Would paying for someone else's band be offensive?

[Wheetsin 714]

A bit of a story...

I have a great relationship with my parents, but my mother especially has a lot of baggage around my obesity, for which she blames herself - she wan't there enough, she didn't teach me the right eating habits, she was overweight while I was growing up and was a bad role model, etc.) They came with us to the hospital, in separate cars, and I later learned she cried the whole way because she felt HORRIBLE...as she put it, "I didn't want you to have to go through something as drastic as your first surgery to take control of a problem that's my fault." Basically my mom felt that "My daughter is fat because of me and now she has to undergo something this severe to take care of the situation." I've told her again and again it's not her fault but, well -- she's a mom.

My mom is MO herself, and I know she'd do just about anything to get the weight off. She has said she would get the band if she could, and has asked a lot about the costs. However, her and my father are both state employees, and only have one option for healthcare through a local hospital network that completely condems WLS, doesn't offer any WLS procedures, and certainly doesn't provide coverage for it for employees or customers. They won't even let spare rooms be used for local support groups because they want no association with WLS. My parents also don't make a lot of money. They can provide for their needs, and have a little extra, but that's about it. They could not afford the add'l payment of having the procedure financed.

On the other hand DH and I have it easy, financially. We could pay her expenses out of pocket without a second thought. I mean - crap, DH spent more on my bday present than what the entire cost of her surgery would be. OF COURSE I'd rather have my mom's good health! Here's my rub... we've bought them large/expensive things before, and while they appreciate it, they always feel bad and akward - they're still stuck on "we don't want you kids spending your money on us" mentality. They're pretty old-fashioned in that sense, and adamant that a child not spend their "hard earned money" on the parent.

I know that if I ask my mom if she wants me to pay for her procedure, she will say no because she wouldn't want us to spend our money on her. But she's my mom, and I want her around for as long as possible.. .and her weight is really starting to affect her health. I *know* this would do her good, and she's open to the procedure itself, but sees it as 100% out of reach. I've explained this to her, and told her I want her to be around for me, and to meet her grandchildren, etc. -- but she still won't hear of us spending that much of "our" money on her (as far as I'm concerned, anything we have is theirs too, if they need it, and she knows this).

I've thought about just depositing money to cover the costs into their account, but she'd flip and I know she'd insist on us taking it back.

So I know there are moms & especially banded moms out there... can you give a daughter advice on what would work if you were in my mom's shoes? I'm a fighting for a lost cause? Any suggestions for how else to bring this up?

[HeatherGurl 0]

I think that is the most awesome thing I have EVER read on this forum!

I really hope she will accept your offer. If I was able, and my DH would let me, I would pay for my sister to have it done.

[PhotoNut 7]

This is so neat. Hmm.. why not just pay for it and not tell her how much it costs? Tell her that you'd like to do this not as a gift for her, but as a gift for you and the rest of the family, so you can keep her around longer. Instruct the surgeon and others not to inform her of the cost, and play it down.. tell her its not really that much.

Good luck with this. My mom paid for mine and I wasn't offended in the least.

[paula 4]

Wheetsin,

IF she could afford it, you are certain she would have WLS done? And if so, which one?

Going with what P'Nut said, my opinion is to pay for the surgery then present it to her as a gift. This way she couldnt refuse it. You could tell her that you'll lose the money if she didnt do it.

I say go for it.

Its your mom! The ONLY mom you'll ever have!

(((BIG hugs))) to you for loving her so much (Id do the same for my mom too). :clap2:

[DonnaB 3]

Add up the total cost of all the things she's given you in your life. Tell her you're just leveling out the playing field!

If that doesn't work, tell her this is her Christmas, Birthday, Mother's Day, Easter, Anniversary, and Groundhog Day gifts, all rolled into one, for the rest of both of your lives. And then make sure you stick to it. Maybe she'll accept it that way.

Good luck, and bless you for being a good daughter.

[Dody 0]

You are a very special person to want to do this for your Mom. I hope she knows how truly blessed she is to have a daughter like you. On the flip-side I kind of know how she would feel. I would not let my daughter pay for my surgery (but that is because I can afford it myself) so I'm between a rock and a hard place on how you should handle this. If your mother is a proud person, this will be difficult for her, unless you find a way to make it seem not like "a gift", (although it's truly a gift of life). Wow, I have to think about this from a Mom's perspective and put myself in her shoes. If I couldn't afford the surgery, I'm not sure what I would do. I guess if my kids truly wouldn't miss the money I would consider it so I could be around longer and enjoy my grandchildren. That's my reason for having it done now. Gifting is a tough thing for those of us that are proud, and don't accept things readily. I think the best suggestion was don't tell her the cost at all, and just let her know it is out of love and the fact you want her around for a very long time. It seems like Mom is carrying a lot of baggage around as it is with guilt feelings. Let her know how much you love her and that this is a "gift for you and grandchildren" so that she will be in your life for a long time.

You're a wonderful daughter.

