I'm hurting myself

[Vera 7]

self-hater

Maybe I missed something...

The first time I met Lisa, she hurled, spewed love at everyone. A joyful, funloving women in a realm of her own. No-one can compare.

I just can't see Lisa as a self-hater

I will agree with CMR, we have food brain issues

I found AA to be easier because you can live without drinking but you can't live without food. The people in those meeting have all the same problems with food that we do

we can quit drinking but we just can't stop eating.

Then there are those like me who just love to taste!

[dishdiva 5]

First, as a newly un-banded, I'm thrilled to see this forum. YAY! It has been such a struggle for me since my band was removed. It's shocking how quickly the old eating head games come back. Thinking just a bite will be fine...a little taste.... in OA (I'm a drop-out), they say that compulsive overeating is a progressive disease, that everytime you "fall off the wagon," it's worse the next go round. I've been on vacation this past week and couldn't get enough to eat. I KNOW I'm eating because of boredom or because I'm lonely or WHATEVER... but still I'm compelled to do it. I haven't weighed in a week and am scared I'll be back on track for re-gaining all my weight. Right before vacation, I'd only gained three pounds in three weeks. I felt like that was a huge victory. I really think exercise saves me. I really think some structure helps...six small meals a day. (Have to keep the metabolism stoked.). I know that's obnoxious to hear, but I think there's some value to it. Giving up sugar helps a lot of people. Of course, for many of us, that's our addiction of choice.

Anyway...just my thoughts. We didn't go through what we went through with the band just to re-gain it back!

Elizabeth

8-28-03

removed due to (second) slip 3-10-06

[leatha_g 4]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[PhotoNut 7]

Maybe I missed something...

The first time I met Lisa, she hurled, spewed love at everyone. A joyful, funloving women in a realm of her own. No-one can compare.

I just can't see Lisa as a self-hater

Perhaps self-abuser would have been a better choice of words. I certainly didn't mean this as a put-down and I hope Lisa didn't take it that way.

I used to think I used food as a comfort or reward, but I'm starting to realize that it was more of a punishment. It becomes a vicious cycle. You eat, then you grow disgusted with your self-preceived failure, so you get mad and just eat out of control. Hating yourself more with every bite, not understanding why on earth you're ruining yourself. That is what I meant by self-hater. I'm a fun loving, outgoing, caring person as well. I care for others far better than I care for myself. I can be excited about life when I'm with others. I can be an entertainer in a crowd. But get me alone with ME and the whispers start in my head and I end up eating out of anger at myself. Well, this WAS my pattern. I may face it again one day but for now, thank God, I can't.

My post was meant to show empathy, not to make anyone feel as if I was putting Lisa down. *shrugs* Sorry, if it came off that way.

[FuelMan 2]

I think you hit the nail on the head Susan, we have learned to show the world how much the world has hurt us. We do this by being FAT !!!!! It's not like you can hide it !!!! I am not talking to the people that are a little bit over weight, I mean the real fatties'. The ones that people can't help but stare at. The one's that even we as fattier's have too look at in disgust, because they remind us of our own pain. We hate our self's so much we take the long road to death, digging our grave a fork full at a time.

Lisa, the lady that started this thread is in a lot of pain, and baby I feel that pain, and I know it all to well. You are talk'in to someone who has bought 2 dozen dunk'in donuts while going to a party and ate one dozen on the way. And when I got there and people started to look at the donuts, I said : "Hummm which one should I have ????" Now, this is someone in a lot of pain. I know all the sick thing we do, and I know the "Madness" that goes on in your head, telling you, "what the heck", who cares anyway ??? Believe me I know the pain of wanting to eat one's self to death. Someone who would have, surgery to lose weight and then do something so crazy as to try to eat past the "Band" and end up doing damage to our self's. Now, ask yourself ?................ Why would someone do that ????? Answer that, and you will start to find the beginning of the path that might lead you back to some kind of sane eating. You have to want to stop, that is the first step. And the next is to tell on yourself, just like you did, don't let this "Madness" get you alone. It grows in the dark when we are alone. Keep talking and telling on yourself, there are people that understand. I do, anyone else ???????

Butch

[Jessiebear 2]

I totally understand! I'm a binge eater from way back. I didn't get to almost 400 lbs (my all time high) by eating fish & rice! I use to wait for everybody to go to bed & then I would sneak into the kitchen in the dark & ease the frig or the cabinets or the cookie jar open or cake pan - basically anything & everything I could that didn't make noise, & eat. It soothed all of the bad feelings that I had. That was when I was growing up, but I did it after I got married too. I did it up until 14 months ago. & even after I got my band I did as much as I could. I wouldn't go for fills so I could eat. Self-sabotage baby! I have to have control now. I'm tight. Now I smoke & drink Boost! LOL! It's 2 am for crying out loud! Boy it feels good to get that off my chest. Sorry Lisa. I think I hijacked your thread with my confession. I guess what I am trying to say is that I can empathize with you. I may have a band, but I still have my demons. And lately they seem to be multiplying. Now my Grandma's getting in on it. I hope all of the unbanded can win out over their demons. Then you can all come back & tell us how to do it. That would be perfect. Love you guys & gals!

