how to deal with judgement

[lmattera 17]

Hi everyone! My name is Lauren and I am getting banded on Feb 15th, 2013. I haven't told many people because I'm afraid of being judged, and it doesn't help that the few people I have told reacted quite negatively, even my aunt went as far as saying she was going to do whatever she needed to make sure I didn't get this done. I'm 22 years old and I have been overweight my entire life, and both of my parents had to have weight loss surgery (my mom had gastric bypass in 2005 and has lost 110 pounds and my dad had lap band in 2010, but has only lost 40 pounds because he still has poor eating habits). I am very hurt that my friends and family have reacted so negatively towards what I see as the biggest blessing in my life. My family thinks that I should be older to have the surgery (so I can suffer with my weight longer like they have had to) and my friends don't think I'm overweight enough (even though my bmi is 36 and I have a lot of breathing problems- insurance is covering the surgery). My parents are starting to support me more than in the beginning, and that's all that really matters to me, but it would nice to have support from more people. I'm so glad I found this forum! My surgeon recommended it to me Any advice would be truly appreciated, I look forward to getting to know some fellow banders!

[Back2Petite 23]

While I do understand your family members concerns that you are young, you make a great point about not having to endure years of ups and downs and subsequent health issues. If you believe you've made adequate efforts and your doctor agrees that this surgery is in your best interest..go for it young lady. Great that your parents are now supportive..others will follow later!

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

Honestly, I wish the band had been around when I was your age. It could've saved me an adulthood of obesity and misery. I was 38 years old when I had mine done (I'm 39 years old now)

You do what is best for you, regardless of what anyone else says. My guess is the majority are speaking out of ignorance despite their good intentions. Plus, you realize your father didn't lose much weight because he didn't change his eating habits. The fact you realize this already puts you way ahead of many others considering this surgery- you know what takes to be successful with the band.

Best wishes to you and your new life ahead

[Courtnin 86]

I'm 23 and was banded shortly after my 23rd birthday, and it has been the biggest blessing I could receive. I've been over weight for all of my teen and adult years, I don't want to carry that on thru the rest of my life. It's a wonderful thing your doing for yourself, don't let anyone talk you out of it.. But at the same time make sure it is your own decision.

I personally have only told my immediate family and the friends I spend most of my time with.. I don't want to hear negative thoughts during this journey. Most of them are very supportive of it, at first a couple of my friends made a few comments I didn't enjoy. Now I'm 7 weeks post op, down 55lbs and I honestly can't remember the last time I was this happy.

People are going to judge always, whether we're over weight or had WLS. But I rather be healthy and happy in my body while they judge me

Good luck with your journey!

[Missmia9 33]

I've received mixed reactions as well....but I have researched this to the point of exhaustion and it's my decision and my body. Like someone else mentioned, it's because they don't fully understand that makes them leary. I'm tired of people thinking I have to take the surgery route because my willpower isn't strong enough.

Just trust your surgeon and your own decision making process, and go for it!

My surgeon has mentioned he's reserved on banding young patients because they might not yet understand what it takes to lead a healthy lifestyle and make the necessary changes....but he said he will if they can show them they're committed and he said one of his biggest success stories since he's been doing it was just 21 or 22. He said this gal had come to him after several surgeons had turned her down, but he could tell she had the right mindset, and it sounds like you do too. Good luck!

[kazjim98 618]

I couldn't say it better than all the other posters, so, do what you have to do to be happy and healthy. Good Luck and Best Wishes hon!!

[HolleyJane 16]

Lauren,

Somebody told me something really great when I struggled at the beginning of this process with who and when to tell them about my desicsion. She told me: if telling them makes it about their reactions and issues, then don't tell them. This is your journey, not theirs. Support is really, really nice. But, at the end of the day, it's your body, your experiences, and your journey. No one can save you from anything bad that might happen, but their bad attitude could really make this harder for you.

My mom says she supports me, but she always makes comments to me that don't feel particularly supportive. I've tried telling her how they affect me, but she can't hear it. So now I have a personal rule that I just won't talk about it with her. As soon as she brings it up, I change the subject. I'm five days away from the surgery, and on my tenth day of all liquids pre-op, and I just don't have the energy or desire to defend myself anymore or reassure her that I'll be okay. Instead of talking about it, I'll just show her that its the right thing for my by my actions.

Support is really nice, and I have other support, so her actions don't hurt me as much as they could. But I support myself the most, and that's the only way I can do this--no one else can drink these darn shakes for me!

