Warning: this is a really long post. Read if you dare, but please read & Post replies

[skinnymini 0]

I'm going to go kinda in depth with my life, and I'll let you know that before I begin this is a long story. I am 24 years old with a 2 year old son, i've had obesity issues all of my life, and that is the god honest truth. I have a husband, whom I adore, and a past I can't seem to stop thinking about. My first love, he was a sweeitie and a jerk, I contribute that to being young. I was totally in love with him. Almost every first a young girl could have was with him. I loved him so much that I was just awfully depressed when we broke up. In college we had on and off intimate relationships, brief ones or should I say affairs since he was already involved. With a good friend of mine after we went off to college. I was with him from 8th grade until I guess my junior year of college. My family as always been on me about my weight. I've been called everything from baby whale, to miss piggy, but I'm not blaming them for my weight problem.:straight Please don't get me wrong. After my last episode with my high school sweetheart, I met my husband, a year later married him and 6 months after that had our first child. I love him and my son, but I feel as though I was totally selfish about the whole ordeal. I moved too quickly on the relationship and marriage just to get my ex out of my system, which I was unsuccessful with until recently, I had my son just to get out of school, well just the school I hated, which my mother wouldn't let me leave. Just recently I got into it big with my closest cousin, we're the same age only she's 1 month older. She relies totally on government assistance to get her where she is, she's made countless mistakes in her life and I'm always trying to help her, always trying to lend her helpful advice, but she never takes it. She has 3 kids, 8, 7,and recently a 2 month old all boys. She suckered a guy who already had kids into getting her pregnant. Pressured him into marrying him. Don't get me wrong he has problems too, I mean we all do, they're just a little nuttier than most. Anyway, she asked me for $ to help her pay a BGE bill, me thinking of the kids gave her the $ on the promise that she would repay it the next day. I don't know why I fell for that okie doke knowing that the girl doesnt work anywhere to be able to pay me the $, but I had just taken her to david's bridal to try to find her a $99 wedding dress since she was so intent on getting married the following week, needless to say she didn't give me my money claiming that she was waiting on someone else to pay her that "owed" her money. I ended up having to track the girl down and retrieve my $, because there was no telling if I would see it if I hadn't. Anyway she accused me of going behind her back and started cursing me out, so I got ignorant right with her. I wanted the $ back because I had to do something to my car and I wanted to get her a wedding gift but she didn't care, My account ended up being overdrawn, and now we're not speaking, she just recently moved to Westminister, I don't know where, and right now I don't want to know. But I do feel terrible about the whole thing. I feel like no matter what I've done for her and no matter how much I've struggled as a result of helping her, she doesn't care, and I'm truly and deeply hurt. My husband of course is upset because he feels she cheated the system for everything she has and doesn't appreciate what we do for her. She says he disrespected her and doesn't know her like that and I should have put him in his place. He was trying to calm the situation down, but it got out of hand and they started yelling at one another. Not to mention my husband is a total pessimist. We were living beyond our means in the townhouse we were renting, so we've abandoned our lease ( i know not the smartest idea) and came to live over my late grandmother's house which my uncle owns. He does no home improvements only is seen when rent is due. I live with my other uncles and my uncle/landlord's brother in law, whom we think pays no rent, My food gets eaten, no one cleans when they cook, it's ridiculous. We're neck high in debt, and there may only be one ray of hope for us getting out of this situation, which would be a merger between companies that may end us up living in FL, all expenses paid, which would be great!!! But my husband feels as though because we're living here he's not taking care of us, that we should be enjoying our paychecks and not giving it all to bills, which I totally agree, but it's just not the way the world works, he's always so mad at the world. I say all this to give you some sort of insight on my life. I love my husband. I feel as though I have been wrong and cruel to him because I hadn't let go of my baggage before I met him. I love my son, and I've been cruel to him because I brought him into a situation that I wasn't particularly ready for. I want to finish school, I want to do alot of things, lose weight is top priority, but on friday I was sooooo depressed, and I didn't know why, I felt like I had no control over anything. :think I had 6 chocolate chip Cookies on friday. I don't think I'm an emotional eater, but maybe I am, maybe I try to take too much on. Maybe I brought this all on myself. I'm eating the right amount of calories for the most part but it's still more carbs and fat than Protein. I have to get a replacement card for my gym membership before I go back, and there's no one close to me to walk with, although I know these shouldn't be excuses but they're the ones that are flying through my mind right now. :help: I want to move to FL so bad but it seems as if it's not going to happen, although we won't know until the beginning of the year. I just want to get away from everyone and everything. I mean I know that new problems may arise and I may eat 6 more chocolate chip cookies, but I've been so good at resisting sweets, and now I throw it all away and I don't even know why. Today I had 3 more cookies, weren't as good as last night though, freshly made, warm and soft. I feel like a failure, and I hate it when I can't seem to cheer my husband up or when he takes the weight of the world and puts it on his own shoulders, and never wants to talk to me about what's wrong, just takes it out on us. I talk to him about this. I let him know that it isn't fair to us, and I'm his wife, I want to listen to what's bothering him. But I guess he feels he can make it work on his own. Sometimes I feel like I dont even matter to anyone. I've gotten so low with my self esteem that I dont even want to wear makeup or do my hair anymore, i need new clothes, although I haven't changed sizes yet, new shoes, new accessories. I used to care about those things, I also used to have my own money and no real debt to speak of. Sometimes I just wish that my ex still wanted me so I could rebuff him. Make him feel like he made me feel when he wanted my friend instead of having a life with me. We were young. I know, but when I told him that I dreamt he died on instant messenger one day just recently, he just put up an away message that pretty much said it's not gonna happen ever again. Which I know was directed to me. Still a jerk. I guess I just want to stick it to him, I want to be slim and trim so the next time he sees me strolling by and he's drooling I can just pick his lip up off the floor as I pass him holding hands with my hubby. Perfect dream. :heh: I've lost 11 lbs so far. My period came on finally since my surgery. So the scale stayed even this monday when I weighed myself. This coming monday, I'm afraid it'll tell a different tale. Anyone have any suggestions on how to eat healthy and within range on a serious budget, or just how to get me out of my funk? If you're still reading, I'm all ears.

