Lap Band Regrets...

[lolusernames 0]

Hello everyone.

I'm totally new. I'm not a lurker, and I just made an account before creating this post. I only did it because I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed, and I was hoping that someone could help me. I apologize beforehand for the length of this post, and I further apologize for not being more active in the community before creating such a gargantuan, but I had to get this off my chest.

Let's start with the basics.

I'm a girl. 22 years old when I got the surgery (Sept 7th 2011), and I'm now 23. I'm 5'11", currently 211ish lbs. I've been hefty ever since I was a kid, and was only in the healthy weight range (barely, and often just "close") when I was 16-18ish. I've always struggled with trying to lose weight, but i've never been "that big." I carry 90% of my excess weight in my stomach, and because of my height... I didn't look bad weighing 185-200, which I often did. I've always been bad for working out OR dieting (never both at the same time. lol) for a few weeks, losing 15 or 20 lbs, and then stopping because I "looked okay."

And now for a brief family history.

I come from a family riddled with diseases... My grandpa on my dad's side has had several heart attacks as well as diabetes, and both my grandparents on my mother's side have had cancer, which actually claimed one of their lives. But the person most plagued by diseases is my father. He had open heart surgery at the age of 43 for not one... not two... not three... but FOUR major blockages in his heart, all ranging from 80-95% blockages. He also has diabetes, off the chart (literally, immeasurably high) triglycerides, and terrible cholesterol for... really, as long as I can remember. And, surprisingly, my dad is not "that big" either. He's also around 5'10" and 210lbs.

And it seems... the apple does not fall far from the tree. Even as a young teenager, I struggled with "borderline high" cholesterol, "borderline high" blood sugar, and "borderline high" blood pressure. I have been tiptoeing on the lines nearly my entire life.

In the last several years, my weight rose from 190 to 245 to 225 back up to 247, and despite what I considered to be my best efforts, I could not bring it back down below the 200 mark. I went to the gym and worked out -hard- 4 days a week; I would try to be conscious of what I was eating and make healthy choices, but I would see no results, and no results lead to lack of motivation.

It was at this time that my mother suggested to me that I consider getting lap band surgery, and my father (who has also had lap band surgery, but does not take advantage of it) supported her suggestion. I didn't think I was big enough to qualify as my BMI barely put me in the obese category, but it turns out that because of all my health issues and because of my family history of health issues, I actually was.

I watched multiple videos on youtube about people's stories... and I wanted that success. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to finally complete my journey and get into that healthy weight range and -stay- there. I wanted to be able to become healthy and not have to worry about tiptoeing on that line, or have to eventually take pills for blood pressure, diabetes, triglycerides, and cholesterol. I wanted to be able to win this battle while I was still in my 20s and to be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

And then, surgery day came. It sucked, but I compared the pain to me fighting a battle, and I thought I had won. I thought I had finally thrown the winning blow. But I was wrong.

It started at first with my top incision becoming infected, but they said that was relatively common for that top incision, and gave me an antibiotic. Then came my first fill, and it was very painful. I could tell by the doc's reaction that it was unusually painful. I was also very sore, but I attributed that to having surgery. I'd never had such a surgery before, so I thought a couple months of soreness would be normal. Then I went in for my second fill... And after 10 minutes of digging around in my stomach (ouch) I heard this terrible scraping sound... and one doctor went to get the other doctor, who repeated the attempt, only to get the same result-- a horrible scraping sound. Barely 2 months after surgery, I had to schedule another surgery to fix a flipped port.

I got the second surgery sometime around mid December. It was infinitely more painful than the first, but the pain was not as long lasting. And then came the scar. At first, it kind of looked better than the original port scar, but healing was not to be as cut and dry as we had hoped. Unfortunately, I'm a keloider. I've had 2 keloid scars on my shoulder since I was 10. The top scar, the one that got infected, has keloided... and the port scar, I guess because of all the trauma done to that skin, has also begun to keloid. LUCKILY, I'm not one of those keloiders whose scars hurt and itch... mine are just discolored and huge and raised/lumpy.

The good news is that this second surgery has fixed my band. My fills no longer hurt and we can successfully put Fluid into the band. But, on the Quest to lose 10lbs a month, we put a bit too much fluid into the band, and I spent the first 2 weeks of this month puking randomly, getting things stuck, and being generally miserable. I felt like I was at war with my own body. And after puking 5 times in one day and being unable to even drink Water, I had to get an appointment to get the band loosened. It has been loosened significantly. My misery has largely been alleviated, and the odd anxiety I was feeling has been lifted.

What's that I said? Anxiety? I've never experienced anxiety before.... why would I suddenly start feeling it when I could no longer eat like I used to?

