Do You Need Accountability?

[Jean McMillan 2,973]

AND WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT ACCOUNTABILITY, ANYWAY?

Accountabiity is a popular term in the WLS community. When I first saw it used in an online forum post, it reminded me unpleasantly of a company I worked for a decade or so ago. We were acquired by a much bigger company whose watchword was ACCOUNTABILITY. Seemingly overnight, our procedures changed so that every action had to be accounted for with a signature (or 2 or 5), a report, a committee vote, and/or an Act of Congress. This approach was intended to ensure ethical behavior in a group of employees who had never dreamed of committing unethical acts before, so it seemed to many of us that Big Brother was watching our every move, and that we had to ask him for permission for even the most trivial things, from a restroom visit to changing the toner cartridge in a copier. The initials, signatures and codes we were forced to append to every piece of work seemed designed to enable a complicated system of extravagant punishments and meager rewards. Needless to say, all that had tainted the word "accountability" for me, so that I reflexively cringed every time it appeared on my computer screen.

Despite my unpleasant history with accountability, curiosity got the better of me. I began to read about accountability and accountability partners. I discovered a more positive and less punitive approach, in which reporting your eating, exercise, and other behaviors to a partner (or group) can help keep you honest about those things. For a long time, I had resisted any public declaration about my eating. When you're ashamed, you don't want to tell your secrets to friends, family, doctors, or the cop sitting in a speed-trap chase car. Even when I was active in OA (Overeaters Anonymous), I sometimes lied to my sponsor about whether I had followed my food plan for the day. I didn't like myself for that, so I attributed my own negativity to the whole accountability thing. It made me feel bad, therefore it was bad.

But here were all these WLS patients seeking accountability partners online. Were they all masochists, or was I missing something?

I must sheepishly (but happily) report (report? aargh! there's that word again!) that I had been missing something important and useful. Months after I'd reached my weight goal, when I was busy enacting the part of the Model Bandster, a friend and I joined up as accountability partners. She had lost over 100 pounds but found herself struggling with weight regain, and we thought a partnership might help her get back on the bandwagon. Little did I know how much it would help me!

Almost 2 years later, my partner still tolerates me, and I actually look forward to our daily e-mail check-ins. We tell each other our food plan (or lack thereof) for the day and report (aargh!) how well we stuck to the previous day's plan. My partner hasn't caught the exercise bug like I have, but I also tell her my workout plans. We share anything else that's affecting our eating and weight management, be it travel, stress, holidays, work, illness, or apathy. We ask each other questions and offer suggestions and advice. I don't hesitate to point out the lack of Protein in my partner's food plan; she sees when I'm slipping into maladaptive eating with a few days of soft and slider foods and asks, "Have you been satisfied with your meals this week?" We cheer each other on and prop each other up. We laugh and cry, complain about obstinate husbands, and brag about our dogs, children and grandchildren (human and canine). And sometimes all we do is listen.

The bottom line? Accountability is not just about dotting your I's, crossing your t's, and signing "John Hancock" every time you take a pen out of the supply cabinet. It's about taking responsibility for your weight management while using the support of peers who know firsthand what that job is all about.

HOW DO YOU FIND & CULTIVATE AN ACCOUNTABIITY PARTNER?

A good place to find an accountability partner is in a WLS support community - at in-person support group meetings, in your surgeon's waiting room, or at online support communities like LBT. Go to a few meetings, eavesdrop on conversations and read forum postings until you identify someone "simpatico". By that, I mean someone you identify with for any reason, whether it's his/her age, profession, hobbies, geographic location, you name it. Try to avoid someone who would baby you when you need to be kicked in the butt. Initiate a conversation with that person. Introduce yourself, ask a question, give them a compliment, tell them a joke, express an opinion. If your interaction with this person goes well - they seem to "get" you and respond to you in a positive, caring and responsible fashion - ask if they'd be willing to try an accountability partnership with you. Tell them why. It might be, "I really admire your band success," or "Like you, I travel a lot for my job, and I'm wondering if you can share any eating tips with me."

