female only Still Struggling With Body Image

[heaterville 1]

I am alomost 3 yr post surgery. I met my goal weight & then some, gained about 30 lbs due to complications from an ulcer which required me to empty the band and go through all the refills, its slowly coming off again. I have a serious boyfriend of almost 2 yrs, he met me when I was at my current weight, was with me when I lost even more and was there when I gained it back. He is SOOO supportive, nice, is soooo sweet said he hadn't even noticed when I gained those 30 lbs. My total weight loss is 100 lbs or so though, my stomach is like the saggy baggy elephant, I've always had large flabby upper arms and the weight loss has made it worse, not to mention the fact that the weight loss and 2 kids have cause the girls to point way south. I am super self concsious about it all. I make myself look at myself naked in the mirror to get myself comfortable with myself, all I see is the flab and wrinkles. My boyfriend says he'd love me to walk around naked, the thought makes me want to puke. I get dressed up to go out on the town, one minute I'm thinkin go look pretty dang good - then I turn a certain way and see the back fat & skin hanging above my bra, or the bulge in my jeans from the stomach pouch & want to stay home. Recently the fact that my boyfriend said he wasn't in the mood for sex after a couple of weeks without sent me spiralling down into a depression, all I could think was that he doesn't find me attractive & the only way he gets through sex with me is because I start it and get him worked up enough to 'get through it'. I know its not the truth, but the voice in my head I've been hearing for 25 yrs is louder than ever, telling me I'm stupid for ever thinking I could be attractive or beautiful, how could anyone ever want to see a fat ass like me naked and the likes. I know I look decent, better than 100 lbs ago, but when I look a myself in mirrors or pictures I still me my 300+lb self. I am at a loss and don't know how to feel better about myself. I thought it would fall into place after the weight was gone. Anyone else struggle with this???

[ready4animprovedme 54]

I have yet to get banded but I know your feeling all too well. I hit the scale at just over 400lbs and one minute I think I look good and then I'll stand sideways or get one of those lovely stares from a stranger and it's all down hill from there. You need to remember where you came from and where you're at, as well as where you're headed! Talk yourself up and BELIEVE it! As far as your boyfriend, maybe talk with him? I too had issues of where I felt like my partner wasn't wanting sex because of the way I looked... and honestly, for me, hearing that I'm beautiful and attractive to my partner makes me feel better. At the end of the day you just got to believe that you are beautiful!

[heaterville 1]

I talk with my boyfriend, tell him that I need to hear the reassurance. He gets frustrated because he feels by having to tell me repeatedly it means I don't trust him or believe him, which I understand so I've tried to stop asking. Thank you though for the encouraging words! I KNOW what I should be doing and telling myself, putting it into actions is tougher than I ever thought.

[NWgirl 574]

I would say you should see a therapist to try and work out your body image issues. If you are always wanting your boyfriend to give you reassurance, then you probably need to find a way to believe it yourself.

[Jerseygirl82 18]

Wow, its like you are in my head. Those are the thoughts that I always have. When I met my now husband I was 136 lbs, he has since watched me gain almost 200 lbs in the last 10 years. He has been supportive and has always given me compliments and said I should "be naked more". He even likes touching my belly even though I think its gross. There have been occassions where he is not in the mood for a period of time and I think its me even though he says its not or even worse when I get up the courage to put lingerie on and he says he tired or his back hurts, thats the worst. It feels like a slap in the face. I wish I knew what to tell you to encourage you but I am in your boat!

As far as sagging skin, have you been documenting with your doctor that it is causing problems like friction burn or getting infected or yeast infections in the folds? A lot more insurance companies are covering skin removal if you have enough documentation that it is medically neccessary. You will have to be very persistant with that though.

That may help your self image issues a bit if you are able to get that done but a large part of it is your head so maybe think about a support group or therapist situation? Good luck.

[scorpiolady 83]

I'm probably a bit older than most of you but it's all about how you feel about yourself. My lowest weight was 128 lbs at 5' 8". Years ago, but I still remember feeling FAT and lumpy. How the hell could I have looked fat when I was so small? Looking back over my life and the years I've struggled with weight even if it was only 15 to 20 lbs., I had to learn it really doesn't matter how much I weighed but how I felt about myself. I was married for 25 yrs and sex came and went depending upon the tides. It happens. Don't base your self worth on what others may or may not think of you. If you feel beautiful, others will see your beauty.

