Is that a tornado in the toilet?: A Story by Becky S.

[Sunta 5]

I already posted about my first PB, but I wrote this story for my husband and then decided I just had to share it here:

It was a warm and sunny day. A perfect day for eating sushi, in fact. I pulled up to the Palm Market and, braving the thunderous and tremendously annoying construction noises taking place on the street outside, I went in.

I raced to the refrigerated section, only to find it devoid of the sweet and salty ocean nectar I have come to know and love as my own personal ambrosia: sushi. So I asked the dude at the counter what the deal was and he told me it would be delivered momentarily. I stood around like a lone weirdo and pretended to look at some magazines near the front of the store. (Katie will have a silent birth! Angelina devastated as Brad leaves her alone in Paris!).

Finally, a dude comes in with a large crate. From the looks of him (Japanese) I could tell he was my man. I raced behind him, drooling and rubbing my hands together as I tried to suppress my moans of impending pleasure.

After he finished putting out the glistening and just-made jewels of tender delicious morsels, I quickly made my selection: a California roll/tuna/eel/salmon/shrimp combination.

I had no inkling of my impending doom.

Late for work, I raced to the car, almost giddy with delight. The previously mind-scrambling construction noises sounded like a symphony written just for me. Strangers smiled as if to say "have a delicious day!" and all was right with the world.

After arriving at work, I tried desperately to keep from eating (I had just eaten a bland but protein-rich Zone bar), but just one hour later I broke down and retrieved my little tray of heaven from the fridge. My first bite was transcendant; California dreamin' complete with life-giving avacado and the precious crunch of cucumber. Mmmmmmmm... I tried to eat slowly and carefully, but things were just going so well...

Right after I finished seven of eight pieces, and before embarking on the pure joy known as shrimp, it began.

Pain like a knife, a heart attack, and a fire all rolled into one sliced through my chest. My eyes started watering and I broke out in a cold sweat. "Oh shit" I thought, as I slowly got up to go to the bathroom.

I paced the bathroom praying feverishly for whatever was stuck to go down. I guess God is off today, because the horrendous pain continued for several minutes. Growing desperate, I suddenly remembered the advice of my fellow bandsters to sip on some carbonated soda to try and unstick a stuck object. Thankfully I had some Coke Zero in the fridge. I grabbed it and went back into the bathroom. I took a tiny sip.

Immediately, I felt scores of air bubbles rising into my throat. "Oh good" I thought "I'll burp and everything will be ok".

HA!

Instead of burping, I bent over the toilet, and like a cat with a hairball (or an alien performing some kind of mating ritual), I began to produce crystaline slime that dripped from my mouth into the toilet. I stayed like this for a while, as my chest felt like it was being ripped in half.

Finally, in an almost anti-climatic (but totally not anti-climatic) moment, I produced the smallest, almost imperceptible burp, and with the burp, I released very gracefully and elegantly, a giant premordial otherwordly glob of slime. As if in a movie where a ghost gets trapped in someone's body and is expunged as a whirling cloud of plasma, the blob (which was so impressive that it really should be considered its own organism) plopped into the toilet and immediately formed what looked like a tornado, with a huge base at the bottom and a vortex with a hollow center, reaching all the way to the top of the Water.< /p>

I was so stunned at my ability to create such an object that I just stood there staring at it for about five minutes. It stood suspended in the water as I imagined the house from the Wizard of Oz caught up in its center.

I tried to identify the offending food, but all I saw was some swirls of diet cola, much like the dark dust that whirl up into an otherwise white twister.

Oh, and a couple particles of chewed-up rice.

So massive and unique was this byproduct of my lunch, that I actually considered rushing to grab my camera phone and taking some pictures to commemerate my first bandster upchuck.

Then I figured that that would just be over-the-top disgusting.

Regretfully, I flushed the toilet, and watched as the seemingly living cloud of mucus slid away from my vision forever.

Now, I have only my memories.

And a really sore esophogus.

[banded_for_life 2]

LOL..welcome to bandland...you know that was my first pbs too! Not on sushi thank god...but the darn chicken teriaki that was sitting along side it. Great writing by the way...saw the whole thing happen as I read..what a hoot. But I am sorry that you pb'ed after having enjoyed eating it so much.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

LOL that is so descriptive if I shared that with my DH he would not allow me to have the surgery. Purely based on the fact that the thought of something that gross coming out of his wife would turn him off forever. Child birth was a joy for this man, let me tell you.

Great writing, great story. Congratz on your first PB. I certainly am not looking forward to them. LOL

[Anwyn 0]

Best PB story ever! Thanks for the laugh, and I hope your esophagus is feeling better today.

[JanetC 2]

LOL (( hugs )) Becky! Glad to hear that you'd chewed! Hope your throat's feeling better!

[Yoda 0]

OMIGAWD! That is almost enough to make me change my mind!!!!

(it won't though!).

I just read it to my husband and he said, "I don't want you doing that"! errr, umm...me neither sweetie!!!

[MelodyJ 0]

Sunta,

You should write professionally....you are a hoot!!! VERY FUNNY....but scary!!! Hoping I don't experience the same!!!

What is PB by the way???? I am very new to many of the abbreviations. My husband said they need to have a bandsters dictionary!!

One more question...having a lot of pain that comes and goes...can't tell if food makes it worse or not? A pressure seems to radiate to the right shoulder/chest. No fevers, nothing like that.....I'm thinking it might be gas...little burps do seem to help!?

God Bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -25lbs

Dalton, GA with Dr. Ponce

[Rockin' Robyn 15]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!! This is the most hilarious post I have ever read. You really need to be a professional writer. I never heard something so descriptive....I felt like I was there with you! I had to read it to my husband and he was laughing too. Boy, your description is so real of what a PB is truly like. Sorry you had to go through it, but at least the first one is over:rolleyes: !

[the best me 6]

Well done! Well done and Bravo!!!! This one rates up there with StrawartS' PB on the Riverwalk in San Antonio! OMGosh, I'm LMBO!

[Shontel 3]

I have to say that story is hilarious!! You have a gift. Very good at descriptive writing. (please write here again, about any other pb's you may have...can't wait..ok, kidding) Thanks so much for that glimpse into your PBing experience.