True Love? How do you know?

[Kelliebelly 13]

Reading through some threads, plus with me smack bang in the middle of psychology at Uni prompts me to ask :

How do you truely connect with another human being? How do you know its for life?

I dont think its enough to say "I just know".

What are your experiences?

[kim2bhealthy 3]

Good gravy, now that's a question!! Never been there, done that.. But I can't wait to hear everyone's answers.. This sounds like a great thread for Vines, I always love her posts.. Vines, where are you????

[PhotoNut 7]

I think all love is true love. How can you love someone and say it's false love? Even if your motives are wrong, they do not make your feelings invalid.

If you are asking how do you know if a love will last, well that's something noone can truly say. But I'm a firm believer that love only dies when we put ourselves before others. When we are self focused, others become less important and then they end up feeling rejected, bitter, disappointed, used.. which all works together to form a vicious cycle that usually brings a relationship to an end.

I once heard that counterfeit experts are trained by studying only the real thing. They know each and every detail of the money they study. That way, when a fake shows up.. it stands out like a sore thumb. I would say that determining what is NOT love, or rather what is NOT a healthy relationship would be the best way to look at this. All of us know when we have little red flags and alarm bells going off in our heads, and the danger of ending up broken and hurt typically arises when we choose to ignore those warnings and proceed to try and develop a relationship based on hopes that things will change. They change alright... typically for the worse. The trick is listening to your instincts and having the patience to wait for the right one, rather than settling for something you know isn't right - but you wish it were.

A lasting relationship is built on a selfless commitment to cherish, protect, and care for one another. True love is something you give, not get.

[beautifultina 1]

great words of wisdom. "True love is something you give, not get."

You have to love yourself first. Then it opens you up to Fully being capeable to love others around you.

I am not one to talk about relationships. I am 32; never been married and have no children.

[Wheetsin 714]

I think this is one of the three great subjective questions out there. Ask 10 people, get 10 - 15 different answers, and no one is right, nor is anyone wrong because one's notions of love aren't something that are universally applicable.

I have a different viewpoint on love than what's popular, and have to distinguish that I'm talking about "romantic love" and not "love". I truly believe that anyone can make anyone fall in love with them, so to speak, as long as they know what that person needs most in their lives. I don't believe in fate, predetermination, free will, etc. so I would never believe a sentiment like, "we were meant to be" or "soul mates". Though for a lot of people, that is a valid answer. It's that damn subjectivity... (but I think it would be tough to argue that love is, at least in no small part, defined by the experiences of our lives, of our social conditioning (which pretty much defines romance)).

As for finding "the one" - who gives you what you need most?

A dear friend of mine, divorced and remarried, thought he found "the one" the first time. She was beautiful, smart, and he was looking for qualities X, Y and Z. She had them. Then he learned love cheated on him. So how did he define love the second time? He needed to find someone who he knew would stay faithful to him - he was in search of qualities A, B, and C. That person became "the one", even though quite opposite of the first. His needs changed based on his experiences and lessons.

Love is sooo subjective. An abused wife will swear she is in love with an abusive husband. Would someone who has never been in an abusive relationship believe she could trily love that person? Can the ever really know? She will stay with him an endure the physical pain. What can she possibly be getting out of the relationship? Well - she gets attention, and the negative attention of a black eye is better than no attention at all.

Love is a rational exchange in which couples make deals based on their needs, and they succeed to the degree that they master the negotiation process. Love is then either a crazy compulsion or, after couples calm down, a kind of rational friendship where the partners make good deals.

You might have some fun with this. :ban:

From a psy perspective, you may also enjoy this article.

[giveyouthemoon 4]

My parents were married 46 years. Now, I can't say they always had the best marriage but they stuck it out together to the end. When my dad passed last year, my mom was devastated.

So after a memorial for my dad, I asked my mom how they had ended up together....they often seemed at cross agendas.

My mom's reply was something that sticks with me..."we just had so much in common. Our backgrounds were similar, our families were similar, we worked for the same company....he just always understood."

