True Love? How do you know?

[K@t 38]

I agree with wheetsin that this can be so subjective. For example I don't think that completing each others sentences is true love. My husband and I do that occasionally but I honestly don't see that as having any thing to do with what holds us together.....

Now...what DOES hold us together? I agree with Photonut that it's something you give not get. Hugo tells me that he loves me countless times a day, and how beautiful I am. We don't like to be apart from each other, we eat lunch and dinner together and we always take our vacations together, but I don't think this constitutes true love either. My cousin and her husband take separate vacations, they usually see each other on the weekend but not during the week because of different work schedules, and they have this whole privacy thing were one doesn't walk in on the other when a door is closed. My husband and I don't close doors in the house...(no, not even the bathroom, unless there are guest!:guess ) But her marriage is just as strong as mine.

My husband and I don't have a lot in common. I'm American, hes Portuguese, I come from middle (middle) class and he comes from upper class family. My family was always full of people shouting and talking loudly. His family is quiet and proper. My family shares its problems with each other, his family members keep all their problems to themselves. He is shy, and quiet, I'm outgoing and talkative, he live sci fi and computers, I like comedy and action. But in all of this, we still manage to find loads of things to talk about and things to do together and things to watch. I watch one of his sci fi movies and then he watches one of my comedy movies.....every one wins. (and secretly I know that he likes them because he cant stop laughing!)

With all of this....how can I say which part of this is TRUE LOVE? Honestly I don't really know, but at the end of the day, I can't imagine my life with out him.

[Teresita 0]

OMG first it is going to depend on your personality. I like for things to be light and have fun so when it feels like we are best friends with benefits. You can have fun together. You don't feel jelous. You can get over th stupid stuff quick and move on to more fun. When you guys do things for each other just because you want to please the other person. Again, like Wheetsin said sharing the same beliefs and values will truly make it last.

[kimalicious 5]

Wow Sunta, you are so lucky and PNut so wise!! I can't answer this question for some reason. I am married and I do love my husband and vice versa. My questions to add on is does passion always fade?

[Wheetsin 714]

When you know what they are going to say before they say it, and when you finish their sentences for them...

I always thought that was interrupting! :biggrin1:

[Wheetsin 714]

DH and I met when I was on a trip to another country. We were over 6,000 miles apart. We visited when we had time, I was trying to finish college and he was working full-time, and when we couldn't visit we got by on $1200 phone bills. By all rationale we shouldn't even have known the other existed, but over the span of about 3 years we managed to fall in love.

Part of it for me was asking myself, "Could my life ever be this happy without him in it? Could I be with someone else and feel like this?" and only being able to answer "no", and knowing that was the most honest answer -- not disguised by my fears, or rationalizing, or protective walls, but truly the most sincere answer.

I can also say that love for us didn't happen at the same. In his own words, he "fell for me like a ton of bricks." We got really close really fast, but I was more governed by the distance, impracticality, etc. and a little more reserved with what I put on the table -- because I knew we'd have some pretty tough odds to overcome, but we did "click" immediately and hard. The visit I met him on was a 3 month stay, and before I left he asked me to consider staying & moving in with him. When he realized that wasn't really an option, he asked me to "wait" for him -- not date anyone else until we had a chance to meet again and find out if there was really anything there or not. He said he was not going to date anyone else, and was afraid of losing me to someone else before he and I could really see what was there. How could I not fall in love and marry that?

[3loves 0]

I agree with wheetsin that this can be so subjective. For example I don't think that completing each others sentences is true love. My husband and I do that occasionally but I honestly don't see that as having any thing to do with what holds us together.....

Let me clarify....I don't actually finish my DH's sentences, but I can tell you exactly what he is going to say. For us, that is part of true love b/c we know each other that well. Sometimes I surprised and that's a good thing. It's not just one thing that creates true love or holds a couple together. It takes more things than can be listed on this board. If your in love, you know that.

True love is something you give, not get.

This is only partially correct IMO. It is also how the other person makes you feel. You do have to give of yourself and I would venture to say that anyone that has experienced true love has a made a decision to make themselves vulnerable to another person. We all have a certain amount of personal protection....some more than others. Before you do that, you experience some sense of love and acceptance. Some people do stay with an abusive partner, but who could honestly say they married someone b/c they belittled them, made them feel worthless, and so on and so forth? You had to feel special and loved in your own sort of way. We are all different, so it's different for everyone.

Do I sound like I'm rambling....sorry if I do!! :cry I am so much in love it's not funny and I love giving my ALL to my husband and don't feel worthy of his love sometimes. He is a great man and I am so blessed!!!

On a personal note, I know I can love b/c God first loved me enough to give His Son on Calvary. That is TRUE LOVE. This is not intended to create controversy, but this is my personal experience. I don't ask you to agree....I am who I am.

