Would paying for someone else's band be offensive?

Carlene · June 30, 2006

Wheetsin, you win the Daughter of the Year award, hands down. :first:

Just have a quiet heart-to-heart with your mom and tell her that the money means NOTHING to you, but she means EVERYTHING, and PLEASE accept it. I lost my mom 16 years ago and if there had been a chance - even a tiny one - that money would have helped, I would gladly have given every dime I have and gone to live in the street.

Beg your mom to let you do this for YOU and your dad, not for her. Beg her on your knees, if you have to.

You are only as happy as your saddest child.

Northernsun · July 1, 2006

I have no answers for you. There is no right or wrong answer to this- it is really a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Writing as a 53 year old mother who has always had a problem accepting gifts- especially big ones- I see where she is at. As a daughter who has lost her mom 5 yrs ago, I see where you are at. With all the other things you have written, the only thing I can say is to go slowly. Be an example for the surgery so Mom can see it really can work and talk about your experiences and NSV's and how happy you are with the whole process slowly a little bit at a time for a long while. This may take time but after she sees you and hears you, slowly she may come around. I would not try to push it or just present it to her- sometimes we can all be like little kids and automatically run the other direction!!

Good Luck!

jcbydesign · July 1, 2006

What a wonderful daughter!

Elisabethsew · July 1, 2006

I would present your Mom with a gift certificate for the surgery and tell her that it's not refundable. Give it to her on a special day... like her birthday and tell her the greatest gift she can give you is living a long life.

Stitchy · July 2, 2006

I just straight up talked to her about it during the weekend. I told her that whatever course of action she decides on, the money is there. She said she knows it wouldn't hurt us financially, and she'll keep it in mind. I respect that she is her own person and needs to find her own way to do things, and the best thing I can do is be there for her when she gets there, wherever "there" may be. If she has questions I will answer them. If she asks for help, I'll be there before the question is out of her mouth.
Thanks for all your suggestions. They're not wasted - there's still a lot of thinking for her to do, and many ways left for me to help her that might benefit from a little kick of creativity.

Wheetsin. Good for you for talking to her straight. I would suggest that sometime in the future - maybe not right away - to keep on asking her if she has thought about it. She may be wishing she could take you up on your loving offer but not know how to broach the subject. If you can bring it up occasionally - and you will know when and how - it may make it easier for her to accept. I personally would find it difficult to say "remember that offer you made awhile back..?"

I am touched to tears at your generousity. Your are a wonderful daughter.

NancyRN · July 5, 2006

Wheetsin,

What a generous offer. You're a special person, and I bet your mom's special, too, for helping make you that way.

I think the best idea is the "you've won a free procedure". You could say it's for research or that your doc has been so successful helping people with this surgery that he decided to "give back" to the community, and this is his way.:kiss

Another option might be to write her a letter from your heart and give it to her. That way, she can't interrupt you right away!

Wheetsin, I'm concerned about your mom's fixation on being a bad mom to you. My first thought was, "Something's off the beam here. It sounds like she's depressed." What do you think? Would she ever accept help to relieve those guilty feelings?

Keep us posted on what develops!

NanctRN

Goannabanda · July 25, 2006

Wheetsin,

You are a daughter to be proud of. If one of my family were in need, I'd hope that I have the financial means and generosity of spirit available to help out (like you obviously have in loads).

Whatever happens, you must not be deceptive or pressuring about this - having such a surgery is a big decision for your mum, and no doubt you will feel at least some responsiblity if she goes ahead. Open and honest communication, and then leaving it to her to sort out (as you have done) are in my opinion, the best way to go. Having her read the thread, or writing her a letter or scrapbook of memories, hopes and dreams for your mum might be meaningful for her too...

Good luck, both to you and your mum!