Boyfriend didnt agree with surgery

[katiedee 5]

My problem today is probably emotional a it is physical. My bf thought I was making 'the biggest regret of my life' and he did not support me at all. Mostly because I have lets say about 30-35 pounds to lose and therefore in his eyes I didint need surgery.

I did it anyway, after a lot of thinking and looking back on my weight struggles since I was 8 years old (I'm 35) and didn't want to live the next 35 Years the same.

So since the surgery i have been at my moms not far from where he lives. He has text me, but no phone call and no plan to visit. No I did say to him go on vacation cuz my recovery ain't gonna be pretty, but I'm feeling lonely and disconnected from him. I want to tell him to come, but then again I AM in rough shape, I am not myself and part of my doesn't want him to see me like this.

Would like to hear what u all have to say about this...

[hockeymother 178]

The people who love you will be there for you no matter what. If he loves you he should be there to see you through this even if he didn't agree with your decision. Ask him to come see you and take it from there. If he hesitates then you'll know where he stands. But first and foremost, now is the time to concentrate on you and your healing.

[line-dancer 810]

sounds like you are staying with your Mom only because he didn't agree not because he wouldn't help you out is that right? weight has a lot to do with your over all health and its with you forever and bf are often not ( I am a widow ) If your the one who left call him and have him come over if yout left cause he wastn nice then forget him, he wont support you in other life stuggles. I am surprised your doctor would do surgen for only 30-35 lbs to loss.good luck on everything

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

Oh honey, I can only be frank on this topic.

There's no such thing as shielding the ugly from our loved ones. I have been through so many surgeries and my husband has been apart of all of it (the decision process, the preop nerves, the postop pains and recovery). Many times it was his support that made it all manageable. I couldn't bare to think I'd have to hid any part of that process from him.

I understand your boyfriends concern about the surgery. Struggling with weight issues is difficult and unless you yourself struggle with it, it doesn't seem difficult to lose weight. But if you do and you know that this will just be a cyclic life endeavor, you need to do what is best for you.

I struggle with your boyfriend's lack of apathy and desire to care for you. This is not the time to be dealing with any added stressors. Makes me very concerned about how you two would deal with any future life issues you disagree on. I also struggle with your decision to push him away. I'm not sure how involved you are with your boyfriend, but your bf, your husband is your partner in life. They should never be pushed away nor shielded from your life or the life you share.

[CHEZNOEL 4,061]

He either gets it or he doesn't. I would give him the space to come around. If he doesn't you will soon be so gorgeous there will be plenty of replacement offers. Being healthy is the most important part of life and enjoying life. You made a decision for you, hooray. Now he can get on board or the train will eave the station.

[scratchibali 17]

As a man, these are the times most important to be supportive and helpful. Its a hard enough decision for ourselvs to make and our loved ones should be there for us. Glad your mom is there for you :-)

[mrsto 2,925]

I agree with all above. If your boyfriend is your partner, he needs to be a part of big decisions and changes in your life; the good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm wondering......how hard did you emphasize that you wanted him to stay away during this? Men don't tend to think about things the way women do. If you say "I don't want you there", then they stay away; they take the request at face value. Women, on the other hand, say one thing & really mean something else. What we (women) seem to want/think, is that even though I SAY I don't want you there, I want you to show that you really care by either...showing up anyway, sending flowers, call....SOMEthing. It's the whole Mars & Venus thing. Please understand, I'm not making excuses for your BF.....he does sound somewhat disconnected. That's something you may want to look at closer, as you become more healthy in yourself. But in a relationship, you DESERVE to have a partner that is connected to ALL parts of your life, as you are to his.

[Destined*Lady*D 90]

Ok, let me start by saying kudos to your mom for being there for you on your decision for your health and happiness.

As for your boyfriend, I would be curious to see how he act's towards you in the near future. This process is about you. Just as you feel you made the right choice with WLS, I'm sure that you will figure out what to do with this BF. Maybe he come around and maybe not. Your commitment to how you life after WLS is totally up to you.

Just remember, "We accept the love that we think we deserve." Cheers to all your future success and recovery.