:cry Sorry so long, but much needed.

Marcelle

[Anwyn 0]

Marcelle, it sounds like you need some big (((((HUGS)))))

Here are my thoughts for what they're worth: Have no more contact (IM or otherwise) with your ex-boyfriend. I completely understand the fantasy of you getting to dis the ex when he comes crawling back, but you have a husband and a son to think of. Let it go. The only way to truly dis your ex is to show him that you've completely moved on and want to contact with him. You're playing with fire, and you know it.

Secondly, you may want to check out Oprah.com. Have you seen her episodes about the debt diet? It may help you get a handle on things. That living situation sounds absolutely awful. Maybe you or DH can find a temporary extra job to help you move on to a new place of your own.

As far as the dieting goes, don't be so down on yourself! So you had a few Cookies last night. It's not the end of the world. You'll get your head back into a good place and get back on track. So, throw out the rest of the Cookies and go for a walk. Take your 2 year old outside to get away from the kitchen. Remember - you deserve to be good to yourself, and cookies feel good in the moment but they just leave you feeling worse.

Good luck honey! ((((HUGS))))

[skinnymini 0]

thanks. I know I'm playing with fire, I'm stupid sometimes, and I should throw out the rest of the Cookies, but hubby will get mad because I know he wants them so I'll just put them away, and i'll go walking with my son when he awakes from his nap. Thanks for reading and posting, it means a lot someone actually wants to listen, I'll go to oprah.com right now.

[DOC 0]

Marcelle,

Big (((((hugs))))))

Amazing what we do to ourselves isn't it? I am sorry that I don't have any advice. Just keep coming around and never think that no one cares.... I do! Lot's of us here do....

Move a muscle ... change a thought!

Kisses,

[S@ssen@ch 745]

I so completely agree with Anwyn. I, myself was in a similar situation (although without the lame-brained cousin on public assistance, instead it's a brother in law haha).

Anyway, priority #1, you MUST break all ties with that EX. It's hard, but you must do it. That doesn't mean that you can't still use those thoughts as motivation. I know I occasionally think, "I wonder what he'll think when he sees how much I've lost." But, don't use that as your primary motivation. I turned my deep desire for this man or even sadness for not having him in my live (aka regret) into anger at how much he hurt me. When I find myself not being angry at him, I remember that he seemed to have no remorse for the terrible pain he inflicted upon me, knowing that I loved him (apparently more than he loved me). What I did was start a personal journal and wrote in it every day until he didn't matter to me anymore, until I realized that my family was so much more important that all the time I was wasting yearning for him. It was then that I saw the light of a brand new day. My doctor originally recommended counseling, but in my history with counseling all they did for me was listen to me work out my own damn problems. So, if you feel you could use professional help. Do it. If not. Start a journal. It helps, it really does. And.......it even helps me with my weight loss.

Secondly, let loose of that leech of a cousin. By helping someone like that you only enable her to be dependant on others and not an INDEPENDENT adult. She needs to make mistakes and suffer the consequences of her own decisions. My BIL was the SAME way. He lied to us, stole things from us and pawned them off, gosh I could go on forever. Cut her loose. You'll be better off for it, so will she once she realizes that not everyone will enable her to perpetuate her lies and schemes.

As far as your financial situation. Man, OH Man. I feel for you and in this it just takes persistence. I think the Oprah debt diet can be a good suggestion. But I've found in my own life, living with debt, persistence and patience is the key. There are free credit counseling centers available. Just a suggestion. GOOD LUCK!

I think that once many of the stressors in your life get under control, you'll find your groove and your weight situation will improve. Keep coming to LBT, we'll listen. We'll offer as much support as we can. Again, it was a slip up with the Cookies, but you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start fresh. I wish you all the strength and support I have to give. I can only imagine what your going through, as I've experienced what you're talking about (just not necessarily all at the same time).

My thoughts are with you Marcelle,

Dawn

[Penni60 45]

Marcelle: It was hard to read your post. I was living on aid while I went to Nursing school. I used to live in the Projects and see people like your cousin all the time "abusing" the system. It pissed me off because here I was working my arse off to get out of the system.

SIGH!! Kick her to the curb darling. She will only bring you down.

Kick that EX to the curb as well. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! And I might add it sounds like you have it already. The best advice I got from a dear friend of mine after my divorce was "Learn to LOVE yourself then everything else will fall into place!" It is the hardest thing to LOVE yourself warts and all. But you know what, it works. I started liking myself again and my self-esteem soared. My kids felt better about themselves. Our situation wasn't any better but we loved each other and that was enough at the time.

It will get better. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

((((((((((((((MARCELLE))))))))))))))

[Ceparano 0]

unrequited love, it's the pits. We've all been there. But we all must move on. Just keep remembering the hurt he caused you and not romanticize what life was like with him. The passage of time can color the way we remember things. Maybe those times were not as good as you think you remember them. As for the Cookies, they are a minor bump in the road. Tomorrow is another day, and you will get back on tract. There is just so much going on in your life right now that everything seems to be negative. But everything isn't negative. You have a husband that loves you and your son and wants to provide for you. Continue to plan for your move to Fla. it will give you something positive to look forward to, and by the first of the year you'll be that much closer to being out of debt. Cut your ties with your cuz. Some people are just "users" and there is nothing you can do to change that. Whatever you do, don't loan her anymore money!!!!!

[skinnymini 0]

Thanks everybody!!! Reading all of your posts is bringing tears to my eyes. I have a wonderful husband. I guess my insecurities keep wanting to involve my ex in the mix because it's what was familiar when i was feeling this way back then. The fact of the matter is, I haven't talked to him in a while, and won't again. He was and always will be a jerk, atleast to me unfortunately. The good news is... my love handles are getting smaller, almost non existant. Now to tackle the ones in the back!!! As far as my cousin is concerned, she's moved on to another county with her life now, and I'll be moving on with my life to FL if this merger with my husband's job goes through, if not I have an alternate plan of PA anyway. So either way it'll be a fresh start for me. I'm actually involved in a credit counseling or debt management service, it just seems long and unsucessful because it's all the little things getting paid first, the big things last, but either way I'm paying off something. But thank you all so much for all of your words of encouragement. I knew I could count on you guys to read and respond.

With much love and admiration

Marcelle

[MeganA 35]

Marcelle-

What a fantastic post. What I see in it is tremendous growth and a determination to leave your past behind. The hard part is that for awhile we're stuck smack dab inbetween the past and our new future...we can see it, but we just can't reach it quite yet.

Momentum builds- small changes grow and blossom into bigger ones. Most of which you can't anticipate.

Often times weightloss surgery is the first choice we make for ourselves in a long, long time. We've spent our lives trying to make everyone else happy and to be loved and accepted because we aren't happy and we don't love or accept our own self. I believe that in order to choose WLS, it takes an acceptance of ourselves, and it releases us from the emotional binds of the heavy burden of obesity. We say "I can't do it alone". "I need help". "I deserve help".

What I'm trying to say is that you are on the right track- and it's YOUR track. You get to make the decisions about how you will be treated by your husband, your cousin, and other family and friends. As you stand up to them and yourself, this momentum will build and you will grow stronger and stronger. You don't need to move to FL to make changes. You can make them right now, in this moment. And mark my words...once you start, you will do things that will amaze yourself.

Megan

[skinnymini 0]

Thank you so much for all of your positive words. I really appreciate your reply and I will remember what you said. thanks again.

Marcelle

[CCBSTX 0]

Marcelle, that was a heartfelt...pour-it-all-out post! It's great that you can vent here.

1) Dump the I'Ming and contacting the EX (nothing good will happen with this)

2) Spend some time, perhaps in counseling with your husband (with a minister, counselor, etc).

3) Get out of debt as a TEAM! The #1 reason for divorce is financial.

You're ok to occasional eat the junk! You aren't eating the whole bag! Think of the progress that you will have next year, if you and your husband can work as a team. Make a plan for your marriage and your budget. YOu can do it! Shawn

[Marimaru 7]

Debt is this huge thing that just sits on your shoulders forever. I got myself into a little trouble a couple of years ago, and my mom paid it off and let me pay her back. I got her paid off completely over the summer, and then spent a bunch more money getting my teeth fixed, and am now making payments again (not to mom this time tho). Anyway..

Do you have medical insurance? It really sounds like you could benefit from some medication and counceling. Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm in the same boat. I was on paxil a few years ago, but just got perscribed wellbutrin on Friday, and was given a referral to a councelor.

Also, journeling is nice. I've sometime journalled online, but recently while I was traveling I just grabbed a notebook and started writing in it. I wrote for almost the entire 2 hour planeride. It feels really nice to get the thoughts "out" even if you never let anyone read them. (I'm 24 too by the way). Where do you live?

[mousecrazy 2]

Everyone's advice has been so great on this...first of all, (((hugs))) to you! The one thing I am thinking about that might help you is just to do one simple thing, as a way to start. You might make sure you get your Water each day...you might walk 5 minutes...use mascara. Just one thing. It's a start...and no tellin' where it will lead!

Good luck, and check in when you a need a hug, or even a soft kick in the patootie! Cindy