Don't know if that helps...but it's something I've spent a lot of brain cycles considering lately.......

[Alexandra 55]

All of us know when we have little red flags and alarm bells going off in our heads, and the danger of ending up broken and hurt typically arises when we choose to ignore those warnings and proceed to try and develop a relationship based on hopes that things will change.

Yes, yes, yes. In my experience, knowing my true love when it arrived wasn't a lightbulb moment. It was a whole series of lightbulb moments that still continue every day.

My true love treats me well, not just when he wants something or when someone is watching, but all the time. He doesn't make cutting comments or hold grudges. He puts my needs first, unthinkingly and without looking for reward. It took a LONG time for me to understand that this could be real because I was so damaged from the last relationship, but 11 years later I'm convinced beyond a doubt that this is it.

[piercedqt78 658]

I knew that I had found my true love, not because he completed me but because he made me want to express my true self. He wanted to know what was really inside, not just see what he was looking for. He still makes me feel like a princess, just by being there for me. Does that even make sense? ~Mandy

[Sunta 5]

My true love is the person with whom I have the most in common in the world. We like the same shows, the same music (he told me the week after we met that when he finally found a girl who loved his record collection, that would be the girl he married), and have the same sense of humor. That being said, my true also has his own personality, his own life, his own interests, in which I don't share, and vice versa. I let him have his life and encourage his interests, just as he does mine. We do alot of things seperately as well as together. I think I really "knew" it was right when we would stay up talking all night and then still have more to say in the morning. I think it's really hard to relate to someone who does not share any interests, and yet not stimulating enough if someone does not have their own seperate interests too. A requirement I have for love is that the person is as smart or smarter than me. I want someone who is well-read, well traveled, and who has alot of strong interests and passions. I like being able to call my husband up with a question I have, and know he knows the answer. At the same time, I love that he has eclectic interests and tastes. I love coming home to find my husband watching intellectual shows just as much as I love to come home and find him watching the "E True Hollywood Story of the Saved by the Bell cast". My husband is my perfect soul mate, my best friend, and is unconditionally supportive of me at all times. I think the bottom line is that he really "gets" me, more than anyone in the world. He knows how to make me feel better when I'm down, knows what to say when I need advice, and lets me have the space I need to truly be my most authentic self. I love being able to forward my husband a news story or video clip and know he will 100% understand why I sent it, why it's funny/sad/meaningful to me. I love the feeling of being so completely comfortable in someone else's presence, which is a feeling I feel with no one in the world but him. I love the little things he does for me like bringing me surprises from business trips he's taken (one time he actually packed a Chicago-style hot dog and ball park beer in his suitcase and flew with it home to Philly for me because he knew I would love it!) He knows what to get me for Christmas, he inspires me to be a better person, he anticipates my needs and what's important to me. Gee, writing all this, I hope I'm as good to him as he is to me! The main point is, don't settle, Make sure your love is all of this and more. That "one" person IS out there for everyone, it's just a matter of finding him/her.

[Vegaswildflower 0]

Mine, well he is really my Mr. Wonderful, True love, He tells me Im beautiful every morning, no matter how bad my breath is. When I started my Business, he supported me and help me with it all the way, when people ask me why am I so happy and sucessful I say its because he let me stand on his shoulders so I could reach Higher.

He loves me every day ( even when Im fussy, and dont deserve it)

[Wheetsin 714]

Oh, and to answer the question you actually asked -- I guess when we'd been together a while, and could still stand eachother, we decided - "Hey, you're better than nothing!"

I mean come on, I'd *have* to marry anyone who could tolerate me for more than a year!

:ban:

And on kind of a different note, DH and I are opposite, but identical in the ways that really matter - in the ways that will make or break a relationship. We're from different countries, we had different upbringings, we don't like the same movies, we don't like the same tv shows, don't like the same music, have different routines, I like to fall asleep reading and he likes total darkness, I like to shower with the bathroom door open and he wants it closed. You name it, on a superficial level, and we will disagree 100%, 99% of the time.

