Obesity and marriage problems

[julesmck 0]

Here's my sob story:

When I met my husband nine years ago I was relatively thin. I've always had a problem with my weight and we just happened to meet during one of the good times. I was on fen-phen at the time and he feels that was deceptive since he didn't really know what he was getting into.

Well, fen-phen is off the market and I'm about 80 lbs. overweight. I have a 3-yr old, my mother died two years ago, I just finished a graduate degree, and my family lives across the country, all of which have compunded my original inclination towards emotional eating.

We've spent tons of money on weight-loss schemes, but to no avail. He says he is not attracted to me and admitted yesterday that he would divorce me were it not for the fact that it would screw up our son. It's not only the extra weight that he objects to - it's the lethargy and self-absorption (due to a total lack of energy) that comes with it. I can't blame him.

Of course his lack of empathy makes me want to head for the cookie jar even more, though I know he's right. I mean, he didn't sign on for being married to someone he finds physically repulsive. How can I blame him when I find myself repulsive?

The problem is the more weight I gain the less control I seem to have over it. And there is a little bit of rebellion thrown in I guess. I'm scheduled for surgery May 19 (lap-band) so I'm hoping this will help give me some energy. Sigh. Perhaps divorce is the answer but it's hard to tell. I won't know 'til I get my health back and am able to survey the landscape with a clear head.

Thanks for listening.

[sparkling 0]

I hope all works out well for you. Can't say I'm in the same boat you are. My husband and I met 20 years ago. I wasn't as heavy as I am now but I must admit he has stood by me throughout all my weight changes and I guess I'm fortunate to say he really loves me for me. Welcome to band land

[Kelliebelly 13]

Wow, I just posted something similiar in my 1 yr bandaversary thread. very similiar stories. Dh and I got together after one of my starvation modes. I was thin all of 5 mins, but it was in that 5mins I met him. It took me about 6 mths to slowly work my way back up to the huge weight I was before and the poor guy didnt know what hit him. With the weight gain came all my fears and demons again. It was a terrible 4 years or so before I was banded, I dont know how we survived, but we did.

I wish you all the best and I truely know how you feel.

hugs

[Alexandra 55]

My heart goes out to you. In my personal opinion, a significant other who can't see past weight issues isn't worth having. That's my view after a lifetime of excess weight and several unhappy and a few happy relationships. Sure, physical attraction is important and if one partner "repulses" the other there's likely no hope for the relationship. But if it's only excess weight causing that "repulsion" the relationship just wasn't on a strong enough foundation to start with.

The same is true for big people who find their spouses turning away when weight is lost. Some people like their spouses large, and can't accept a thinner version. Can't? Or won't? What else is really going on?

Personally, for my peace of mind the best decision I ever made was to simply ignore people who felt I was worth less because I was larger. It was hard to do, especially when I was in school, but I don't have time in my life for anyone who is that petty and demeaning. Including boyfriends. Including husbands. No marriage or relationship is worth letting someone else make me feel like crap all the time. If my partner can't look at me with love, well, that's my exit cue.

Obviously this is just my experience and may or may not ring true for anyone else. I am much more than my size, and I don't have to buy in to other people's narrowmindedness about it. Life is too damned short. And when we fall in love with the RIGHT person, we find support in our weight struggles, not contempt.

[shackdog 1]

First of all believe in yourself, I know one thing for sure. "God does not make junk" He made you and you are a rare jewel. My wife and I have now been married for 28yrs and she has stood at my side the whole time, our prayers are with you, and I know that whatever happens will be the best for you. He is in control and already knows the outcome.

[carlacollins 0]

I am sorry that this is happening to you...BUT if my hubby cannot accept me when I am heavy then he cannot accept me when I am thin- NO EXCEPTIONS......Loving someone means loving through thick and thin- for better or worse..for sickness and in health.....So if you had breast cancer and had to have a breast removed would he love you less.....if that is how he feels then he isnt worth having...just my 2 cents on how I would handle it...hang in there...Much love

[jtrek 0]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can believe your hubby is that shallow. He should love you unconditionally!! I hope being banded helps. Take care of yourself and hang in there.

[julesmck 0]

Thank you all for your kind replies. bigbellykellie, you are truly an inspiration - just knowing you've made it through to the other side gives me hope.

To those posters who suggest I ditch him because he doesn't love me unconditionally, I can't help asking myself whether there really is such a thing as "unconditional" love when you're dealing with two adults. He likens it to being married to a heroin addict or an alcoholic. Should he put up with any behavior on my part that adversely affects the whole family just because we took vows?

And to those posters who've suggested that maybe the relationship isn't based on such strong stuff to begin with if this is all it takes to knock it down, well that's definitely something to think about...

Thanks again for your thoughts and please keep them coming!

[giveyouthemoon 4]

My gut reaction here is if he'd said he's struggling in the relationship because he can't stand seeing you so unhappy all the time....that I can understand....but to say he is replused by your appearance is shallow as hell and heartwrenching to hear. How possibly can THAT help you to feel better when your support system isn't being supportive???

I have to tell you this.....getting banded is a tough road. And not having support as you go down this road worries me. He will also need to understand that for a while you can only drink liquids. And when you eat food you can't eat the things you did before and you have to go slow.

Is this guy going to stick by your side when you are crying your eyes out cuz your incisions ache and you are tired of liquids and just need to grieve the loss of food? Because that is real and that's going to happen. It's a rite of pasage we all go through.