[diva 0]

This is my second marriage. I don't think there is really just one person who could be "the one". It all takes work and compromise and...timing. I really believe that. My husband is romantic and wonderful, it took me 42 years to find him. But he lived in MA and I lived in NY. We met at a mutual friend's wedding in Florida (!). Right place and right time for both of us. A few years earlier-it wouldn't have worked.

[Kelliebelly 13]

Well let me clarify why I started this thread. I am getting married for the first time in September...even though I have 4 kids lol. I am doing arse end about. Paul has been married before, he was married 16 yrs and has 3 older children.

I know I love Paul, he has done so much for me, turned my life around completely. I know he completes me and life without him is unimaginable. There is some little things that irk me about him, that I have always put up with, but lately they just really test my patience. I have told him on several hundred occasions and he says he will fix it but never does.

He has also become very insecure in the last month or so. He never used to be. I could get my bag and say honey I am just going out for a couple of hours blah blah. No probs. There is no way I can do that now. He likes to know where I am going. He asks me constantly if I love him etc. I know we have alot of adjusting with our new bodies and the new thinking etc that comes with it and so do our partners. We no longer are doormats or people that just put up with crap because we cant do better. (I used to feel like this).

I am being petty and down right selfish I know, but when I started this thread I was having a night where I was reflecting on my life and wanted some insight into others. Thank you for sharing it with me. I know this marriage is the right thing for me, and I know I love Paul with all my heart. Things will get better.

[Victoriana 10]

My hubby and I believe that love is a choice that is continued by commitment. Sure there are emotions involved, but emotions are the caboose, the choice to remain committed is the locomotive. If the emotions lead the way, then our relationship wil be as fickle as the weather. What is so amazing is that once we got through a couple of really tough times and looked back we discovered a very sweet trust that is shared by a simple look across the room. We Cherish our love and we guard it. We share all or our emotions with each other, sometimes after they cool off, but we recognize our needs and ask each other if they can meet them, never expecting the other to be a mind reader. Our drive to stay committed is because of our deep faith in Christ Jesus, we both know what forgiveness means and we both know what grace is.

We had only 6 weeks of dating then 6 weeks of engagement, There was so much to his honesty and character that I loved. Those values are very important to me and once I knew they were his strong points, I was hooked! (never mind that he was drop dead hunky to me) lol. Even if we were never married, I knew we would be friends for life. So we are planning to do something for our 25 anniversary. I feel like we are just getting started.

[Victoriana 10]

I forgot to say that we believe that love doesn't depend on finding the right person, Its more like being the right person first.

[PhotoNut 7]

I forgot to say that we believe that love doesn't depend on finding the right person, Its more like being the right person first.

I actually said "Woah" outloud when I read this. How absolutely true this statement is! I was once told to sit down and make a list of all the qualities I wanted my mate to have. It was a long, detailed list full of qualities I felt were essential for someone to possess in order for me to entrust my heart and my family to them. After I completed the list, I was told to go through the list and check off all of the qualities that I possessed. I was stunned to find that I wasn't anywhere near the person I had described in my list.

3loves - I agree with what you said about needing to find someone who gives you love like that before you can trust them. The "perfection" comes when both partners are giving true love to one another.

Kellie - Really pay attention to the things that are bothering you about Paul. Are they things that just annoy you, but are small things in the big picture? Or are they serious things which you are forcing yourself to tolerate because you want this to be the right thing? There is a big difference between small things which simply annoy us but can be talked out and fixed, and the serious things which will only fester and create hurt and disappointment down the road. Choose wisely grasshopper.

Let me give you an example. My daughter was dating a young man that I just adored. They were so perfect for one another and I already thought of him as a son. One night, she came to me and told me that he'd asked her to marry him and she wanted my thoughts on it. I asked her if she was feeling any hesitation about it, and of course she was which is why she came to me. I told her to think about the things which were causing her to be unsure and asked her to picture herself married to him, raising his children. I told her that the things which bother her now would probably become more pronounced over the years, and that her children would see him as an example, and that she would have him and only him to rely on as her mate as she raised her family. Well, she broke up with him the next day. He was devastated and so was I! I never expected that, but she did the right thing. Turns out that the young man's family were very dishonest and so was he. In the romantic times, she was willing to overlook that for love. But once she pictured him in the big picture of her life, where it really counted, she knew without a doubt that he wasn't what she wanted to dedicate her future to. She is now married to a wonderful man who adores her and their son, and is a very admirable man. We love him dearly. The other young man is still the same. He is now married with two children, and they struggle financially, he is often in trouble with the law and they are constantly moving from one place to another as he loses job after job. Each time I see him and his wife, I praise God that's not my daughter married to him and that those aren't my grandchildren having to live like that.

So, to make a long story even longer... listen to your instincts, Kellie. We all know when it's right and when it's wrong. And we know if we are fighting those instincts because we want/wish it to be right. I hope that it is right for you, but if it's not... I hope you have the strength to recognize it and make the right choice.

[vinesqueen 2]

True love, how do you know?

I've been thinking about this since you posted, thinking and meditating on it.