[Cattitude 9]

I have no support - other than what I am finding on my own. I don't have any family or friends. I am living in an emotionally abusive relationship which I plan to leave, as soon as I recover from my surgery. I've had enough of being obese and putting up with his put-downs many times a day. So I decided to have this surgery. My "partner" (not sure what else to call him other than words I'd have to bleep out) is totally against the surgery. He hates that I've gained weight since we first got together and makes snide remarks about how I look and what I eat. I actually thought he'd approve of my surgery, but instead he tells me I'm wasting my money, mutters about the gym and points out every cheesy diet ad he sees.

For support I will be making full use of the aftercare support offered by the clinic doing my surgery. I chose this clinic for this reason. They have nutritionists, psychologists, online weight tracking and other things, which they offer for 5 years. I am also signing up for group therapy for abused women, hopefully it will start within the next few months.

Finally, I will be drawing from my prior experience from having a gastric bypass in 2005. I lost 159 lb. then, but regained 100 lb. during my current relationship. Not that it's his fault, I'm the one who started making bad eating choices after being thin for 3 years. But at least I know what gastric surgery feels like (though I'm sure lap band will be different) and the "rules" for eating should be similar. I know I can lose this weight and keep it off this time.

So, what I suggest is to avoid or ignore those who don't support you, and seek out those who do. Be creative. Ask at the clinic that does your surgery. If you feel you need a self-esteem boost, see if you can get counselling.

[**IP~LB** 279]

That is exactly the reason only 3 people know. I don't want to be judged. I am 44 and wish I had it done at 25 years old. This is your journey in life, no one elses. I congratulate you in taking a huge step for yourself. I been banded one month today and down 34 pounds, I couldn't be happier.

Let us know how it goes.

[Wgbem 138]

I had the surgery in September and my 21 year old daughter got it done in November. I just wanted to make sure all was well before she had it but it was the best thing we both ever did. I have been overweight all my life. I am feeling so great and am off all diabetic meds. I did not want my daughter to go through what my family has gone through. I am her biggest cheerleader but she had to do it for herself. I am so proud of her.

Keep your head up. Write us anytime. We support you. Know you have done something great for your life. No matter what age you are there are née Sayers so we are all in the same boat with you.

[FLORIDAYS 3,040]

I was given some really good advice about 15 years ago. I was a pleaser my whole life... With men, parents, child, work, friends,... You name it and I was more worried about what everyone else thought. Then someone told me.... Unless they pay your bills their opinion doesn't effect your life. This got me to stand up and rethink my pleasing talents... And I started putting it to use... And you know what... I felt a whole lot better and gained the respect of a lot more people including myself!!!

[jsws91 153]

I got criticized by friends.and family every time I have lost weight before.. my mother hated the low carb diet and made comments every.time I saw her. people at work made comments.. I am not going to tell anyone except my husband. he is very supportive and knows I can be successful. I think alot of people who make rude remarks are jealous..

[Startingover2012new 7]

People are going to say and think what ever they want. They judge us for everything. I am only one month into this (banded 12-03) and have been going thru the judging and comments since I have been back to work. . I can really tell in the way I feel and look that I have lost 28lbs. At first I let their comments get me down. I have decided what is really important IS HOW I FEEL AND WHAT I THINK not their opinions. They people that Love and truly care about me are supportive and that is all I need right now. this journey is not easy by no means it is going to have alot of ups and downs. I have to be positive minded for this work for me. We can all do this if we truly want this to work!!!

[akwright68 114]

There will always be people in our lives that we seek positive reinforcement from. This starts from the day we were born with our parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers, etc. It has taken me years to get to this point, but I have come to realize that my life is mine and I am the one that has to live my life. The people that I choose to share my life with knows my choice about Lap Band surgery, the rest do not. I have a motto....

If I would not choose to have someone take care of my children then I do not trust them with my private thoughts or feelings. Therefore I do not trust their opinion of me as they really do not know me or my thoughts and feelings.

Keep your support system close, whomever they are, you will need them. Although we may be strangers we are kin in our weight issues and the goals we have set for ourselves. Scream, cry or laugh, we will be here for you.

[KimberleyP 21]

Good for you! Making this decision, or any major life-changing decision, can be hard and it looks like you are owning your decision. I am new to lap-band, but not to the issues around size, weight, and judgement. I've been very selective about who knows that I had this done 12-13-12. Having gone through lots of judgement and misunderstandings from very well meaning people, I decided to limit those that know. As I lose weight I'll know when the time is right to share how I did it (or not). Be open and accept the positive support where you find it - let go of the rest.