Stand Firm? Or Let It Go?

[Tuckersmommy10 14]

On saturday i went to my parents house. We were all getting ready to go to the city but my dad had to finish up in the garden and walk on his treadmill ( He's a health freak !) I was making a sandwich and going to go to the restroom when my mom up and decides she is ready to leave NOW- well my son had pooped and she changed him. I guess he did not want to put pants back on and got up and started running around laughing. ( I'm in the kitchen throughout alllll of this ) She just starts screaming at him, tell him to come here now and chasing after him ... Well he started laughing when she was running after him... Then i said just give me a minute and i'll be in there. Its not like anyone was ready to leave right that moment. Long story short- she called him a little brat , a horrible kid and so on and just kept yelling at him to come here and when i said why are you acting like this? She said, because i get sick of you sticking up for your little brat because you all think he is an angel. Then made the comment, If he's going then i'm not going... ( My son is two by the way and has a hyper active disorder) I heard my dad tell her to stop , which caused them to fight because she was freakn nuts. I pick up Tucker and his pants and shoes and just left , in the back ground my dad was saying, Jen please stay... By that point i was crying. Not only because she yelled at my child for something stupid, but because it caused them to fight... and As if i don't know my son can be hard to handle and has trouble listening? I left , cried all the way home... and finally later that night my dad called and said hey, we are home... Do you want to bring Tucker by? I said no, not till Mom apologizes for what she said... ( My SO was red hot when he heard about her calling him a brat ) Got home, curt called- (SO) and he asked why i was crying and i told him. He said not to let tucker around her till she says sorry.... Which i agree with... Its been 4 days and she hasn't called at all... My son is asking for his meme.... I'm lost?

Background- Over the years my mom has always said very hurtful things to many people like she just doesn't care- Growing up i can remember walking through the kitchen to get to the bathroom and he asking, "What are you eating now Jen" She's made comments about my weight , even now and as a child in front of people and its so embarrassing.... " We let her stay home one summer and she packed on 50 pounds, ate everything! "

I had recently lost 57 pounds and bought myself a coach purse as a reward... and all my mom said was, God thats an ugly purse.... Why would you buy that...?

Not to mention her own brother does not come around her- and doesn't answer her calls. Its pretty pathetic that he sends my son Christmas money in an envelop to avoid her...

My moms sister doesn't come around much because my mom always has something negative to say about her- My aunt has had weight problems and knee issues all her life... so she is on Disability ... My mom makes comments like " Yeah, must be nice to be able to sit at home on your ass " Like to her face... Yeah- my aunt could prob find a sitting job somewhere- but i would never tell her that out of respect for her as my aunt. My aunt isn't married and my mom always has something to say about her boyfriend "Mike"- or always asks her sister susie "where do you get all this money you spend" Umm my aunt shops used or thrift shops- or the clearance rack.. Its not like she has a Coach purse and driving a BMV.

My main reason for holding firm is , with my mom.... Nothing is ever a gift or favor.... Its always something she brings up or throws in your face... My SO has asked me to not let her buy my son anything because it creates problems...

My mom once bought my son some shoes- they were like 20 bucks... i thought she was being nice... come to find out- she told my aunt she HAD to buy him shoes... and i said, no, why would you have to? Her response was " Well how will you guys afford them? UMMM- Well... My SO works, 40 hours a week... he's union... We aren't rich by any means but we pay the mortgage and bills....

Anyways... Would you Stand firm and wait for her to apologize? Or just let it be? Anyone else with mothers like this?

[Iava 0]

Hi, I am sorry you are having these issues with your Mother. I too have issues like this. Only my mom puts me down in front of my children and my friends. I am recently divorced and 42 years old. She insists on bringing over groceries to my house, even when I tell her we are fine. God forbid we eat Hamburger Helper once in a while or just have Soup and Sandwiches or even a Breakfast night for dinner. Then she tells the entire family how broke she is because she has to help me out, which then creates conflict between me and my family, even though they know that I have plenty of food. She will buy prime rib and I just feel it's so insulting to me as a mother. The one thing that my divorce didn't strip me of was my pride in being a good mother and making the right choices for my children and putting them first. She's come to my house and threatened my neighbors that she'd call DCF on them if they came around me. She will come over and pound on my front door if again "God forbid"- I took a nap and didn't answer the phone. My kids are 10 and 17. Not like they are babies and I can't take an hour nap once in a while. She will complain my home isn't **** and span. My house is the "go to" house for all the kids friends and the neighbors kids. I always have my kids plus some extra hanging out. So, no my house isn't perfect, but it's clean and a bit cluttered. I love her to pieces. I believe she has some unresolved issues of her own that she projects onto me. I have told her that as nice as I can, but I am not sure she is aware of it.

Now back to if you should stick it out. I can't tell you what to do, but If it were me, I would call her and tell her you love her, but you can't have her speaking to me or my child like that. I would tell her how I feel. I would tell her the consequences of her continuing on her relationship destruction habit. I would let her know that I am a good mom and I am protecting my child. Before demanding an apology, I would wait to see if she gives one on her own. If she doesn't then let her know that I am an adult and I would like to have an apology and her word that she won't talk to me or my child that way again.

You know your mom better than anyone. Don't doubt yourself in this matter.

I hope this all works out for you. And you aren't alone!