Bring it to a deeper level -- our beliefs, our values and morals, what we want out of life, what drives us, what our goals are, and we're like two peas in a pod. Don't get me wrong, we have different opinions on things, but when it comes to the types of issues that end marriages, we're in synch. I think this has a lot of merit... we've been married over 8 years and there are times when we annoy each other, and we've pissed each other off, but we don't fight.

And or love stays fresh. We're often asked if we're newly weds, and people are surpised to hear we aren't, because "You guys just seem so in love, you don't normally see that in people married as long as you guys have been." DH picked me up from the airport after a business trip I went on with a co-worker. The next day my co-worker came in and told me all about how cute we were, because as soon as we saw each other our faces lit up and you could "see the love".

People change, and you can either change together and be happy or change differently and grow apart... doing one or the other isn't any one person's fault... "You've changed" really means "we've both changed, but we've gone / instead of | |... we haven't changed in the same ways."

[Poodles 0]

My sweet hubby and I met at Burger King. Dated for a month and got engaged, at four and a half months we were married. He was convinced I would divorce him after I got out of college. I didn't. At year three he was tired of saying "I love you too" so he says, "I told you I loved you once, if I cange my mind I will let you know." At year four he said he was going to leave me, but I went and trapped him (we had our son at year 4 1/2). At year 10 he said he could not leave me because he would have to pay spousal support, and keeping me was cheaper. Now he is saying he will be looking for a "younger model" when we hit year 15, we are at year 12 now. I am not too worried...

Now, my man is not romantic. He writes things like, "I love you more than boats." And at year 10 I was told he loved me more than anything with a motor. But he still opens doors for me, gives me a cuddle and a "hey baby", he never gets on my nerves for more than a week or so, and I am so very happy to see him every night.

I am very lucky to have found my "true love". We have to work at it some times, but most of the time we are miserable without each other.

I know he is my true love because I am depressed without him, happy when he is near, can't stop thinking about him, and would not trade him for anyone else in the world... well maybe for Jackie Chan. (I LOVE Jackie Chan.. swear soon as I find out he likes fat white women, I'm outta here.)

But that is ok, Hubby would leave me for Sandra Bullock.

[Dody 0]

When you know what they are going to say before they say it, and when you finish their sentences for them...well that's your soulmate. Hang onto them.

[wallisj 0]

I certainly have discovered that my love for my wife and her love for me have grown stronger since the op...

She knows i did it for her as much as myself as i don't want to be a fat dad (we're planning to start having a family in around a year) and i want to be a part of it for the long term

I also deeply miss her ... shes away at home (she's from a different country to me) and i am working in the south of france and i'm just miserable cos shes not here with me.

I know its love ... gotta be

[3loves 0]

Such a great thread! I kissed my DH a while ago and told him I would marry him again. We've been married 6.5 yrs and my heart still pitter patters when he calls and comes home from work. We only dated 2 mos b4 we got engaged and married within 9 mos of our first date. We were both 32 and could look past the little stuff. This is the first marriage for both of us. I knew my husband was the one for me b/c of the way he made me feel.....special. My heart ached for him when he wasn't with me. I ached to talk to him when he was out of town. He is my best friend. He is the air I breath.

Like Wheestin, we are so much alike when it comes to beliefs & values & such. However, we are as different as day & night on other things like food and T.V. I talk about everything.....he is like a clam....you have to pry things out of him sometimes.

I always dreamed of finding someone like my dad. Even my family agrees that my husband has a lot of the qualities of my dad. I was lucky. NO, I was blessed. We have 2 beautiful children, want more, and are more in love today than ever before. The Lord does say the "Two shall become one" and I know we will know each other in heaven when our time on earth is done.

BTW, we also finish each other sentences like you Doty. We did that from the beginning. A good sign that it is "True Love".

Also, I don't expect him to change for me. I always tell him if he does something that hurts my feelings. I am an open book. Then it's up to him if he wants to continue to do the things that hurt me and vice versa. We've worked on that since day one and it's a great way to approach life if you ask me.