Keeping It A Secret

[4sweeties 63]

I am a private person and am only telling my husband about my surgery. I'm not the type to generally talk about any procedures I'm having done, even, common ones so this is not out of the ordinary for me. There are some people I trust would be supportive but they would tell one or two close other people and I don't want that. I also don't want negative comments or judgements or to have to explain my decision to anyone at this point. I feel it's best for me personally not to tell anyone that IKIRL. That's why I need this support page so badly.

Has anyone done this? Do you feel guilty about white lies? For example, for all the pre op visits I needed grandparents to help watch the kids. When they would ask where I was going, I would say something similar like an appointment. What kind? the dentist. I felt bad for that.

Will the words LAPBANDTALK come up on my emails? Not that others read my emails but if I have my account open at work and someone walks over to chat, I don't want to have to minimize the screen.

Thanks for your help.

[SageTracey 608]

It is entirely up to you as to whether you share this surgery with so never feel bad for choosing to keep it private. Your feelings may change over time, mine certainly did, but again, that is a personal decision.

Re the emails - you can turn off your settings on the site so that you don't get notifications if you don't want them. If you do want them, why not use your private email address, or set one up?

[wildrose1966 396]

I told 6 people prior to surgery, didn't want people giving me their opinions, didn't want to hear the 'bad' stories, didn't want people watching everything I ate or did. I am 6 weeks post op, and have told 3 more people, maybe some more family soon, but what is done is done and I don't really care anymore. I am certainly not announcing it on Facebook nor am I telling people who I don't trust and consider friends, I have not interest in tell work people..........so I guess for me it is just one person at a time.

[Banjo257 920]

4sweeties- I compleyely get where you are coming from! And, you are tight, humans have a very difficult time with "keeping secrets". I told me husband and kids and my oldest(19) told his girlfriend so then I felt obligated to tell the people I definitely didn't want to tell...my parents(they worry), my brother and his wife(they judge and gossip).

My white lie was for awhile, I was going to a nutritionist. I was then going to say, when weight started to disappear, I was on a strict diet(Truth!!).

But now since I don't know who knows, if someone is nosy enough I'll tell.

to ask,

[Banjo257 920]

*nosy enough to ask, i'll tell

[destynee1 417]

It is definitely a personal choice who you want to know something personal like this about yourself. I felt the same as you.. I have a lot of close people to me, I told them..I announced on FB that I was having surgery and to pray for me for a fast recovery, ( I was so scared of the pain I heard ) lol but I didn't say why and I had hoped that the ones that did know didn't mention it on their comments, so I went through the trouble of making a special group that ended up to be quite large and it was only able to be read by them. I was verrry surpised to see how much support my family/friends gave me for doing this. Made me feel good to have them by myself, besides for me.. It would only be time before others found out. So whoever asked, I told.. some I actually said it was personal.. in a nice way and they respected that. It does feel good not to care and have support. I tell them how these boards have been a life savior.

Good Luck on whatever you decide in the future, Don't let anyone make you feel bad for making the best decision you could have made for yourself. <3

[4sweeties 63]

Hi...thank you all for the good advice, kind words and support. That's what I need since right now I am basically putting it all on one person. (Plus the team at the surgery center to answer all my questions). I unchecked everything in the settings so I think that will keep emails out of my inbox. My inbox even shows up my phone with subject and from, (I like that setting so I don't want to turn it off), but there are times when if I'm walking away to get something that the person closest to phone will say oh you have a message from so and so. A bit rude but it doesn't bother me becuase I have no emails to hide. Until now. It seems hard to set up another email address and keep track of it, but I like that idea and I'm sure it's not hard. lol I'm good at the computer and can handle harder stuff. Plus setting up another email address for websites I don't know if I trust as far as sharing my email with unwanted web sites, I always say I really should have another email address. I' going to get on that. Then figure iut how to switch this account over to that, or will I have to start a new account? Hmm I'll figure that out. I'll wait to see if I get lapbandtalk.com emails yet. So far according to my settings I should be good.

I am not against telling people in the future if I feel like it. But besides being private, I hear these bad stories about people saying hurtful things and until I am further along on my journey I don't want to deal with that. Unfortunately, even my closest friends would tell their husband, one other friend etc. So I'll hold off. I have good friends that maybe I will tell because if they tell anyone it won't really get back to anyone. Ex- college friends that live states away.