And then I realized what was really wrong. I realized that I hadn't even started to win the fight. I realized that I wasn't fat because my stomach was a bottomless pit... I was fat because I ate to cope with my stress. Not being able to eat that pizza or chips or Cookies when I was feeling the pressures of the outside world was causing me to feel anxious, miserable, and downright pissed off. I didn't quit my diets in the past because I looked decent enough... I'd quit them because everyday pressures would make me want to eat unhealthy food, and I would give in... and I didn't even realize this! No diet could stop me from doing that until this one... and it made me feel miserable.

So now what? I've went through all this... the pain of 2 surgeries in 3 months time, a permanent alteration to my body, fresh, ugly scars that are just going to get progressively worse over time... and for what? The problem ISN'T with my stomach size, it's with my BRAIN.

Upon realizing this, I have found myself battling deep regrets. The one thing I never tried was counseling, because I didn't realize I had a problem. Now that I know that's the problem, and I know I'm going to have to look into getting therapy to try to find alternate coping methods, I wonder if I could have done it without the band. I wonder if I could have done it on my own and the band was just a huge, painful, ugly, inconvenient, and expensive mistake. I realize that it's reversible, but the insurance wouldn't cover that, and that wouldn't take away my scars... in fact, it would probably make all of them keloid.

I'm also morbidly terrified about losing weight and my port showing. My dad's port is so obvious that he has a huge (1-1.5 inch) bump that you can even see through his shirts... They say mine won't be like that, but I can feel it... and it feels close to the surface of my skin despite being attached to the muscle. I know how vain this sounds... keloid scars, port showing... but when I start to think that I maybe could have done it on my own if I'd approached it differently, that vanity can't help but to peek through.

But I'm also trying to be positive... because I know... or, at least, I THINK I know that if I can get my brain under control, the lap band could be a great tool to help me throughout my life, because I do have a soft spot for food (my soft, squishy belly!).

I just... I feel like such a failure. Sure, I've lost around 30lbs since September, but it's been such a struggle. Most of that weight came off in the 2 weeks of pre-op dieting. And finally recognizing and admitting that I have a serious problem with comfort food, and not knowing how to combat that... it just makes me feel so hopeless. I KNOW that the right alternative is to exercise, but having knowledge about something and feeling inclined to do it when you're sad, lonely, bored, angry, or stressed out are two totally different things.

Does anyone have any comments, suggestions, or advice? I'm hoping for support that I did make the right decision since I am so strongly leaning toward the idea that I have made the wrong one by getting lap band. I hate feeling this heavy sense of regret and failure. It's weighing on my heart, which doesn't help, considering I want to make myself feel better by eating. Sigh.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, you are a serious trooper, and thank you.

Jess

[2muchfun 8,927]

Don't take this the wrong way but I would recommend a psychotheropist. I'm sure your doctor has a list of therapists who specialize in eating disorders and how to deal with them. You can still use the band to get to your goal so there's no reason to have it removed unless it's medically necessary.

BTW-All of us have an eating disorder of some kind. It's never our stomachs that fill themselves up, it's our mind that controls that function. So you are not alone with your dilemma.

tmf

[bigenuff 302]

WOW ! I have to be honest I didn't read it all.I'm reapply sorry u went through all of that but it seems like u have a fresh start.and coming to this site will be a great help.I would say just try to stick with the basic band rules

1.no more than 4-6 oz of food at a sitting

2.Protein first ,then veggies then carb

3. Chew chew chew

4.eat slowly but no longer than 30min per meal.

5.utilize the site read and ask

Good luck !

[Merle 2]

Jess,

Hi, lets me just start by telling you that you are not alone. You're in the right place for support. I had my surgery a year and half ago. Your letter sounds like my letter that I posted in January. I had the impression that the band was going to do this for me. I've suffered from 2 bloodclots in the past 5 years, so i'm on coumedin for the rest of my life. I'm 44, 5'4 and as of this week im at 199. But right after surgery, one of my incisions wasn't properly closed, and it opened during the night so when I woke up I was covered in blood. It looked like someone shot me lol. Thankfully it was a very small bleeder. So my scars will always be red and noticable. Having carried all this weight since I was in my 20's, having a child in my 30's and middle age, my stomach looks like a balloon thats been inflated and deflated a million times. My upper arms hang like a flying squirrel, and my upper thighs well we wont even talk about them. And yes, I can feel my port all the time. I have to take Ambien because of my sleep aptnea. At night after I took it, I would fight the ambien effects and go into the kitchen and eat so no one would see me. I'd finish a half gallon of ice cream, have a dozen oreos and milk, you name it and wouldn't even feel guilty about it until I woke up and remembered and sometimes not remember, and felt soooooooo guilty but it wouldn't change the next night. and talk about anger, sadness, happy, mad I would do the exact same thing, I'd go for food for comfort. So you're not alone, we're all here with the same issues. By this past January I had enough, I too had the band too tight that I couldn't even drink a Protein Shake without vomiting then it was too lose and I was eating like it was a pass. I went thru the anxiety that I thought I wouldn't never eat again too. But in Jan., I went back to basics and joined weight watchers. Sounds like its defeat. But I realize now it wasn't defeat, it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long tiime. I took control and I stopped letting my band take control. I just went shopping and bought a size 12. I havent been a size 12 since maybe 7th grade. So even with the scars, hanging skiin, stretch marks I don't regret having surgery. So what that its not as fast as other people or as fast as we thought it would take. But it could have been worse, I could still be shopping at plus size stores, I could be sweating all the tiime, I could be self conscious of what people thought of me when I eat. But I don't feel that anymore. I feel normal. Thin feels better than junk food tastes. And I keep remembering that. So don't give up, and dont be so hard on yourself. We all do this one day at a time. And we all have good days and bad days. But think of your life when you do reach that amazing goal. You're so young, and you WILL have an amazing life. THIN

