Obesity and marriage problems

[willybe 0]

I have to also agree with Alex......and its a personal opinion.....but he is a very shallow person. weight has nothing to do with loving someone. here is my mouth full.....He has a contol issue, he is keeping you down so you wont leave him. He is the one with the problem... but he can control you by making you fell the way you do about yourself. I fell for you.... the bad part is you proably love him very much.... and he dont deserve it.....

[sleepyjean 0]

This doesn't sound like a guy who's going to stick by you through thick and thin. What happens when you get old? Will he take off on you? Or just make you miserable by sticking around and pointing out how old and wrinkly you are?

[K@t 38]

I'm pretty sure that my husband looks at it from this perspective: he pays all the bills and worries about our financial security in addition to participating in child-rearing and house-cleaning, so why can't I get it together and do this one thing?

And it sounds like your seeing it from his perspective as well. You have gotten some great advice here, and your only response is to defend your husband. I truly hope you can find the strength to become the person that you want to be, and not the one your husband wants you to be.

[Kelliebelly 13]

My Dh stuck by me while I hugely fat, but a few times letting me know he didnt like it/was embaressed by the way I dressed etc because of my weight.

I have to say I think alot of how our husbands feel about us when we are big are reflected on how we feel about ourselves. I hated myself, thought I was the hugest most ugliest person in the world. I pretty much went off at him anytime he did give me a compliment because I didnt believe him.

I dont agree with the Ill leave you if you dont lose weight, but I do think being big and the way some of us feel about ourselves is enough to drive our partners away. I was extreme and I cant put into words or stress enough that i dont know how my Dh made it through those fat years.

The self loathing, the no self esteem and vicious seemingly endless cycle of up and down dieting. Feeling good for a couple of weeks when I lost some weight, then hating myself again when I put it back on and more. I felt so out of control, and I was getting bigger and bigger. I couldnt get a grip.

If I felt like this and acted the way I did, how on earth could someone be expected to unconditonally love me. He did, but man, it must have been the hardest thing for him doing it.

[Kelliebelly 13]

Forgot to add, defending her husband would be natural. Presuming she loves this man, excuses will be made for things we do. I do know when my self esteem was at my lowest and I was in an abusive relationship (prior to Dh), I could have made a million and one excuses as to why he hit me/emotionally abused me. It didnt matter what anyone else said, I defended him. I loved him or thought I did and would put up with anything he dished out...simply because I didnt think I deserved any better. I went through this kind of thinking for half my life and it is only in the last few months that I actually am starting to believe I can expect and actually demand more.

[Kelliebelly 13]

Jules, I keep thinking about you. You and I seem so very similiar and have been in similiar circumstances. If you are anything like me, your whole way of thinking will change when you start to lose weight. I know people will think we should love ourselves and respect ourselves no matter what size we are. Well that is just not the case with some of us.

Focus for the time being on you...this is about you. I really do think once some of your weight comes off and your self confidence and self worth comes back you will decide whether or not you are willing to settle for anything less than what you truely deserve.

Hugs

[julesmck 0]

Kel, thank you so much for your thoughts.

What you say about why I'm defending my husband is exactly right.

BTW, he hasn't threatened to leave if I don't lose weight - he simply says if our son weren't around he doesn't know if he could put up with the mood swings, the lethargy, the irritability, etc.

I am just so ANGRY all the time. As they say, I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and I do take it out on him. Like you described your behavior towards your husband pre-surgery, when my husband compliments me I let him have it because I know how he "really" feels about me. If he wants to go see friends I put up a nasty fuss because I'm ashamed to be seen in this state. If he wants to go for a walk I'm too tired. He has a stomach problem and if he doesn't eat within ten minutes of feeling hunger pains he feels terrible for days after. So last week he had to pop into a fast-food restaurant when he first got hungry and I couldn't hide my jealous rage because he and my son were sharing a grilled cheese sandwich! I swear to G__ I feel like a monster sometimes.

Where does the rage come from exactly? Were you angry all the time pre-surgery? I have very low frustration tolerance and my lack of energy has rendered me unable to roll with the punches of everyday life. I don't know if it's because my blood sugar is out of whack (I'm not diabetic -yet) or what the hell is going on.

Which is why I feel justified in saying, "who can blame him"????

I just got off the phone with my surgeon and finalized the surgery date so that is a relief. He doesn't do bypass surgery but said he's had several bypass patients come in for banding after their bodies adjusted to the bypass and they started gaining the weight back. Makes me feel more confident in the banding choice.