I honestly and truly suggest that you seek the advice of a qualified counselor. Going into surgery with your head like this is going to be very tough. Don't try to get your husband to go with you...YOU GO seek therapy for yourself. It will help you find your internal core of strength. Then all decisions you make will be from strength and not from demoralization.

You deserve the best. You are wonderful and amazing and perfect just as you are RIGHT NOW. So find someone to work with your thoughts a little bit and you'll be able to see that too.

You have all the love and support you need here. Your LBT family is here.....

[carlacollins 0]

You are right giveyou....Your LBT family loves you regardless- let us be your support!

[Ms. Vicki 0]

I totally agree with Alex. True love is UNconditional...always. I am very blessed to have a husband that has accepted my obesity from day one. Talk about an odd couple, when we married 16 years ago, he was 29 yrs old, never been married, no kids, was 5'0" tall and weighed 130 lbs. I, on the other hand, was 35 yrs old, had been recently been divorced, had 2 kids, was 5'6" tall and weighed 270 lbs! He says he fell in love with my heart (but claims to love my body too!)

I have to admit that our sex life had been really bad lately: he is more than willing, but I feel so "ugly". And the truth be told, I am uncomfortable with it. Not emotionally, but physically. I can't breathe and just feel miserable. The desire is definitely not there. We cuddle a lot though and I DO enjoy that. He is so kind and understanding. I know he gets frustrated, but never complains. He does and says all the right things to help me "get in the mood", but nothing seems to work. Hopefully, as I lose the weight, things will improve. ANYWAY, (boy did I get sidetracked.....sorry, must have needed to vent). Back to the real subject; I get the impression that your marriage may have more issues to address than merely the weight gain. When my husband and I got married we promised to love through better or worse, in sickness and in health. I understand that weight can be a turnoff, but the love should be there regardless. You AND your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[julesmck 0]

Thank you all for being so kind - it really does mean so much to me!

As for my husband's lack of support, he has definitely been more supportive in the past (though truthfully his support is more of the "you know what you need to do so just do it" variety with a few hugs and pep talks sprinkled in ) but at this point I think he is just completely fed up.

Over the years I've embarked on every new weight-loss endeavor with high hopes and I've dragged him along with me, both financially and emotionally. In the end, we've both been disappointed, over and over.

Anyway, as I said I think he's just fed up at this point and I can't really blame him.

[Wheetsin 714]

My situation is kind of like yours, and kind of not. I, too, met my husband before I got fat. However, he has never told me once that he is not attracted to me, or that he would divorce me b/c of that.

IMO - I think your husband is being a shallow ass. There are lots of reasons to be attracted to someone other than the condition of their body - intelligence, character, personality, etc. The silver lining here is that your husband feels comfortable sharing very strong feelings with you that a lot of other men would keep to themselves. The black cloud is that he really shouldn't feel that way to begin with.

[Dianechef 3]

Hi Jule!

Same here!! I weighed 165 when we got married. I was also on Phen-fen. However, over the course of time I gained 100 lbs. My husband has never said one negative word about my weight! Of course he wants me to be healthy, but he has told me over & over that he loves ME for who I am & all that comes with it. And, in return he would expect me to love him with all his flaws as well.

Reading your post was very sad. It sounds as if you have listened to him for a very long time & now TRULY believe that you are repulsive & unattractive. I am so sorry that you feel that way!! I am sure that you are a beautiful person regardless of how much you weigh. I know several people who are attrative on the outside but are truly ugly people when you get to know them. It's who you are on the inside that counts!! Your husband is missing out - BIG TIME!!!

I agree that you need some counseling for this. Just because you lose weight, your problems aren't going to go away. You need a good support group who loves you unconditionally & will support you through thick & thin. If your husband had a problem, I am positive you would be right there to support him through it. You deserve the same!!!

I hesitate to say this for those who may be offended by religious comments, but I'm just going to put it out there...

What keeps me going everyday is knowing that when I leave this world, I will meet up with God who will love me for who I am. There will be no scales to stand on & I won't have to prove myself to him. It's what I did for others & what kind of a person I am that will count!! NO SCALES!!

I wish you the best Jule!! *HUGS*

[vinesqueen 2]

Oh you wicked, wicked woman! You tricked your husband because you gained weight! Oh the poor baby! The horrors of his situation!

All right, enought of that crap.

Okay, You just finished a graduate degree and you have a 3 year-old child, and where is the lethargy? Hello! I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you have been doing the majority of the house work and being primary caregiver for your baby.

Jules, hunny, you deserve so much better that this self absorbed and abusive man. You only deserve the best that the universe has to offer. Like Shackdog said, you are a rare jewel and have every right to be treated as such! I got very angry when I read your first post, and I'm not angry with you. You have my deepest sympathy.

It sounds to me like you are living with emotional and some verbal abuse. Repulsive indeed. Harumph. If you are told the same thing over and over and over, you will begin to believe that thing to be true, even if it is a vile lie. And he's lying to you. You are not repulsive, not by any stretch.

Unconditional love is very possible, no matter how many adults are involved. We don't lose our capasity to be loving as we age. Nor do we lose our ability to be lovable and loved. You deserve to have someone who finds you attractive, no matter what. And I'm serious about this.

Please find yourself a good councelor/therapist who has experince dealing with abuse issues.

Oh, and your baby will not be damaged by divorce. I think being raised knowing your father is repulsed and abuses your mother is oh so much more damaging than being raised in a loving and nurturing family.

PM me if you need me.