Spouse's Reaction to Weight Loss

[Butterfly07 0]

I am hoping that some of you have insight & advice for me and/or have experienced this problem.

I was banded 9/19 and have lost 56 pounds so far. I am dedicated to the gym and go 4-5 times per week for 1-2 hr each session. This exercise is NOT new, I did the same before surgery.

Now, people who I work with every day for the last 5 years, men and women, most of whom have no idea what I have done, have complemented me on how good I look and how much weight I have obviously lost. This is also true of people I see who I have not seen in a while.

My entire family, however, says they STILL don't notice the loss, and my husband gets very, very angry when I ask if he can tell (yet) or mention a compliment I have received.

I think his anger (he actually stormed out of the house once) is not in porportion to the topic. I have told him that it hurts my feelings when he reacts with anger to these things but it hasn't helped.

I am now alternatly hurt and angry with him over this. We have been married 21 years and I have always been heavy.

Any and all inoput is welcome. Thanks for helping.:help:

[K@t 38]

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss. Thats great progress.

Second of all 53lbs is VERY noticeable, even on extremely heavy people....I'm 250 and most people can tell when I have lost lbs much less 50. If your husband is getting so upset, then I say there is some other issue here. Maybe he is insecure that you will leave him, maybe hes jealous of your success...there are a thousand different scenarios, but his behavior is totally unacceptable. I would try to get both of you into marriage counseling to find out what exactly is his problem. If you can't do counseling, then I think a frank talk with him would be in order.

Some one who loves you and cherishes you would only want the best for you, which is to be happy and healthy. And they also give loving compliments with out having to be asked for them. I know you have been married a long time, but I don't think I could live with a man who didn't love and cherish me.

Good luck.

[mousecrazy 2]

My answer won't be very dramatic, but maybe he's just going to have to adjust to the new you? You are spending lots of time dedicated to your weight loss journey, of course, but maybe he didn't expect it to take up that much time? Maybe he's worried about you looking TOO good? If ya'll have been together 21 years already, your marriage has some staying power. Have you, without anger, asked him about his reactions? Maybe you're just talking about it a lot, and he's tired of hearing about it?

There are lots of possibilities, so I'd advise you not to get your feelings all hurt and get angry, and instead try to understand what is going on...likely, it's not a personal slam.

You are doing great with your weight loss! Congrats!

Cindy

[j.s. 0]

I have a different perspective on this. I did the same with my husband, I was loseing and would ask him if he could tell and he would always say nope, dont see it or something along those lines. I was feeling pretty discouraged about that too. Then one day when I was picking him up from work, out the clear blue, he says wow, you really look good. I can really see a lot in your face is gone. Now I was just sitting there stunned. I was like well what is differnt today than a couple of days ago and he just said, he dont know but he can really see it today. I think the people we live with are just too close to it. They see us all the time and the change is gradual so the numbers are adding up but it takes a while for the change to register. So now I dont ask anymore and every now and again he will suprise me.

[PhotoNut 7]

Wonderkidsmom,

I am wondering if maybe, and please don't take offense at this, maybe in his eyes you are really obsessing about the weightloss and he's getting tired of hearing about it? Or maybe he really is just feeling threatened by all of the changes in you. I have heard from two pyschologists now, that WLS can put an enormous strain on marriages and many fall apart if the couples don't seek counseling to help them work through the emotional upheaval. Now, I'm not so sure that counseling can make or break any marriage (I had one fail in the midst of counseling) but I am sure that if the two of you don't sit down and address the issue together, it will only get worse as you get to looking even better. When you do talk, really listen to him. Don't be busy trying to defend yourself - when we do that, we aren't really hearing what the other person is dealing with and therefore we won't be able to help. Anyway, I hope you two get it worked out. I'm sure it will take some coaxing on your part to get him to really open up about it, but it will be worth it.

Now, about your signature line. The reason it's broken is because you have to copy everything from the first [ img] through the last [ /img]. Leave off anything about the url, and then it should show up up correctly.

[Tricia K. 0]

I have a different perspective on this. I did the same with my husband, I was loseing and would ask him if he could tell and he would always say nope, dont see it or something along those lines. I was feeling pretty discouraged about that too. Then one day when I was picking him up from work, out the clear blue, he says wow, you really look good. I can really see a lot in your face is gone. Now I was just sitting there stunned. I was like well what is differnt today than a couple of days ago and he just said, he dont know but he can really see it today. I think the people we live with are just too close to it. They see us all the time and the change is gradual so the numbers are adding up but it takes a while for the change to register. So now I dont ask anymore and every now and again he will suprise me.