[TommyO 5]

Reading this thread has made me think about how incredibly similar but at the same time how different our experiences are. The only thing we have in common is the fact we are overweight, we come from different backgrounds and locations, we may or not be banded and we may be losing weight quickly, slowly, not at all or gaining.

I read the words that all of you have written and I am amazed at the level of self study we have all done in regards to our weight issues. The self awareness level on this forum is amazing, everyone is very much aware of their food issues and what drives them. I am certain that the average person in the world does not have this level of self awareness. It seems we are all driven to find the answer that will solve our weight problem.

It is also interesting that the more we search the more we lose the battle not just as individuals but society as a whole. At no time in history have we been more focused on obesity and at no time in history has our society been as obese.

I don't know the answer but I have a sense that it has something to do with a sense of self loathing. As children we blamed ourselves (as children do) for the bad things that happened to us. As adolescence we noticed every one of our flaws and blamed ourselves for them, compounding our guilt. Now as adults we continue to feel shame and we beat ourselves up for our past wrongs, our present mistakes and certain future errors. We do all this and then apologize to the world for the terrible people we are. To prove to the world we are flawed we ware layers of guilt in the form of fat just in case they can't figure it out instantly.

We apologize because we crave forgiveness but we never realize that we need forgiveness from only one person, ourselves.

I don't have the answers but I think that a good starting point is self forgiveness. So everyone make a list of all the things that make you a bad person and then grant yourself forgiveness. Remind yourselves that you are incredibly good people and that the good in you far outweighs the bad and for that reason you deserve forgiveness.

Lisa, it's time to forgive, I would forgive you but I have nothing to forgive you for. You need to stop what you are doing and remind yourself what a great person you are. You need to realize that you are just like everyone esle and that we all make mistakes. Then you need to say to yourself "You are forgiven"

Now everyone else forgive yourself, I can't guarantee it will make you lose any weight but It will make you feel better about yourself and as such you will be happier.

[hairagain 0]

Boy, did some of those last posts give me a wondow into some of my eating demons. We all know what we do but to see some of them written down.... I have done many things too. I am a closet eater. I sneak around when my husband has been out of the house or room. Eat and graze. I have bought fast food and bought an extra burger to eat on the way home and then pretend to eat like everyone else. Many meals I have cooked for everyone else but eaten so much food while cooking it was a meal at least in and of itself. Then sit down and eat more with everyone else. I have been through most all groups (self help) as well as therepy etc. I don't have the answers and I don't feel like I hate self loath myself but obviously it is under there somewhere. I try to think it through, you know, self evaluate? I know I am a people pleaser and can't stand it for a min. when someone is upset with me or something I have done.

I could blame it on lots of things. Bad marriage, many loved ones who have suffered and passed on and the bad parenting skills I was raised in, however, what good would that do? I am still fat and crying about the past does no good unless we use it to move forward and fix some of the damage. Sometimes I succeed and try to give myself positive re-enforcement when I do. When I fail I try to forgive myself and move on.

The band is a tool that is doing good things for me but we all know it only one tool in the never ending fight for well-ness in our bodies as well as our minds. I love this thread because it speakd to my soul and I don't feel so alone. WE are in this together for better or worse. Love you all!! Brothers and sisters in the fight to survive, on good choice at a time!

Darlene

[PhotoNut 7]

TommyO, you are so awesome. Where do you get all of that wisdom? And dare I say it... how does all of that understanding come from a guy?! *snickers* (just teasing)

I have a question though. I have seen so many posts about forgiving one's self, but every time I think of applying that to MYself, I instantly feel like curling my lip and scowling at it because to ME it feels like making excuses. And haven't I done that all of my life? Excusing the behavior has only led to more of the same behavior. How many times do you forgive someone that's trying to kill you? For that's exactly how I view it now. I was trying to kill ME. Stuffing all that poison into my mouth, knowing it was taking away my ability to walk, to breathe, to sleep well, to live.

During the past several weeks, I have really been thinking on this subject in regards to my life and I truly believe that I always forgave myself everytime I ate huge amounts of food, thus enabling myself to do it again. I've taken on a whole new attitude about it now. I do NOT forgive myself for trying to kill myself. That's not something to forgive, it is something forbid. I absolutely refuse to allow anyone to harm me or my loved ones, and that includes ME. I am my own worst enemy.

Does this leave me feeling broken and down on myself? Nope. It leaves me feeling FREE and SAFE. When I embraced my behavior and kept allowing it, I felt TRAPPED and SCARED. I am no longer a prisoner because I forbid ME to lock myself away inside a world that is dominated by food.

I hope this made some sort of sense to someone. I'm just beginning to come to a full realization of it myself. I don't love the person I was, I do loathe that person for what it was allowing to happen to me. However, I am starting to get a glimpse of the person I am now and... well, the new me is something to be proud of.