[mckenna11 0]

Hello Jess,

First I want to comend you for sharing your story and for your honesty. It sounds like you have had a tough few months emotionally and physically been put through the ringer. I truely feel for you. I got my band in February of 2010 it was a tough decision for me and I did a lot of research before going through with it. I bought into the whole life style change, I changed the way I ate, what I ate and more important why I ate. I exercised, ate right, followed all the advice such as small bites, no talking during meals, no straws, no pop diet or regular. For the first year and half things were great then my band disconected from the port, so I had to go in and have it reattached. That was more painful then the original surgrey. Recovery was horrible and painful. When I finally felt better I started back at the gym, started back with my fills and then went to get a fill and they were unable to pull any out because after a xray I found out the port is broken again. Since I can't take any more time off work I have to wait till July to have it fixed. I have good days and bad days. My emotions go up and down . I have found though that if I stay focused as to why I did this to begin with and that would be my 12 year old. See i am a single mom of a beautiful 12 year daughter and I needed to get control of my health and my life and the band helps me do that. I have been able to cut back on my diabetes medicine and I feel better, and my blood pressure is good and I have hope..hope I won't end up like my parents...my mom died in 2000 of a massive stroke and my dad is a two time open heart surgrey patient. Up I didn't meet the 100lbs over weight bar but I raked up enough comorbidies to be eligible for the surgrey. Jess you have to think why you had this operation and how can the band if it's working correctly how it can be a tool to help you get and keep control of your eating. I hope for the best for you and please know you are not alone. I have only been on this site for a few weeks but I have learned alot from so many people on this site. There is a great number of wonderful people on this web site willing to offer support and advice to help you through this difficult time. Hang in there thing s will get better just take it slow and I think seeing a counselor/therapist is a great idea we all need someone to bounce things off of and get an objective point of view.

Take care, Maura

[danielle b 32]

Jess....I read all of your post and I sympathize with you. We all had WLS because we could not do it on our own!! Maybe you mentally were not ready for this life change....for me, I was ready!! I was sick of dieting and being fat...losing a few pounds and gaining it back. For me, this was the best thing I have ever done for myself! Besides the weight loss....what about your other co-morbidities....has any of those changed for the best??

I agree, i think you may need therapy...but most of all find yourself a support group!! They truly can help...You will hear all other stories probably worse than your own...you have overcome the worst part of the surgery...now you need to concentrate on utilizing your tool. I am able to eat all the foods you listed...but not as much! Now I eat 1 sometimes 2 slices of pizza instead of 4 or 5!! The band will help you....I did a lot of research on the band for about 2 years before I got it...I read all the negative and the positive and I got it stuck in my head that I WAS NOT GOING TO BE A FAILURE WITH THE BAND!! I was determined that this was going to work for me...and IT DID!!

This forum is a great place to vent and find informative information. We are all here to help one another....I hope you can get the help you need to make your weightloss a success! I will be thinking of you....and please keep us posted!!

[SashaWLS 412]

Hey you... I read your whole post and TOTALLY understand how you feel. I feel it too. I'm a MESS. All over the place, angry, depressed, mopey, catatonic, excitable... Everything except all happy that I have this thing in me that won't let me eat. I feel like my soul is going to explode...

Definitely find a shrink. And if you've never been to one before, make sure you try a few, then pick the one you like the most. Not all therapists are good, or good for YOU. You have to find someone you click with, who gets you, who gets "it", who won't make you feel more anxious, or make you feel like you're talking to a brick wall... Finding the right shrink can be hard (or it can be a snap) but it's really important to know that if it takes a while, it's NOT you!!!

A therapist is great, cause you can vent. You can rant and say out loud all the crazy crap you wouldn't even tell your best friend. And then once it's out of your mouth, sometimes the power is gone, and sometimes it helps you figure out what to do next. That said, you don't HAVE to have a shrink. It just helps tune out the static and focus on what's important...

On another note, there's a new book that just came out called Through Thick & Thin, which is all about the emotional journey of weight loss surgery. It's by the guy who I had my psych evaluation with... Here's the link:

http://www.warrenhuberman.com

FEEL BETTER!!!

[AXA 19]

Jess,

Good for you for unloading all of that! You know, once you get it all on paper (or on the post), you might be able to let go of some of it and move on. Talking and writing is very therapeutic.

I recommend a book. It's called "The 4-Hour Body: an uncommon guide to rapid fat-loss, incredible ***, and becoming superhuman" by Tim Ferris. I know, it sounds gimmicky. My regular doctor recommended it to me! I am on the Slow-Carb diet that Ferris outlines in the book. It follows all the Lapband rules: high Protein, lots of veggies, lots of Water, few meals but then it has one day a week you can splurge. The psychological benefits of being able to eat whatever you want once a week and to still lose weight has been my Holy Grail to weightloss. None of my family know about the surgery so they keep asking how I'm doing it so I point them to this book. My mom, my brother, and my husband have all lost weight on this diet (and no Lapbands!)

I don't want to over-promote it. I'm sure it won't work for everyone and there are some fabulously successful people on these posts that have lost weight with their own methods. But, it's something different and it sounds as if you need a plan that gives you a day in which you can feed your demons.

[Sojourner 2,446]

Don't take this the wrong way but I would recommend a psychotheropist. I'm sure your doctor has a list of therapists who specialize in eating disorders and how to deal with them. You can still use the band to get to your goal so there's no reason to have it removed unless it's medically necessary.

BTW-All of us have an eating disorder of some kind. It's never our stomachs that fill themselves up, it's our mind that controls that function. So you are not alone with your dilemma.

tmf

Hello everyone.

I'm totally new. I'm not a lurker, and I just made an account before creating this post. I only did it because I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed, and I was hoping that someone could help me. I apologize beforehand for the length of this post, and I further apologize for not being more active in the community before creating such a gargantuan, but I had to get this off my chest.

Let's start with the basics.

I'm a girl. 22 years old when I got the surgery (Sept 7th 2011), and I'm now 23. I'm 5'11", currently 211ish lbs. I've been hefty ever since I was a kid, and was only in the healthy weight range (barely, and often just "close") when I was 16-18ish. I've always struggled with trying to lose weight, but i've never been "that big." I carry 90% of my excess weight in my stomach, and because of my height... I didn't look bad weighing 185-200, which I often did. I've always been bad for working out OR dieting (never both at the same time. lol) for a few weeks, losing 15 or 20 lbs, and then stopping because I "looked okay."

And now for a brief family history.

I come from a family riddled with diseases... My grandpa on my dad's side has had several heart attacks as well as diabetes, and both my grandparents on my mother's side have had cancer, which actually claimed one of their lives. But the person most plagued by diseases is my father. He had open heart surgery at the age of 43 for not one... not two... not three... but FOUR major blockages in his heart, all ranging from 80-95% blockages. He also has diabetes, off the chart (literally, immeasurably high) triglycerides, and terrible cholesterol for... really, as long as I can remember. And, surprisingly, my dad is not "that big" either. He's also around 5'10" and 210lbs.

And it seems... the apple does not fall far from the tree. Even as a young teenager, I struggled with "borderline high" cholesterol, "borderline high" blood sugar, and "borderline high" blood pressure. I have been tiptoeing on the lines nearly my entire life.

In the last several years, my weight rose from 190 to 245 to 225 back up to 247, and despite what I considered to be my best efforts, I could not bring it back down below the 200 mark. I went to the gym and worked out -hard- 4 days a week; I would try to be conscious of what I was eating and make healthy choices, but I would see no results, and no results lead to lack of motivation.

It was at this time that my mother suggested to me that I consider getting lap band surgery, and my father (who has also had lap band surgery, but does not take advantage of it) supported her suggestion. I didn't think I was big enough to qualify as my BMI barely put me in the obese category, but it turns out that because of all my health issues and because of my family history of health issues, I actually was.

I watched multiple videos on youtube about people's stories... and I wanted that success. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to finally complete my journey and get into that healthy weight range and -stay- there. I wanted to be able to become healthy and not have to worry about tiptoeing on that line, or have to eventually take pills for blood pressure, diabetes, triglycerides, and cholesterol. I wanted to be able to win this battle while I was still in my 20s and to be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

And then, surgery day came. It sucked, but I compared the pain to me fighting a battle, and I thought I had won. I thought I had finally thrown the winning blow. But I was wrong.

It started at first with my top incision becoming infected, but they said that was relatively common for that top incision, and gave me an antibiotic. Then came my first fill, and it was very painful. I could tell by the doc's reaction that it was unusually painful. I was also very sore, but I attributed that to having surgery. I'd never had such a surgery before, so I thought a couple months of soreness would be normal. Then I went in for my second fill... And after 10 minutes of digging around in my stomach (ouch) I heard this terrible scraping sound... and one doctor went to get the other doctor, who repeated the attempt, only to get the same result-- a horrible scraping sound. Barely 2 months after surgery, I had to schedule another surgery to fix a flipped port.

I got the second surgery sometime around mid December. It was infinitely more painful than the first, but the pain was not as long lasting. And then came the scar. At first, it kind of looked better than the original port scar, but healing was not to be as cut and dry as we had hoped. Unfortunately, I'm a keloider. I've had 2 keloid scars on my shoulder since I was 10. The top scar, the one that got infected, has keloided... and the port scar, I guess because of all the trauma done to that skin, has also begun to keloid. LUCKILY, I'm not one of those keloiders whose scars hurt and itch... mine are just discolored and huge and raised/lumpy.

The good news is that this second surgery has fixed my band. My fills no longer hurt and we can successfully put Fluid into the band. But, on the Quest to lose 10lbs a month, we put a bit too much Fluid into the band, and I spent the first 2 weeks of this month puking randomly, getting things stuck, and being generally miserable. I felt like I was at war with my own body. And after puking 5 times in one day and being unable to even drink Water, I had to get an appointment to get the band loosened. It has been loosened significantly. My misery has largely been alleviated, and the odd anxiety I was feeling has been lifted.

What's that I said? Anxiety? I've never experienced anxiety before.... why would I suddenly start feeling it when I could no longer eat like I used to?

And then I realized what was really wrong. I realized that I hadn't even started to win the fight. I realized that I wasn't fat because my stomach was a bottomless pit... I was fat because I ate to cope with my stress. Not being able to eat that pizza or chips or Cookies when I was feeling the pressures of the outside world was causing me to feel anxious, miserable, and downright pissed off. I didn't quit my diets in the past because I looked decent enough... I'd quit them because everyday pressures would make me want to eat unhealthy food, and I would give in... and I didn't even realize this! No diet could stop me from doing that until this one... and it made me feel miserable.

So now what? I've went through all this... the pain of 2 surgeries in 3 months time, a permanent alteration to my body, fresh, ugly scars that are just going to get progressively worse over time... and for what? The problem ISN'T with my stomach size, it's with my BRAIN.

Upon realizing this, I have found myself battling deep regrets. The one thing I never tried was counseling, because I didn't realize I had a problem. Now that I know that's the problem, and I know I'm going to have to look into getting therapy to try to find alternate coping methods, I wonder if I could have done it without the band. I wonder if I could have done it on my own and the band was just a huge, painful, ugly, inconvenient, and expensive mistake. I realize that it's reversible, but the insurance wouldn't cover that, and that wouldn't take away my scars... in fact, it would probably make all of them keloid.

I'm also morbidly terrified about losing weight and my port showing. My dad's port is so obvious that he has a huge (1-1.5 inch) bump that you can even see through his shirts... They say mine won't be like that, but I can feel it... and it feels close to the surface of my skin despite being attached to the muscle. I know how vain this sounds... keloid scars, port showing... but when I start to think that I maybe could have done it on my own if I'd approached it differently, that vanity can't help but to peek through.

But I'm also trying to be positive... because I know... or, at least, I THINK I know that if I can get my brain under control, the lap band could be a great tool to help me throughout my life, because I do have a soft spot for food (my soft, squishy belly!).

I just... I feel like such a failure. Sure, I've lost around 30lbs since September, but it's been such a struggle. Most of that weight came off in the 2 weeks of pre-op dieting. And finally recognizing and admitting that I have a serious problem with comfort food, and not knowing how to combat that... it just makes me feel so hopeless. I KNOW that the right alternative is to exercise, but having knowledge about something and feeling inclined to do it when you're sad, lonely, bored, angry, or stressed out are two totally different things.

Does anyone have any comments, suggestions, or advice? I'm hoping for support that I did make the right decision since I am so strongly leaning toward the idea that I have made the wrong one by getting lap band. I hate feeling this heavy sense of regret and failure. It's weighing on my heart, which doesn't help, considering I want to make myself feel better by eating. Sigh.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, you are a serious trooper, and thank you.

Jess

Jess, you have already accomplished what some people never do: you are aware of your triggers, and understand how your faulty beliefs have created an emotional dependence on eating. Build on that awareness, because in addition to having an emotional dependence on eating as a coping mechanism to manage stress in your life, now you are engaging in self blame, anger, and shame. All of these are incredibly negative thoughts, which set you up for a cycle of unending self criticisms and anger at yourself. You need to break the cycle...

