Not The Daughter My Mother Wished I Would Be

[newskinnygal 51]

Ever since I was young, my mother resented the fact that I was obese. God forbid she had anything to do with it, from oversized portions to not implementing exercise or signing me up for sports. I always wanted to play soccer as a child, her excuse, "Honey, your too chubby to run after the ball". Gymnastics; "Can you imagine your chubby thighs in tights?" To family vacations to the beach where she compares me to a beached whale. I love my mom and I know she loves me. But I was never the thin girl she got to dress up pretty. What's even worse is hearing my grandma say " so and so said you have such beautiful granddaughter, IF only she would lose weight". My mom replies, "Yes, I know mom she has a beautiful face, she just needs to lose weight. She decided to have THE surgery." After I told her and my whole family that I do not want anyone else outside of our immediate family knowing of my decision. Well due to my gallbladder surgery this summer and my incisions getting infected, I didn't have the lapband surgery and it is now postponed until December. My mother has been on a rampade ever since. For example, we were reminiscing about high school and friends and she replied, "What friends?! You had no friends! Who was going to look at you like that?" Wow. I had many friends. And was actually quite popular. I was voted "Best Dressed" besides the fact that I was obese in her eyes. And today she throws another dig at me. My cousin, whom I'm not talking to because of my mother, had a dinner party and didn't invite me. I told my mother I had never gotten in fight with any friends like my cousin always likes to pick fights. She replied with , "At least she has somebody around to pick a fight with. Who do you have? Your fat and you did it to your self." I'm so incredibly depressed right now. How can someone be so hurtful? My own mother too.

[TracyW2 137]

I'm so sorry your mom cant seem to see past the exterior. My dad was that way. Now that I'm the 'thin' daughter, he speaks highly of me and enjoys spending time with me and 'showing' me off. I dont think he understands how much it hurt and his hurtful words are a lot of what led me to using food for comfort.

[Maddysgram 6,159]

Number 1, your mother has a problem not you. You can't change your past but you can change today. Today is your day!! You don't need anyone's approval. It's time you loved you for the person God made you. I don't even know you, but I love you because you're a child of God and God doesn't make mistakes.

All I can say is may God have mercy on your mom's soul.

[muelle 64]

This breaks my heart to read I have three of the worlds greatest, most beautiful daughters, one of whom is going to have lapband surgery too. I believe strongly that we must tell our kids, especially our media influenced daughters, everyday how beautiful they are. My daughter that is going to have surgery has never let her weight hold her back, she always played sports and is very outgoing and popular. It sounds to me like you have tried not to let your mother's negative comments hold you back and for that you have proven you have the strength to succeed in whatever you choose to do. Hang in there and stay strong. You are beautiful.....period! Not, "you have a pretty face." Good luck to you!

[wildrose1966 396]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am not sure how old you are or how dependent on your mother (ie do you live with her) but maybe it is time for some tough love back and standing up to her. No matter how much I loved my mother, it would not be acceptable to speak to me that way and she would certainly know it. Sometimes you have to make boundaries/rules and there has to be consequences if they can't respect you, or treat you with respect.

I understand a bit, my mother is 110 soaking wet and is obsessed with exercise and her weight. If by chance she has a full on coke she nearly strokes out. She is a lifetime member of WW and still weighs in and the world is coming to an end if she gains 5lbs. Although she is supportive of my surgery, the zings still happen...........are you sure you can do this, i'm not sure you can change your habits, should you really be eating that, you need some exercise. Keep in mind I'm 45. Unfortunatly they never stop, but I have had to put the breaks on her a few times. Fortunatly for our relationship, she has never called me 'fat'.

Congratulations to you for making the decision to have the surgery!!!

[newskinnygal 51]

Thank you to all. It was really hard to write this. I've told her how i felt before, but I don't think she means to hurt my feelings. They just come out of her mouth without her thinking how it would effect others. I'm 21 years old, I live at home and go to college. My insurance is through my dad. I cannot wait for the day to come where I graduate college and can support my self. I don't need to be belittled like this, especially when I'm still healing from surgery and about to start classes Monday. It's just these are the words that I will never forget she said...

She recently had lapband surgery in January. However, her excuse is, " when I was your age I weighed 125 lbs " blah blah blah

You all have turned my tears to smiles and for that I truly thank you!

[kll724 3,055]

Hugs to you. Your mother did you a terrible disservice. I hope that you can look past that and see the good in you..Best wishes on your upcoming surgery. My daughter and I never saw eye to eye when she was growing up; but I never would have been needlessly cruel. We are now good friends, and we have both had lapband surgery. Karen

[Erin O'Donnell 61]

Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear this is what you've had to listen to your whole life! I'm the only obese person in my family. In fact, I have 3 gorgeous, thin, talented younger sisters, and 2 handsome an cute younger brothers, none of which struggle with weight by any stretch of the imagination. This js true of my entire family; aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. They could eat anything they wanted all day long and suffer no consequences. All I ever want to do is go shopping with my sisters and buy stuff from the same stores but my family is so so supportive and never put me down for my weight. I can't imagine what I'd be like today had I not had the positive support of my family. I went through a period as a child where my step mom would make underhanded comments about/towards me and it really made me feel bad. I'd go cry to my mom about it all the time, but that was put to an end and my relationship with my step mom is great! Just know that we're all beautiful.. You don't have to be thin to be beautiful. Good luck with your journey! I wish you nothing but the best!

[Erin O'Donnell 61]

Oh and I'm 20, also in college! I don't live at home while attending school though. I start classes on Thursday! :/ it should be interesting going through this huge life changing surgery while also in college. It'll be a challenge but it's gotta happen. I'm only 5 days post op and will only be 10 days post op when i start school. Yikes! Well, good luck with this and attending school!

