Not The Daughter My Mother Wished I Would Be

[A New New Dawn 1,695]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through that. While it may not be intentional, it is very hurtful and frankly, abusive to you. If you have been very direct with her that what she says is very hurtful and makes you feel worse about yourself, not motivating, then I am not sure she will ever get it.

It is hard now, but as you get older, you may find you need to distance yourself from toxic relationships even from a mother. Is it possible that you could get some counseling to help you deal with this? It sounds like you understand it isn't you or a reflection of you but those are still pretty hurtful and damaging things that are being said and done. It may be part of why you have issues with your weight. Some people feel that by saying these things it will motivate you to change and it has quite the opposite effect and can make you feel worse and soothe yourself with food.

I am glad you realize it isn't right and that you are taking steps to feel better about yourself for your own reasons. I do hope you have other people in your life that are supportive of you. You deserve that.

Stay strong and one of my favorite quotes is (Eleanor Roosevelt) - "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I truly believe that!!

Best of luck in your endeavor and to continue to heal ~ emotionally and physically.

[daisychains7 427]

Wow. So toxic. While the people in my family were not quite that extreme I do relate to what you're saying. I basically grew up in a single parent house with my mom and sister. My sister has always been petite, but would love and treat me the same if I was 90 or 900lbs. My mom on the other hand is very superficial. I was made to feel I wasn't good enough or attractive constantly. "you would be pretty... If you could just lose weight", "no one would be attracted to a heavy person.. You can't blame them"... "you could find a husband if you'd just lose weight". Unfortunately, the way she felt about me really became the way I felt about MYSELF. I still battle it DAILY, despite having lost a ton of weight. At 23 I'm trying to build my self esteem from scratch.

It sounds like therapy may be a good idea. Don't let the weight hold you back like it did all those years. That's no way to live. If you are anything like me the relationship you have with your parents only makes emotional eating get worse. You need to create some healthy boundaries between yourself and your mother if this is going to work. You have the power now!! If you ever need support we are here for you.

[goddesscordelia 30]

Cut her out. It took me 3 years after my band

-Cordelia, banded 1/08

[goddesscordelia 30]

To cut my mom out. She has to be nice to me and my kids or she is cut off. She is toxic. My mother has always been mean to me about my weight too ( not as bad as yours though). I would also suggest therapy. Love yourself enough to set boundaries with her or get help doing it.

-Cordelia, banded 1/08

[Maddysgram 6,159]

I don't think I would cut mom out of your life, after all she is your mom. I would just make sure that anything she says DOES NOT define who you are. Yes, get help through a councillor. Maybe you can have her go with you?!

Maybe she had something in her childhood and she knows no better. I really pray you both can work this out.

Remember you are special!!!!

[goddesscordelia 30]

She will not change. Toxic moms do not change. Work on yourself and either set clear boundaries with her or take a long break. She is MEAN!!! If your daughter had a friend who treated her that way- what would you say? Do that!

-Cordelia, banded 1/08

[Maddysgram 6,159]

Yes, if it was a so called friend I'd say drop her like a bad habit. But mom's are different. I have 2 grown daughters, my eldest I pretty much grew up with. I would hate if she disowned me for any mistakes I made. I'm the older now and have seen a lot in my old age. People can change!!!! You can love someone but not like what they do. If your child became a drug addict would you not still love them even if they were toxic????

[newskinnygal 51]

I love my mom and I know she loves me very much. I told her again today how her words make me feel. She replied with saying how I always told her I was overweight. But she understood that she stepped outside of her boundaries. She didn't apologize but she did tell me that she loves me very much and she lives for me and my two brothers. She said that everything she's ever done in her life was for us. She said that she lives and breathes for me and loves me greatly. I don't think she will bring up my weight in a negative manner again. I could never cut my mother out of my life. I agree with the user who said something about her saying things like this for me to try and and lose weight, but it's just the opposite. It makes me sad and frustrated and makes me wanted to bake cupcakes! I told her how she always complained about my weight and I could tell she felt remorse. I know that deep down she wants me to be a healthy and beautiful individual. Sometimes, our emotions get the best of us. She's said many beautiful and loving words to me and has been very supportive, however like I said in an earlier post, these are the words I'll never forget she said. I'll forgive her though.

[Maddysgram 6,159]

Newskinnygal this makes me smile.

[newskinnygal 51]

[sarahsmith487 1]

That kind of parents is what is making young girls starve and hurt themselves to be perfect!! Thats so sad, so sorry she treats u like that. Obviously she has her own insecurities or it wouldnt bother her so much!!

[Banterwonder 63]

It is hard to cut mothers or fathers out of our lives. But I would stand up to her and tell her how hurtful her comments can be.Plan for your future and gather support where you can.

Maybe your surgeon has support groups that you could attend while waiting for surgery ? Or see their psychologist ? You probably have to have psych clearance before surgery antway ?