Depressed and needing support

Dody · April 5, 2006

This doesn't belong in the American Idol thread, even though the show is what started my depression tonight. Little did I know Kenny Rogers was going to be on there. My husband could have been Kenny Rogers twin brother. When my husband was killed 10 years ago in an auto accident his beard and hair were just beginning to grey. My husband was often stopped on the street and told how much he looked like Kenny Rogers (I personally thought he was a hunk) and he won a celebrity look alike contest at Disneyland for looking the most like a celebrity (Kenny Rogers) right down to the cowboy hat and boots. I realized tonight what my husband would have looked like today had he lived, and it was very sad.

Then Elliott and Paris both sang songs that I had sung at my husband's funeral that were favorites of both of ours. How Can I Live Without You and If Tomorrow Never Comes. Needless to say I cried the entire show, and am missing my husband so much at this moment. I leave for my daughter's on Monday In Tennessee and she is the female replica of her Dad...could be why she is so precious to me.

I'm a wreck, and along with that I dropped my Xanax today and down the drain they went. When I called my dr's. office they said they were sorry "nothing they could do". I know that isn't true. They could have prescribed Valium or something to get me through the next mo. as I just had the prescription filled. I went in to pick up some prescriptions today and told my pharmacist about it and he told me that because my insurance doesn't even cover my Xanax and I had refills on it he wouldn't even consider letting me go a mo. without it and he filled it. So much for a good dr. She knows you can't go cold turkey off Xanax. Yes, I know I'm addicted to it, just as some people are to caffeine and nicotine, but I also know I don't want any panic attacks that can lead to heart attacks coming my way, so I prefer taking my medication. I'm leaving to soon to find a new dr., but I certainly will be going to when I come home.

Anyway, today has been a very tough and sad day with the culmination being American Idol and all the memories that came rushing back. I don't think anyone on here is in my situation or as old as me, and has lost their husband like I have, but maybe, just maybe you can understand what I'm going through right now. I just want to hide from the world.....

giveyouthemoon · April 5, 2006

You know what? I honestly think that this is a happy thing....the coincidences in the show you watched are too strong. I think your husband is sending you a little sign...just a "hello" I think.

Smile and know that your beautiful man did and does love you very much.

Now wipe those tears, beautiful! Now....about that trip to see your daughter! How fun! Let's focus on that, ok?

jtrek · April 5, 2006

Dodi,

:hug: I feel for you girl!! You were very lucky to have such a handsome husband!!!(KR is a hunk).

Although I haven't lost my spouse, I did just recently (3/22) experience the 4th year without my Dad(he was 60when he died), and Sunday (4/2) was his birthday. So I've been a little blue.

I So totally understand the song bit, because We played some songs at Dad's funeral and I can't listen to "Daddy's Hands" anymore.

I hope the rest of the week goes better for you. You do have a bright spot on the horizon coming, so just keep looking forward to your upcoming visit with your daughter.

Isn't wonderful to have such a nice and caring pharmicist?

Have a safe trip and wonderful visit with your daughter.

Dody · April 5, 2006

Perhaps he was sending me a sign. It was kind of a very inspirational moment for me. Seeing Kenny Rogers and then hearing those two songs just tore me up, but I think now I can see that maybe that's how it was meant to be and perhaps I should look on the bright side of it. Thanks you guys, it means a lot. Kenny Rogers is a hunk and so was my man. I was so very proud of him and his kindness.

paula · April 5, 2006

Dody,

Death is such a hard experience. I guess that's why the bible says that those that grieve shall be blessed.

Because of tonights A.I. youve probably thought more about your husband and your lives together then youve allowed yourself to do in quite a while.

Its ok to be sad.

But on the other hand, youve spent an evening with your husband!

Thank God we can only remember the good/positive memories of our loved one. The memories that warm our hearts and make us smile.

I think thats another way God blesses us through grieving. Having only wonderful memories of them.

(((hugs))) Tomorrow you will feel refreshed and renewed.

Dody · April 5, 2006

I've thought I had this grief under control for so very long, but tonight it just came rushing back in one short hr. I haven't seen Kenny in a very long time, but when I did I realized just what my husband would look like today. It was kind of an omen when two singers sang songs that were so popular 10 years ago and touched such raw nerves. It's been a long time since I was over-whelmed like that, and maybe part of it is going through this surgery without him there for support. The good part is I will have my daughter. I'm very glad I made the decision to go to Tennessee to be with my family rather than stay home and do this on my own.

I'm extremely disappointed with my dr. also for not refilling my meds for me when I'm going away on a trip, but she has been a little put-out lately about having to take care of me after lap banding which she knows nothing about. She has voiced her concern more than once that she wouldn't know what to do. I'm not sure when I come back here what to do either, and I will come home eventually, but I think as a good dr. she should probably order an upper Gi.I. or endoscopy and if something is really wrong I will fly back to Tennesee. I think it's her way of telling me perhaps she doesn't want to go this route with me, and that makes me sad too. She did write me a nice letter, but I had to ask several times. I think she is doubting her abilities when I come home to give me the proper care and doesn't want the responsibility. I guess maybe for her sake and mine when I come home I should find a different doctor, one that is comfortable with me having the band.

