Obesity and marriage problems

[Dody 0]

Your hubby doesn't deserve you either heavy or skinny. You can get rid of about 175 lbs. easily (give or take a few lbs.) by getting rid of him!!

[babsintx3 0]

Hi Jule,

You were talking about anger. If you think you are angry now, just think of how angry you will be once you start losing the weight. A therapist told me that I would not be successful with the lapband because I had an anger management problem. The first docs office did a psych profile and it showed that people with my "anger profile" did not do well with banding. I proved them wrong, lost the weight, but I am still angry all the time. LOL

I am Angry for putting up with a family that doesnt appreciate me. (thats the way I feel sometimes) Angry because friends who I thought were friends are no longer around. Angry because now that I am thinner, a whole world of opportunity is waiting for me and I dont know what to do now that I can do anything. Angry at the time that I feel was wasted as a morbidly obese person. Anger that I can never eat like I did before without gaining weight. Anger at people that seem to be able to eat anything without gaining weight....... Anger can sometimes be fear, jealousy. You need to get a grip on it. Dealing with it after you lose the weight is an option, but dealing with it now will be better in the long run.

Maybe you need to get angry enough to realize that anyone who stays with you and cant love you unconditionally doesnt deserve you.......

I am not saying that your husband doesnt have some valid reasons here to be less than happy with the relationship, but he aint winning any brownie points here staying with you just because you have a kid....

Work on you, the anger and your weight and most importantly, think about what is best for you and your child. He seems like he is capable of taking care of himself.....

Babs in TX

334/180ish

-150 ish

[DonnaB 3]

Hi Jules,

I'm glad you posted here, the people here are so incredibly loving and supportive. When I first joined it felt like I had just met a group of ready-made best friends who all understood exactly what I was going through. I hope that's how you feel too.

Like a lot of people who read your post I was furious with your husband and frustrated with you for repeatedly defending him. I think you've had lots of good advise and now you have to decide what to do with it. Which advise to take and when, which advise to consider at a later date, and which advise to just ignore. Some of it I hope you'll look into TODAY. Counselling for yourself and CPAP (nightime breathing machine to get some energy back) are two I hope you'll jump on TODAY.

I have two more pieces of advise that I hope you'll take:

1) Start a journal. Write down EVERYTHING, especially the emotional abuse your husband is dealing out. This is going to be hard because you don't seem to feel he is being abusive. You've got to see this from the perspective of a mother - would you put up with someone saying hurtful things like that to your child? Would your mother and/or father see his comments as abusive? Please try to use someone else's perspective here because your self-esteem and situation don't seem to be allowing you to think clearly for yourself.

2) Get an envelope, find a place to keep it hidden and start putting a little money in it every day. Even if it's only a little bit of money, put some in EVERY DAY. On days when you've got a little more money in hand, put a little more than you normally do into the envelope. Make sure the envelope stays your secret. I know it's hard and it seems impossible but you can find a couple of dollars a day and sock it away. When your envelope has $50 - $100 in it, go open a savings account that is in your name only and then start putting money in the envelope again. Repeat. You're going to need this money later - either for buying a new wardrobe or for hiring a lawyer. If it's the lawyer, that journal will come in REAL handy. You can't take care of your child unless you take care of yourself first.

I hope the band is the answer to all your prayers. I will tell you it's a lot of work. Your dieting days aren't over, they're just beginning, but at least this time you'll have the right tool to help you stay the course. I don't want to throw a shadow over your lap-band plans but consider this, after losing weight, your skin is probably going to be loose, your boobs are probably going to be loose. Is your husband going to forgive you these flaws? Or will it just begin again?

Counselling and self-esteem are going to be your saviors.

Sorry if I sound 'preachy', I really don't intend to be. I just want you to come out on the other side of this healthy and happy and whole. Good luck Jules. We're all pulling for you.

I just thought of another piece of advise: Print out this thread and give it to your husband! It's an eye-opener!

[JanetC 2]

Jules:

(( Hugs!!! )) I cannot begin to know where you're coming from, but know that you are valued & loved & are WORTH IT!!

My advice on sorting through feelings... by the numbers. I'm attaching 2 documents. One labeled: "Must Haves", one labeled "Can't Stands". (NOTE: These are Word documents, if they don't open for you, let me know, I can throw them in notepad.)

Take these lists & put them in order for you. I did this exercise 5 years ago... I would probably list them differently now. These lists helped me decide what's REALLY important for me. Mikey sorted the lists as well & then we discussed them. It was interesting to see how we differed... and how well we are matched for each other. When I get irritated with him, or he with me, it's nice to know that underneath, our numbers add up. :ban:

One thing to remember (at least according to some therapists)... sex & appearance are very important to men. Security & an "atmosphere of love" are important to women. These needs are not really compatible, but the hope is that if a woman feels loved & secure she'll want to fulfill the man's needs, and visa versa. One part of the equation failing will cause the entire thing to fail. I.E. If the man refuses to cuddle because he's not getting any, it MAY cause the woman to be less open to sex. And if the woman chooses not to, um, fulfill her husband's needs because she's not feeling secure, he may then be less open to cuddling or making her feel secure.

