Parenting w/two sets of kids

[mrycrltn 2]

I am a mother of two sons 14 &10. My husband is the father of one daughter, 14. We all live together and it has been hard. My kids are having trouble ajusting, and so is his daughter. We have spoiled them to know end.

My kids ask me all the questions, and say they are talking to me. And his daughter ask my husband all her questions. Everything is so tense. We have been married since Oct. and I knew it would be hard at first, yhen I thought it would get easier. BOY WAS I WRONG!

Any suggestions?

We have been to a counsler, I guess we need to keep going.

[Kelliebelly 13]

When my partner and I got together I was 23 and he was 39. He had a 12 yo, 15 yo and a 17yo. I had a 6 yo and 1 yo twins. We moved into together about 4 months later...ALL OF US!!! I had trouble adjusting to looking after teenagers and stuff since I was only 23. It caused alot of tension and fighting for about 2 years. Adjusting was one of the hardest things I have ever done. They was fight about favouritism, your not my MUM/DAD you cant tell me what to do and on and on. Neeedless to say we came through it, we have our own 22 mth old as well now. His youngest who is now 18 still lives with us, the elder two have their own places. I am very close to his youngest who has lived with us since she was 12 and I went through all the girl stuff with her, then the climbing out the window stuff. I treated her like she was my own and that took adjusting for her too. i continuously told her I loved her and cared for her like she was my own and that is why I was doing the things I was...chasing her all over the country side in the middle of the night when she was 13. She has come out of that stage now and is doing really well. I have to say though, the mixed family thing with lots of kids is soooooooo hard, I honetly dont know how Paul and I survived it. I think back and shudder at that 2 yrs of adjusting.

Good Luck

[Kelliebelly 13]

I just re read my post and I didnt even offer any suggestions. There really is nothing you can do except go with the flow. Dont spoil them rotton or they will learn to expect it all the time. Lay down the law and let them all know it is the same rules for all of them. Never show favouritism, either of you. Let all of them know as much as you can that you love them and care for them like they were your own and you are a family. A counsellor didnt work for us either.

Good Luck

[mrycrltn 2]

Thanks Kel. Your right it is hard. I am going to take some of your suggestions, and see if it helps at all.

[vinesqueen 2]

I am in somewhat of a different situation--my husband is always teasing me about my "neighborhood strays" and my son is teasing me about my newest stray, my first daughter.

I've treated all the kids in my life the same way, like they are my own children. That means that I set clear house rules, that I treat them all with dignity and respect and cherish all of them.

I make sure that I have "alone time" with each of my kid so I can concentrate on just them. It might be going out for an ice cream, or a movie, it might be a trip to the art/craft store to make sure they have enough supplies like pens, pencils or paints and paper. It doesn't matter if they are 5 or 17, I try to make sure they are all taken care of.

I know all my strays have loving parents of their own, some of them just have crazy work hours, some of them are students. I'm good friends with some of my kids and other of my kids I just know in passing. But they all know how much I care for their kids.

Blending families is as much art as it is science. I think continuing counceling is a good idea.

For your new daughter, schedule time at the local beauty school for manacures or pedicures or things like that together. Personally I think that this will teach her that it is ok to pamper herself and others, even on a budget. (I like going to beauty schools because I know that I'm helping the students get time to practice on a paying customer who isn't going to be super critical) One of the things I do with my older kids is really listen to thier music. Music is so important for many kids, and I think that when adults make an effort to simply listen to them it has a big impact.

I would ask that your husband spend "alone time" with each of your boys too. Going off and doing some manly thing is important.

Share your interestes with your new kids. Be sincerely interested in their interests as well.

[PhotoNut 7]

I have been on all sides of the fence in my life. I was the only child of a woman who remarried, which brought a younger step-sister into my life. My father also remarried and fathered another daughter. So I know from the kids view how it feels to try and fit in with a mixed family. Each child having different relatives was a constant reminder that we were not equals.

When I first married, I became step mom to two young children from my husband's first marriage. A girl who was 6 and a 4 year old boy. They lived with us for a good portion of the time. After my first child was born, the older two had jealousy issues. Three years later, the son came to live with us permanently. He was 9 when I had my second child, a son. I think because the kids were so young, they all fell into the family mode quite easily. But I know now, looking back on things, that I was indeed easier on my kids and harder on his son.

Jump forward 12 years. My daughter is 17, son is 13. I have been a single mother for most of their lives. I meet Dawg online and our world changes. By the time we were married, my daughter was 18 and was moving on in her life. But my son was 14 and going through some very difficult times. It took quite a while for my son to trust Dawg as a father. He already liked him as a friend. But handing over you mother to a stranger, who hasnt been through all the years of family stuff with you is a big thing to ask.

I share my background in order to show that I have some knowledge of the subject matter. *chuckles*

My advice to you is this:

Never, ever contradict your spouse in front of the kids. If you disagree, talk it out later in private. (Unless of course there is an abusive situation that needs to be stopped)

Be very open with your love and affection for each other in front of the kids. The more they see that you trust and love each other, the more they will be able to do the same.

Be their father's wife, not their best friend. If you try to be a pal, they will not respect you as they should. You can be loving and caring and interested in their lives as a mother would be.. but this leads me to the next point...

Do not expect to become mother to those teens. It will never happen. They will grow to love you, but you truly are -not- their mother and shouldn't try to be. When you do, you become a threat to them.

Stand back and let their father do the disciplining. They will take it from him much better. Let them see that you and he are in complete agreement on the rules of the house, but he is the enforcer. (This will be different for the young ones. They will be more accepting of his authority.)

When you hear things like, 'Youre not my mother' etc.. reply with truth. "No, I am not.. nor do I wish to take your mother's place. But we are a family, and I do love you and want the best for all of us here." If your children say these things to their own parent, 'Why do you let him/her talk to me like that? Why are you letting her/him do this to our family? Who is he/she anyway.. they just came in here and changed everything!' You again reply with the truth, "He/she talks to you like that because we want the best for you and all of us as a family. Your father and I/Your mother and I, believe that your behavior (or whatever) is not helping you or this family. Yes, things are changing, we are all adjusting to that change. But the important thing is, I trust (spouse's name) because I know he/she loves me, and loves you, and wants the best for this family. I think you already know this in your heart. Now, let's talk about the real issues here"... then address the problem that started it all in the first place.

The most important thing of all. Never let your children show disrespect for your spouse. At first, the child will feel you are betraying them in support of someone else, but in the long run they will find much more security and peace in the fact that they can trust that person because YOU do. Make sense?

Those are my suggestions. Take or leave whatever ya want, and I wish you all the best in your family. It's never easy, but it can be rewarding in the long run.

[mrycrltn 2]

Thanks Kat, Vinesqueen, and Susan. I am going to try everything. I get so mant answers here, I just love it. This is just like going to counseling.

[CCBSTX 0]

Great advice from Vines and P'Nut.

Remember: They are children going through trauma, at one point or another. Divorce and breakups are traumatic on the teens as well. They will defend themselves. If you give them love, patience, consistency, and LOVE it will take time. The first year will be rough.

Shawn