I think all love it true, but that there were many different types of love. The love I hold for my son is different that the love I hold for my Husband, which is different from my family and friends and co-workers. All are true love, but not all are romantic love.

I know you are speaking of questioning romantic love, so I will try to focus on that. I think that for each person, it really is different. I thought I had true love with my ex-husband, it hit me like a bolt of lightning hard, fast, and total. But that wasn't love, it was lust more than anything else. Not good for long term relationship, but fun when it was good.

I think Alex said it very nicely, that is is more like a searies of flash bulbs going off, instead of a one giant brilliant flash.

When my husband describes his experiences, he knew he was in love with me when every single song he heard for weeks were love songs, he just couldn't get away from love songs! but he says he knew it was true love when he discovered that I had better and more camping equipment than he did.

I personally fought falling in love with my DH. I didn't want to fall in love with this great big fat man. I couldn't see myself living for the rest of my life with a big fat man. With skin tabs. I'm shallow, what can I say. Mike was my boss, and there was no way I was ever going to let him know how I really felt about him.

Our product shipped, and we moved to different teams. I had the option to go to his new team, but I decided for a varity of reasons that a different team would be the best thing for me, and ulitimately, us. We started dating shortly after movingto different teams, and he knew within a month that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And the rest, as they say, is history.

but that brings us back to the question, how do you know? I know that it is all the small pieces, all the small flash-bulbs, and the little kindnesses. I've been looking for someone like my Mike for all my life. I believe that I've been looking for Mike specificially all my life. I would be frustrated when men I was dating, was was married to, would not behaive the way I wanted, would not or could not give me thing immatierial things that I needed and wanted.

My exhusband told me he loved me, but his actions spoke otherwise. He was controlling and abusive, jealous and distrustful, mean and petty. He words did not match his actions. And of course, as a child of abuse, this disconnection between words and deeds was familier and what I was used to. After all, my parents would tell me that they loved me even as they were beating me hard enough to make me bleed. That isn't love, or if it is, it is sick and twisted, the poisoned apple of abusive relationships.

I have spent the better part of the last 3 years living in exhile in SE ID where I was attending University. I was there alone, my husband and son stayed here in the Seattle area, while I went off on my little adventure. My relationship with my husband and son, while physically distant, was never emotionally distant.

And I think that is a key, to never being emotionally distant. When we argue, we never ever fight dirty. When something is bothering me, I wait until we are both in a good place to discuss it. I always start by telling him that something is bothering me, I never accuse, I try to never blind side.

Landscape take a lot of work to keep it beautiful. You could move into a house that has perfectly manicured lawns, that has beautiful anual beds, and perenials that are perfect for the effect you are looking for. But if you do not take care of that landscape, then it will stop being beautiful. It will become overgrown, flowerbeds die and whither, weeds and pests will flourish.

Kellie, you said that he completes you. I think that is one indication of true love. My sweet, you have just gone through a major metamorphsis. You are now a butterfly where you were a cute fuzzy catapiller once before. You now have irridencent wings and the desire to test those beauties on the winds of change. It is only natural that your man, who's been your steadfast and sturdy branch for all this time, is in a panic. He is afraid that you will fly away, never to return to his embrace. He is worried that some fancy flower will capture your interest, and you will never return to your home in his tree.

I would strongly recommend some premarital counceling. Of course, I always recommend it, even when people don't have issues. You have suddenly and dramatically changed, not just from the plastic surgery, but I really thing that banding does a number on our heads, forcing us to look at issues and deal with them in different ways than we used to. Many of us used to use food as a coping mechanism in ways we can no longer use. I think the whole process just changes us. Please make sure you spend extra time holding his hand, letting him know that while you are different, you are the same. That paradox must be addressed.

[Wheetsin 714]

Ok, forgive the OT interruption, it won't continue... and I hate to be the village idiot, but what are those? I've never heard of them... at least not by that name.

skin tabs

[vinesqueen 2]

skin tabs are these little nubs of extra skin that grow, they can be any size from small like the end of a ball point pen to the size of a pencil erraser. As far as I know, they usually grow round the neck and shoulders, but they can grow anywhere.

Some people just get a couple, and they will get irritated and have to be removed. If you are a he-man like my dad, you will take a pair of nail clippers and cut them off, or you can have them removed by a doc. It also depends on how many of them you have.

[3loves 0]

Kellie ~ There are many things my husband does that irritates me. Some of them I found out later in our marriage, but they are not things that are deal breakers. I admire you for asking this question b/c it sounds like you may have some concerns. These may be insignificant in the big picture, but it is great that you are willing to face them now before you make such a commitment. Vines gave some good advice IMO of getting premarital counseling. It can't hurt. I've never been, but I would go in a heartbeat if our relationship was in trouble.

At the very least....please take some time and do some research on www.drphil.com. He does give some solid advice on relationships and there are even some quizzes you can take online. You don't have to agree with everything, but he makes some good points. One thing I heard him say yesterday, was that you should never have to change your "authentic self" for a relationship. Think about that. So very true.