither of them have weight problems, but I have also raised them to be sensitive to other people's sizes (not to mention other things of course). It's difficult with girls as I don't want them to start worrying about their weights. Another factor is that I am pretty adamant about keeping my surgery secret, and I am worried about my secret getting out if I tell them as I am friends with several mothers of their friends. I don't think they would tell deliberately, but you know how things can just slip out in passing with kids (even as an adult that can happen).

Have you told your kids? Told them to keep it a secret? I just really don't know quite what to do here so thought I would seek the opinions of those wiser than me <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />[/quote']

I have a 15, 12, and 2 year old. I told my daughters who are the 15 and 12 year old. They are supportive of whatever decision I made. They really don't want me to have surgery, because they are scared of complications, but they are a big help with helping me through this journey. I have already told my husband and kids that I don't want them to tell anyone that I have had weight loss unless I say it's ok to and they respect that. Just tell your kids how you feel and I'm sure they would not tell anyone and would respect your decision.

[Chris_tina83 37]

I told my daughter, who is 9 years old. She told everyone she came in contact with!! My surgery is not a secret, most all people know, but she would make me upset when she would just blurt it out, out of nowhere. I know she's excited about me losing weight, and she says she's gonna eat what I eat and be healthy too (she is extremely thin) but I told her to stop talking about it, only to her aunt and cousins if she wanted to, she hasn't mentioned it anymore

[cat whisperer 127]

thank you for your replies, everyone... there are many different approaches to this, obviously!

I still haven't completely decided what to do - I do trust my kids and in some ways do want to tell - my older daughter just talks SO MUCH and I just think she might give out details that might let someone guess. On the other hand, as many of you have said, I am sure they will notice a big change in my eating. I do like the idea of just saying I'm on a strict diet, though as Banjo mentioned - then it isn't a lie as I don't want to do that either!! I think I may play it by ear... see if they ask lots of questions and deal with it then.

Again, as Banjo said, I wish there was not such a stigma about having wls.

good luck to everyone - I appreciate you sharing your own experiences!

[Kitt3000 757]

I trusted my kids with a personal situation also, there was no discussion of it at the time, but once they were teens/ young adults, they offered the information to everyone! When I asked why, they did not remember years later that it was my privacy, they thought everyone knew. I am not making that mistake again! lOL!

[parisshel 1,892]

My girls (15 and 17) have known from my very first consultation. The younger one was scared something would happen to my during the surgery so we talked a lot about that, using facts, statistics and comparing the risk of surgery with the risk of mom staying fat.

I'm 5 weeks postop and my kids are teenagers, so the world turns around them and they don't even remark on my eating habits except to complain that I eat too slowly. They do remark that it looks like I've lost some weight, which is nice. But otherwise it's no big thing for them.

I'm open with everyone now about my Lapband, so my children knowing about it and possibly talking to others about it is not an issue for me.

I would consider the above advice, however, about what you want to teach your kids about honesty and owning your decisions. For me, keeping this a secret would cast a spell of "shame" on the whole thing (secrets = something we are ashamed of) and I want my kids to look at my decision to take back my health and look better as something positive, not something shameful. There is absolutely no shame in having WLS. Au contraire!

[sherylkay 23]

After reading everyone's comments I understand the pros and cons about telling your children or not telling your children. I do agree with telling your children that way you are not hiding your shame but on the other hand I do agree with not saying anything to a certain point. I think I have made up my mind by reading everyone's decisions that I have decided to tell my children and let them know what exactly is going on with their mother. I just don't think it's anyone else's business but our family. Thank you very much for all of your concerns and helping me decide what to do in this situation thank you.

[sherylkay 23]

Hi I have read everyone's posts am I have finally decided that I will tell my four children and let them know what is going on with me but I also would love to have them understand that this is our privacy and our privacy only I'm nobody else's.

[PrettyThick1 1,860]

Hello - I'm wondering if those of you who have slightly older kids are telling them about your surgery? My daughters, aged 12 and 13 both know I am having "a surgery", but don't know the details. Neither of them have weight problems, but I have also raised them to be sensitive to other people's sizes (not to mention other things of course). It's difficult with girls as I don't want them to start worrying about their weights. Another factor is that I am pretty adamant about keeping my surgery secret, and I am worried about my secret getting out if I tell them as I am friends with several mothers of their friends. I don't think they would tell deliberately, but you know how things can just slip out in passing with kids (even as an adult that can happen).