To break this cycle, it is essential that you do a reality check; if you could have lost all of the weight you needed to without the band, why did you not accomplish that? It is necessary to change your perspective, and re-frame your thinking so that you are not engaging in allowing your flawed thinking to generate negative thoughts of anger towards yourself and the world in general.

There are numerous coping techniques you can use to distract your thoughts, and it does, to some degree involve "mind games". Only you control your thoughts, and we all, to varying degrees, have some automatic thinking, which is subconscious. Looking at ways to change the messages on those tapes of automatic thoughts will be a core issue for you and your therapist to address. The mind, like the band, is a powerful tool; learn how to use it to your advantage.

Give yourself permission to be patient with yourself. Your thoughts did not get to their current perspective overnight, so understand that it is unrealistic to expect immediate results with anything which involves a process of change. Change, whether it involves mindful thinking or behavior modification is a process, and not an event.

I do recommend that you seek treatment with a licensed therapist; though understand ahead of time that psychotherapy only works if the client is receptive to the therapy and the insights to be gained from that different perspective. You should approach working with a counselor with an open mind. Too often, if the client is not ready to engage in an honest self inventory to assess what the core issues really are, the therapy is destined to fail.

I did read some of the other posts, and most contained valid insights. I encourage you to be your own person, and think for yourself. You know yourself best.

It is unfortunate that some of the participants on this forum engage in writing in terms of gross generalizations; that is their perspective of a "one size fits all" solution. We may share some basic commonalities, but for the most part our path to here was as unique are we are. There are many reasons why a person may become obese, and certainly genetics can play a major role, along with the family relationship dynamics and home environment.

I vehemently disagree with the belief that "we all have an eating disorder", as another individual has written in response to your original post. Emotional dependence on eating as a coping mechanism does not qualify as a diagnosis for an eating disorder.

There are so many factors which contribute to one's weight issues. In my own case, it was medications which caused the weight gain, coupled with a metabolism which due to age sort of went into hibernation. Being angry at the doctor who prescribed the medication does nothing constructive to alleviate the problem; taking positive action to loose weight under medical supervision provides a solution path to improved health.

Self inventories, which you are already in the process of doing, as evidenced by your writing about your new awareness of how your flawed thinking is a major contributor to your eating, can be difficult. Many people choose to live in denial rather than accept that their thoughts need to be modified. Give yourself the credit you deserve to have gotten to a place of awareness.

I sincerely hope that you will continue on your journeys...both with the weight loss and with your awareness that you hold the keys and the power for your success. Only you will hold yourself back!

Good luck!

[NWgirl 574]

Hi Jess,

I hope after reading these response posts you don't feel so alone. I was banded in March and am 23 as well, will be 24 next month.

I think for the most part, we all have some type of abnormal attachment to food (emotional eating, overeaters, etc) and that we all took this step to overcome our problem. I, too, am an emotional eater and would always find a way (in between the millions of diets I've been on) to use food for all emotions. Since banding, I have been working on not only eating right, but re-incorporating exercise back into my daily routine. Sure, sometimes I do not have 100% days were I eat correctly or exercise, but I am doing these things 80-90% of the time. I have not felt the need to see a therapist yet because I am working through my emotional attachment myself, but would not hesitate to find one if I felt I was hindering my ultimate goal of being healthy.

You shouldn't beat yourself up with the shoulda, coulda, woulda because there is nothing you can do now to change the fact you had surgery. Be honest with yourself and ask where you would be today if you had not gotten the band- would you weigh more and be unhealthier or would you have gotten everything together and been successful? I am guessing you would have continued on your path, as it seems you realized the food attachment recently.

Keep posting here and finding support. We all go through the same things, so even though you may feel alone, you are decidedly not.

[honk 780]

I am so sorry that you've had so many problems. I agree with previous poster that you should see a therapist who handles eating disorders. My doctor required preop meetings with a therapist and I think it was soooo helpful to me. Half of the battle is knowing you see foods as fix for your emotional problems. My brother is a recovering alcoholic. When he gets stressed he wants to drink. I want to eat a browie.

As to losing 10 pounds a month. Who came up with that? You or your doctor? Most doctors say 1-2 pounds a week which would be 4-8 pounds a month. I am a slow loser and can be at less than 1 pound a week. Being too tight can and will lead to band complications and it won't help you loose weight. You will rely on high calorie liquids to eat and those liquids won't make you feel full. Which causes you to eat more.

[lolusernames 0]

Wow, I never anticipated such a response. Thanks so much to the people who took the time to read my post and leave such encouraging and heart-felt responses. They actually did make me feel better!