I have a similar situation. I didn't ask my husband that often if he could see the difference, but would every now and then. For the first 40 some pounds, he couldn't see a difference. Then, as soon as I purchased smaller clothes, all of the sudden he could see a big difference.

[DOC 0]

It sounds like you need a (((((hug)))))!

I don't have any words of wisdom.... just wanted to congratulate you on your weight loss and give you a hug.

Donna

[Butterfly07 0]

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement. I do really need a hug!!

We have had a few knock down drag out fights and I have pleaded for counseling but he refuses. I think this has shed light for me on the same issues we have had for 21 years but I was so busy feeling lucky to have someone care about me (it sure wasn't me), that now that I do feel I deserve more, I am not sure he is willing/capable of giving me the emotional things I want.

I have talked to some male friends about this too and they agree with you that he may be very threatned, and now it is my feeling that he should be. Deep down I am not sure I want to settle for another 20+ years of no emotional support.

He is also probably sick of hearing about the weight loss, but I guess I thought this life was a jouney we were on together.

Would it make me a bad person to say that I am not sure I want this anymore, that I deserve better?

ps - I did give up about 3 weeks ago asking him if he noticed anything, and about 2 weeks ago telling him about compliments, but he has been with me sometimes when I recieve them, so he hears it them. Also, twice I have had to go buy new smaller clothes, and still nothing. Even my teenage kids say they can see it now.

[Tricia K. 0]

*BIG HUG* Sweetie, this is a decision only you can make but, personally, I don't think it would make you a bad person. Sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves. And, yes, you do deserve better. From what you've posted, it seems as though you've pleaded and tried to get him to go to counseling, to no avail. Maybe you can try one last time and then have a serious talk with him about your concerns to get his reaction. But, please, please, please, please.....DO NOT give him an ultimatum. That's one of the worst things you could do, to him and to yourself. I hope this gets better very soon. *BIG HUG*

[Boo 3]

I really feel for what you are going through. Often, the same issues resurface in our marriages at times of change and stress. Our greatest pain and greatest joy can come from our own spouses. My husband has never been one to compliment me, even when I was thin. So I have just learned to announce to him any successes that I have had. I never ask him how I look. He is uncomfortable for some reason, unless I flirt with him, or compliment him. Also, I find it interesting that some husbands, and friends for that matter, are more "fair-weather friends" and some are more "foul-weather friends." Has your husband been there for you through any really hard times, illnesses, tragedies? Is your husband more comfortable living with an unhappy person, struggling with self-doubt due to obesity? He might like the role of being the strong hero that you can lean on? My husband seems to be more tuned into me when I am grieving, unhappy, or struggling with a problem.

But I'm not sure what will happen when I start to see success with weight-loss (banded in 2 1/2 weeks). We have to find a way to take them along on our journey. There is too great of an investment to toy with the idea of discarding a husband. Maybe he needs some compliments. Maybe confiding in other men, unless they are family is not the best place to find the support and answers you need. Do you have a church support?

I am NO marriage counselor, but I do "feel your pain."

[Butterfly07 0]

I really feel for what you are going through. Often, the same issues resurface in our marriages at times of change and stress. Our greatest pain and greatest joy can come from our own spouses. My husband has never been one to compliment me, even when I was thin. So I have just learned to announce to him any successes that I have had. I never ask him how I look. He is uncomfortable for some reason, unless I flirt with him, or compliment him. Also, I find it interesting that some husbands, and friends for that matter, are more "fair-weather friends" and some are more "foul-weather friends." Has your husband been there for you through any really hard times, illnesses, tragedies? Is your husband more comfortable living with an unhappy person, struggling with self-doubt due to obesity? He might like the role of being the strong hero that you can lean on? My husband seems to be more tuned into me when I am grieving, unhappy, or struggling with a problem.

But I'm not sure what will happen when I start to see success with weight-loss (banded in 2 1/2 weeks). We have to find a way to take them along on our journey. There is too great of an investment to toy with the idea of discarding a husband. Maybe he needs some compliments. Maybe confiding in other men, unless they are family is not the best place to find the support and answers you need. Do you have a church support?

I am NO marriage counselor, but I do "feel your pain."

He is definetly a "foul weather friend". When the chips are down, there are none who step up to the plate better. To me, the trouble is the chips are (thankfully) not always down, and it's the day to day times that he doesn't get into the game, let alone up to the plate.