[gottobeme 81]

If your insurance requires a psych consult please take advantage of it! As mentioned above your mom has the problem not you. Unfortunately you have been the "target" of your mom's problems. I have always had a good relationship with my mom but not so with my dad. I remember my dad once saying "You know you'd be pretty damn good looking if you lost some weight." My dad also has weight issues and paid for me to do a weight loss program when I was 16/17 (I'm 44 now). I feel like I did it for him. Now it is for me and my health!

[newskinnygal 51]

Oh and I'm 20' date=' also in college! I don't live at home while attending school though. I start classes on Thursday! :/ it should be interesting going through this huge life changing surgery while also in college. It'll be a challenge but it's gotta happen. I'm only 5 days post op and will only be 10 days post op when i start school. Yikes! Well, good luck with this and attending school! [/quote']

How exciting! I hope you are recovering well from surgery! My university is close to home, I probably should have picked a farther school I had surgery in July, but my incisions are being really picky and not healing soon enough! I had an infection though, which was a setback. I'm sure you will do great, though! Just take it easy! The first week of classes are usually pretty relaxed anyways, so hopefully when they really start cracking down you will be feeling amazing and ready to conquer the world! Thank you for your kind words and support! Good luck, dear!

[AlexaLasVSG 9]

So cool to see there are girls just like me that are in colllege while doing this procedure. I don't feel alone anymore! It's hard to find people who will understand what it is we go through. School plus this whole life change is hard! I haven't gotten my surgery yet. Actually, I'm in the beginning planning stages of it. I really would love to get it early October or late September. The earlier the better. Whatever the doc recommends is what I'm going to do. If any of you need support throughout school, I'd love to help. Incase I ever need someone's words of advice or wisdom..I know where to come. Thanks guys:) and newskinnygirl....don't sweat what your mom says. I know it's hard because she's your mom. I've never had criticisms as much as you have experienced, but I know what it feels like to be the one who is neglected or shunned for being over weight. Hang in there, everything will fall into place. Dont give up! <3

Alexa , 21, Albany NY

[Sojourner 2,446]

Ever since I was young, my mother resented the fact that I was obese. God forbid she had anything to do with it, from oversized portions to not implementing exercise or signing me up for sports. I always wanted to play soccer as a child, her excuse, "Honey, your too chubby to run after the ball". Gymnastics; "Can you imagine your chubby thighs in tights?" To family vacations to the beach where she compares me to a beached whale. I love my mom and I know she loves me. But I was never the thin girl she got to dress up pretty. What's even worse is hearing my grandma say " so and so said you have such beautiful granddaughter, IF only she would lose weight". My mom replies, "Yes, I know mom she has a beautiful face, she just needs to lose weight. She decided to have THE surgery." After I told her and my whole family that I do not want anyone else outside of our immediate family knowing of my decision. Well due to my gallbladder surgery this summer and my incisions getting infected, I didn't have the lapband surgery and it is now postponed until December. My mother has been on a rampade ever since. For example, we were reminiscing about high school and friends and she replied, "What friends?! You had no friends! Who was going to look at you like that?" Wow. I had many friends. And was actually quite popular. I was voted "Best Dressed" besides the fact that I was obese in her eyes. And today she throws another dig at me. My cousin, whom I'm not talking to because of my mother, had a dinner party and didn't invite me. I told my mother I had never gotten in fight with any friends like my cousin always likes to pick fights. She replied with , "At least she has somebody around to pick a fight with. Who do you have? Your fat and you did it to your self." I'm so incredibly depressed right now. How can someone be so hurtful? My own mother too.

Your post was heartbreaking to read...and never doubt the therapeutic value of writing about your feelings. It does help to express yourself in writing.

As others have written, it is your mother who has the serious problems. Every child deserves to have loving and supportive parents...and that she apparently is neither for you is inexcusable on her part.

It's excellent to read of your determination to improve the quality of your life with weight loss.

Some relationships are toxic in nature...and these can occur even with family members. It's best to re-position your boundaries with your mother...and focus on the positive changes you are striving for and will see success with.

Best wishes to you as you begin your journey...

[Summerrain 520]

My heart goes out to you that you have a mother that doesn't realise how hurtful her comments are. I have three children, two boys and a girl and I would rather die than put them down for anything. A parents role is to love and support their children and to encourage them and be there for them when they need a hug.

You sound like a beautiful soul, I wish you all the best in your lapband journey and if you need encouraging or advice keep coming to these forums as we are all here for you and understand this journey, best wishes to you!

[newskinnygal 51]

So cool to see there are girls just like me that are in colllege while doing this procedure. I don't feel alone anymore! It's hard to find people who will understand what it is we go through. School plus this whole life change is hard! I haven't gotten my surgery yet. Actually' date=' I'm in the beginning planning stages of it. I really would love to get it early October or late September. The earlier the better. Whatever the doc recommends is what I'm going to do. If any of you need support throughout school, I'd love to help. Incase I ever need someone's words of advice or wisdom..I know where to come. Thanks guys:) and newskinnygirl....don't sweat what your mom says. I know it's hard because she's your mom. I've never had criticisms as much as you have experienced, but I know what it feels like to be the one who is neglected or shunned for being over weight. Hang in there, everything will fall into place. Dont give up! <3

Alexa , 21, Albany NY[/quote']

Likewise! If you ever have any questions or need any support or anything at all, you know where to find me! and thank you so much for your kind words, you all truly helped return the smile to my face tonight