There is just a lot to deal with right now. I'm trying to pack to leave on Monday, and don't have a clue what I'm packing, but some big clothes, some inbetween clothes, and I don't know I even threw in a couple of "I hope I fit into these clothes". I don't know where this journey will take me, but I know one thing. This forum will always be here for me and I thank you all for that.

Anwyn · April 5, 2006

Dody, your husband must be so proud of you right now. You're obviously a very strong, intelligent, brave woman. With all of the changes coming in your life, it's no wonder the show hit you so hard.

So, Monday is the big trip to get banded?! That's exciting news! If I were you, I'd pack sweats, sweats, and sweats. But I'm all about comfort when I'm healing up from surgery.

((((HUGS))))

3loves · April 5, 2006

Doty ~ God bless your little heart!! I have only been married 6.5 yrs and can't imagine your grief. There was a reason for your feelings tonight. I think you may have more on your mind than you think and your husband is still there for you & wanted to let you know. :biggrin1: I know you've expressed a love for the Lord and I hope you will see your DH again some day.

That is a bit sad about your doc. I wonder if they doc really made that decision or a nurse? Perhaps you should consider a new doc if the relationship is not good. That is the LAST thing you need to worry about if you have a medical need. Thank God for the pharmacist!! Your heart is in TN I can tell. Pray about it and see what happens.

It's O.K. to hide, just don't stay there. You know you always have us here at LBT. I love reading what you have to say b/c it's like a box of chocolates.....you never know what your going to get. Keep you chin up honey and know that we're here for you!!!

Hugs coming your way....tomorrow will be a new day!!

:hug: :huggie:

ethansgrandma · April 5, 2006

doty,

i truly believe your husband was there with you tonight. Sometimes the Lord has a mysterious way of showing his power and love for us and I believe tonight was His little gift to you. You are under alot of stress right now and I believe He knew you needed your husband to say "I love you sweetheart, and Im here for you."

Good luck on your banding. keep us updated on your progress. I think I too would be finding another doctor.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and have a great time with your daughter.

Dody · April 5, 2006

Thanks to all of you. It's late at night and I'm not asleep yet, but feeling better. I want to thank you all for your support. I do know I always have God to turn too and for that I'm thankful. He is one person I can always count on....and this forum is wonderful. Most of you are wonderful, caring human beings not only when it comes to banding but when it comes to personal issues.

Thanks so much for your support. I'll be leaving on Monday, and yeh I have to admit my heart is in Tennessee. I just wish I didn't own a home here, and that my son-in-law wasn't so up in the air about where he is going when finished with college, otherwise I would be there all the time. I'm going to enjoy the summer with them. I had to change plans and missed that Bristol race darn it, but I would have rather seen the one this week 3 Loves when Smoke won. My daughter and son-in-law took his mother with them. She likes Dale Jarrett so that's cool too. He's a good guy.

Anyway, thank you all for always being there. When I get to Tennesee I'll let you all know if I can steal one of those computers from my kids. I'm so anxious to see them. I step off that plane in Knoxville and I feel like I'm home where I belong.

Jessiebear · April 5, 2006

Have a safe & fun trip Dody! Sending big hugs your way!! (((((HUGS)))))

Dody · April 5, 2006

All the packing is making me nervous. Not sure what to bring...hopefully some smaller clothes I know as most women I have overpacked and won't wear half of what is in there. I'm looking forward to the trip but not the preparation and not the lay-overs, but the end result of seeing my kids will be worth it. I'm also taking my dog, and I always worry about him. He is like my baby.

Anyway thanks for the well wishes. I sure do appreciate them.

kimalicious · April 5, 2006

Doty:

You are so lucky to have had a husband that you love so much and I have always been in love with Kenny Rogers since I was little and thought he and Dolly Parton were husband and wife! You will get past these tough times and you ar lucky to have such great memories to guide you through. Confide in your daughter and make sure you find the doctor that will get you what you need, getting on and off Xanax is not something to wince at! Hang in there in the mean time! You're in my thoughts.

TheWomanWithin · April 7, 2006

Dody I am so sorry to hear about your husband, what you are feeling is the normal process of grieving of a loved one.

I lost my mother 12 years ago, a son 8 years ago and my oldest son's best friend (age 17) 1 year ago.

It never gets easier, only the pain diminishes and sometimes the small little things that remind us of them hit us when we least expect it.

We were in Rooms to Go buying a couch and my youngest daughter saw this boy who looked like my son's friend and called his name. WOW I had a major break down and couldnt stop crying in the store, talk about embarassing! The poor salesman was beside himself and I had to explain and then he went to get me some Water lol of course my husband just stood there dumbfounded because he had never seen me cry in public.

Just try and remember the good things about him and the love that you shared; and cherish those "Hello"s from him :scared: