NOW What???

[DevilMayKare 1]

Okay, this is stupid, really stupid and I know it, but I am just SOOO SAD!!

I realized just how despairing I am when I opened up the LAST PTA letter from my son's high school and found myself balling my eyes out!

Arthur, my youngest, will be going away to college in Santa Cruz in September. My oldest will be graduating from there in June and looks like he'll have a job in Sacramento (I'm in SoCal). When Arthur got accepted at UCSC I felt so gratified that I'd succeeded in getting both my kids on their way. I worked very hard at being a good mother. (Despite all the guilt of divorcing their father.) But now that my mothering years are really over... NOW what?

I'm so lucky in so many ways, I love my house and my garden but I am not looking forward to living here all by myself. I haven't dated for over a year. I don't care what anyone says, in The OC it is damn hard to put yourself thru the rejection an overweight middle-aged woman has to go thru to meet someone compatible.

I've never felt so lonely and without purpose in my life.

Any single moms been thru this and have you any advice?

I know, Boo Hoo, poor me, poor me... guess I need some REAL problems to get my head on straight.

:violin:

(Thanks for letting me vent.)

[the best me 6]

I know, Boo Hoo, poor me, poor me... guess I need some REAL problems to get my head on straight.

Oh no, don't you borrow trouble, girly! That's enough major life-change to go through! I haven't even sent my youngest to preschool yet, so I'm totally not relating in that area of your life. But I DO think you are allowed to have a pity-party, for sure!!!! And I'm also thinking you won't be feeling "without purpose" for long. Now's the time to think back 20 years and remember your "to-do" list for life. Get started on some of those things...with the necessary adjustments a more mature woman brings with her. LOL I have no doubt you will be busy again soon. congrats on getting the boys raised up and well on their way. You rock, Mom!!! :rockon:

[Tricia K. 0]

Girlfriend, you've accomplished so much and I'm very proud of you. *BIG HUGS*

You should hold your head high and KNOW that you're a beautiful woman, inside and out. If any man in The OC can't see that, they're blind and dumb!!

[paula 4]

Awe Kare, ((hugs))

Ive often sat and thought of the day when my nest would be empty. It makes me so SO so so sad that I actually start crying.

That boy has been with you for 18 years. You have every right to be sad!

(((big BIG hugs)))

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Sweets, this is not a time for sadness or giving over to your own inner demons.

This is an AMAZING opportunity! You get to reinvent yourself! You've lived your life defining yourself as a mom, a care giver, one whose needs came behind the needs of others.

And now?? Look! You are there to take care of yourself! There are NO limitations. NOTHING is stopping you! You can be whatever YOU choose to be. It's a revolution! A never before and never again chance to take a look at what makes YOU happy! What are your passions? What are the things you put behind because you were very, very busy raising wonderful kids! What did you always want to be when you grew up? Be it now!!! That or something even better!!!

You've won the race! You've raised good kids! Now....what path are we going to take next?!

I can hardly wait to sit here and watch the Kare show. I've no doubt it will be AMAZING!!! You've got your LBT family here all dressed up in cheerleader suits (Big Paul needs to shave his legs tho...THAT's gonna be rough) and we are cheering you on!!!

Go girl! The world is yours!!!

[ralheit 0]

I felt the same way. But, I learned to start thinking of me (at least a little more). But today I have two beautiful grandchildren that make my life as full as it can be. I also remarried after 16 years of being on my own. The best thing is that because I had to be a single mom and work at getting my life and head together, I'm no longer defined as just a mom or wife. I've earned putting myself equal to everyone else. You'll find your way and just believe that you have a lot of great things to look forward to. Pamper yourself and look forward to this new chapter of your life.

["Just" Paul 1]

First off... you are the least middle-aged looking, middle aged woman I've ever seen.

Secondly, take advantage of the new "free" time. Join a club, take a class. There are "meet-up" groups on Yahoo for people with similar interests... just about anything. Use this time to really get into working out, jogging, biking, hiking. Buy an ATV, motorcycle... travel.

You've worked hard to raise successful kids... and from what you say, you've done a pretty darn good job. So now, it is Kare-time! Do for Kare. Think of the things you always wanted to do... and do them. Believe me, you'll make new friends easily, maybe even reconnect with old ones!

And, by the way, your parenting is not over, it will go on forever, it just takes new forms.

Big smiles and hugs.

[DevilMayKare 1]

Thanks for your kind words everybody. I guess I just have to figure this out. Since Arthur has been pretty independent for awhile I've already been pampering myself as much as anyone can enjoy.

What I really need is a project... just haven't had anything come to me lately. It's hard to be passionate just for the sake of the passion, but no doubt SOMETHING will come up.

[Mvpo8961 1]

HEE HEE HEE KARE you are blessed. You truly have freedom to pursue your dreams. I so look forward to when I have that time. My daughter will be in 10th grade next year. Congrats on a job well done. M:clap2:

Oh by the way what is the OC? M

[DevilMayKare 1]

You truly have freedom to pursue your dreams.

Oh by the way what is the OC? M

That's just the problem... I don't HAVE any dreams! I've already accomplished the ones I did have.

Including the main goal, which was raising my sons to fine, young men who will contribute to the world. Believe me I do feel very blessed by that--and proud of myself for all the times I did what was right for them, even when it was very difficult. I know they'll always need their mother, but they could make it just fine without me now.