I'm not at ALL excusing your husband, but he should get props for telling you that something's bugging him. He certainly could use some lessons in how to discuss painful stuff, lol, but at least he spoke up!

Either way, no matter what you decide, know that we're here for you & support you! Feeling better about yourself will definitely help all the way around... love starts with you.

Good luck & congrats on the surgery date!!

MustHaves.doc

CantStands.doc

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Print out this thread and give it to your husband

While I agree with 99.9999% of what you have said. that might be a major no-no

My first marriage was physically abusive, I would say emotional abuse can and often does lead to physical/sexual abuse.

Not sure I would tell him anything other than, she isn't giving up on herself and she is doing the band for her and then re-evaluate her life after that point and see to go from there.

Of course, I can give good advice BUT do I take my own? nooo lol Just a perspective from my point....

[vinesqueen 2]

Bing! The light goes on! TILLY you are a genious! It very well could be sleep apnea, I know that's how I felt after I developed it. Jules, call your doc and see if you can get a sleep study done. Do you wake up exhausted? A sure sign!

Angel, thank you so very much for sharing with us. I know you don't post often, but this was a WOW post.

Jules, I wanted to give you another (((((hug)))))

[Guest ASPHALT ANGEL]

Jules,

I too felt angry all the time, tired, & depressed and I taked to my Family Dr. and she put me on Zoloft...first 50 mg a day and then up to 100mg a day. My husband could tell right away.

I was always angry at him for somthing...

I also had sleep apnea and did the machine for about a year and that sure helped with the tiredness and the fuzzy feeling I alwasy felt in the mornings. I no longer use the machine but I am still on the Zoloft.

My husband also told me about 3 months ago that with all the extra weight I was carrying he was not sexually attracted either. Well I poured myself into my exercise and have lost weight and now he says I am fine....but he still ain't getting any as far as I am concerned. He made his bed he can sleep alone in it. We have alot of other issues too but that was the final one for me. I am sure he would really like to eat his words because I get attention from other guys when we are out now. I just look at him and say hhhmmmm guess he doesn't think I'm too fat. He always apologizes but it just doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. I am taking it one day at a time for right now and working on me. I told him when I am done with me if he is still around then I will see if I can work on us. I have two beautiful children and he is a great father to them. We are living more like roommates right now. Maybe somday that will change but for now it seems to be working.

You should talk to your dr. about a sleep apnea study and try to get on some anti depressants. Believe me they work.

Hope this helped in some way.

[one too many 1]

Now don't pelt me with your #*#*#**#* but we all want our men is our lives to be honest with us.Most of us all have had our men saying along the same lines and we all have felt like crap there after.However I moan when my man gets into bed and stinks.Like I want to be close to him when he is like that let along attracted to him so as much as it hurts they think different to us and I think they believe what they might say makes a difference / might even motivated us.Like hell . But they are men .I have lost almost all my weight and when were wern't having sex that often I always believed and was lead to believe it was my weight which was causing it NOT the case I think it was just an EXCUSE THAT THEY CAN'T DO IT LIKE THEY DID WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER. We are going into our peaks when sadly they start to loose it.We all need to try to blame others.Be kind to you fella as there maybe more to it than the weight issue .Good luck and Iam sure he does love you more than he knows and will even more in the future.

[babyjane 0]

listen to LilAngel..........she seems so wise for someone so young.

many, many things on this thread sound familiar. i use a scooter when out

in public....my husband and kids are used to unloading it, etc. after 2 yrs.

but i know at times they might be embarassed. they don't usually show it

and NEVER say anything about it. my husband of almost 20 yrs has also

NEVER said anything about my weight.. i weighed 225 when we met. i think i will keep him!! but as a young woman, i was in an abusive relationship..and made bad decisions. you can only make good ones-ones that are right for you, if you FEEL YOU DESERVE IT !! i know you deserve

it--try to be strong and take time to think about what is right for you.

life will take us in many directions, sometimes we can decide where, sometimes it is out of our hands. you cannot control another grown person....you can only control yourself. just because we may not control

our weight or eating habits, does not mean we are out of control in other

aspects of our lives. personally, i am a control freak...but as the years go by, i seem to stop trying to control things THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER !!! take a breath and trust that you will do the right thing.....in your

heart you probably know yourself very well.......i love reading all the messages on this site and have learned from so many already.........YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL..