My Mom Is Not Supporting My Decision

[JhonnieB 73]

As I've said in other posts.. My mother is a RN and a professor at a local college. she has worked in hospitals and has seen the horror stories that come with weight loss surgery.

So we argued this morning, she said I could get a staph infection, a hole that won't close, internal infection, or even die. I started crying telling her to live one week in my skin. My mom is 170 lbs and I'm 320. She said well try something else I told her I did. I've been trying for years. I'm not winning this battle

My mother is normally very supportive on my decisions, but she kept talking, talking, and talking... ignoring the fact that I'm hurting.. She said well Bre you're just depressed!! I said yes I am depressed, depressed about being TIRED all the dam time. No I never felt like a failure. I'm depressed because I want to live, have energy, get the job I deserve, and have confidence...

I wasn't going to tell her, but I felt she needed to know. Has anyone else had problems with family support?? How did you deal with it??

[Harrier's Woman 58]

As I've said in other posts.. My mother is a RN and a professor at a local college. she has worked in hospitals and has seen the horror stories that come with weight loss surgery.

So we argued this morning, she said I could get a staph infection, a hole that won't close, internal infection, or even die. I started crying telling her to live one week in my skin. My mom is 170 lbs and I'm 320. She said well try something else I told her I did. I've been trying for years. I'm not winning this battle

My mother is normally very supportive on my decisions, but she kept talking, talking, and talking... ignoring the fact that I'm hurting.. She said well Bre you're just depressed!! I said yes I am depressed, depressed about being TIRED all the dam time. No I never felt like a failure. I'm depressed because I want to live, have energy, get the job I deserve, and have confidence...

I wasn't going to tell her, but I felt she needed to know. Has anyone else had problems with family support?? How did you deal with it??

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I understand about not being supported by the people closest to you. This explains why I have only told a few people about my decision. I knew going into this that one of my closest friends would have a issue. She is about 100lbs heavier than me & even though she says happy being this way; its not true. Her health is starting to declining as a result of her weight.

My advice is to listen to your heart. If you have given this decision serious & have researched it thoroughly then don't let anything stop you. My oldest friend died at the age of 37 because of weight diseases. The lesson I've learned from her death is that you truly only have one life to live. When its over; its over...so why not make it the best possible life you can.

[missybear 86]

Wondering whether taking your mum with you to the dr appts to discuss the risks may help? May help to balance her views from what's she's seen vs what the doctors statistics/experiences are. Not sure if your dr can provide insight into success rates, complications and frequency (my doc in Australia gave me a sheet with statistics during my pre op visits). My mum is a nurse as well and this helped her come around, I found she focused on a few horror stories ( which I had to acknowledge were risks as well ) but then i had to balance them up with why people or the doctor failed and did that risk apply to my case.

[Disney Nut 60]

I know how it can be to have a mom who is an RN. I could never pretend to be sick...Mom always caught on!

That being said, realize that what you're dealing with is love compounded by too much knowledge. Your mom is a very educated woman and knows everything that can go wrong. I can think of two ways to counter this:

1. Fight knowledge with knowledge. Talk statistics to her, about the safeness of the procedure. Hit her with the statistics that show that obese people have a greatly reduced life expectancy. Just surf the web and you'll find plenty of information.

2. You could also try "Mom, I love you and I know you're worried about me. I've researched this and feel the benefits outweigh any risk."

I don't know if these will work. But she sounds like a smart lady who loves you, so try them. Good luck - I'll pray for you.

[kykhinkle 14]

Your mom isn't overweight. She CAN'T understand. She loves you and is worried about you. But your health WILL decline with all that extra weight. She will see you start getting sick from chronic disease before she does. There are risks with WLS. She's right. But you likely will handle it well. There is very little chance of staying healthy with your current weight.

My mom is obese. She's been great. My ex husband never understood. Just eat less he'd say. Exercise more he'd say. But food addiction is sn addiction.

I hated the way the post surgical pain meds made me feel. I took them 2 days. I can't imagine getting hooked on them but obviously people do! She can't imagine your struggles. So cut her some slack and do what's best for you.

[PattyGirl66 1,243]

Because your Mother is a RN she should also know the consequences that comes along with being over 300 pounds. If you have tried and tried and you yo-yo most of your life, then something has to give. As a Mother she should be very concerned about her daughter and should be supportive in your decision. Surgeries, no matter how big or small can come with complications. Please, you can have your tonsils taken out and get a staph infection, its not just weight loss surgery. I got a total hip replaced years ago, I had my entire femur bone cut out, had my blood transfused back into me. I didn't choose to have this, it had to be done if I wanted to ever walk again.

