Friends don't just understand...

[aeromech 202]

Going to be kinda blunt on this opinion....

All I have to say is that if your "friends" can't be happy for you deciding to live the rest of your life rather than die a slow painful death due to the complications of obesity..... Well, then they aren't "friends".

You need to sit them down and make it very clear to them how you feel and what your reasoning is behind getting the WLS. Either explaining the medical side or emotional or both, they need to understand. At this point you can sneek in that you want/need their support and don't care if you have to be with them while they eat. You will probably influence them for the better, people usually make better choices when around someone trying to be healthy.

If that doesn't work, go to local support groups for WLS and pick up a few new friends that know exactly what you are going through. There is a lot of common ground there we don't realize.

I too will have some type of problems with people close to me over the WLS stigma. I only hope I get supportive reactions from them.

Good luck!

[TEAM SASHA PINK 108]

Be open and upfront with them. If they are not understanding then its time to reevaluate your friendships...

Our support group is I think next Wednesday the 20th! At least for the time being surround yourself with a good support line..

Maybe they are jealous.. But maybe they are just uneducated on what your dealing with. Either way.. It's about you not them' date=' so don't let them make it about them![/quote']

Well said dani_nyc.

[Lose100 178]

Friends don't have to understand. You are the on making a life style change, not them. As long as they respect y eating changes and not try to temp me

[Karen85 16]

I am really not trying to be mean with this question but I have to ask: is there a hint of jealousy? I only told two friends about my surgery for a reason. One friend in particular I know would not have been supportive. If you have tried to express your frustrations, true friends will be understanding and willing to make adjustments. Is there a support group in your area? Maybe, until you can eat again, you need to surround yourself with people who know what you are going thought. If you need to chat, inbox me. You have a community of people of understand right here.

You are not being mean at all. It is sorta jealousy but most of all really really hurt. i feel jealous because we always all 3 of us hang out together and I feel like they are making excuses all of a sudden because everything is about food and 1 of them is on WW and she was saying what i am doing isn't right cause who goes without eating omg she will die. I was doing it for the safety of my surgery and post safety of my surgery. its not like i tried to starve myself for no reason. I told her that and she hasn't spoke to me since and mind you she post this all on Facebook so everyone can see.She went to the mall on saturday and made it seem like she went with Jenny my other close friend and she was never with her on saturday. She was with her sister. So I thought that was another messed up thing. She didn't even have the desincy to text me this. and My other close friend that the 3 of us are close friends I was in the middle of talking to her. We were having a convo texting and I told her just cause I can't eat doesn't mean we can get to together for like 2 hrs go window shopping and get coffee and i also told her, so if i was to be on a liquid diet for a whole year, we all wouldn't hang out? and she said ok karen look i am going to sleep gn. That was really hurtful cause I was talking to her telling her how I feel and she just ending the convo when we were still having it. Neither of them called me or text me since saturday.

[Karen85 16]

I guess I am lucky to be a guy! We could care less about eating in front of our friends who can't enjoy the same.

For instance I have a friend who can't eat cheese. So if we eat out with him my one friend goes out of his way to discuss how he can't imagine his life if he couldn't eat cheese! Lol. I've always thought it was cruel and I avoid the conversation. But I know that we would never avoid him because of what he couldn't eat.

Sounds like you need to let them know just how much it hurts you. I know you have told them, but maybe emphasize how much it truly hurts. If you do that and they still don't understand and change then it sounds like you need to reevaluate these "friends", and figure out if they deserve to be a part of your life.

Thanks for the response. I am starting to feel that I do need to rethink about having these friends in my life. t

[Karen85 16]

sometimes people just dont have manners and sometimes people just have a clue (to what they do) in regards to how it makes us feel......i deal with that each and every day..i cant say it will get easier, but your head seems to be in the game and that is all you need to worry/focus on, you...do what works for you...if they dont wanna hang out, come hang out with us on this forum...we cant control other people, we can only control how it affect us.

Thanks I am glad they have a site like this

[Karen85 16]

I lost a friend during my surgery journey. Haven't spoken to her in 9 months. Never once did she call to see how my surgery went or anything. I've tried numerous times to contact her and nothing. She is on the heavy side and the three of us friends one who had had gastric bypass is skinny now and then I decided to have lap band so maybe she felt left out idk but she doesn't speak to me anymore. We had been friends for 20 yrs.

