Helping My Mother Understand

[wildrose1966 396]

Short of taking my mother to my next appointment - which I might do - I am not sure what to say to her. She is my biggest cheerleader and my biggest critic. I have given her everything to read, I have sat down to explain the whole procedure to her, my sister the nurse has spoken to her and she just doesn't get it. My 110lb, fitness and food obsessive mother, who would seriously go into a depression if she gained 20lbs and nearly strokes out if she mistakenly drinks a non diet soda is driving me nuts.

I am 2 weeks post op. Lost 9lbs pre surgery and 10lbs the week after surgery. My second week post op, lost nothing. I have informed myself and understand low calories, starvation mode, slow metabolism, i am healing not losing - she does not. She asked me today how much I lost this past week and I told her nothing - a gasp - 'are you serious' - 'are you disappointed? and when I explained to her that I need to start eating again to up my metabolism and that I have just started working out regularly (walking) in the past week and that my band may not work for me next week or in 2 months.........it all depends when I get restriction. When I said 2 months she nearly fell off her chair and asked me why did I have it done then??

I will now not step on a scale until I go back for my first fill, because then I can honestly tell her ' i don't know'. I have put in a 911 call to my sister to call her and casually drop me into conversation and I am sure my mother will say something and sissy can step in and try to explain everything to her in her way.

Like I said she was 100% supportive of this and still is, just her dumb comments and the fact that she doesn't get it are sending me into stress mode, because of everyone I know, it is she who is watching me closest.

If anyone can point me to some easy to understand material............for me to pass onto her, I would appreciate it, until then, I may just avoid phonecalls.

[sylviau 125]

Sorry to hear about the negative remarks. I think we all encounter people like that and it's harder when it's family. Maybe you can try explaining to her that her comments are unnecessarily negative and aren't helping. It's probably a good idea not to weigh until first fill so you aren't worried about the weight...and just healing. You are completely right on track with only worrying about healing right now. Losing will come soon enough! I think the "I don't know" is a great answer for ur mom or "I'm only sharing my once a month weigh in with you" or just tell her that's not important and that u are just being healthier now. keep you're head up and keep up the great work!

[Summerrain 520]

I'm sorry to hear your mum is stressing you out, stress and the lapband don't go hand in hand. Take her to one of your appointments, let her ask questions also, maybe that will help her to understand the process a bit better.

Sounds like you are being polite and patient with her and are doing the best you can to make her understand. If she continues to be the way she is then as far as I'm concerned she is being selfish and narrow minded. You don't needed the added stress. It may have to come to you saying to her I've tried explaining things to you but you seem to refuse to either listen to what I'm saying, your attitude is upsetting me so this subject is taboo between us. I know harsh but might be a necessary step so you can focus on your healing and new journey. In my experience stress tightens my lapband and if I'm too stressed my doctor won't give me fills.

Good luck with it all and I truly hope your mum makes the effort to educate herself with this new journey you are facing.

[wildrose1966 396]

Thanks all...........funny enough if was her who first brought up the subject of lapband to me, I stayed with her during my recovery, but she never did come to an appointment. I think she wants to believe something and she is just not listening. Easy way to solve that.........don't tell her anything!

[LadyMaggie 145]

I can relate to your situation as my entire family thought I would wake up magically THIN after lap band surgery. After several fills, it has taken me 6 months to get "near" the green zone. They are mostly disappointed that I have only lost 37 pounds. My will power is fading and I am starting to feel like a failure. . . .

[wildrose1966 396]

My sister is a nurse and we both have tried to explain this to her. Either she doesn't understand or believes what she wants, so from now on, I will tell her I am doing fine and not weighing myself. I don't live close to her so it doesn't matter. After surgery I told my mother that I didn't care if she told her friends, what is done is done..........she said no, she wouldn't tell anyone until I had lost 50lbs. How is that for a slap in the face. But she is the one who suggested I look into it, she is the one who helped me finanically and she drove and picked me up from surgery, so I do understand her support. We are convince she has some sort of mental problem when it comes to body image and weight. I swear she weighs 110 lbs and obsesses about counting 'points' and exercise. She broke her leg once and nearly went over the deep end because she wasn't exercising. She took a swig of a real Coke recently and I thought the world had ended with all of the noises, gagging and griping coming from her. So really, it is her problem not mine.

[tiggergramma 129]

I can relate to your situation as my entire family thought I would wake up magically THIN after lap band surgery. After several fills, it has taken me 6 months to get "near" the green zone. They are mostly disappointed that I have only lost 37 pounds. My will power is fading and I am starting to feel like a failure. . . .

You are NOT a failure! Please, please don't let them push those buttons for you. If the losing has slowed down, try jump starting it with a few days back on liquids only, or change up your exercise routine, or add Protein to every meal, just don't give up! You did this for YOU, not for them!

[tiggergramma 129]

Wildrose;

Do you belong to a support group in your area? Does your surgeon or medical facility offer one? If so, can you take your mom to a support meeting with you? If not, definitely try to get her to an appointment with your surgeon next time you go...sometimes they have to hear things from a "voice of authority" because we are their daughters and we don't have that authority, or respect.

I can't even tell my mother I had this surgery. She is such a cutting, snarky witch that there would never be a nice word out of her about it. My husband is watching me like a hawk, which is getting old in a hurry. I think just about everyone else 'gets' it. It's early yet, so we'll see.

Best of luck to you!

Lori

[wildrose1966 396]

Thanks Tigergramma, my surgeons office is 6hr away from where I live so if there happens to be a support group when I am in town, I would love to invite her. I have my first fill on Oct 26th (yes still on full fluids) and I may talk to my office coordinator and invite my mom to that appointment. She won't go as she doesn't like to be corrected or put in her place. When my sister spoke with her last night and told her to lay off, it was silence and then all of a sudden she had to get off the phone.

It is funny that I told her the exact reasons why I wasn't telling people is exactly what she is doing.......oh well.

This is her, she will never change, so I just have to control the information that she gets, and she is not getting my weigh-ins.

[tiggergramma 129]

You have to do what you have to do. I have had to be brutally honest with my mother over the years and tell her specifically the things I will never discuss with her again, because she is so hurtful to me. She hates it, but after the first several times, I think she finally gets it.

{{{Wildrose}}}