I went back to basics and joined weight watchers. Sounds like its defeat. But I realize now it wasn't defeat, it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long tiime. I took control and I stopped letting my band take control. I just went shopping and bought a size 12. I havent been a size 12 since maybe 7th grade. So even with the scars, hanging skiin, stretch marks I don't regret having surgery.

That doesn't sound like a defeat to me at all. In fact, I had had that thought in my head even pre-op. I've tried to do weightwatchers in the past, but been unable to stick to the diet because I would still be hungry. I was hoping that with the band, I would be able to eat the recommended point value without being left feeling hungry. So I actually think that's a great idea. Also, congrats on making it to a size 12! That's definitely something to be proud of!

For the first year and half things were great then my band disconected from the port, so I had to go in and have it reattached. That was more painful then the original surgrey. Recovery was horrible and painful. When I finally felt better I started back at the gym, started back with my fills and then went to get a fill and they were unable to pull any out because after a xray I found out the port is broken again. Since I can't take any more time off work I have to wait till July to have it fixed. I have good days and bad days. My emotions go up and down . I have found though that if I stay focused as to why I did this to begin with and that would be my 12 year old. See i am a single mom of a beautiful 12 year daughter and I needed to get control of my health and my life and the band helps me do that. I have been able to cut back on my diabetes medicine and I feel better, and my blood pressure is good and I have hope..hope I won't end up like my parents...my mom died in 2000 of a massive stroke and my dad is a two time open heart surgrey patient. Up I didn't meet the 100lbs over weight bar but I raked up enough comorbidies to be eligible for the surgrey. Jess you have to think why you had this operation and how can the band if it's working correctly how it can be a tool to help you get and keep control of your eating. I hope for the best for you and please know you are not alone.

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you've had so many complications with your band lately. You're right, though, we need to focus on why we got this done in the first place... You have your daughter, which is an amazing reason, and I don't want to struggle my whole life, I don't want to have to take 10 pills every night, I don't want to have open-heart surgery in 20 years, and I certainly don't want to get married and start a family only to die or be too sick to be with them. I hope they can fix what went wrong and that you have no more problems with this.

You were right to change your lifestyle. I wanted to, but it's so much easier to say than to really do. But i've decided to try something that I've never done before. I'm not going to buy another home exercise program (even though I have several that are awesome and that I love, I never find myself sticking to them for very long) ... and I'm going to see about getting a personal trainer and going to an actual -gym-. I went and visited 2 gyms today... and right after walking in, I felt awkward and out of place. Almost everyone that was there was buff. And they all watched me as I came in. And I instantly felt the need to hide or run away. lol. but maybe a personal trainer telling me what to do would focus my mind enough that I forget about any awkward stares.

I am able to eat all the foods you listed...but not as much! Now I eat 1 sometimes 2 slices of pizza instead of 4 or 5!!

And that is what I would like to do too! I was at a restriction level that I liked decently enough. I was too restricted in the morning to eat anything other than yogurt or a shake or cream of wheat, but otherwise, I could eat just in more restricted portions. Like, I'd go to a restaurant, and that one meal would end up becoming 3 because I couldn't eat it all. I lost 5 lbs that month. But my doctors keep telling me that once we get the band where it needs to be, I won't be able to eat any kind of bread, Pasta, or pizza because it'll get stuck or even cause damage. They also say that once we get the band at the right tightness, I won't be able to eat anything at all until like 7 hours after I wake up. Bleh.

Self inventories, which you are already in the process of doing, as evidenced by your writing about your new awareness of how your flawed thinking is a major contributor to your eating, can be difficult. Many people choose to live in denial rather than accept that their thoughts need to be modified. Give yourself the credit you deserve to have gotten to a place of awareness.

I sincerely hope that you will continue on your journeys...both with the weight loss and with your awareness that you hold the keys and the power for your success. Only you will hold yourself back!

Thanks for all your insight. The almost ironic thing about all of this is that I have my bachelors in Psychology, and I am working to get into a PsyD program next fall so I can get my doctorate in Health Psychology. I've always been pretty good about seeing the bigger picture and getting to the actual root of the problem, but it somehow eluded me when it came to my own issues. I suppose that's natural, though. Most people have a blind spot where their own problems are concerned.

You shouldn't beat yourself up with the shoulda, coulda, woulda because there is nothing you can do now to change the fact you had surgery. Be honest with yourself and ask where you would be today if you had not gotten the band- would you weigh more and be unhealthier or would you have gotten everything together and been successful? I am guessing you would have continued on your path, as it seems you realized the food attachment recently.

Well, that's one thing I kind of wonder as well. When I was 16, I did manage to get somewhat of a handle on my weight. I became super strict on diet and I worked out pretty frequently off and on. After I got my tonsils out and could only drink Water and popsicles for 8 days, I managed to get to an all-time low of 174lbs. But I hated the college I went to my freshman year. I felt trapped there (my dad was very adamant about me attending that school, and I was always a kid that did as I was told... so I thought I was going to have to spend my entire college career there.) and when I realized there was NOTHING for me to do, and NO WHERE for me to go, and NO FORM of entertainment, I sank further and further into misery, all my good habits failed me, and I went right back to old ones.