I know its much easier to say then do, but loving yourself regardless of your weight and folds is process. Being single now (6 yrs) and dealing with being heavy has been a great eye opener for me. I've had to learn how to love myself regardless of my current numbers and this reflects on everything I do. If I feel good about myself I project that energy to the world. When I look in the mirror now I focus on getting healthy both mentally and physically because I love myself enough to make the effort.

Hope this helps and isn't taken as me being full of myself. I've had a low self image most of my life and deep inside I know it didn't have anything to do with my weight or my body.

Be beautiful!

[Sojourner 2,446]

I am alomost 3 yr post surgery. I met my goal weight & then some, gained about 30 lbs due to complications from an ulcer which required me to empty the band and go through all the refills, its slowly coming off again. I have a serious boyfriend of almost 2 yrs, he met me when I was at my current weight, was with me when I lost even more and was there when I gained it back. He is SOOO supportive, nice, is soooo sweet said he hadn't even noticed when I gained those 30 lbs. My total weight loss is 100 lbs or so though, my stomach is like the saggy baggy elephant, I've always had large flabby upper arms and the weight loss has made it worse, not to mention the fact that the weight loss and 2 kids have cause the girls to point way south. I am super self concsious about it all. I make myself look at myself naked in the mirror to get myself comfortable with myself, all I see is the flab and wrinkles. My boyfriend says he'd love me to walk around naked, the thought makes me want to puke. I get dressed up to go out on the town, one minute I'm thinkin go look pretty dang good - then I turn a certain way and see the back fat & skin hanging above my bra, or the bulge in my jeans from the stomach pouch & want to stay home. Recently the fact that my boyfriend said he wasn't in the mood for sex after a couple of weeks without sent me spiralling down into a depression, all I could think was that he doesn't find me attractive & the only way he gets through sex with me is because I start it and get him worked up enough to 'get through it'. I know its not the truth, but the voice in my head I've been hearing for 25 yrs is louder than ever, telling me I'm stupid for ever thinking I could be attractive or beautiful, how could anyone ever want to see a fat ass like me naked and the likes. I know I look decent, better than 100 lbs ago, but when I look a myself in mirrors or pictures I still me my 300+lb self. I am at a loss and don't know how to feel better about myself. I thought it would fall into place after the weight was gone. Anyone else struggle with this???

Many people have difficulties with developing a positive and accurate self image, including those who have lost a considerable amount of weight.

Working with a therapist to address these issues definitely would be helpful, but there are also other things to try as well. First, it important that the reassurances for positive self regard are initiated with you. The negative thoughts you wrote about are just like tapes you replay in your mind, over and over. Try to raise your awareness of the messages on those tapes, and change them to focus on positive and accurate thoughts. Identifying and modifying them will be a key issue to focus on with a therapist

We all need some external validation from others, but ultimately, it is much healthier if we can develop our own positive self regard, and then we are able to reason our way through the negative thinking. You can begin to work on this today by challenging the accuracy of your automatic thoughts. If you "hear" something often enough, you tend to begin to believe it.

Only you can change the messages on those tapes...it just takes some practice!

Good luck!

[#MagicWithinme 173]

Only you can change the messages on those tapes...it just takes some practice!

I agree

[Mayasgram 351]

Okay I think all of us to some degree know where you are coming from. I have lost all but 20 lbs of my weight I am in my 60's and I have struggled with my self image all of my life when I weighed 120 lbs I was fat in my head. It took a therapist asking me to bring in pictures of my self through the years that I realized it wasn't my weight that was the problem. It was my head and how I saw myself.

I am a pretty woman I have a great fun personality and I love people and fun and doing things for others my one true wish in life is that I had a friend like me. Sound arrogant no I know my good points and I have learned that how I think about me is how others think about me. Sure I don't go sleevless often , and the girls are lower then I like , I still have a little muffin top but that does not define me and anyone that uses that to define me doesn't deserve my attention.