To answer your question, my family was very very supportive with my decison (especially my mother). why, because they thought my weight was killing me and was scared for my life...

Best of luck to you in whatever decision you make,

[honk 780]

I'm going to take a different view. I think your mother still thinks herself in charge of your health decisions. No matter how old you are she still sees you as the child and her as the parent. She's made a decision and 1) being the parent, 2) being a medical professional does'nt see why she should change her opinion. Parental decisions don't have to be rational.

As someone who had a stroke at 39. I was a healthy fat person. My only issue was a bad knee. I know how being overweight can lead to severe health issues with little to no warning. If you have been approved for sugery by a respected surgeon; you need to go ahead and not let her bother you. In fact you may need to tell her that her negative attitude is bad for your emotional health; and will be bad for your physical recovery. If she won't give it a rest I would tell her you will need get back with her after surgery if she can't be supportive.

[Ms. Blue 42]

I've only told 2 people. I'm not telling my mom cause I know she would use it against me when she's mad. Some people are so toxic... you have to do what's best for you.

[chelseyrion 26]

I'm in the exact same boat. My mother is an RN with a masters in public health. She is also a naturalist and a size 4. I am currently a size 22 and at my smallest was a 13. For my mother food is sustinence, for me it is an addiction. I have tried to have these conversations with her my entire life and I have finally come to the conclusion that there is no point. At 30 I know myself very well. I know that I cannot do this alone. My mother will never understand. She is my mother and she loves me but her path is very different than mine. I have chosen to not tell my mother until after my surgery. I applaud you for being open and honest with your mother. Hopefully she will come around and support you thru this next phase of ur life, but of she doesn't keep in mind that you are responsible for your life. You know yourself and you know what the right path is for you to take.

[Sojourner 2,446]

Though we would ideally prefer to have the "blessings" of those who we love and care about the most, sometimes this is not going to be possible. Each of us is endowed with some degree of free will and self determination...so when others do not agree with our decisions, we accept that "we will agree to disagree" and move on.

Just as your mother is not able to change your beliefs that surgery is the best choice for you, you will not change her beliefs. Accept this and move forward.

Undeniably this journey is made better when all is in harmony, but we can't always have what we want. I have 2 sons who are medical professionals who came right out and told me "don't do it mom" (the surgery)...however they don't walk in my shoes.

Best wishes...I understand how difficult this can be...

[wildrose1966 396]

I have a very supportive family, but when I told the 6 people that know.......I told them 'if I don't do this, I will die' - not many can argue with that statement - I am a very healthy fat person and not on meds for anything and no history of anything in my family, but I am terrified that I won't live to see my neices and nephews grow up. I am scared that I will be trapped in my house, because I won't have the motivation or energy to do anything......this is for me. (and my size 4 mother who is my biggest supporter and biggest critic has been surprising good - I loaded her with information and reading materials)

I am day 1 post op at her house for the week and she has just measured my Water for the day. Yesterday she wanted me to wear a whistle just in case I needed her - I am 45, we will always be children in their eyes.

[connie.zybert 7]

Your not alone...that was my dad a few weeks ago...i had to listen about it over and over until i even went as far as cancelling my date and postpone it until Oct. Well listen to me...do what you want and don't try to please everyone else. i now have a date and my dad will not know about until its over. and yes there could be med issues but what issues it could give isn't as bad as being fat. important either going to die trying this or slowly die being fat...ill take my chances with the small percent of those being killed from lapband...think of this....if something goes wrong they can take it out...compared to basic bypass...

[Spaness2012 609]

I understand how disappointing it is to not have your parent's support (especially a Mother's). The beauty of it is that when we're adults, we get to make our own decisions. I assume, like me, you have done your research, your Dr. specilaizes in this type of surgery, and you are well aware of the risks and benefits? Noone knows what your life is like, only you can walk in those shoes! Congrats on your decision. Be well!

[shelly513 138]

Im going to say the same to you ad I told another person. Not everyone is going to support you. That's just all there is to it and I think a lot of it has.to do with they don't understand. A lot of times people think are fat by choice.. and yes maybe it started that way but it almost becomes and illness and an obsession To the normal person they dont get it. Its not like we are crackheads searching for crack.... our food is our drug and its something that we will die without. Its a necessity of life. So with all that maybe you need to explain to her that this is something you need and want and that reguardless your going to do it with or without her support.