Thank you all for listening,

Jules

[Kelliebelly 13]

Jules,

I know exactly where you are coming from because every word I read that you have typed could have been me. My DH used to beg me to go to the work picnics/BBQs. There was no way I would go to anything like that. I didnt want his workmates seeing how fat I was. Anywhere we had to go where I didnt know people or know I wouldnt be comfortable I wouldnt go. I didnt like eating at restaurants because I thought everyone would talk about me. The anger comes from within. We are angry with ourselves for letting ourselves get this way. We are angry because we are out of control.

BTW, he hasn't threatened to leave if I don't lose weight - he simply says if our son weren't around he doesn't know if he could put up with the mood swings, the lethargy, the irritability, etc.

That is exactly the same for me too pre banding. The mood swings, oh boy I actually questioned my sanity several times. I thought for these mood swings to be so bad I must have something wrong in the head. I remember so many times Dh saying he felt like he had to walk on egg shells with me. He was scared coming home from work because he didnt know what mood he would find me in.

It all seems down now, p lease believe me life is about to change. It may not be for the better, because you may not like things you discover on theway, then again you might...know this though, it will change. After you are banded and you start losing weight, changes start happening inside and out. Only you will decide where you want the changes to take you, but again if you are anything like me...the energy will come back, for each kg you lose the self confidence will come back, the self esteem and self worth. All of a sudden you are fun to be around again, you want to do more. Life becomes happy again. Stop and smell the roses on the way.

Read this when you feel down Jules

During times of stress, troubles, trials one thing

good to remember is to take one day at a time. We

don't need to worry about the past. It's already done.

We don't need to worry about the future, it's not here

yet. JUST TODAY. If we can learn to make the best of

each day and in really difficult times just make it

through this day.. one day at a time.. we will make

it.

[tilly 5]

He says he is not attracted to me and admitted yesterday that he would divorce me were it not for the fact that it would screw up our son. It's not only the extra weight that he objects to - it's the lethargy and self-absorption (due to a total lack of energy) that comes with it. I can't blame him

.

just a thought but I was feeling the same way and blamed the weight, turned out I had sleep apnea and once I got the cpap machine the exhaustion and lethargy left me, just a suggestion, but it doesnt half help and make a difference.

[Ms. Vicki 0]

I just have to tell you guys what a blessing this thread as been (as well as LapBandTalk in general). With every thread I read, I'm validated that what I feel or have ever felt is not something unique to me. So many of us "sisters" have gone through similar struggles whether it is our weight, sex life, abuse, marital problems, health issues or emotional turmoil. I am not alone and knowing I have you all to talk things over with is extremely comforting. I thank every one of you for this place of safety and non-judgmental support. I love each of you dearly.

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Where does the rage come from exactly? Were you angry all the time pre-surgery? I have very low frustration tolerance and my lack of energy has rendered me unable to roll with the punches of everyday life.

Jules, honestly take a look at your life - be honest with yourself....It's a hard thing to do, but after doing that you might find where the rage is coming from.

I cannot tell you how bad I feel when I read your posts - I think more of us are in your shoes than we want to admit.

C'mon ladies we ALL know and have heard all our lives, that men are visually stimulated. i.e. the reason a woman's body either excites or repulses them.

Dang it. some men just think with the wrong head sometimes! and cannot see past the outer self.

[rant on]My husband and I have some major issues over this very matter - and I won't stand by and let him make me feel bad because HE has to do certain things and act like he is single instead of married. [rant off]

Anyway, I am so glad to hear you scheduled with your doctor. This is something to do for YOU and you will be happier and healthier, with or without your husband :biggrin1:

[LilAngel 0]

I rarely have so much to share, but I must reach out to you. I know you. You are me. Please, I urge you to consider this reply.

I hope this will not be perceived as condescending. I speak from experience. I spent years in a relationship that was NEVER obviously abusive. He was the love of everyone we knew and everyone thought that I had it made. Even me sometimes. Weight seemed to be to blame for everything that was wrong though, and certainly the root of my self-hate. It turned out though, that this person didn’t want what he perceived as damaged goods no matter what the issue was. Finally with weight watchers I started losing the weight, but my joint problems are not related totally to weight and they still got worse over time.