[TommyO 5]

P-Nut, I think I may have given the wrong impression. I want people to forgive themselves for those things that we blamed ourselves for from our childhood. Many kids blame themselves for the harms done to them by others throughout their childhood. I am not religious but I think this is the root of original sin in the bible. I give this example, Vines Queen has written about her childhood so I hope she doesn't mind me using her as the example. She has told us that she was beaten as a child and it has been proven that children that go through this sort of terrible experience often blame themselves. They believe that they must be bad people and they deserve their punishment. They then feel strong guilt based on the bad people they must be.

Others go through childhood and adolescence and make mistakes that they carry through life. They hold these secrets inside and more guilt occurs. It is these things that I think we need to forgive ourselves for, we need to free ourselves from the guilt.

Once we forgive ourselves we hopefully become free and this freedom allows us to overcome our faults. I choose to own my eating habits and I no longer lay blame elsewere in my past, I own it. I do however believe I had to forgive that child who mistakenly blamed himself.

[PhotoNut 7]

Ah! Now that makes perfect sense. I'm trying to get up the courage to find a good therapist for that very thing. Last night, in our local support group there were several people who talked about being banded long enough for the original "high" to wear off and then they were staring into the face of the problems that got them fat in the first place. Those were still there, still trying to eat away at them, still driving them to the behavior of self loathing. The band takes care of our stomachs but we are still left with our heads to deal with, aren't we?

[Dianechef 3]

Hugs to you Lisa!! I am so sorry you are struggling so much with this!!

Have any of you been watching Oprah lately? She has done this show called the Debt Diet. She said something on her show that really struck me & I think it really ties in with this thread. She said that America is looking for happiness. We think it's found in the next car we buy, the next house we get. It's found at the mall when you buy a new outfit. Happiness is found in our next relationship. And, it's found in the next bowl of ice cream or big plate of lasagna.

Being obese, in debt, on drugs, out of control is simply everyone searching for something we can't seem to find. HAPPINESS!! And it has to come from within. You have to truly love yourself. No amount of money, fancy cars, or big ice cream sundaes are going to give us what we need. It only covers up what we're truly feeling. Happiness comes in short little spurts as we feed ourselves & then it goes away. And once that small spurt of joy has faded, we need more food.

Not sure if any of this helps, but it can at least explain why we do what we do!! It answered lots of questions for me. There's a hole in my soul that I'm trying to stuff full. That hole needs to be filled with something else. It's up to me to find out what that "something" is.

Okay, time to call a therapist.

[DeLarla 22]

Vera, you know me better than I know myself! Self-hater? NOT. I'm too in love with myself for all that! Though if I continue to eat & gain, I will certainly join Penni in her depression. I'm all about love, babies! And Vines, I just kissed my fur babies goodbye on the way to the post office to mail my daughter her Easter basket and birthday gift. Peace, love & flower power.

I've completely let go of my past so I don't blame my childhood for being fat. Yes, there's the big connection to my childhood since that's when this addiction/hoarding/binging started, but now it's just plain addiction. I'm addicted to the bad eating habits, and my brain simply screams at me to eat. That's what I did all my life, so the screaming doesn't just stop because I want it to.

I'm up 10 pounds, POOF, just like that. And my stomach pain is getting better, but the acid in my esoph gives me a full time lump in my throat with cough.

As far as OA meetings, I've been a 12-Stepper most of my life. Southern California has the BEST OA meetings in the world. They say when things get bad to go to 30 meetings in 30 days, but there aren't even 30 meetings in Vegas to go to. Vegas is a different planet than the rest of the world. We have thousands of AA meetings and just as many NA and GA (Narcotics & Gamblers Anonymous.) But the OA meetings here are lousy; I've tried going throughout the years, and there's no sponsorship here. Nobody "works the OA program" here. Small group meet and focus on sharing, but NOBODY shares about their food struggles, it's just a big bitch session. I've shared that I need help with my food and and weight gain, and I've asked for phone numbers, but they look at me like, "Who's the fat girl interrupting our chat session?" Weird... definitely weird in Vegas.

[vinesqueen 2]

Oh no, TommyO, if people gain anything from my experiences, so much the better. It's like that http://www.despair.com/mis24x30prin.html "Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is to surve as a warning to others.":scared:

[DeLarla 22]

If we can't laugh, what's left? And I'm not laughing AT you, but this is really good shit: "You are talk'in to someone who has bought 2 dozen dunk'in donuts while going to a party and ate one dozen on the way. And when I got there and people started to look at the donuts, I said : "Hummm which one should I have ????"

That reminds me of the old days, when I was a closet-eater. I'd drive through fast food joints and order enough for three people while talking about my husband and kids (I was single.) I'd even throw in a Kid's Meal with an extra drink to make it believable.

Oh, and OA taught me how to binge and purge. But it also taught me to love myself, so now I'm not a closet eater. I have NO problem eating in public.