Sorry to hear that! and especially since you were friends for over 20 yrs! it is hard. I have other friends and they are very supportive but these 2 friends of mine, i've know since 9th grade for over 14yrs so It is just very hurtful on how they are treating me. I haven't spoken to them since saturday and everytime when there is an argument, they say that I always try and make it seem like its all about me which isn't true. I guess they are just not true friends after all

[morelgirl 177]

Thanks for the response. I am starting to feel that I do need to rethink about having these friends in my life. t

Karen, that might be wise, even if it will hurt. Actually, it's a bit like the whole WLS journey. You got banded for your health, and in doing that you had to make sacrifices (no more mindless eating, no more high calorie binging, no more scarfing down meals), and while part of you may miss those bad behaviors, you know that in the end you're physical self is better off without them. If you share your feelings openly and honestly with those people in your life and they can't or won't accept and support your decisions, then your emotional and mental self might be better off without them in the long run.

Everyone here knows what you're going through and will support you. You won't be alone as long as you have the boards.

[Frederic 500]

I had this problem with my wife right after surgery she kept eating out when normally I would have cooked until I told her she wasn't helping me avoid temptation she was just highlighting the fact a change had occurred rather than letting me adapt to our normal routine. I still get the pleasure of being creative with dinner and making my own meals currently takes less time than eating them since I just started soft food yesterday.

As for my friends I'm already planning on inviting them out to eat somewhere where I know I'll be able to order something to establish even though I'm eating differently I still eat. After that if they feel self conscious about what they eat it will be their issue but I've been more health conscious about what I eat for years so I doubt it will bother them at all.

[laurigee 545]

You may want to consider that your roles as friends have changed! Every friend is defined a certain way...the smart one, the funny one, the unpredictable one..ect... This surgery may be redefining your role! Your interests, priorities and things to talk about may have changed or they feel they will change. I hate when people assume jealousy is the reason! This is life changing for you and I'm sure you have changed! Not a bad change, but possibly a change that no longer interests your friends! People grow and change, those around you can either enjoy and appreciate your growth or choose to separate themselves. Neither makes anyone a good or bad person! I had different friends when I was single, then when I was married, and again when I had children! Only 2 friends have been with me through them all, and I think it's because we where at the same stages at the same time through the years. Friends are suppose to enhance your life not make it more difficult! I hope everything works out the way you want them to! Good luck!

[Frederic 500]

I think this is also a good time to point out the easiest way to lose weight is hang out with skinnier people.

Repeatedly studies show that one of the most consistent ways to facilitate weight loss is to simply surround yourself with skinnier people.

Subconsciously our perception of normal shifts more based on the people we consider friends than any amount of hard data being presented to a person. If you're around people who don't value health or nutrition in general it will be harder for you to continue to value your own health and eating habits.

[honk 780]

I think this is also a good time to point out the easiest way to lose weight is hang out with skinnier people.

Repeatedly studies show that one of the most consistent ways to facilitate weight loss is to simply surround yourself with skinnier people.

Subconsciously our perception of normal shifts more based on the people we consider friends than any amount of hard data being presented to a person. If you're around people who don't value health or nutrition in general it will be harder for you to continue to value your own health and eating habits.

Well a lot of thin people eat like crap. My 16 year old niece is a very athletic (trains year round for crew) size 2 ; eats constantly. That behavior is bad for me. My sister is very understanding when I tell her I have to eat a real meal vs grazing all afternoon.

[CHEZNOEL 4,061]

Tell them it is OK if they eat. I went out to lunch with my friends every week after surgery. Sometimes I just had a shake or Soup. I told them what to expect and they were very supportive. Try talking with your friends again. If they still don't get, then find new friends. IMHO

[Frederic 500]

Well a lot of thin people eat like crap. My 16 year old niece is a very athletic (trains year round for crew) size 2 ; eats constantly. That behavior is bad for me. My sister is very understanding when I tell her I have to eat a real meal vs grazing all afternoon.

That doesn't really disprove the scientific research. First of all it's not about what people around us eat it's about how they look approx 85% of the data humans normally use to interpret their environment is visual. When we're around thinner people we "feel" we should be thinner. There are several studies that show what people consider to be a healthy weight is influenced more by the average weight in their surrounding population than by even personal experience. In other words if you ate around overweight people who all have health concerns you start to believe it's normal for the average person to have those health concerns.

Second of all your niece is athletic so if her behavior is what you're watching you're just as likely to want to exercise like her as eat like her.

Thirdly unless you predominantly hang out with 16 yr old athletes your choosing a single relationship the study reflects aggregate relationships or the total of your peer group not the specific individuals in the group. It's not saying you should only be friends with people smaller than you just that if the majority of your friends are smaller it will be easier to stay smaller personally.

[TEAM SASHA PINK 108]

Thanks for the response. I am starting to feel that I do need to rethink about having these friends in my life. t

Karen85...my heart goes out to you. Fair weather friends is what those ladies are. When they believe its sunny they are there but let it rain...they are like roaches in a kitchen when you turn a light on...gone! I'm here and we may not be in the state but I promise to be a better friend. You appear to have a good heart and that's priceless...take it from Sasha you are better off without them...find new friends you deserve them...keep your head up.