This a learned attitude on my part, I was just like you once and I really appreciate your willingness to lay yourself out there. You are not alone in your thoughts and I hope you learn to love yourself and appreciate all the good things you are instead of focusing on the negative things you think you see in the mirror.

Anyone who has gone to the level we have to look and feel better deserves to be at peace with themselves...Good Luck and God Bless

[heaterville 1]

Thank you thank you thank you all!!! Some of these words made me cry, just knowing you understand and feel what I'm feeling. I have no one to talk to - my sister, boyfriend, everyone has always been thin. My mom has always been thin, but recenlty gained a LOT of weight so anything body image/weight related is a very touchy subject for her, & I know me being smaller than her for the first time since I was 10 is hard on her. Knowing others have felt this way I don't feel quite so alone. You all have given me a lot of empowering motivation. I know its an insane struggle, just sitting here trying to say in my mind 'I am beautiful' gives me an incredible amount of anxiety & really makes me realize I need help on this. I think because I've never really heard it before my boyfriend makes it very hard to see it might be somewhat true. I'm going to start slow by just doing some reading I think, trying to get myself to say something positive each morning, and maybe someday I will feel ok saying I am beautiful out loud. I feel foolish going to a professional on this for some reason, it seems very trivial in the big picture of mental health. But if this doesn't work I think I may need to. We'll see how tonight goes with my boyfriend. I'm hoping my 'freak out' the past few nights hasn't pushed him away! Thank you again!

[Krussell19 217]

Girl right there with you I started at 420 ive lost 150 pounds thats a person!! But when I look in the mirror I still see the same fat me ive dropped ten pant sizes, 4 shirt sizes hell I even wear smaller shoes now but I still hate looking at myself I am not comfident at all and my husband tells me everyday im beautiful and loves my body but im ashamed of it im 24 amd the weight ive lost is mainly in my stomach and boobs and they look awful and saggy and I wanna look like everyone around me. but ya know what ive come to relize quite recently im ALIVE and its because of my band without it id probably have already had a heart attack and if saggy boobs and tummy is what I gotta deal with to be able to enjoy a healthy sex life and being able to run up a flight of stairs and not be outta breath and tie my own shoes then so be it im on the right path and my husband thinks im fabulous so I must b we all have down days just remember you did this for the right reasons dont lose site of how much healthier you are now!

[Jachut 487]

I'm 5ft 10 and 140lb and I feel fat most days. That's because I was 130lb when I was sick and I beat myself up for regaining that weight. I mean, I had cancer, looked like a skeleton and have returned to a healthy weight and I beat myself up for it? Sheesh.

I see fat thighs and a fat bum when I look in the mirror, and they ARE flabby. A Tummy Tuck hasnt improved my self esteem one iota - I didnt have a bad stomach in the first place and had the tuck to fix a ventral hernia, but I am STILL dissatisfied. I cant fit into my really skinny clothes.

I have seen a psychologist for this problem for a while, but truthfully, I dont really think psychology is all that useful a tool for some people. I got nothing out of it. It doesnt help me to "talk" about it and have it gently suggested that my thinking is faulty. I already know that. I really just accept that I will never be happy with myself and I will always have that inner voice suggesting I could do better, be better etc. My best bet is to try to ignore it as much as possible and recognise when it is getting out of control. The truth is, when my eating and exercise behaviour is faultless, I can accept my imperfections. When I know that I'm not doing the most I coudl for myself, then they magnify. So the solution is simple. Eat right, and exercise and know that I've done all I can to be the best I can be, and live with whatever that is.

[Heather_8.1.14 65]

I can totally relate to this. Although I was banded and then 8 months later became pregnant (wanted to!) and after having my son I still struggle with an extra 20lbs (from baby weight AND post gall bladder problems), so I still sit about 40+lbs away from my goal. However, I found a pair of pants the other day I used to wear, and I held them up and my husband took a picture, and I felt like Jared from the subway commericals. I looked at them and thought, "My God I could put myself in ONE leg". I use that photo as a reminder of how far I've come, not by the mirror that shows me how far I still need to go.

PS, congrats to you and your loss, feel proud hun! You've done an amazing thing with your life, you've IMPROVED it!