You are also correct that these have been issues for me our entire marriage, and I am such a new person inside as well as outside, that I finally feel as if I deserve a little more of the day to day stuff.

I just wish I knew what to do. Part of me is tired of being the one who does all of the trying all of the time.

It's too bad that when they addressed these internal changes briefly in pre-op counseling, I never really believed that I would succeed at losing the weight, so I guess I couldn't imagine being in this place and didn't take it seriously. Maybe it's a case of being careful what you wish for.

[bondgirl 0]

I am going through the same thing at the moment. My husband and I are seeking counseling and start on Monday. He refused and refused but now has finally said Yes to go. I am happy that he did and hopefully we will straighten things out. Keep hope and know that there are others going throught the same thing. If you ever want to talk please PM me. I would/need someone to talk to about this as well. It's tough, hard, and quite frankly sad that we have to go through this after losing so much and feeling better about ourselves. I feel selfish saying that but its the truth. You would think the men in our lives would be star struck to see their woman lose so much and look so much better and feel so much better for themselves. I love him still but things have to change.

Angie

[shackdog 1]

Well my spouse is a pure diamond......she has been at my side through each and every decision. we have been married now 28years and I dont know what I would ever do without her, I explained to her that she is my sole mate and I want to walk hand in hand with her at the park, go on hikes together, just be with her. I know that this surgery changes you on the inside as well as the outside but my bride is the super glue that is going to help me hold this all together as WE walk this path. There are going to be many highs and many lows but I know with her at my side all things are possible.

Maybe if you explained this to your spouse and with the help that you are all going to get this will be another tool that helps your walk .

[PhotoNut 7]

I've been thinking about this thread for days. And I wasn't going to post anymore after my initial post, but...

Ok, get ready for some straight talk now. I don't think you're a bad person at all. But I think you're perspective might be a bit askew. It is good to find strength and confidence within yourself, but please be careful about ego. Before you lost weight, you were thankful to have this man's love. Now that you are losing weight, you think you deserve better than him. This is a mindset that will cost you much in life. Trust me - been there, done that. Don't you think that he's picked up on this attitude and that he feels let down and upset at the thought of his whole world crumbling around him? Sure you do.. you said yourself "I have talked to some male friends about this too and they agree with you that he may be very threatned, and now it is my feeling that he should be." Honestly, it sounds to me like you have already made up your mind.. and based on that, his behavior doesn't surprise me at all. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you be happy? How easy would it be for you to compliment him on the very thing that's changing him into someone who wants better than you?

This man is your husband. Not a friend you can choose to be around or avoid. For better or worse.. until death yadda yadda. Just words? Is he abusing you physically or mentally? Is he sleeping around on you? Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? Is he spending all of your money and running you into the ground financially? So far all you've told us is that he doesn't compliment your weight loss and he gets upset when you tell him about others complimenting you. Grounds for divorce? Reasons for ending a 21 year marriage? Hm... (those were all rhetorical questions - please don't answer them)

You can count on him to be by your side in the bad times. You've said that "When the chips are down, there are none who step up to the plate better." Would you rather be dealing with a man who is only there for you when you look good, or when things are going well?

How about you? Will you be there for him when the chips are down? Or will you decide that now that things are better for you.. you deserve someone better than him? What has suddenly made you better.. weight loss? Hm...

Say you do leave him in search of something better. Do you think that there are men out there that don't have something wrong with them? Giving up a 21 year investment in a relationship just means having to start all over with someone else who will have faults that bother you.

These probably aren't things that you want to hear. Especially if you have it in your mind that life without him is going to be so much better, and if you are already excited about what you'll find once he's gone. But I can't in good conscience read this thread and not say these things to you. I pray you take what I've said and just think about it for a while. And please, I'm not telling you that you don't deserve to be happy. But I am telling you that we often make big mistakes when we focus too much on what WE DESERVE.

I offer you my thoughts as a possible help to you. I don't expect you to defend yourself or even provide more personal information about your marriage. I'm not judging you, so please don't take it that way. I'm speaking from my own experiences.. if they don't apply to you, then just forget my post. Best of luck to you in this situation. I mean that sincerely.

[cashley 0]

In defense of your hubby I have one comment.... it's much harder for the person that sees you every day to notice. And he could just be a bit jealous and tired of hearing about your success.

Is he worth fighting for? If so, fight for him and fight for youself.