By the time I transferred to a college that I actually wanted to attend... by the time I actually had the opportunity to go places, do things, meet people, and have fun... All my good habits had bit the dust, and I became curiously addicted to the ice cream that they sold in the lobby of my dorm (omg, so good.) And even though I'd still fight it and try to get back into those good habits, I just couldn't make them stick again. I even worked out for a full 30 days in a row to Chalene Extreme from BeachBody... and I LOVE beachbody. their products are amazing! And the workout was amazing! But I -gained- 10 lbs that month. I went from 190 up to 200. And then I lifted weights that were too heavy and threw out my back to the point I couldn't move and had to get a shot to even be able to hobble around. It really just kind of went downhill from that point.

So a part of me wonders if I -could- have managed to get back in that mindset to set my life right again. But the realistic side of me thinks I probably couldn't've. One year of good habits vs. 22 years of bad ones is not exactly what I would consider favorable odds.

As to losing 10 pounds a month. Who came up with that? You or your doctor? Most doctors say 1-2 pounds a week which would be 4-8 pounds a month. I am a slow loser and can be at less than 1 pound a week. Being too tight can and will lead to band complications and it won't help you loose weight. You will rely on high calorie liquids to eat and those liquids won't make you feel full. Which causes you to eat more.

My doctors would like to get me to the point that I'm losing 10lbs a month. I mentioned this a little earlier in this response, but they told me that once I got to the place I was supposed to be, I wouldn't be able to eat until 7ish hours after I woke up, and that I wouldn't be able to eat any form of bread, Pasta, pizza... nothing like that. But I think i'm going to have to talk to them. While I want to lose weight, I feel that goal is a little too ambitious. I would be happier losing 5lbs a month and being able to still live a normal life.

Thanks again to everyone who replied. You folks really did help a lot, and I truly appreciate it.

[danielle b 32]

And that is what I would like to do too! I was at a restriction level that I liked decently enough. I was too restricted in the morning to eat anything other than yogurt or a shake or cream of wheat, but otherwise, I could eat just in more restricted portions. Like, I'd go to a restaurant, and that one meal would end up becoming 3 because I couldn't eat it all. I lost 5 lbs that month. But my doctors keep telling me that once we get the band where it needs to be, I won't be able to eat any kind of bread, Pasta, or pizza because it'll get stuck or even cause damage. They also say that once we get the band at the right tightness, I won't be able to eat anything at all until like 7 hours after I wake up. Bleh.

Jess....I don't know about anyone else...but your surgeon is not accurate!! My last fill was so tight that I struggled to get fluids down...I did this for 2 months and my chest hurt all the time...1 m&m would fill me up...my chewable Vitamin would fill me up!! I had 1 cc taken out...after losing 22 pounds in those 2 mths and after the unfill I did not lose anything for 6 months!! I had my surgeon put in .5 cc last month...He told me, he would not give me the 1 cc back, as I will be too tight again. So he gave me the half...I can still eat Pasta, and bread...so, maybe for some people they can't...but for me, I just make sure my bread is toasted and I take small bites...You still should be able to eat those foods...and as for not eating for 7 hours...I don't think so!! Never heard that one before...lol I agree that I am tighter in the morning! Surgeon told me that saliva build up during our sleep is sitting on top of our bands...he recommended hot fluids in the morning. I drink coffee...it also fills me up in the morning. I drink it from 6:30am-7am...and about 9a.m. I am ready for Breakfast. Anyways, just my 2 cents on me and my band!!

[NWgirl 574]

From looking at my fitbit graph, it looks like I have lost 9.6lb in the last 30 days (04/24-05/24). I am going into my third month post op and am sure the loss will slow sooner rather than later. I figure as long as I lose some every month and head downward, the number isn't particularly important. I also don't want to be so tightened down that I cannot eat for the first 7 hours of my day. I'd like the band to help control my portions (after two fills, it has done so immensely) and not dictate what I eat (to a certain extent, my last fill put cheap, doughy breads out of the food spectrum for me which isn't a big deal) or at what time.

My doctors would like to get me to the point that I'm losing 10lbs a month. I mentioned this a little earlier in this response, but they told me that once I got to the place I was supposed to be, I wouldn't be able to eat until 7ish hours after I woke up, and that I wouldn't be able to eat any form of bread, Pasta, pizza... nothing like that. But I think i'm going to have to talk to them. While I want to lose weight, I feel that goal is a little too ambitious. I would be happier losing 5lbs a month and being able to still live a normal life.