This one experience is always in the back of my head: On Facebook a current neighborhood ( not where I grew uo where I live now about 30 mins away) friend of mine and and my high school friend came up as common friends. I hadn't talked to my high school friend in 10 years but it was fun reconnecting through facebook and catching up. When my neighborhood friend saw I knew her she asked how and I said oh she's a really good person we had so much fun together in highschool. My neighborhood friend proceeded to tell me how she had WLS 5 years ago. I was thinking, hmm why is she telling me this. As if it defined her. She didn't even know from my high school friend herself. Her mom told her mom and here I was finding out. I didn't think it was appropriate. My h.s. friend never mentioned it to me when I said wow your kids are adorable and you look beautiful. And I don't feel she had to. I just feel like you never know who is going to tell who and I am not comfortable with that.

My own kids are young. I'm not telling them now. I'll know when the day is right I will tell them.

It feels good to find some people who did not tell many people. It is hard to find. I know support is a huge part of this, so I hope it works out for me this way.

[Mayasgram 351]

While I was going through the process for me 18 months only very close friends knew I didn't tell relatives they were all out of town anyway. Just before surgery I told my sister all I have left of my sibs. She was concerned but supportive.

After surgery people obviously knew and I was like this is what I did. I mean it was no secret I had a weight problem it was after all out there literally.

I followed the diet to the letter and so of course people noticed that when I didn't have my face in my plate but picked and chewed and stopped slurping down those Diet Cokes.

This is what I think and FOR ME it was true............I was afraid of telling people because I was afraid that I would fail once again... after all that was my track record in the past..... And I did not want to open myself up to that judgment or my shame.

Well I did not go through this process for other people I did it for me . And I was not going to fail .... because I was going to do it someone elses way the Drs. and I actually let them cut me and put a band around my stomach to give me a tool to help me.

After the initial talk and questions..... people went back to there own lifes . The only ones that had questions were those folks that were searching for weight loss answers for themselves.

This is just me I understand your not wanting to tell the grandparents if they would be negative but I would also be wary of the trust issues you have opened up. They may feel lied too and they were regardless of the color of it and this might be a time when you will need to be open with your reasons for doing that. Good Luck on your new path and your decisions are yours to make and you will get there .

[Rick1960 4]

Hi All!,

My big day is this Friday, Nov. 2nd ! I started Pre-Op diet yesterday and having no problems...yet!! I also decided not tell everybody. I have found in the past I have told this one and that one I was dieting and was succesful...for a while, and everyone watched me lose it, and find it again! Frustrating huh?!!!This time, I'm keeping it to myself and reading alot here in these forums for support. And maybe some good luck!!!

[Bos123 221]

Hi...thank you all for the good advice' date=' kind words and support. That's what I need since right now I am basically putting it all on one person. (Plus the team at the surgery center to answer all my questions). I unchecked everything in the settings so I think that will keep emails out of my inbox. My inbox even shows up my phone with subject and from, (I like that setting so I don't want to turn it off), but there are times when if I'm walking away to get something that the person closest to phone will say oh you have a message from so and so. A bit rude but it doesn't bother me becuase I have no emails to hide. Until now. It seems hard to set up another email address and keep track of it, but I like that idea and I'm sure it's not hard. lol I'm good at the computer and can handle harder stuff. Plus setting up another email address for websites I don't know if I trust as far as sharing my email with unwanted web sites, I always say I really should have another email address. I' going to get on that. Then figure iut how to switch this account over to that, or will I have to start a new account? Hmm I'll figure that out. I'll wait to see if I get lapbandtalk.com emails yet. So far according to my settings I should be good.

I am not against telling people in the future if I feel like it. But besides being private, I hear these bad stories about people saying hurtful things and until I am further along on my journey I don't want to deal with that. Unfortunately, even my closest friends would tell their husband, one other friend etc. So I'll hold off. I have good friends that maybe I will tell because if they tell anyone it won't really get back to anyone. Ex- college friends that live states away.