[laurigee 545]

I said the same thing to my husband on my recent hysterectomy. He laughed at me, gave me a hug and kiss, and told me there was no way I was going to be in the hospital without him there. He knew my mom, sister, kids, and 2 sister-in-laws where there but it wasn't about them taking care of me, he wanted to!! A crappy, disappointing boyfriend makes an even worse husband!!! I wish girls would learn that before they get married! I hate to be blunt but if he has no empathy for you, your not his "forever"! Living with a person that does not put himself in your shoes will lead to a long life together of disappointment! It's not a trait you can instill into him. As a matter of fact, maybe he does have it, but not with you! Demand more for yourself, life is to short to try to turn Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right! Woman spend to much time trying to make a man understand what they need or expect from them. The right one will know exactly what you need or want without being reminded because they have taken the time to actually listen to you and listen to your needs, not just their own! This is my tough love speech! LOL

[countrygrl 175]

I said the same thing to my husband on my recent hysterectomy. He laughed at me' date=' gave me a hug and kiss, and told me there was no way I was going to be in the hospital without him there. He knew my mom, sister, kids, and 2 sister-in-laws where there but it wasn't about them taking care of me, he wanted to!! A crappy, disappointing boyfriend makes an even worse husband!!! I wish girls would learn that before they get married! I hate to be blunt but if he has no empathy for you, your not his "forever"! Living with a person that does not put himself in your shoes will lead to a long life together of disappointment! It's not a trait you can instill into him. As a matter of fact, maybe he does have it, but not with you! Demand more for yourself, life is to short to try to turn Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right! Woman spend to much time trying to make a man understand what they need or expect from them. The right one will know exactly what you need or want without being reminded because they have taken the time to actually listen to you and listen to your needs, not just their own! This is my tough love speech! LOL[/quote']

You are so right in every word of this it reminded me of something that I would say also and my husband Is the exact same way he is always right by my side even through the hysterectomy also am that was a tough surgery for me. It's hard to make young relationships these days see the things we know you gave great advice

[mrsto 2,925]

When I had my hysterectomy less than a year ago, my husband took a week off of work so he could stay close to me in case I needed anything. There is no way on earth that he would ever let me go through anything like this, without being right there with me.

Countrygrl - it's true what you say about young relationships. Without knowing everyone's personal dynamics, it's hard to understand why some settle for what they do. Each relationship is a learning experience, and hopefully some will learn that they deserve to have someone who is part of their life, and not just a casual bystander.

[dani_nyc 224]

I said the same thing to my husband on my recent hysterectomy. He laughed at me' date=' gave me a hug and kiss, and told me there was no way I was going to be in the hospital without him there. He knew my mom, sister, kids, and 2 sister-in-laws where there but it wasn't about them taking care of me, he wanted to!! A crappy, disappointing boyfriend makes an even worse husband!!! I wish girls would learn that before they get married! I hate to be blunt but if he has no empathy for you, your not his "forever"! Living with a person that does not put himself in your shoes will lead to a long life together of disappointment! It's not a trait you can instill into him. As a matter of fact, maybe he does have it, but not with you! Demand more for yourself, life is to short to try to turn Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right! Woman spend to much time trying to make a man understand what they need or expect from them. The right one will know exactly what you need or want without being reminded because they have taken the time to actually listen to you and listen to your needs, not just their own! This is my tough love speech! LOL[/quote']

Raw truth.. My husband stood by me through 3 surgeries in 3 years + cancer and married me in the process.. When it came to lapband surgery he wasn't thrilled but he put his thoughts aside and let me have mine.

[******** 397]

I know this is not the same thing but i figured it was similar so i posted here:

My bf is behind me 100% and knows its for health reasons..but what I am worried about is whether or not he will find me attractive later after weight loss. Attraction is a big part of a relationship whether people like to admit it or not. He says he loves me but he has always dated bigger women so im worried. What even worries me more is whether I will find myself attractive afterwards. I find myself beautiful now and am doing lapband for health reasons only. I'm worried about having no curves and it getting to my self esteem. Anyone else have this issue?

[mrsto 2,925]

I understand your fear. But I truly believe that if he loves YOU, then he will love a smaller version of you. The fact that you are doing something to make yourself healthier, is a positive, and makes you more attractive. Not because you'll be thinner, but an inner strength coming through.

When I met my husband 8 years ago, I was wearing a size 8. Little did he know that I was on my way up the scale; had already gained back 25 pounds of the 90 I had lost a few years earlier. I continued to gain, up to the size 20-22 I'm currently in. My husband loves me more today than ever; not because of my body, because he loves "me". I would hope that is the same for you.

You can STILL have curves and be thin :-) I think you will be beautiful

[******** 397]

Thank you for your words of encouragment. He has told me he would love me regardless because I told him this fear..it just scares me but thank u