Marriage problems??

[sparkles502 22]

Has anyone else seen the bumps in their marriage while in this process? I haven't even had the band yet and I'm already seeing some changes...an overwhelming statistic of people end up getting divorced after weight loss surgery . This is supposed to be one of the best experiences in my life and I feel like now it's being overshadowed by me trying to compensate for his insecurity. I love him but, it's hurts me a little that he is acting this way

[michpell39 399]

I have been with my husband for almost 20 years ,I am not banded yet I have three months to go, but we have been through so much together that this doesn't even phase us he is supportive .I think its normal for people to be a little nervous when their partner is changing( will they still love me , find me attractive ect) talk it out see whats bothering him don't let it fester.

[Toddy 758]

I firmly believe if your marriage is strong before wls, it will continue to be strong... at least that has been my story.

If your marriage has problems before wls, it's most likely not going to improve after surgery. Just my humble opinion.

[KAATNS 1,473]

If you are having problems before, you will have them after. Trust me.

[sparkles502 22]

Ill try my best to stabilize before hand. Maybe he just needs reassurance right now :/

[Luka Beth 78]

Alot of it may be fear...fear that you may die from surgery complications, fear that you will lose weight and leave him, etc. If this is starting before you get your band then you may want to consider going for couples counseling so that you can talk about the changes that you and he will be making together.

I have been with my bf for six years, and as much as we love each other and i would never leave him, he has that insecurity that i will lose weight and leave him...much like i had the insecurity that he would leave me when i was so heavy and felt so ugly.We had to sit down and talk about it, and we are both more secure now.

You need you're partner to be supportive. This is a journey you will take together and to be successful, you both need to be on board.

I hope you area able to have an open and honest conversation with your partner so that you can go forward together.

Good luck!

[Wickedgirl7 4]

My husband and I have been married 13 years this July, he just had the sleeve done march 13th and I got the band April 3rd we r doing this together it is a life change for both of us either way...maybe involving him in your journey whether it be eating healthy together or working out together maybe he is the one that is having the fear of you leaving him out of your journey...but def you need communication or you will never know why..just ask him

[depressed_bandster 72]

I knew my husband wouldn't be supportive of me getting a lap band, so I didn't ask...I informed him I was going to do it. He was hung up on the stigma of the lap band, thought if I just worked out harder or dieted "right" I could lose the weight. This was coming from someone who has NEVER had a weight problem, except when he was body building he had trouble gaining weight!!! He looks like a freakin anatomy chart! Anyways, I told him I was going to do it, we didn't talk much about it, he was skeptical about it and all he knew was the awful things he had read online...the deaths, the throwing up, the problems people have with it. He was also skeptical it wouldn't work...."what if you go through the surgery and have this foreign object in you and it doesn't work?" I told him I had to try it....I was desperate & had to give it one more shot to lose weight & get healthy. He didn't understand how unhappy I was, no matter how many times I tried to explain it to him. You only understand "being fat misery" if you have been there. He thought it would be an easy way out & was embarrassed by it & didn't want anyone to know; didn't want me to tell anyone we mutually knew. With the exception of family, I honored his request.

After a few months & once he saw it was working & I started losing weight weekly, he would always ask every Tuesday (my weigh-in day) how much I had lost. He became my biggest cheerleader & supporter. Once he saw I actually had to work for it, watch what I ate and exercised my butt off (literally!), he respected the band a whole lot more. However he still wasn't ready to "go public." Me.....I tell everyone!! I've lost 90 pounds, I look & feel great & want to help everyone to be as happy as I am. I'd hand out cards to all fat people with my before & after pictures on it if I wasn't worried about offending someone and getting punched out!! If people just use the band like the tool it is, there isn't an easier way to lose weight!!!! Or healthier!! Anyways, I was asked to do a commercial for my lapband docs & asked him what he thought...he said he'd be embarrassed & didn't want his wife to be known as lapband woman. I said to him....look at me!!! If it didn't work there would be reason to be embarrassed, but it DID work and how I look today is thanks to the band!!! People aren't going to care how I lost the weight when they see how dang good I look!!! He agreed for me to do the commercial & when they sent me a rough draft of one of the cuts they're working on, I was soooo nervous!!! BUT...he loved it!!! He even sent to everyone!!! (And he wasn't suppose to, it wasn't suppose to be released to the public yet) He even told a waitress a couple weeks ago "she doesn't drink with her meals, she's banded". My daughter & I looked at each other and laughed.