[CCBSTX 0]

What a lovely idea! Explain to your Mom, the things you told us. Tell her this is something that you and your husband want to do, out of love.

Shawn

[missy4gordon 0]

That is one of the nicest things I've ever heard! What a wonderful daughter you are!

I got to thinking if I was the mom and my son wanted to pay for me, I don't think I would be able to accept either, even knowing it is out of love and concern, I dunno.

Good luck, I hope you can convince her one way or the other.

[Wheetsin 714]

Thanks guys! I'm glad you get where I'm coming from. This is my mom. I only get one. I can always get more money, but if she's not here I can't ever bring her back. She's 52 years young, and I want her with me for a few more decades. Dad too!

I appreciate the suggestions. I thought about having my surgeon tell me the costs and paying, and just giving her the appointment scehdule or something. I have three concerns with that.

One being - what if she decides this isn't for her? Do you think she'd be left feeling like I was trying to pressure her to do it? I can explain why I'm doing it until I'm blue in the face, but she's a pretty sensitive person, and has a tendency to read too much between the lines...

Second concern - I know complications are unlikely, but my mother has a hard time with surgeries, which she's had far more than her fair share of. It would be her choice, but IF something went wrong -- man would I have guilt for the rest of my life... selfish, I know, but still in my mind.

Third concern - I don't want to give her a red hot, screaming and shouting notice that "your diets aren't working!" She doesn't react well to "bombs", even when they're necessarily reality checks. I will have to put a lot of thought and time into gauging where she's at, mentally, with her weight and her thoughts & committments about losing it.

[lambchops 0]

You know Wheetsin, I am crying right now. I have enjoyed all of your posts and think that you are a very smart person, beyond your years in wisdom. I am thinking of my own, young mother who died 4 months ago today. She had breast cancer, and the chemo that saved her from the breast cancer gave her leukemia which she died from. She was 55 and her 18 month old grandson will never remember her. I would give up everything I owned to have this woman back in my life and have a cure for what took her. Tell your mother that there is no greater gift than a grandparents love and that you will do anything to have her in your future children's life. Tell her she can pay you back by spoiling those grandkids with fairs and sleepovers and Cookies in bed.

[Alexandra 55]

What a wonderful daughter you are! This is a tricky minefield indeed, but it sounds like you are really empathetic and understand the many layers of feeling that might be evoked by this gesture.

She should be very proud of you. :thumb:

[mini_me 3]

SISTER,

i think i have got it. communicate your idea with your doctor. i am thinking that you and the doc can come up with a way to obtain your mother's participation if she wants, without pressuring her. as far as i know, the fda and manufacturing companies have always got some kind of trial going on. with cooperation from the doc, your mom could be contacted and invited to participate in a patient study concerning what docs have leaned in the last few years about placement of the band. if she wishes to participate, forward the funds to the doc. if she choses not to participate, then it is not something she wants to do after all.

yes, this is deceitful, but it is a fib that you can reveal to her when you first see her happy with herself. my mom would be the same way about being hesitant to accept this gift, but if the situation i suggested was presented to her, she would accept. and once time had passed, and she was so glad to have done this, the truth could be revealed. my mom would be soooo touched. she would dismiss the deceit, and understand your motivation.

maybe i am way off, but i am thinking in terms of what i would do, and what would work out best in my relationship with dm.

good luck, and how are you feeling??

[sarahv 0]

OK!

I just need to know.. is anyone here missing a sister?!? I'm here! I'm here!!

= ))

In all seriousness - the first thought that came to mind was to give it anonymously(sp) Deposit the money in their checking account and then send a note telling her what it's for. OR Pay the physician or center ahead of time and have them send her a "congratulations you've won" type letter. Tell her it was something you filled out for her at your last appointment - it was a drawing for a free procedure.(like the remodeling or vacation things you fill out at the mall)

I completely understand the whole -don't want my kids money mentality - but your heart is definitely in the right place!

Good Luck!

[ReneBean 3]

Maybe if your Mom wouldn't buy off on the trial study thing - you could tell her you won a Half Price surgery from your own surgeon. You could work it out with the doc in advance.

Or is there any way you can add your mom to YOUR insurance? (did insurance pay for your surgery?)

Take care of Mom - she's the only one you get.

Hugs!

[princess_n_thep 2]

Write your idea/feelings down in a journal. Then give her the journal. I say journal because I am guessing it will be many pages of you pouring out your heart and soul of how you feel, why you want this for her, etc etc. Then give it to her, sit quietly while she reads it, then end it all with a mom/daughter hug. I bet by the time it is done, you will both be crying, hugging and all on the same page (no pun intended). Plus, she can keep the journal and continue writing in it for her own journey. You can even have an envelope with a cashiers check for the money taped in the back. I think it would be sweet, easy to get your words across without interruption or excuses, etc. If she truly does not want the surgery, then she will say so. There is no pressure in writing down your feelings. There IS pressure when dealing face to face in a conversation or debate. This way, the conversation is straight forward and uninterrupted. She will have all of the information to "respond" to you. Just my idea....