It all came to a head during a trip to the zoo. I was having a horrible time limping around, in pain and struggling. I was almost in tears when I swallowed my pride to take a wheel chair. I had never done that in my life, and I was humiliated by admitting my weakness. I just didn’t want to ask him go home because of my problem because he loves the zoo and being outdoors and active. Then it came…the knife. He said “No, pushing you around in a wheel chair isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I would just rather go home.” This man, who was so seemingly gentle and kind, and yes, wonderful with kids, was, at the heart of things, cold and unthinking. That was the beginning of the end and I have regained happiness since then. After finally learning to love myself, I then started dating a man while I was on Topamax and thin, and now have ballooned into a big big girl. He still tells me I am beautiful. He supported me in my surgery and even loaned me the money and we aren’t even engaged. He keeps encouraging me even though I haven’t lost weight very well because of other medical issues. That is real love. That is real support. John, that is his name, would push me in a wheel chair for the rest of my days if necessary and pop wheelies with me all the way. He has known this is a possibility for me from the beginning, but sees my worth far above that.

YOU ARE SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY!!! This is taking care of “this one thing.” He should be jumping up and down for you! Why? Because this is not a weight loss scheme! Has he researched it with you? Does he show interest in this process and what will be happening? If weight loss is truly the answer, then right now, he should be feeling a renewed sense of hope, and so should you.

But is it?

This is a very complex issue. You have responsibility to love yourself. There is no doubt about that. And that is not just a feel good notion that I throw your way just to make you feel better. If you cannot, you won’t be happy with anyone, and it can destroy everything you love. Now with that said, I do not mean to cause despair. I KNOW that is not just something you decide to do and POOF! you suddenly think you are awesome. It is a process, but one that is up to ONLY YOU and it is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE. There a lot of things you can do to get started. Counseling is one obvious one. It is likely that larger issues and addiction drive the weight, and this will only be discovered in deep self-discovery. THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

BUT!!!!!!! His IS TO LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. Yes, UNCONDITIONALLY. “Just because we took vows?” YES!!!! That is exactly why. If you were in a terrible accident and were paralyzed, what would be the outcome in your marriage? Only you know the answer to that. That answer is very important. Why? Because this parallel can create a very similar situation without the stigma and blame of weight gain. However, it can also produce the same bad characteristics in our loved ones. The fact is though, then, they do not have the luxury of blaming, judging, pointing the finger, and pretending there are far above you because of “your condition.” How do you REALY THINK he would behave? Again, REALLY. Be honest with your self. I do not pretend to know that answer, but you must find it.

I have seen both sides. Think long and hard about what you deserve. YOU ARE NOT YOUR WEIGHT. YOU ARE NOT A FAT CELL. YOU ARE A WOMAN WORTH LOVING.

Please PM me if you wan to discuss more. It so much deeper than what I can write here and I know you understand that. I hope this helps.

[kathlnc 0]

Well, I can't add much to what the other very wise people have written on this thread. But I do have an answer about your interactions with your husband and your anger.

A counselor told me one time that we're all in a dance of life. Sometimes it's a dance of fear, sometimes a dance of anger, sometimes a dance of joy....always a dance. And the thing to remember is that when one person stops dancing, the dance is OVER. You can't change your husband's perception of you, his vision of you, or his feelings for you. But you can stop dancing the dance you are doing with him.

Maybe you don't have energy. Maybe you have mood swings. Maybe you have low self-esteem. Sometimes you just have to act AS IF things were different. You are about to embark on the most wonderful (and maybe the most difficult) journey of your life. Getting the lapband will change so many aspects of who you are and how you think about yourself. Go with that....let it evolve as it must....be your authentic self....trust the process.

I wish you the best. I know you have inner strength, even though you're feeling battered right now. Even if you want to end your marriage, you don't have to do it right this minute. See where the journey takes you....you will know if/when the time is right to choose another path. There is a great quote by Maya Angelou:

"Each of us has the right and the responsibility to asses the roads which lie ahead and those over which we have traveled, and if the future road looms ominous or unpromising, and the road back uninviting, then we need to gather our resolve and carrying only the necessary baggage, step off that road into another direction. If the new choice is also unpalatable, without embarrassment, we must be ready to change that one as well."

-- Maya Angelou

[TheWomanWithin 0]

Ahhhh... I love Maya Angelou, she is such an inspiration

[Alexandra 55]

Then it came…the knife. He said “No, pushing you around in a wheel chair isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I would just rather go home.”

Oh my god. I can so hear my ex saying something exactly like that, and I'd be carrying around the pain for days and weeks following. Angel, everything you say is SO TRUE. Thank you for taking the time to share.