How Do I Deal With An Unsupportive 'best Friend'???

[cindroo 57]

As many of you already know I have a best friend that is completely unsupportive of lap band surgeries.

I had been researching the surgery for several years before I finally started the process about a year ago. I told her that I was contemplating having the surgery and her response was that "I was being IRRESPONSIBLE and I needed to be thinking of my family!' I was furious with her response not only because my main purpose in having the surgery was for my family but because she knew how much i had struggled with loosing weight. I have had several back surgeries so exercising, except aquatic therapy, is almost impossible. We worked together for several years and so she knows my eating habits and in fact she usually ate more than me, never worked out but she can maintain a healthy weight. I actually think though that it has to do with her own insecurities, We went to high school together and I was much thinner, but actually the same size as her, but I was the one who usually received the most male attention. Since gaining weight she has had all the male attention. We are both happily married, but I do believe she likes the attention.

I had not talked to her since January, when this conversation took place, my reasoning because I thought she needed to apologize. She has been mad at me for contemplating having lap band.

Anyhow, she messaged me last Thursday, the day after surgery, because she found out about my daughter being in the hospital with a concussion. I told her I just had surgery, but I told her it was to have a hernia fixed. Since then we have been messaging back and forth and everything was going okay, kind of back to normal, until she askes if "I am still thinking about having that ridiculous surgery?" I didn't answer her and she says "Are you sure that isn't why you had surgery" Again, I didn't respond to her question. So then she says, "we need to get together sometime and go out to eat, and then we will find out the truth!"

I honestly don't know how to deal with her anymore. Do I tell her the truth and listen to the backlash or just leave her alone and go on with my life? I'm not sure if a true friend would treat me this way!

[cindroo 57]

Sorry for such a long topic!

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,721]

honestly, i think you dont need (that person) in your life. (the neg attitude is the worst). not yours, hers. def sounds like home girl is jealous of you and your success and attitude that comes across as strong and upbeat.

are you able to maintain a friendship (from distance) and do okay with her rantings?

if not (because those words she tosses in there (ridculous and truth when we do go out to eat)

can and could weigh heavy on your mind/thoughts.

anyhow, i am proud of you for making yourself well with this surgery. i dont care how thin

you were in the but more of how healthy you will be in the future.

ps--i dont know you personally but i am more of a friend then she is as id never say anything to my friend (you for example is now my friend) like she did.

shame on her

[ElleG 394]

I would stop considering this person my best friend or even a friend. Friends accept you for who u are they support u even when they don't agree. Friends are there cheering u on when you needs it the most. Look around the person u see doing these things for u is now your new best friend. Best wishes

[wildrose1966 396]

I would say that yes I have had the surgery and that it was a personal decision, if I didn't have it I would die (I used that line) - maybe not today or tomorrow, but sooner than my friends. I would then tell her that you value her friendship however this is a subject that is absolutly off topic if you are going to continue your friendship. You know how she feels, you have listened to her and it's over, you will not entertain the conversation with her ever.

You are right, a true friend would not treat you that way, so I guess it depends how much you value her friendship. If you have not spoken since Jan, I would say that this friendship is on the way out anyway. (and she still hasn't apologized)

Just my opinion........I would do the fade and stop responding. Surround yourself with supporters!!!

[lalaj 108]

She's not your friend. Friends are supportive regardless of different opinions. I think this is showing you that she's truly not the friend you want in your life. Get a new friend. You're so much better than the nonsense she's sending your way.

[Baltimore2012 34]

I haven't had my surgery yet. I actually had been thinking about it for a long time. And finally after a long talk with my sister I blurted it out. I thought everyone would be against it and would make me feel bad for even thinking about it. To my surprise, she was very supportive which lead to me to discuss it with with my Mom, step-mom and best friend. Surprisingly they were all very supportive. I was most worried about telling my best friend (best friend of 22 yrs) because she is a health/exercise nut. But she was probably the most supportive. She cried with me when I found out i would be able to get it done (my insurance wouldn't cover anything so my stepmom has offered to fund most of it). She cried and said that she was so happy for me. I don't think i could do it without that support from her and my family. Ultimately it's my decision and my body. I haven't told my dad yet because i fear he'll act like your friend.

Honestly, i think people think this is a cop out. But when you read stats on obesity... you'll see that most obese people will never keep weight off without some sort of help from a doctor. Look around, can you see anyone who was obsese and is now thin long term - that actually did it all alone? I doubt it. THis isn't a cop out or some easy fix. It's a tool to help you be healthy. Don't let her bring you down. The fact that she may not understand the lapband process or even jealousy might be why she feels that way. Either way it isn't healthy for you if she isn't supportive. Tell her how you feel if you want to keep her friendship. Tell her to stop! If she keeps on, then maybe she isn't really your friend.

Thats my opinion! Good luck to you! I am very excited to start my journey but scared! I'd love to see your progress!!!

[line-dancer 810]

yu have the support you need to do what right for you. Tell her that you csn not be friends any longer because isnt a supportive friend and you dont have the time to waste any more.

Get the band and dont let others define who you are and who you want to be.

Line-dancer

[A New New Dawn 1,695]

I applaud you for following your own path and not letting her influence your decision.

I, too, have to agree she is no sort of best friend. It really does sound like she is jealous of you and you may be more her equal (in her eyes) by losing the weight. She sounds very controlling and demeaning in her comments. You need support, not lashing out at you. You are a grown woman who can make her own decisions and do not need to justify it to anyone! The "friendship" (if you can call it that) is very toxic.

I do agree with one of the other ladies above that if this friendship is something you feel is that important to you, that you could have a talk with her (very blunt and direct) that this topic is off limits and you are not seeking her approval or opinions. However, I would really question having this person in your life at all.

By the way, how is improving your quality and quantity of life (by having the band) not thinking of your family???

This journey is challenging enough. You do not need to subject yourself to a toxic relationship. You have taken control of your physical health, now it's time to take control of your emotional health.

Best of luck to you! Be strong!!! No friend or best friend should act that way or say those hurtful things and still be in the "friend zone" in my opinion.

My best friend was a little apprehensive about me having the surgery (she doesn't have weight struggles) but she worked with someone who had the band and gained back the weight. When I made my decision, she said I love you no matter what size you are and will support you in anything you do. She then congratulated me when it was approved and offered to come with me for the surgery.

I hope you are able to either rid yourself of this toxicity or turn it around. Big hugs!!!

[corgimom 17]

First off, congrats to you on taking the bull by the horns and doing what is right for you. That is the most important thing. I can understand a little of where you are coming from as I too, had a friend that clearly did not approve. She is Ms. Health and Fitness and has never had a weight problem in her life. So anyway, I just explained to her that it was a personal decision and what I and my doctors felt was best for me and that the surgery and band is a TOOL just like weight watchers, nutrisystem, etc. I still don't get that she really understands but the day of my surgery she brought me flowers and has voiced support. Maybe if you explain to her that her words are hurtful and that you are doing what is best for your health? Maybe if you bring the fact that what she has said is hurtful/makes you angry/doesn't help maybe she will take a second look. I'm sorry she is making things difficult for you especially at a time when you need all the support you can get. Good luck to you!!