[lifebegins2012 21]

Hi. Relatives can't half be hard work at times!! My mom can get irate very quickly out of the blue. She doesn't swear or be offensive directly but does lots of slamming, banging, etc which for someone of 60 seems really silly!

If I were you, I'd try and make a stand. It sounds like people have put up with her ways but she has really overstepped the mark. If you don't do this now then you're giving out the signals that it's ok for her to continue doing things like this. We can all say things in anger/temper and I really do hope she regrets her behaviour but she does sound stubborn so it might take some kind of 'meet in the middle' actions, maybe instigated by your dad to help move forward. Do you picninc as a family? Maybe dad could suggest going somewhere away from 'her territory'.

I hope you get a happy outcome xx

[sman342 13]

No matter how this one plays out, your mom isn't going to change.

So your decision is how you will react to this person in your life.

Drawing the boundaries with your mom ("mom, you can't speak like that to Tucker.") would be a start.

I know my folks still regard me as 14 years old but when it comes to my kids, that's when I assert myself as the adult that I am.

[Mayasgram 351]

Your mom sounds like a very unhappy person. Sounds like a bully . You can not change her, but you can change you. My mom was more passive aggressive and she never changed until I at the ripe age of 53 I decided it was over. She stormed out after one of her scenes and my dad said his typical response " you know how your mother is". Well yes I do and I know how I aiways swept her stuff under the carpet and went on. Well this time I said no more and I waited her out it took a month and no family Thanksgiving before she called and wanted to know just what had she done to make ME act this way. So I laid it out you can not talk to me that way anymore and if you do I will not accept that behavior and I will leave.

Our relationship changed that day for me it was for the better, I stood my ground and she learned to respect the boundaries I had laid down, it wasn;t a fairy tale ending but she learned I meant what I had said and I think she respected me for it.

No one can tell you what to do for you. Tell your little one grandmas gone on a trip...............And think about what it is you want from this relationship and what you are willing to do to get it. How many times have you been here, how many more times will you be here if things don't chang?? Good Luck......

[sasp35 17]

I recommend a a book called "Toxic Parents." It'll help you identify "toxic" people (not just parents) in your life. It'll also help you determine what to do. You can keep the status quo, completely cut her out of your life, or some compromise in the middle. Only you can determine. Not an easy answer. But now that you have children and her actions impact them, boundaries need to be set. As sman 342 said, you can't change someone else, you can only change your response. Good luck with it all.

Stephanie

[yvonne74 73]

I feel like I could have written some of your post. I have never had a good relationship with my mom. almost 3 yrs ago, my mom beat the crap out of me in front of my child, all b/c I was talking to my husband (who was deployed at the time) and wouldn't hang up with him when she told me to. I was made to be the bad guy. While I still have a very strained relationship with her, I let her back into my life. Every few months, my mom will go mental? on me and stop talking to me for weeks at a time. Thankfully we live 3 hours away from each other that I won't see her every day.

I agree with the others. Only you can decide what is important to you. I am sure that if you talk with her about the unacceptable behavior that it will cause another arguement (It would with my mom anyways). But that is something you need to do. She has no business talking to a child that way especially a 2 yr old. Children that age are hyper anyways and can be challenging but that is no reason for her to act the same age.

[Tuckersmommy10 14]

Thanks for all the advice, I'm still upset about this, and honestly ive been upset over her "drama" for years.... My dad is a wonderful man who wants to make everyone happy... I remember he always did more things with me than my mom ever did.... I was reading up about narcissistic personality disorder and it has my mothers name written all over it...... Minus the whole " wild unreachable dreams"

My mom is a very unhappy negative person... I can see why people don't go around her... She will tell people to their face that their hair looks like ****. Or How fat or ugly they look.... Its embarrassing. I'm pregnant with a little girl- and we have went to some garage sales to look for clothing ect.... and my mom will say ( Right in front of the person having the sale ) This price is too high, or thats ugly i would never buy that then toss it down on the table... I don't know about other people, but i've had garage sales to sell my sons old clothing and it pisses me off when people just "toss" things around i've spent hours sorting and pricing..

I've decided to stand firm- I'm leaving it up to her to admit she is wrong,... for years my dad has said "humor her" or you know how she is.." Well i'm not using that as an excuse anymore- she needs to learn how to treat people, she is 53 years old. All my life she has made me feel fat, ugly and worthless... She has caused family fights as long as i can remember and stirs up so much ****. I guess i am sick of it... Sick of dealing with her.. I am willing to let our relationship go if she doesn't admit her wrongs IN FULL... and mean it... And possibly seek help. She needs it and people making excuses for her actions is not helping- only putting it off... I wish people could see the way she demands my dad to do things..... She doesn't even put gas in her own car, Friday night my dad asked her to run to Walmart and have the oil changed.... Her responce was " I'm not getting dressed and driving over there" Its a ten minute drive and she sits at home all day because she is off in the summer time.... She has even asked me to drop off her RX at the pharmacy because shes' not "getting" out..... Not my problem! You have a phone, they do refills over them....

Anyways- Thanks for all the advice.... I really apprecaite it, and its nice to know others have the same problem.

[lifebegins2012 21]

xxxx hugs xxxx

[m1aman 944]

Tucker you mentioned meds and you may be right. That could be all she needs to help her with whatever is causing her attitude problems. Of course getting her to admit she needs help and go to the doctor is a whole 'nuther problem. But if she has anxiety or depression it would be so easy to remedy.

Course I am not a medical professional. Just based on my own experience.......