This one experience is always in the back of my head: On Facebook a current neighborhood ( not where I grew uo where I live now about 30 mins away) friend of mine and and my high school friend came up as common friends. I hadn't talked to my high school friend in 10 years but it was fun reconnecting through facebook and catching up. When my neighborhood friend saw I knew her she asked how and I said oh she's a really good person we had so much fun together in highschool. My neighborhood friend proceeded to tell me how she had WLS 5 years ago. I was thinking, hmm why is she telling me this. As if it defined her. She didn't even know from my high school friend herself. Her mom told her mom and here I was finding out. I didn't think it was appropriate. My h.s. friend never mentioned it to me when I said wow your kids are adorable and you look beautiful. And I don't feel she had to. I just feel like you never know who is going to tell who and I am not comfortable with that.

My own kids are young. I'm not telling them now. I'll know when the day is right I will tell them.

It feels good to find some people who did not tell many people. It is hard to find. I know support is a huge part of this, so I hope it works out for me this way.[/quote']

I am on the same page as you. I am only telling my mom and husband. Of course the guilt comes that I should tell my sister as we are very close. But I don't trust her husband or her best friend so I don't want to take the chance. I've had others in my family with wls and I've hear the remarks from other like " must be nice to have had this operation, don't have to struggle like the rest of us" etc. everyone who had had wls knows we have to work hard too with food and excersize but that doesn't stop the comments. If someone complemented me on my success would I then be obligated to share that I had wls to avoid the eye rolls from those that knew? Especially because they have weight issues too and would feel like I "cheated"? Forget it. As said above I am doing this for me and my kids and husband to be a healthier person. I don't want to have to feel judged from anyone! Maybe once I am

Successful

In changing my lifestyle I MAY open up, but until, for me, it's a big NO. And I've come to terms with that. My date is dec 3 and my mom ( who had the sleeve had complications and almost died- in th

[Bos123 221]

Continued... The hospital for two months) says what if something and happens to you. She will be so hurt to find out that way. And I say, if that happens she Wil find out and then I will have to tell her why. But what if I come out just fine? I am not going to sacrifice more judgement and my feelings

For someone else's. it's about me this time. Anyway vent done lol. Just wanted you to know I completely know how you feel!

[Mayasgram 351]

I've been following your post and replys from others . I notice how many times you all use the word trust.....who you trust and who you don't and why.

A year from now you will have learned lots about trust and if you trust your Dr. you will feel like a different person and the things you do now to feel protected will not be necessary, and you will look at life and the people around you in a different light.

[Bos123 221]

I've been following your post and replys from others . I notice how many times you all use the word trust.....who you trust and who you don't and why.

A year from now you will have learned lots about trust and if you trust your Dr. you will feel like a different person and the things you do now to feel protected will not be necessary' date=' and you will look at life and the people around you in a different light.[/quote']

That sounds great may! I hope that's the case, it is stressful in a sense "not trusting". But it comes from a person who's has been hurt or burnt before. Maybe it a coping mechanism to avoid being hurt again, and maybe it will change. It's nice to hear from someone who has experienced the change.. As a newbie I know I'm not ready to "let go" yet lol.

[bandedsandi 29]

People are generally judgemental of overweight people, and then, when they try to do something about it, they are judged for the method they choose...

I've also decided to keep it a secret, and shared it only with three people. But, I must be honest, the lies are KILLING me! I try to avoid the subject altogether so as to not to have to explain anything.

I supposedly went for a 'prolapsed uterus', which explains the laparoscopic insicions and absence from work. Of course I'm on a diet for my weight; my diet is simply based on 'portion control'; I'll be hitting the gym soon, and then I'll have more reason for the weight melting away.... and that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! :-)

[Bos123 221]

People are generally judgemental of overweight people' date=' and then, when they try to do something about it, they are judged for the method they choose...

I've also decided to keep it a secret, and shared it only with three people. But, I must be honest, the lies are KILLING me! I try to avoid the subject altogether so as to not to have to explain anything.

I supposedly went for a 'prolapsed uterus', which explains the laparoscopic insicions and absence from work. Of course I'm on a diet for my weight; my diet is simply based on 'portion control'; I'll be hitting the gym soon, and then I'll have more reason for the weight melting away.... and that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! :-)[/quote']

Amen! And who sees my stomach anyway... Noone lol!