When you find a partner and agree on how you're going to run the partnership, begin communicating immediately, every day without fail. If you're not going to be able to check in daily for a period (be it one day or one week), tell your partner in advance or as soon as you know - don't just disappear. Be as honest as you possibly can be with your partner, and demand the same thing of her/him. Listen carefully to what your partner says or writes. You may not have the magic answers to all your partner's problems, but you'll be helping just by listening closely and respectfully.

If you and your partner seem to fall into a rut, it might be time to shake things up. You can give each other a challenge, like exercising 5 minutes longer every day or giving up fast food meals for a month. You can decide to read a book together and discuss each section or chapter. A good book for this purpose (besides Bandwagon!) is The Emotional First Aid Kit by Cynthia Alexander (available on amazon). You can pledge to list three positive things that happened to you every single day. You can take a short vacation and give up talking about weight loss completely for a set period of time, but go on talking about other events and issues. When you return to the task of daily eating accountability, you might bring new energy or ideas along with you.

If at some point the partnership doesn't seem to be working for you, tell your partner and ask him/her for ideas on how to improve the relationship. Your joint decision might be to end the relationship altogether, or to check in once a month instead of once a day, and that's OK.

Finally, here's an example of the kind of message I send to my accountability partner each morning:

Dear Partner (name withheld to protect the innocent),

It's 15F this morning. FIFTEEN DEGREES!!! WTF?! I moved all the way to Tennessee to get away from 15F weather!

I didn't eat according to plan yesterday, but I did OK. When I got done with my teeth cleaning and errands, I didn't have time to go home for lunch, so I got a chicken salad wrap at the coffee shop and ate most of half of it. It was pretty good, with grapes in the salad.

This morning I have a Zumba class. I've taken Zumba before at a different place and liked it a lot, but so far I'm not liking the new class because the instructor doesn't explain the moves or call them out before they start. You just have to play follow the leader.

I'll be at work from 11:00 am to 4:30 pm today. Food will be:

B&S: the usual (protein shake before workout, a latte afterward)

L: 2 oz catfish salad (like tuna salad), 2 Wasa thin & crispy sesame flatbreads

S: 1/4 c. trail mix

D: 3 oz crab cake, 1/4 c. barley & veggy salad

S: granola bar

I'm liking granola bars for an evening snack because they're so chewy. Gotta chew!

Have a great day and STAY WARM!

Jean

[saras422 6]

Jean, THIS IS AWESOME! THANK YOU for posting this. There is NO way we can do this alone. At my church (don't be scared) we have accountability partners for our daily lives (we call them "running partners") and we do the same thing. We were not meant to do this journey alone and we need to be encouraging each other and cheering each other on! No one understands us like other people who have been banded. While I love this online forum, I do wish I could meet people face to face. I was banded on 4/23/12 and I'll be attending my first support group my surgeon's office offers next week. I am very excited. I had my first post-op appointment with my doctor yesterday and I swear I talked his ear off trying to get everything out. Poor guy. I had an awesome NSV this morning and no one to tell it to! I was sort of bummed. I have officially grown out of my first piece of clothing! YAY! Thanks again for posting.

[SageTracey 608]

This is exactly what I get (and try to give) on myfitnesspal.com My diary is open to my friends so they can see when I am doing well or when I am struggling. I also log my exercise and that is a real accountability as well!

In real life, my husband is my accountability partner, but he can cop a frosty stare if he tries to hold me accountable when I really don't want to be! Poor man, but still my hero.

[Brave Heart 0]

Good Stuff!! I have reached a plateau and I need to shake some things up. Will carefully consider an accountability partner. I often get people asking me for advice now I need to be on the receiving end... :-) Thanks!!

[mdfinch 24]

I would love to find a buddy like this. I do better when I have a buddy to report to. It makes me think twice before I take the one extra bite or stop exercising 5 minutes early.