Really, I'm a strong, proactive person. If I had a vision, I would go for it. Just do NOT have one!

This depression seems ridiculous even to me, but most of you are younger (I'm 50) and may find yourself at this place someday. There's nowhere else I can talk about this because most of my friends are still struggling w/ their teens--or with sick parents and I would be ashamed to even voice this self-absorbing complaint. In fact, I DO feel ashamed. So NOW I'm rudderless, lonely AND guilty!

:faint:

MV, "The OC" is Orange County, California. There's an insipid TV by the name-- and parts of it are all too real.

[Kat817 19]

Hi Kare, I have been through the empty nest syndrome, though not exactly in the order you did. I too was divorced, raised my daughter, working hard for her and with her to help her be as prepared for life as possible. I sent her off to college and found myself, all to my horror...ALONE!!! All of my friends had younger children, and still seemed to have school and sports things going on. Well I read, and ate. And I watched TV, and ate. I played cards online, and ate. I am sure you are getting the picture!! I think what finally saved my sanity was a local park project, they were wanting to revamp a park I used to take my daughter to when she was small, so I did something I NEVER usually do, and went to the meeting and got involved. And yes, I was the biggest person there, including the men, including all delivery men who happened upon the project etc. I was not interested in dating so that was a non issue. I enjoyed the work, was feeling excited about the park for the kids, I got an incredible tan (yes I know very bad for me!), and I made a whole new network of people I now confidantly refer to as friends. And through some of them I have met other people, and on and on it went. In my personal case, a man from my past come be-bopping back into my life and we have been extremely happy together for the last many years, married for 7 of them. And now my nest is no longer empty. At this time my daughter and her baby are with us as she regains her footing following her own divorce. And we have had my (I hate this word, and use it only for clarification purposes) step kids with us during summer breaks from school. But as badly as I had begun hating my empty nest, I now am incredibly thankful for that time, I met so many wonderful friends, and some of them were there for the same reason. I was recently helping move books from our old town library to the new one, when a man who I had been chatting with and working along side for a few hours, started telling me that he was there, because he divorced, and had come to the library looking for books on depression following divorce, and found them preparing for the move and got involved. You just never know who you will meet or where. Since you are divorced, maybe you can understand my take on how I felt about the loneliness. Yes a quiet house was lonely, but it was far less lonely than sitting in a house with my husband at the time, and we had nothing to say to one another, no caring, nothing, emptiness, extreme loneliness, the only emotion had been anger and hurt. It was far less lonely actually being alone than being that severed from someone you are supposed to loved and be loved by.

Whatever you do take it slow, I tried hurrying things along and met up with the worst mistake in my life, and met my 2nd husband who turned out to be very, very abusive. When I survived that one, I never thought twice, I began looking around through church and the local newspaper for things to get involved in. Good luck to you, my heart goes out to you as you feel the genuine panic of the moment. It too will pass, and you will come out the other side with a whole new dimension of yourself, and will be proud of having done so!

Kat

[gentlespirit 1]

Hi, Kare~

I'm in the same place as you except a little further along in the process. My sons are 25 and 27...one is a grad student and wants to go to medical school and the other is a senior in college hoping to get into pharmacy school. The empty nest thing is really hard to cope with when so much of your identity is tied up with being a mother. I know my kids still need me, but it's not in the same way anymore, and I went through a grieving for the "feeling needed" that I don't have anymore. It really helped me to talk with a counselor...mine was also a divorced mom who raised 4 kids on her own. She was able to help me a lot.

You should be so proud that you have raised fine young men who are making their own way and building their own lives. I think that's the accomplishment I'm most proud of in my life, too. It's so amazing to see your kids turn into people you truly like besides loving them because they are your kids!

Have you thought about volunteering for some cause you are passionate about? I don't know what your interests are, but there is always a need for volunteers in child guardians/advocacy or hospice or adult literacy programs or...the list is endless. I still work full time so I don't have a lot of time but hope to get back into hospice volunteering when (IF) I ever retire.

Give yourself some time to readjust and think about how you want your life to be now that you have a little more freedom. And remember that they DO still need you, just differently.

Hugs~

Emily

[princess_n_thep 2]

Who says your mothering days have to be over??? You have obviously done a fantastic job with your boys, why not share that love with other children that need guidance and love? Foster parenting is a way that you can do that. Especially, there are a lot of older school age children that will never be adopted and need foster care. With foster care, you can limit what type of children you accept. So it isn't like you are going to get a delinquent but you can choose the "unwanted" category that just have crappy parents, but are really great kids. Why not try it???

[DevilMayKare 1]

Well I read, and ate. And I watched TV, and ate. I played cards online, and ate. I am sure you are getting the picture!!

Yep, that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I've got a few more months here, but I guess my next project is FINDING a project that interests me. Thanks for sharing your experience Kat and letting me know there's hope.

Jenna... good idea, but I'm not up for THAT! I have a friend who's taken in foster kids several times and oh boy is that difficult. She just fell in love with a girl she had 4 years and was getting her on her way to womanhood when the girl's ex-drug addict father decided he wanted her back and she HAD (even tho she sure didn't want to) to go live with him.

What a heartbreak. It isn't the kids I couldn't handle--it's the kids' parents. And the whole beurocracy... whoa nellie! I sure admire people who CAN contribute like that.