Have you told your kids? Told them to keep it a secret? I just really don't know quite what to do here so thought I would seek the opinions of those wiser than me

I told my 14 year old, mainly because you just never know what could happen. She's pretty good about keeping our secrets, but I'm not keeping it a secret from anyone. I've told my family, friends and coworkers - I thought I'd get a lot of negative feedback, but that didn't deter me. To my surprise, I have more support than I need. My lifelong friend in Indiana and my brother in MIchigan both want to be here for my surgery - even though I told them it's an outpatient procedure.

I have to be honest with you when I say telling everyone was very liberating and it felt like a 10lb. weight had been lifted off of my shoulders when I did. A great feeling indeed. As a result, I have 3 friends who have decided to pursue the lapband and others who are just curious about the procedure. Tell your children and let them know that this is a family secret, but they should know. I grew up seeing the world through rose colored glasses - my parents shielded us from more than I think they should have. I know it made me a better person, but there were so many things I wasn't prepared for in life as a result.

[kbell2011 131]

Mine are younger, but old enough to tell something is different. I just told them that Mommy is going to work super hard to get skinnier and healthy. They thought it was cool as they grabbed my chubby tummy and assured me that it will go away. Haha. They won't know that j had surgery. If they notice, I will tell them I don't feel well. No biggie.

[The B 96]

I just had surgery 3 weeks ago and originally was not going to tell my kids ages 16, 13, 11, and 8 but my DH and I didn't think we would be able to hide it for sure either, plus we've taught our kids honesty and though there are certain things that kids don't need to be in the middle of we felt that at some point they would probably figure it out and we wanted them to not feel like we hadn't been honest. No one else knows not even my mom, and so far none of them have slipped up, I almost have. I really don't think I could have hidden this from them, we play and hug a lot and even with them knowing the first week I had to remind them several times to be careful that I couldn't be base, their shield or get big bear hugs around my tummy. plus I was really out of it the first and second day. everyone has to do what works best for their situation I'm sure you'll do great! Good Luck

[Jenn Andes 4]

I have two daughters ages 13 & 15. Both of my daughters know, I an proud of myself for making this decision. I have my consultation on the 16th. I have had to push it back due to daughter having surgery. My husband and girls are very supportive, along with the rest of my family. I am keeping it a secret at work though. There are few that know there I am not really afraid of the reactions from others.

[kazjim98 618]

All 4 of my children know, they are 7, 9 ,14 and 18. There was no reason at all for me to keep this a secret from them, I don't keep anything from them, they support me 100%. I don't care what anyone thinks about my having had the surgery, if you have something to say, "bring it" is what I say....If and when you tell your children I'm pretty sure they'll have a positive reaction to the information and keep it to themselves if you stress that that's what you want...Best Wishes

[Miki71 21]

Only my husband knows. My three kids (16, 14 & 13) think I went in for hernia repair, partially true as they did repair it when I was banded. Someone in this forum wrote be careful who you tell because once you say it you can't untell it. Maybe in time I will choose to tell my kids... time will tell.

[this sucks 557]

When I was banded in 2010, my kids were 9, 15 and 19. I told them all about my surgery and why I was having it done. My youngest had lots of questions in the beginning, but now that it's been almost three years, they all know the realities of my choice. I didn't tell them to burden them with too much knowledge, but rather chose to educate them about the honest causes of my obesity and the end result of needing WLS to get my life back.

I would hate for any of them to follow my example . Besides, I've always believed the old saying that "knowledge is power". If my honesty about obesity and WLS can prevent them from becoming obese and having body image issues, I will consider my job complete.

[cat whisperer 127]

Thank you so much, everyone, for the wonderful replies. I read each and every one of them - and it really helped to hear what others had done. I was going back and forth still about telling my daughters... well, finally I did decide to tell them. I have a very close relationship with them, and I ultimately felt that not telling them didn't make me feel very good. I know my younger daughter will not tell anyone for sure... I emphasized the importance of keeping it our family's business only (as sherylkay said above) to my older daughter - and I am pretty certain she got the idea. As she is a chatty girl I suppose I do run the risk of it slipping out - but I guess I will deal with that if it happens.

Good luck and best wishes to all of you