I haven't had a problem with his self-esteem like you, but we did have problems bcuz I didn't feel supported by my best friend. I felt so alone. It was a rough journey those first few months not having his support. The more I talked to him about it, the better it got. I had to tell him I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR ME....and I had to do it whether he supported me or not....I HAD TO DO IT FOR ME!!!!

I'm sorry you are having to compensate for his insecurity & I understand how this is negatively effecting your relationship, but you need to stay the course and DO THIS FOR YOU YOU YOU!!! Try to get some counseling from a source you trust. Sometimes someone else can explain things to our loved ones differently than we can & can get them to understand. Maybe tthey can give you some advice about how to respond to him too!

Good luck!!

[sparkles502 22]

Wow what a great story!! I'm glad your hubby came around and is now so super proud of you. You deserve to have the support and he should be very very proud!!!! And there is noooooooo way I would back out this point. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if I backed out. I owe it to myself!! Idk I'm gonna stay optimistic and maintain communication. I don't think he would ever admit he is insecure and I'm not even 100% sure that's it. Maybe he is just uncertain. Hopefully it will turn around for us after and he sees there is nothing to worry about. I just know this is the absolute right thing for me right now and nothing will keep me from it u look amazing keep it up!!!

[Terry Poperszky 2,784]

Not having any problems, but if I may make some suggestions from someone with a failed marriage and a successful one. As you lose weight with your band, you are going to uncover things on your body that the fat covered up, for instance I have ribs now, and my wife was commenting on how she could see the muscles in my legs.

The same thing is going to happen with your relationships. The weight loss is going to uncover insecurities and problems that you didn't realize were there. So, instead of being scared of the studies, be WARNED by the studies, open lines of communication, talk to each other about your fears, your hopes and your needs. If you need counseling, get it earlier rather than later.

Find out why he is insecure, while this may seem all about you, it really isn't. It is all about both of you. You are seeking to change a constant in your relationship, that may have your partner nervous for a variety of reason, but you need to work on this just like you work on your band. JMHO

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,721]

people get divorced all the time for various reasons....and those with and without lapbands marriage is hard and if there is problems before, there most likely will be problems after...if a person loves someone, they love them... period.

[peteypete 10]

Ill try my best to stabilize before hand. Maybe he just needs reassurance right now :/

[peteypete 10]

Thanks for your inspiring story. Do you have any pics to post.

[NiftyNinjanator 51]

I am just starting my lapband journey, but I have had a failed marriage journey that did have some weight prior/during/after. So let me say this. My self esteem was so low that I stayed with a man who treated me horribly, didn't respect me and didn't take care of himself much less his family. Losing weight (and some counseling, anti-depressants, etc) gave me the strength to realize (and do something about) the fact that he was dead weight that I was carrying around and that I deserved to be happy. I made my own happiness, still do.

Being overweight comes with a lot of self-esteem issues. Your husband may be afraid that once you start to gain self-esteem you will decide (realize) that you can do better and move on. Communication now and working through these things now can only strengthen your relationship. If you have no reason to dump him like he's a tumor eating away at your soul (I might be a little emo/dramatic), then likely he has nothing to worry about. If he 'knows' (whether just in his mind, or in reality) that you can do better, the fear will remain. I am not sure if this applies to your husband, but it was a huge deal with mine. When I started to love myself, I couldn't let him bring me down anymore. Talk now to cement the love and your relationship as all of the change happens. Build your new life with his support right there, don't let his fear rip you apart if you do not want it to.

[KAATNS 1,473]

mine. When I started to love myself, I couldn't let him bring me down anymore.

Couldn't agree more!