female only Psychological Poundage Challenging Me.

[kittylove32 90]

Hi' date=' this is a topic that was requested of me to write this post and ask for help by my therapist. She believes many of you will relate to, even if you don't post back....I'm reluctant because:

1. It's a heavy topic for me to post on the internet, to people I will never know.

2. It's exremely painful for me to even venture in this territory.

But it is something that is at the core of my where and who I am today, as a someone fighting to lose the psychological pounds I have put on over the years.

I was brought up in a highly dysfunctional family (to put it lightly), and there was sexual abuse, emotional deprivation and abuse, alcoholism, parental fighting and divorce, self-harm, para-suicidal actions and more things that I can't access right now. I was raped and beaten repeatedly by a boyfriend in high school, my best friend comitted suicide, I married a wonderful man who is also an alcoholic, and last year, my Mother passed away from breast cancer.

It was engrained into me as a child that I was fat (I wasn't even heavy or plump till a year after marrying my husband in 92) and utterly worthless. Most of me believes that to this day, but thanks to all of the therapy I'm in, medications and recently Al-Anon, I am learning that I might not be worthless. "might not".

My reason for writing this...I feel majorly worthless right now (I'm in a tough place in therapy AND my go to, bad food, has been taken away from me, by choice) and am having a bloody hell of a time fighting all the negetive "voices" in my head, and adhering to my diet. I was banded 5 years ago, gave up on it 4 years ago and got unfilled, then found myself back in the Doctor's office wanting to try again, three months ago. For two months I did very well, losing 20 pounds. Feeling that I understood my relationship with food, eating very well. I thought I had it in the bag. But this month, I am deliberately buying junk food to sabotage myself. I want to "hurt" myself by eating junk food. Obviously I am not in a good place.

My baggage got me to today, and frankly I am proud as hell to have made it to the age of 46. Albeit a confused 46. My therapist wanted me to ask of you how some of you overcame those negetive voices, hurtful relationships with food and became a successful Bandster. I'm not looking for "atta-boy"s or "you-poor-girl"s or "you-can-do-it"s...I'm down but not out. How do you fight the inner demons that make you reach out to bad foods for a coping mechanism? I mean, I know the tricks, but they're not working. I know that some day, I will know that answer, but it will take a long, long time. I want to be a successful Bandster like I was the last two months, now. You guys are doing so well, how do you do it? Can you even relate or am I just a freak?

Bless you for reading my post, and I'm sorry if I annoyed you and please do not pity me. I'm just looking for support...[/quote']

I Have to say great job over coming your fear and writing that. I also have depression and anxiety attacks. I am actually on disability for it. I was 127 most of my life. 8 yrs ago when this started I slowly started gaining weight. I got to 242. Now I am 226. Banded 2 weeks ago. When I was depressed I Just didn't care about anything except for eating, whatever I wanted. I knew I had to stop. My knees, feet, back started to hurt everyday. Since losing some weight I feel encouraged to lose more. I still fight with the feelings of being worthless and I will always be fat. My thing is I try to keep myself busy and keep out of my head. I wish you all the best!!